Termination planned for this weekend and I cannot stop crying :(

[Boringthreadalert]

I am so sorry if this offends or upsets anybody.
I'm mid 30s, DH is late 30s. Married a decade. 2 ds age 8 and 6 who get on brilliantly. We have the perfect set up really.
We've never wanted a third child and have both always been in agreement on that. However yesterday I found out I am pregnant. I'll be just over 5 weeks.
We didn't even really discuss, I booked the appointment for a termination which i had today (all done over the phone) and the meds will arrive via post tomorrow or Wednesday.
But I cannot stop crying. I've tried to discuss with DH but he's shutting down the conversation, saying we've always been in agreement that we wouldn't do this, so don't start now. He said he couldn't bring a baby into the world that we never planned for and that we had to consider if we wanted as he'd always feel guilty. But how am I meant to get over the guilt of terminating?
Our biggest factors for not wanting it are

1. Finances. We have kept nothing so would have to buy everything, and we both work full time so will have high nursery costs (although we'd be entitled to the new 30 funded hours from 9 months)
2. Work - I'm in line for a promotion that I've been working towards for a decade. I've recently gone up to full time to push this along. This would destroy that 100%
3. My boys are at different schools and I struggle with the logistics already of working, drop offs and pick ups and evening clubs (dh works longer hours and is often on call so it all falls on me. They're at evening clubs 4 nights out of 5)
4. I worry that our boys would resent the baby because the dynamics would change

I'm trying to process all these one by one in my head but then DH won't even talk them through with me so what's the point? I feel that this is a lose lose situation. We keep the baby and he resents me. We terminate and i resent him. But I'm not even sure that I want it.

I needed to just get this off my chest as I feel so incredibly alone and I cannot stop crying. The weekend will be here before i know it and I want to feel happy with my choice.
If anyone has any words of wisdom I'd be so grateful

It's a really difficult one but if I was in that situation I would go ahead with the termination. I am in a fairly similar situation in terms of my children's ages and job situation and having another child would ruin our life balance. I've got to an age where my children are becoming more independent which is lovely.
Good luck - you'll work out the best thing for your family.

Honestly my gut feeling is that you don't really want a termination. If you kept the baby you would figure things out logistically and financially.

The real question is how you would feel for the rest of your life after the termination. If you can make your peace with it and be on the same page as your husband perhaps it would be right. But from reading your post i'm not sure that would be the case. My advice would be to ask your husband to sit down for a really serious chat. It may not have been your plan, but currently it is your reality so he cannot keep burying his head in the sand and forcing you to do this alone. You both need to be in agreement or you simply cannot do it as you will have to deal with the mental load of this for the rest of your life which will impact your marriage and I suspect cause huge issues of resentment and perhaps mental health issues.

Keeping you in my thoughts,
Jenna x

It's your choice. If you're only 5 weeks pregnant now, you have 4 weeks to use the pills safely. If I were you I'd give yourself a week to keep thinking about it. (The process is more unpleasant the further along you are but the difference between 5 and 6 weeks shouldn't be huge)

You have to weigh up the changes to your life versus what level of grief you think you'll feel going forward. It's not really possible for anyone else to know what's the right decision for you.

Your body, your choice, never have a termination you don't want.

He can say what he likes, it's not him who has to go through the termination, it's you. I'm disgusted that he's shutting you down. If it was me I'd keep the baby and ditch him - although of course I appreciate that it's easy for me to say and more difficult in reality for you. Also you should be entitled to get some counselling to figure out what you really want. Don't rush, you're still early, see if you can talk to a professional. All the best to you, I'm
sorry things are tough for you right now and hope it all works out for you x

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. It sucks. Your DH needs to understand that he’s destroying your faith in him, Shutting you down and refusing to even listen to you when you need him the most is going to have a lasting impact on your relationship.

It’s such a lonely place to be. If there’s someone in RL that you trust enough to talk it through with, please do.

I’m pro choice. You still have some time to stop and think about what is the best outcome for you and your family. You still have some doubts at this stage. Whatever you choose to do is ok.

