3 year old waking in the night and I can’t deal with the anger

[Peonyyyy]

Just having a moan. Our boy has always been a fantastic sleeper - we put him down awake from anc early age and he slept through other than when he’s sick or sleep regression.

But the last 6 months have been hell. At bedtime he requests more and more things - more teddies, books etc and finally goes to sleep. He also now demands a night light. He then wakes at 4-5am or sometimes 2am because a teddy las fallen out of his cot, or something else and we go in and sort it. That used to be the end of it, we would pick up the teddy or give him a drink and say it’s still night time and he would go back to sleep.

Now it’s gone downhill even more, for example tonight he woke at 4 shouting mummy, this then turned to crying. I went in and he said his teddy fell out the cot so I found it and put it back. I gave him a cuddle and said night night and he got really angry saying no I want another teddy, I was saying no you already have 3 teddies in your cot and it’s night time etc. he’s now hysterical so I say night night and go to the toilet (I’m 6 months pregnant). My husband comes in to deal with it, ends up showing him videos on his phone. That’s still not enough for him and he screams when put back in his cot. It’s now 5am and we’ve both tried. We’ve tried explaining it to him, telling him he has to stay in his cot until morning as everyone is sleeping, tried saying ok one video then sleep but he still gets angry and wants more.

he actually makes me so angry that I end up speaking to him in an angry tone and when I leave the room I scream in frustration. Tonight I even threw my phone and went downstairs and screamed in the kitchen.

this is followed by lots of self loathing that I can’t keep it together, but I’m just so tired and scared about having a newborn soon with this going on. I just need it to end. I feel like I just want to leave the house and not come back as his crying makes me so angry.

He’s an intelligent boy I don’t know if explaining it to him in the day will help or something.

we have tried bringing him in our bed and he NEVER sleeps, just wriggles around and gets annoyed and wants to go downstairs.

it’s now 5.30 and I can still hear my husband dealing with him. I said we can’t give in to this but honestly what else can we do? He goes hysterical and cries for hours.

It doesn’t matter whether he naps or not. It doesn’t matter what his bedtime is. He just wakes up and doesn’t feel tired and therefore makes us do things with him.

At the moment it feels like life is hell. I have to go to work in 2 hours. I hate myself for getting so angry but in these moments I just hate him. I feel like the extreme anger I’m feeling probably comes from my childhood. My mum has told me that from about 1 year old I wanted to get up with my mum, one night she left me and I cried until the morning (for like 5 hours). I wonder if it’s history repeating. I feel like a terrible mother because I have always been quick to anger and can’t calm down, I mostly keep this in check and I’m very gentle and understanding with him, but when this happens at night I really struggle and I lose it and hate myself.

When he’s not doing this he is a wonderful, kind, gentle and sensitive child, not in any way crazy like some toddlers.

He is overtired from today because he was back at nursery after a holiday and I know he is over tired but how the hell do you get a toddler to just bloody sleep at night when they are over tired?!?! At my wits end

Sorry this is a massive ramble. I just needed a moan and getting it out has helped calm me down a little.

I went through this with my son. I went through months of trying to get him back to sleep and I was delirious.

What I'm going to say I did is not good advice for the child but it's what I did for myself in the end!

I took him downstairs, put the TV on and slept on the sofa!

He did eventually stop waking up so ridiculously early wanting to start the day.

It’s another phase OP. My eldest done the exact same, it will pass but I used to set a limit - so he can have 3 teddies well warned before bed. He would pick his 3, if upset and wanted more I’d see we can move these ones so they watch you sleep and they can have a turn in the cot tomorrow night. Lights off, kiss and cuddle and leave. Going in only to assist sleep (lie next to him in the dark). We use ‘quiet voices’ until wake up time, whispering only. We head a gro clock too - would this work with your DS? My second DC is 5 months now, my eldest also went through a bit of anxiety at the new changes around the house in preparation for baby.

I don't think that is a bad idea at all, MrsChatterbox. He was obviously wide awake and needed some sort of stimulation. It did him no harm.

Is he reacting to the pregnancy? A lot of changes for him and in the household?

Sounds counterintuitive but he may be seeking more attention and reassurance.

It anything else frightening him and you can get to the root cause?(I know he's not saying he's frightened but he's 3 so not everything will be literal and communicated.)

I also wonder if you've had an unusually easy run with sleep (sorry!) as it's very normal. I'm awake typing this because my kid is awake... Can you work out a fair shift pattern with your DH so you're getting enough rest and taking turns?

Lastly is your reaction hormones or something deeper? Kids wake up. Is it pressing your buttons because you're exhausted or something more?

Oh and no videos! Ever! It's the biggest incentive and stimulant you could think of. Be boring!

