Termination planned for this weekend and I cannot stop crying :(

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I am so sorry if this offends or upsets anybody.
I'm mid 30s, DH is late 30s. Married a decade. 2 ds age 8 and 6 who get on brilliantly. We have the perfect set up really.
We've never wanted a third child and have both always been in agreement on that. However yesterday I found out I am pregnant. I'll be just over 5 weeks.
We didn't even really discuss, I booked the appointment for a termination which i had today (all done over the phone) and the meds will arrive via post tomorrow or Wednesday.
But I cannot stop crying. I've tried to discuss with DH but he's shutting down the conversation, saying we've always been in agreement that we wouldn't do this, so don't start now. He said he couldn't bring a baby into the world that we never planned for and that we had to consider if we wanted as he'd always feel guilty. But how am I meant to get over the guilt of terminating?
Our biggest factors for not wanting it are

1. Finances. We have kept nothing so would have to buy everything, and we both work full time so will have high nursery costs (although we'd be entitled to the new 30 funded hours from 9 months)
2. Work - I'm in line for a promotion that I've been working towards for a decade. I've recently gone up to full time to push this along. This would destroy that 100%
3. My boys are at different schools and I struggle with the logistics already of working, drop offs and pick ups and evening clubs (dh works longer hours and is often on call so it all falls on me. They're at evening clubs 4 nights out of 5)
4. I worry that our boys would resent the baby because the dynamics would change

I'm trying to process all these one by one in my head but then DH won't even talk them through with me so what's the point? I feel that this is a lose lose situation. We keep the baby and he resents me. We terminate and i resent him. But I'm not even sure that I want it.

I needed to just get this off my chest as I feel so incredibly alone and I cannot stop crying. The weekend will be here before i know it and I want to feel happy with my choice.
If anyone has any words of wisdom I'd be so grateful

My DSis found herself in your exact situation.

She was torn.

My niece is 16 now.

Thanks so much for all the advice, opinions and own experiences. It's really helping.
I've been sick since Saturday morning and my boobs are in agony. It's like a permanent reminder.
I have a really important business trip 2 weeks today for 3 days which is why I was rushing to terminate this coming weekend. If I'm going to do it it needs to be before this trip or I feel too much time will have passed. I'll have no chance of hiding my pregnancy otherwise as there are 5 of us going away and the company have spent a lot of money on it. And I'm really worried I'll be judged if they find out I'm pregnant and then go ahead with the termination.
I feel like my head is spinning and I can't think about anything else. The boys keep asking why I'm crying and I keep saying I'm feeling poorly. They've always been desperate for us to have another baby but I know the reality will likely be quite different for them.
Financially we can afford the baby but we only just comfortable in that respect- we arent loaded and we dont really put anything away each month but we do have savings in the bank and spend out on luxuries each month. I don't want to be scrimping on things just as we are getting comfortable.
And job wise it's really difficult to get promoted. As I've had 2 dc in the last decade and went part time, it's delayed things for me. I went back full time a few months ago and everyone knows the promotion is on the cards for me hopefully by April. There is no way they'd promote me knowing I was pregnant as I'd be managing a whole department of people and it wouldn't be fair to accept them job without making them aware of my circumstances. But I'd also not go back full time for another 5 years or so and by that time I'd be in my 40s and I think the ship will have sailed.
DH is a lovely guy but incredibly emotionally unattached from everything. Always has been. It's the only thing I don't like about him. Only last week I said to him you may be the best 'house' husband and do all the ironing, diy, the majority of the cleaning,.washing etc without ever being asked and an amazing dad. And he works hard and long hours. But what's any of that if I can't ever talk to you about how I'm feeing about anything? Little did I know how much of an issue that would become

Give yourself a bit more time and talk this through with someone who can support you while you figure out what you really want.

I'm sending you might want to go ahead with the pregnancy - you wouldn't be the first person to have an unplanned third child and make it work.

Figure out what you want first and then you can deal with your husband.

If I was crying at the thought of it then I wouldn't go ahead with the termination. I would follow my heart tbh unless I really couldn't financially cope with another one.

I have to say your DH sounds like a complete dick.

It sounds like this may be your DH way of dealing with it. Even though it might not be what he wants, do you think he’d come round? Also you may be surprised! One of my friends got a brand new job and fell pregnant immediately. It was a very high profile role
and involved a lot of travel. She was terrified but they were totally fine especially as it kind of meant she wasn’t going to go anywhere and she’s still doing fine!

How old are you op? Not to sound awful, but there could be a high chance of miscarriage anyway. How does that make you feel?

No need for anyone to know you're pregnant on your business trip while you decide what to do. You're on antibiotics that you can't drink on and if necessary they've given you a bit of an upset stomach and terrible bloating. Best of luck whatever decision you make.