Your body your choice OP- as the other posters have said your 'D' H is being horrid and unsupportive. If you are this upset now, and think you want to keep the baby, then keep your baby. He has no say in the matter, and it's you that have to deal with the physical and emotional consequences of a termination. Do what you feel is right for you.

It may be worth really taking the time to work out exact things like maternity pay, nursery fees and how you would navigate each of the cons listed if you went ahead. You sound very unsure so it’s best to go through every last detail. Ideally your DH would help but if he won’t then do it anyway as it helps to process things and make a decision . You don’t want to rush and go ahead and get rid of all those issues only to be left regretting it forever .

You may find that after really thinking about it all you want to go ahead with the termination you have to just do what’s best for YOU.

Baby equipment can be purchased relatively cheaply it’s when they are older that it costs a lot (plus nursery as you’ve mentioned) . With work can you still go for the promotion if you continue with the pregnancy ?

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with your decision. Do you have anyone else IRL you can speak to? I had a termination last year and despite knowing it was really the best thing, my emotions were high for the weeks surrounding it. My DP was similar; he’s a wonderful man but we had never planned nor have the room or finances for a child (I have DD from a previous relationship) and the emotions I felt were nothing compared to his outlook on it, so I would imagine your DH is the same. Perhaps they’re having a more practical mindset than a woman would obviously have, being the one carrying the child.

my DMs are open if you’d like to chat more about it. I felt very upset for a while over mine despite knowing it was ultimately the correct decision. I think that’s just the way it is unfortunately.

It sounds as this is not so much about not wanting a termination, but about not wanting to go through all the emotional turmoil alone.

Maybe tell him that what you want is some emotional support while you process what you are going through. You may both have agreed it earlier, but you are the one who is going through this now, and he should be going through it with you. And that includes coming to terms with it, which includes evaluating the alternatives.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You’ve made the appointment very quickly and you still have a few weeks to think about it, don’t rush into anything that you’re not sure of.

For what it’s worth I’m probably in a similar situation in that Im just over 5 weeks pregnant and have yet to tell DH as his reaction will probably be similar to your DH (unplanned, already have 2 DC). The difference is I’m certain I won’t have an abortion no matter what he says for reasons not really relevant here so I won’t bore you (unless you want to know) with them and it’s a very personal decision. Go ahead with it when it’s your decision and you’re sure, not before.

I'm so sorry OP. It very understandable that you are feeling so upset.

If you only found out yesterday, have you even had time to process the news?

Have you thought about waiting a week or two, just so that you have had time to think about the decision.

Your dh probably also needs some time to digest this. Maybe once you both have, it may be easier to sit down and discuss this properly. I am sure a bit part of your emotion right now, as that he isn't being as supportive as you would like.

I don't know what is right for you, but I do think it's something you have to be able to talk about.

💐

Hi @Boringthreadalert , firstly I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. It sounds like you're not 100% sure on your decision yet so I'd advise to not take any pills yet- only do so when you're absolutely sure this is what you want.

I was in a similar situation a while ago so by all means PM me if you'd like to chat.

Yes once you have the tablets, you don’t have to take them immediately if you are only 5 weeks. If you then go over the 9 weeks and haven’t taken the tablets, then you can still have a termination just not pill by post.

There are always options and you have time to decide.

However, as you know your body will start rapidly change in the next couple of weeks. Boobs, waistline etc. That can be a really difficult thing to experience, watching your body change, with this decision hanging over you. So you have plenty time yes, but it becomes more and more difficult over time.

You’re in shock, you’ve just made the appointment today, just try and step back a little and breathe. You are not going to come up with all the answers in the next 24hrs. It’s a case of figuring it out as you go along.

There isn’t the perfect decision, no one has a perfect life and certainly no one has perfect timing. But you’ll come to the decision that’s best for you and your body. Hopefully your DH will get over the shock too and you can both discuss how to move forward.