He's ready to start his day at 5.30. Unfortunately your husband mat be best of just getting up with him and taking him out if his room. He's just an early riser at the moment and won't manage to stay in bed not asleep. He may be old enough to understand a growclock but you'll not be able to introduce more than 15-30 minutes later get up time in a single go.

Sorry it is very hard.

Is he struggling with the idea that a new baby is coming and wants more reassurance? I'd get some books about new baby siblings and do much more cuddles and assurance in the day.

Also, I'd get stricter with the evening routine. When my eldest was playing up at bedtime at that age, we made a wall chart of the routine. Bath. Teeth. 2 stories. 3 teddies. Then sleep. And if she tried to argue for more stories etc, we just say "we have to do what the chart says". She can't argue with a piece of paper so she believed it. When the bedtime routine is solid, the child is more likely to self settle in the night.

For the morning, would a gro clock help?

Why is he in a cot at 3 years old?

@MsChatterbox thank you, it’s horrible isn’t it!

if it’s after 5am we’ll take it in turns to take him downstairs so the other can sleep but when it’s 4am we try to just go in and quickly deal with it and get him to go back to sleep - but as it’s gone on the requests have got worse and do culminate in him saying he wants to go downstairs. So maybe we just cut to the chase!

I know he’s over tired - he has just gone back to nursery after a weeks holiday (and he was sick there so plenty of disturbed sleep then too) and we put him to bed at 7.45 last night after calming him down from various tantrums and he was awake in his cot til 9pm. So he has only slept 7 hours and has nursery for a full day tomorrow.

when we know he has nursery we really want him to sleep til at least 6 so he is not grumpy and over tired there, but it hasn’t worked out very well.

We worry about making things worse by giving in to all this stuff but honestly don’t know what else to do. I just feel like running away. I want to enjoy him while he’s little and before the baby comes but it’s so hard when I’m this sleep deprived and he’s grumpy all day. It’s so miserable 💔

Our almost three year old is a bit like this at the moment, as soon as she wakes up she gets out of bed and screams as loud as she can “NOT IN BED” on repeat until one of us goes in, if its after 4am there is absolutely no way she will go back to sleep so we start our day.

The anger, violence and feeling like you hate him is a bit worrying, do you think you might be best talking through it with your midwife or GP? You might actually need a bit of professional support, but not realise it. It sounds like could potentially need a bit of support for your mental healthy, rather than ‘just’ being knackered.

@sarahsarahsarahsar when this started I wasn’t pregnant yet, it may have been potty training that triggered it and it’s just gone on and on since then with the odd day where he treats us to a 6 or even 7am wake up 🥲 I wouldn’t say we had an easy ride with sleep, we have had our fair share of sleepless nights with colic, teething, illness and sleep regressions, but when he’s well he generally sleeps until at least 5am. We are giving him lots of reassurance when he wakes, it’s just he wants more each time. So I’m not sure how we stop it.

@Whatatodo79 he fell asleep at 9am and woke up screaming at 4am, we’ve been dealing with his requests until 5.30am. My husband has gone downstairs with him now but I do think if a child has only slept 9-4 it is best to try to settle them back to sleep first? 🫠🫠🫠

@parietal we have a gro clock and have explained it to him, he gets it but couldn’t give a shit 🥹😂 we did try starting it from 5.30am and then letting him get up because it’s morning, and then gradually moved it to 6am, but we have never set it as early as 4am. I will try the sticker chart though. I feel like things are getting out of control. We can’t have him dictating everything, we are the parents and we know he needs more sleep.

he has been poorly last week and getting back into nursery and routine is always hard but this has been going on for so long now without many days respite it’s hard to pin point, I guess it’s just a development thing but I don’t know how to deal with it in the night when nothing is good enough and I’m tired and angry and just want to run out the door and check into a hotel

I think really I’m just having a moan and it’s another one of those things that will end eventually. I’m especially angry about it because I’m worrying about having a newborn to deal with as well soon. I just want to sleep more than 4 hours a night. And tbh it’s not even about me, I feel so happy at night/in the early hours just knowing he’s asleep even if I’m awake. If he wakes at a normal time he is in a much better mood and has a much nicer day.

3 year old in a cot ?

Sure yes you should try to settle him but 90 minutes tells you it's not going to work? He may well have a poor day at nursery from
not sleeping but you can't force him to sleep, that's making you both angry. Just a bit of going with it for a time maybe.

I think maybe it’s time for a proper bed? My DS is nearly 3 and has always been a hideous early riser but these days will get up early and either play with his toys in his room or go downstairs on his own to sit on the sofa with his iPad and can get himself some milk or whatever. I think he would be struggling with the lack of independence being in a cot still.

How would showing videos in the night help You have created this by giving into all these requests. Set the bedtime routine and stick to it with no
Mucking around. Bath story bed with one teddy that's it. No talking in the night other that go back to sleep it's night time. Ignore

@Simonjt maybe it’s just normal and something we need to roll with?

i do struggle with anger and hate myself for it. It’s the lack of control. As soon as I feel like we have a plan I feel better, even if it means just agreeing to take in turns to get up with him.

