Termination planned for this weekend and I cannot stop crying :(

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I am so sorry if this offends or upsets anybody.
I'm mid 30s, DH is late 30s. Married a decade. 2 ds age 8 and 6 who get on brilliantly. We have the perfect set up really.
We've never wanted a third child and have both always been in agreement on that. However yesterday I found out I am pregnant. I'll be just over 5 weeks.
We didn't even really discuss, I booked the appointment for a termination which i had today (all done over the phone) and the meds will arrive via post tomorrow or Wednesday.
But I cannot stop crying. I've tried to discuss with DH but he's shutting down the conversation, saying we've always been in agreement that we wouldn't do this, so don't start now. He said he couldn't bring a baby into the world that we never planned for and that we had to consider if we wanted as he'd always feel guilty. But how am I meant to get over the guilt of terminating?
Our biggest factors for not wanting it are

1. Finances. We have kept nothing so would have to buy everything, and we both work full time so will have high nursery costs (although we'd be entitled to the new 30 funded hours from 9 months)
2. Work - I'm in line for a promotion that I've been working towards for a decade. I've recently gone up to full time to push this along. This would destroy that 100%
3. My boys are at different schools and I struggle with the logistics already of working, drop offs and pick ups and evening clubs (dh works longer hours and is often on call so it all falls on me. They're at evening clubs 4 nights out of 5)
4. I worry that our boys would resent the baby because the dynamics would change

I'm trying to process all these one by one in my head but then DH won't even talk them through with me so what's the point? I feel that this is a lose lose situation. We keep the baby and he resents me. We terminate and i resent him. But I'm not even sure that I want it.

I needed to just get this off my chest as I feel so incredibly alone and I cannot stop crying. The weekend will be here before i know it and I want to feel happy with my choice.
If anyone has any words of wisdom I'd be so grateful

It sounds like in your heart you don't want it and I'd go with your feelings rather than the logistics, which you'll work around if need be.

Sorry you are in this situation. It's really tough and the guilt is awful.

We were in the same situation about 2 years ago. We had three older kids (youngest was 8) we were just in a nice stage where the stress of young kids was over, the logistics had all worked itself out and we also had financial worries, house not big enough.

Like yourself my DH was totally against continuing. He was listening to me but he really didn't want to keep baby. I was so confused because my emotions were involved and I felt awful about terminating. Yet I was very happ6 with three kids and hadn't seen myself with a 4th. I was also very nervous about the termination process so anxiety was making me think it would be easier to continue with the pregnancy.

I gave myself time (2 weeks) and decided to go ahead with termination. Every situation is different but it was the right decision for me. Once I took the tablets, I felt a sense of relief and that was my answer.

The process was much easier than I had anticipated and I haven't been left with any questions or trauma after it. Even though I cried so much while we were making the decision . It would have changed our whole lives. I was young having my sons and felt I didn't want to have one later in life as well as being a young mam.

Take your time making decision. ❤️

Obviously every pregnancy is different, but I'm 36 and will be 37 when babys born (also a surprise baby). I was initially classed as high risk as my age made my downs risk very high (this seems quite common over 30/35) but we had further testing and all is good. Everyone I know who's older and been pregnant has been the same, no babies have had downs yet but the higher risk is stressful.

I'd definitely say this is my most stressful pregnancy so far, but I have 2 older boys and did kinda hope for a girl, we got lucky and it is but obviously could go either way.

If you can, try and talk to your husband. Either way he needs to step up and support you in whatever you choose. It's a huge decision (and not normally one you discuss with others in person) so he needs to be helping you.

You're welcome to message me, I was in exactly the same position about 18 months ago. I had the abortion. Emotionally I've been very up and down since but I would have been even if I'd had the baby. It was the right decision for me personally and my family but it was hard to process and I needed a lot of conversations with my husband and some close friends. I'm happy to chat if you need someone, it can be a lonely place x

So sorry OP, for you to be crying and effusion tells me you should NOT go ahead with the TOP!

I'm with the first poster.

You sound as if you want to keep the baby but DH is shutting down the conversation. He shouldn't be doing this.

At 5 weeks you have time to get some counselling and look at what options you have.

If you decide to keep it but can't see how, Life will help with practical things but they are pro keeping the baby. However, if you do go ahead and end up regretting it, then they can provide support. Support is available elsewhere. BPAS (pro choice) are there at the end of a phone.

I hope and pray it works out for you. ❤️💐

Life is an anti-abortion charity founded by evangelical Catholics. It opposes the decriminalization of abortion. The founders would prefer that women didn't have the choice of abortion and lobby politicians to restrict abortion. It looks like it might be neutral but it's not. @TheOwlAndThePussycatCannotSwim you should be ashamed of yourself for suggesting them to someone considering abortion.

Op if I were you I'd find a neutral third party counsellor to talk it through with and come to a decision. Sometimes just talking it over with someone who has no vested interest in your decision can be valuable.

Not necessarily. 🙄 It’s quite probably that termination is the right choice she’s just in shock and needs her husband to help her talk it through. If she keeps it then he may also value his marriage more than you think and come round. I know not all men do, but he has two other children he loves there’s a strong chance he will accept everything after all.