I'm 36. Will have just turned 37 when baby comes. Will that be really high risk?

It's unlikely that you will ever look at the baby and think "I wish I hadn't had you" but you might regret the abortion. I wonder if you feel insecure because your husband isn't supporting you - your career will be ok and it might be hard in the early years but time rushes by anyway. Don't rush into this it must be your choice and no one else's. Not even your husbands. ❤️

And it would be absolutely fair to accept the job without letting people know the circumstances if you chose to. They're not allowed to discriminate on the grounds of pregnancy so it shouldn't be a factor in their decision making.

I think as awful as it sounds if I miscarried it would be a relief as the decision is out of my hands. At the moment it's knowing that I'm terminating my own child that's killing me. I feel really bad saying that as I miscarried a baby between my boys at 8 weeks and it was absolutely horrific. I have every emotion under the sun. Including knowing this baby may be a girl (50% chance it isn't too I know).

My opinion is that it sounds like you are in no fit state to go ahead with this. I agree none of us are you. But it sounds like you do not want this at all.

I wonder whether having two boys is clouding your judgment a little as well. You’d clearly be happy with a girl but having 3 boys myself, I can say there’s a strong possibility of another boy. Whilst you’ll be 37 when baby arrives, you’ll be classed as a geriatric mum.

What if your baby has a disability? My third is severely disabled and I’m not shy saying, whilst I love him dearly (and he was planned), if he was my first he’d have been an only child. Because 22 years on, it’s bloody hard work.

I know what I would do, but only you (not even your husband) can make the decision.

Good luck.

Don't forget that you can talk this through by calling the Samaritans. They won't judge and won't be hurt by whatever you decide but they will help you set out all your options and how you feel about these.

You are reacting rather than thinking at the moment and might need a pause here.

It sounds as if your DH is first a practical man rather than an emotional one. He is reacting as if this is something already planned for and so is seeing abortion as simply the obvious solution.

Is he likely to be just as practical if you decide you cannot go through with a termination and he must deal with a change in life-plan?

Your feelings are important. Keep that in mind.

I don’t think you want this baby, I think you were already aware that your DH was lacking in emotional connection with you and now you’re facing this hugely emotional turmoil and you need him, and he’s not there.

im sorry OP. Not that it makes any difference at all but I wouldn’t be having another in these circumstances either. What a lovely balanced life you have. This is also why we won’t have no3. However my DH got the snip…

Just to say that you wouldn't considered be particularly high risk at your age OP, please don't be scare-mongered. All of my friends didn't start TTC until 35+ and my Mum had me at 40 (very much unplanned!), we're all fine and healthy with no scary stories, disabilities or non-genetic SEN. 36/7 isn't that much different statistics wise to 33/4.

@Mossstitch The fact that your crying shows you don't want to do it and will feel far worse i would expect if you do

Absolute bollocks. Op is in shock, still processing the idea of it all and this does NOT mean either of your opinions above are the truth.

OP, termination does seem very sensible in your situation. You will always get posters who had "unexpected" pregnancies on these threads as they want to justify their own choices. Make your own mind up for your family only, don't be swayed by the "it's fiiiiiiiiine" crowd.

Ask yourself if DH couldn't take your decision to continue, would you cope as a single parent to 3? You must consider this as a possible outcome. I've know more than one husband bail when extra unwanted children came along.

If you terminate, you need to insist on either he gets a vasectomy or you get sterilised so you are never in this position again.

I am so sorry you're in this position and I understand perfectly how you feel since I went through the same.
I went ahead with a termination, and I don't regret it at all.

He needs a vasectomy. Personally, I think you want this baby and are listing the cons to help you come round to your DH perspective.

Being sad or worried being in this decision doesn't automatically mean you have made the wrong choice. It is a very hard decision to make.

I think you will feel emotional with either decision, especially if you and your DH are not perfectly in agreement.

I wanted dc3 way more than dh and it did add a level of pressure when dc3 was very small and life was tricky. I knew the situation was one I had chosen not him. Obviously we both love all three but no3 did make our life harder than when we just had 2 and I felt guilty for a long time. (Not now though).

the factors you mention are very valid reasons to terminate if you want to but they also are not deal breakers if you want to continue the pregnancy. Some of the reasons are temporary and don't matter in the medium term.

I don't think your age is a particular risk either. My (London) midwives said they regularly see mothers who are 40plus and first time mothers.

In terms of work, don't let the trip rush you. If need me, get signed off sick. You can't base a major life decision around a work trip even if your employer spent a lot of money on it. I have a stressful job so I do understand the pressures but think the stress might be blurring your priorities a little on this specific point (meant kindly not a criticism).

I hope you find peace with whichever decision you make.

Whatever you do, please don't overlook the emotional element here too for you. It is a life-changing decision.

Sadly your marriage is over whatever happens. When is vasectomy booked for?