I honestly have tried all the avenues with mental health. I’ve tried pills from the GP, private and nhs therapy all to do with getting angry and wanting to be able to control it more and not lash out at the people I love. But none of it works unfortunately. Last time I did therapy I found it really hard to fit in as well. Face to face therapy is very hard to get (affordably) and even with phone appointments it was almost impossible to find a time suitable around work and childcare. That’s just the reality of it.

I have been doing really well for the past few years actually but it’s crept up on me again, possibly with the pregnancy (but this baby is very much wanted and will be loved). thank you for highlighting it as I don’t think I had realised and now I have hopefully I can get it under control a bit more.

it’s crazy how extreme it can be. Most of the time everything is lovely, but this is a bad patch and I’m not coping very well at the moment.

he’s only just turned 3, he’s still in a cot because he’s always liked it (it’s a cot bed so plenty of room)

we didn’t think that letting him be loose around the house all night would help him sleep tbh, but maybe we need to rethink now?

@ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot I agree, it’s just impossible when he is hysterical and it won’t stop for hours. We do the ‘it’s bed time, night night’ consistency thing trust me. But when he’s hysterical screaming for hours what else can we do? Toddlers have stamina it seems!!

I had this. His favourite thing for a long time was to insist he use the potty 18 times before bed, each time he'd try to squeeze a few drops of wee out. He wears a nappy overnight (he's 3) and even though he's dry in the day I know he wees in it almost immediately after we've put it on, I decided it's a battle for another time.

Anyway, the story thing resonates. It took 2 weeks for him to realise that asking as futile, there were tantrums, but he's now only allowed 2 stories. Set the boundaries, the same every day and follow through.

Also moving DS into a bed helped enormously with this (we moved him at 21 months as he was a climber). Not only did it help with the sleep and the calling for mummy/daddy but he can get out and pick up his own toy or water bottle or whatever. Yes we do get an early morning wake up call because he climbs in bed with us and 530 is still not abnormal but often he just wants to cuddle (which is lovely) and sometimes he goes back to sleep.

I also have a 15mo (23 month gap) and they share a room, it took us a long time to get there, but they love sharing and my eldest DS has never been jealous of my youngest using "his" cot.

Things aren't perfect. Every now and again another boundary will be pushed and when he was in the process of dropping a nap he would sometimes take 1.5-2 hours to get in to bed. Sometimes he'll wake up at 3 and ask me to put the cover back on him (we use single not toddler size duvets and it's tricky for him if it falls off completely). We get nightmares and 430 wake ups here and there. But mostly they both sleep through.

He’s 3, he should be in a proper bed, I imagine he’s waking himself up if he’s hitting bits of himself on the bars.

Also @Peonyyyy are our boys the same age? July 2021? I feel like I remember seeing you on the baby threads...

But are there sides up? my toddler slept much better once she wasn’t ‘imprisoned’. The cot was a problem once she was 2. I have never had any issues with her running around the house and she is a tornado wild child. Going to bed is much more of a
choice when you aren’t placed in there. I would rethink.

I’m really sorry but 5:30 is a normal time for a child to wake up. It’s miserable if you aren’t ready but there isn’t anything to fix here.

if he can come out of his cot, why can’t he just potter around his room with teddies and toys in his room? Can you put a baby gate on it and make sure it’s safe?

if DD is up early, I doze with the baby monitor
on for an extra 30 minutes until I feel more human. I can hear her singing and playing.

Our DC were in cot bed past 3. Why not? Stops them falling out of bed.

However, we also had this. We had a rule that if it was past 5 or so, we'd take it in turns to get up with DC and stick the TV on while we dozed. Just easier to accept than try to fight tbh and with dc2, it meant the other child wouldn't get woken up.

Another option is sticking a mattress in his room, lie on that and let him play quietly, or try one of those audio players they operate themselves.

With the rage. I get it, I think you're probably anxious about the demands about to be made of you with two kids and whether there's anything left for you and how demanding it all is. You'll handle it, you can't worry about it now, you just have to deal with today. You do get online and out of hours therapy if that's something you wanted, or even therapy through an exchange of emails. Or do meditation off YouTube if all else fails.

@PigOnStiIts its a cot bed so it’s huge, we have a monitor and I can see he’s not hitting himself on the bars or anything like that. He just wakes up and wants to get up at silly times and we’re all tired.

i suspect we’ve got into an overtiredness cycle we need to break?

Maybe we need to sleep train again and just let him cry for a few nights?

on the off chance he wakes up at a reasonable time, he is really happy in his cot and plays with his teddies in there or sings to himself until we go in. Then he has a lovely day because he’s not so tired. I just wish they weren’t so few and far between 💔