Termination planned for this weekend and I cannot stop crying :(

[Boringthreadalert]

I am so sorry if this offends or upsets anybody.
I'm mid 30s, DH is late 30s. Married a decade. 2 ds age 8 and 6 who get on brilliantly. We have the perfect set up really.
We've never wanted a third child and have both always been in agreement on that. However yesterday I found out I am pregnant. I'll be just over 5 weeks.
We didn't even really discuss, I booked the appointment for a termination which i had today (all done over the phone) and the meds will arrive via post tomorrow or Wednesday.
But I cannot stop crying. I've tried to discuss with DH but he's shutting down the conversation, saying we've always been in agreement that we wouldn't do this, so don't start now. He said he couldn't bring a baby into the world that we never planned for and that we had to consider if we wanted as he'd always feel guilty. But how am I meant to get over the guilt of terminating?
Our biggest factors for not wanting it are

1. Finances. We have kept nothing so would have to buy everything, and we both work full time so will have high nursery costs (although we'd be entitled to the new 30 funded hours from 9 months)
2. Work - I'm in line for a promotion that I've been working towards for a decade. I've recently gone up to full time to push this along. This would destroy that 100%
3. My boys are at different schools and I struggle with the logistics already of working, drop offs and pick ups and evening clubs (dh works longer hours and is often on call so it all falls on me. They're at evening clubs 4 nights out of 5)
4. I worry that our boys would resent the baby because the dynamics would change

I'm trying to process all these one by one in my head but then DH won't even talk them through with me so what's the point? I feel that this is a lose lose situation. We keep the baby and he resents me. We terminate and i resent him. But I'm not even sure that I want it.

I needed to just get this off my chest as I feel so incredibly alone and I cannot stop crying. The weekend will be here before i know it and I want to feel happy with my choice.
If anyone has any words of wisdom I'd be so grateful

He’s got a cheek. He should have had a vasectomy if he was so bothered. We’ve got three and I’m always terrified of falling pregnant. It’s a horrible situation to be in. I would definitely do what you want rather than what he wants.

So sorry for what you're going through OP. It sounds very much to me like you don't actually want to terminate, but only you know how you feel. Making that decision without being totally sure can be incredibly damaging long term. Your job is temporary - I think you should consider how you'd feel if the promotion / job didn't work out, or you started to resent your job, which happens to most of us at some point - but would be extra painful for you if the job weighed so heavily in this huge decision. (Are they that great an employer if they'd discriminate against a talented employee just because she's pregnant?!). Trust me, most people at work will be putting themselves first in multiple ways and taking time off for far less important stuff than medical/maternity care. Please don't feel guilt about work when you have yourself and your body to prioritise.

Your husband's behaviour is very revealing but this is your body and solely your choice. If you made a decision to keep the pregnancy and made clear it wasn't negotiable, since he is otherwise a nice bloke, I'd be surprised if he continued to withhold support - it would be futile - but if he did a) he's probably not someone you'll go the distance with anyway and b) that would be his loss as children bring more joy and fulfilment than any man.

Sending you a huge hug and support for whatever you decide, please be easy on yourself 💕

I don't think that's true. I read it as op feeling upset because her husband is trying to shut down discussion and not acknowledging how difficult it is for her to go through the physical experience of unplanned pregnancy, so she feels alone and unsupported.

Unplanned pregnancy in theory is easy to make a logical decision about, when it's flesh and blood it's all much harder. Her husband is acting like it's still a paper exercise and emotions don't come into it.

Of course he has a say ... this needs to be a mutual decision. The OP would not be going around crying if he were to step up and behave in a normal humane way and engage in a discussion about it ... he can see how sad and conflicted she feels but appatently has nothibg to offer.
I feel so sorry for this poor woman. Her OH is not treating this as the shared problem that it is.

There's nothing wrong with having a termination if you really don't want another baby. But it sounds like you're not 100% sure and I wouldn't go ahead with the termination if that's the case. Give yourself a bit more time to think on it.

I'm pro choice for women, as it's your body that would need to grow, push out and potentially feed it and you have two healthy DC. But, I think you need time.

Either way there will be a future, but which option is likely to lead to the biggest resentment?

Feeling for you OP
I was the ‘after thought’ child my mum wanted, but not my dad, and I turned out ok. May have recently blown up at a fellow mum who let their kid know the same though - no child should ever know a parent didn’t want them.
As others have pointed out your DH never determined he’d not have any more kids as he kept on having intercourse without having had a vasectomy. He left the option open for himself and should be responsible for that.
i wish you all the best with whatever decision you make re the bundle of cells (it is not a baby yet)

It sounds like you have some uncomfortable choices. DH definitely does not want another child so…

You terminate
You have the baby, possibly as a single mum

Which option feels better to you?

Personally, if he won’t discuss it, I would just come out and say what you need to say. “I think I want to keep the baby”. Then you get your response and you can decide.

Only you and hubby can decide what is right for your family.

If you are both certain hubby needs to get the snip to prevent this happening again. Proactive rather than reactive birth control.

Trust your gut. Dh has a right to his view but if you want the baby, please do keep it x

Such a tough position to be in Op, I had an unplanned 3rd baby last year. My initial reaction when I found out was to terminate but I decided to wait and see. I had 2 miscarriages between my first and second pregnancies so I felt better leaving it up to fate. 3 children (all boys) is tough, we had to get a new car and currently trying to buy a house which we will have to stretch on to get somewhere big enough. Some days I think how much easier it would be if I had stopped at 2. Someone gave me some advice once which was you won't ever regret a child once they are here, and despite it being hard I have found that to be true.