Good luck

There is counselling available from Marie Stopes centres, if you're near one. This helped me hugely to decide when I was in a similar position.
https://www.msichoices.org.uk/abortion/abortion-advice/abortion-counselling/

I'm so sorry you're going through this, termination is a massive deal and not a decision to be taken lightly so I really sympathize with you. Me and my DH had two children, boy and girl, ummed and ahhed about a third for ages, decided to go for it, nothing happened, and my DH said actually I don't want a third, we are good as we are, and I found out I was pregnant a week later. It wasn't the end of the world, he wasn't very 'excited' at the start but as my pregnancy progressed he did start to come round, although abortion was never an option for us, more that he had made peace with not having another, but my god he absolutely adores our little girl (17 months old now) and she honestly has completed our family. Could we afford another child at the time? Not really. Are we more skint now because I can't work full time? Absolutely. But we have zero regrets. I've heard the phrase many a time, which is you'll regret not having a baby but will never regret having a baby. I'm not posting this to coerce you I'm not against abortion or anything like that but just to let u see how things could be and how things do work themselves out and it isn't the end of the world having another child. All the best hun and don't be pressured into anything!

The fact that your crying shows you don't want to do it and will feel far worse i would expect if you do💐 give yourself more time to think about it i would suggest and don't be influenced by your husband, he doesn't have to live with how you may feel!

I had a 7 & 4 Yr old when had an unplanned pregnancy, best thing ever happened to me personally and they are best mates in their 30s........definitely no resentment. We were very short of money at the time🙈 but second hand equipment sufficed, babies don't have to cost a lot🤷‍♀️

I'm in my 40s and my kids are in their teens. The thought of accidentally falling pregnant is horrific as my husband and I are just getting our lives back, we're so past babies. I would absolutely think I'd do the same thing as you, but I 100% would go through this inner turmoil that you are now.

The only other thing I would say is that friends of mine have had abortions in similar circumstances, some were perfectly fine after, some really struggled to deal with it and maybe regretted their decision.

Give yourself some time to think and really know that you're doing the right thing for you and your husband. There's no huge rush, give yourselves a few days at least xx

I think at the moment the hormones are talking but I know how you feel in a way, as I get insane broodiness even though I know another one would affect our lifestyle and put us in a financially precarious position.
You have to make a choice, are you willing to possibly sacrifice your relationship with dh and add another to the mix (everyone would have to adjust to having a new member of the family), your dh might leave can you support everyone if it comes to the worst?
Only you can decide but if you do make the choice you have to stick with either one as it's permanent.
If you think your relationship can survive a termination I would go with the termination but only if you feel you can't financially support another alone.
You already have two children so need to also weigh how it would affect them.
All the best whatever you decide.

The fact that your crying shows you don't want to do it and will feel far worse i would expect if you do

That's not very helpful. Crying would be perfectly normal in such circumstances, even when you are absolutely sure about what you want to do. These decisions are highly emotional and shedding tears about it doesn't mean you think you are doing the wrong thing, it can just mean you are sad about the circumstances.

I'm sorry you're in this position, op. I can imagine how confusing and agonising this must be.

The thing that sticks out for me is your DH. He's already let you down by shutting you down and not discussing it. You're meant to be a team...you're meant to discuss big things like this. The fact he won't even listen to you or talk it through is unacceptable.
Your DH needs to talk to you, to let you express your feelings. Even if he doesn't change his mind, he should be allowing you to speak yours with him.

I think that the issue is your husband won’t even let you talk it through so you can come to the conclusion you’ve agreed but feel like you’ve absolutely been thorough in your thinking and reduce the guilt you’re feeling. Can you explain that you need to talk it through?

I completely agree and considering it’s your body going through this he needs to be supportive.

The thing is, people can come here and comment and say what they would do, but ultimately, none of us are you and none of us are in your exact situation. You have to make this decision for yourself and your family.

Try make a list of pros and cons and weight them. Try look at the possible outcomes. What does your life look like in 5 / 10 years with and without a baby? How would you feel if the marriage broke down as a result of keeping / going through with the termination? (Not saying it will, but it is a potential outcome). Only you can answer these questions unfortunately.

I agree with a PP who said you need to explain to your DH you need emotional support through this regardless of what you decide!

I think my concern is that even if termination is the right choice, you’re clearly still going to find it very difficult and emotional so your DH really needs to step up!