I don't think you can make these decisions with pure logic you feelings and beliefs have to come into it.

Would having the baby adopted be an option?

Take more time to think it feels like you don’t want to do this x

If you're crying all the time, do you really want to terminate this baby? Yes, you've ordered the medication. You don't have to take it. You still have a choice. You can have this baby and make it work. Or you can terminate. What do you really want to do?

Either way, your DH should have a vasectomy so you don't have to go through this again. If he'd done that in the first place you wouldn't have to decide between going through a pregnancy or all the aspects a termination involves, so make the decision that is right for you.

I was in a very similar situation. 2 girls 4 and 6. It was a complete suprise/shock. My husband said that he couldn't promise me that he would be there for me if I kept the baby as it just wasn't right for either of us. He really is not good at emotions. I was very emotional and spoke with a counsellor at Marie Stopes who was amazingly helpful. I didn't really want to have another baby but had never imagined that I would have a termination either and this was something I then had to come to terms with. We had been using protection, it was such a suprise.

In the end I did terminate and felt mainly relief after. I think i had spent so much emotion going through the decision making process and I have never regretted the decision.

Whatever is right for you is the right thing.

Take a breath. At 5 weeks you do have time on your side, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Take a few days, a week... 3 weeks, as long as you need (I think you can take the pills up to 9 weeks).

I agree that it is a shared problem, but ultimately the final decision is yours. I find that so many men avoid communication because they don't do feelings, they are very practical (I know my partner is) and getting them to talk is like getting blood out of a stone. Keep trying on that one. Let him know that whatever decision you make, his support is whats needed. Even if he doesn't completely agree, you need emotional support right now.

I hope you can come to a decision that's right for you and your family.

I havent read the full thread but,to me it sounds less like you want opinions from.strangers about whether ro go through with the termination, amd more that you want to do this WITH your dh.

Try telling him it's not tye immaculate conception...that he has been part of the situation you now find yourself in amd that you need him to support and think and talk with you.

I think the dangerous isn't that he will resent you if you don't have the terminación amd vice versa. Its that in shutting down and pretending this is nothing to do with him he isolates you totally and in a way that is difficult to recover from as a couple.

He needs to know that he is risking this...and that you are as fraught as he may be but that neither of you can afford ro shut down..you need to think. You can't, amd should t, have to do this alone..

I hope you can convey this to him..

Take care of yourself, and I hope he can help you in that process. .. and that you can help each other.

Is he usually so shut off?

If you want the baby none of those things should matter. You will get through it.

What do you think you would regret more? Having the baby or aborting the baby?
If your husband is unsupportive maybe he needs put in his box!

I disagree with this, it's his choice too. I guess you have to decide if it's worth the risk or disrupting and potentially destroying your family (if it ends up ruining your marriage). Sorry, haven't RTFT, can you postpone the date and get some counselling or better yet, talk to a friend in RL who knows you?

The best advice someone gave me once was "when in doubt, do nowt" Take the time to think about it op. I wish you the best of luck.

How are you feeling about it all op? I'm the same age, same job position with similar age kids and I know I would be having the same struggle- sane goes for your husband. I know I'd probably go ahead with the termination but I'd resent him not having a simple conversation about it. Tell him to get that vasectomy booked asap. We had a scare recently and I told him as he hasn't gone ahead with booking it he has no say in what I would decide to do

You have time @Boringthreadalert the medication will work up to 8 weeks, give yourself a week.
If you still want to go ahead then you have the medication but think it through.
Doing this in haste and regretting it could destroy your relationship and affect your mental health.

Take a breather decide what you want.

And be kind to yourself, it's ok to want to take the medication and it's ok to have changed your mind now your in this situation.

It can be a no win situation though. If his decision trumps, and it's against what she really wanted, that could destroy the marriage too. It is her final decision in the end. If he was really done, he could have had a vasectomy (while realising even that isn't free of risk of failure, however tiny).

No words of wisdom, just experience, in 2019 i had an abortion at 7 weeks, me and OH have 4 kids together, 2 are autistic, one dyslexic, so we decided after our last not to have any more/ didn’t want any more (only planned for 3 but then had twins lol) initially after the abortion i did feel relieved, but i didn’t ever want to do it again as it wasn’t a nice experience emotionally, im very maternal and it just went against all my instincts.
In April last year i found out i was pregnant again, my OH was very against having another baby and to be honest i didn’t want to start all over again my youngest (twins) were 8 and we were finally starting to get some time for ourselves, relationship was going great and we were financially stable, i said to my friend that it is probably the perfect time to have a baby as our lives were stable but a baby could also ruin our stability, i decided that i couldn’t go through another abortion though and so i decided to keep the baby, OH was angry at first (not at me but at the situation) and was pretty distant from anything pregnancy related (although he did cry at all the scans) my eldest son (12) was very unhappy when we broke the news, he actually cried, the pregnancy was an emotional rollercoaster of “ok i can do this” to “oh my god i can’t do this, wtf am i doing” and even when i was in labour i kept thinking oh my god i can’t have a newborn again, and then she was born, and honestly all the worries/not wanting another baby disappeared- even for my OH who looked at me about 5 mins after she was born said any resentment/ not wanting baby disappeared, we brought her home and son 12, also melted at the sight of her, she is now nearly 8 months, and a little sunshine for everyone in the house, and i don’t regret having her one little bit (even though she is currently keeping me awake between 11 and 2am lol) i dread to think that she might not have been here, everyone is absolutely in love with her, and she has daddy and big bro at her beck n call lol, my only advice i can give is -if there are any doubts about going forward with an abortion, don’t do it xx