I think you have to make it clear to your DH that if he continues to dismiss you he will be looking at the end of his marriage because you’ll never forget how callous he was towards you. You made a hypothetical decision but you’ve now got a life inside of you and you are not some kind of robot who can turn off her feelings.

I think I'd base my decision on this on what I want. Don't take any of DH factors into it and just think about you and what you truly feel you want for yourself. Don't think about finances,jobs, logistics, baby wouldn't be here tomorrow, it would all sort itself out. Just think of yourself and what you think is the best option for you emotionally, and then factor in the other things.

It's so difficult isn't it, and I wouldn't know what I'd do. I had a termination at 22 when me and DH had just got together. That decision was simple id just lost my job, me and my partner lived with parents, and I just knew in my heart it was the right decision and I've never once doubted that in 12 years. We have 3 girls now, and we wouldn't want any more, financially, my job, all the things you yourself are considering. But if I was in this situation I would struggle with just saying ' ok I'll terminate' once you have kids I think it's a much harder decision.

Whatever you decide please think of yourself and don't do something to please someone else. He isn't thinking of you emotionally so you shouldn't worry about him that way, it's not fair.

Hugs for you xxx

It’s (obviously) OK to have an abortion.

It’s also OK not to have an abortion if you don’t want one.

I agree with everyone else who has said you still have time to decide and to get counselling with a neutral third party. I know you said that work would notice, but if they did and you decided not to continue the pregnancy, then you just have to tell the, you lost the pregnancy - no need to go into detail about how, unless you choose to.

Your OH is absolutely out of order to be refusing to communicate, share your need for support and discussion and to essentially blank you. It is beyond unacceptable.

I will only say that I used to work with women requesting termination under the Act when it first came out - a long time ago - and that it was remarkable how many came back pregnant after the termination. They often said that they felt a need to replace the baby that had been terminated. I know many women terminate and are very content with their decision, but this was an observable fact that showed a degree of ambivalence.

There are so many things wrong here for you, not least that you are crying all the time. And the fact that your boys are keen on a sibling - of course they do not understand all the implications - work, finance etc. - must be playing on your mind.

I can understand your tears - you are conflicted and upset and your OH is resolutely refusing to provide support over this - he does not have that right - you did not get pregnant by divine intervention - this is a shared problem and he cannot ignore how you are feeling. I honestly would not want to continue with him whatever your final decision about the pregnancy. What a dreadful situation for you to be in. Your OH should be ashamed of himself. I am so sorry.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I was in your shoes 4 years ago. I found out about a week after we went into lockdown and I'd just been furloughed at the time. Baby number 3 was never on the cards, it was practically an immaculate conception. There was so much uncertainty, I didn't know if I'd even have a job and both our children had birth defects that required surgery as babies and time in hospital. I did sit on it for a week or so, I even took folic acid. It felt so strange to not have that excitement of early pregnancy. In the end I went through with the termination although at the time I did feel my dh never really thought keeping it was an option and I held onto a lot of resentment. 4 years on I have no regrets, we've been able to upsize our house and move to a nicer area, furlough lasted 6 weeks and I've been back full time since. Our then 2 year old is now nearly 7 and life with older kids is so much fun and less tiring and without the burden of full time childcare we've been able to treat ourselves and do more things as a family. Ultimately it is your choice, what was right for me may not be for you and people do say you'll never regret the child you have but may regret the one you didn't. I certainly wasn't 100% sure at the time and had it not been for Covid I may have made a different decision but right now I don't regret it. Sending you a hand hold as it is not an easy decision and only one you can make with a lot of soul searching.

If you keep crying, I feel like that's a sign you want the baby. It's such a hard choice, but do what you think is right - not your husband, it's your body

I'll get some grief for this comment but I think the DH deserves a bit of understanding here too. Yes ideally he should be better at communicating, but some men just aren't built like that, despite being kind hardworking men who love their partner and kids.

It must be scary to be the bloke in this situation and to know that you may have another child when you really don't want to and the choice is out of your hands. This may be really worrying him, but men often deal with worry by trying to shut things down rather than wanting to talk about them. Perhaps he thinks if he agrees to talk about it, it becomes more real and it's more likely OP will not want to go ahead with the termination.

I think a previous poster was right in saying maybe OP needs to tell him that she's not trying to talk him into having it, she just needs to be able to talk about it and have his support throughout the process, whatever decision they come to together.

I'm sorry your DH won't provide you with the emotional support you need, it's so crap

Sometimes you just need them to hear you and them absorb some of the pain you feel at having to take the decision.

Your husband has to accept this is a shared problem. It's concerning that he has such an unsupportive response to getting you pregnant.

Whatever you choose to do, you will always resent him if he refuses to discuss it. He needs to realise that if you did terminate it's not as simple as that's it, back to normal for you all.

If you do want to go ahead with the pregnancy your boys are close in age and old enough not to get jealous of a new baby. You will be able to get your career back on track in your 40s.

But only consider those aspects if you actually want the baby.

5 weeks is very early - if you took the medication it would just be a heavy period. from a scientific point of view, at that stage it’s a zygote - a fertilised egg that’s just a bunch of cells. That happens all the time but most of the time the zygote doesn’t manage to stick to the uterus and it lost with the rest of your period.

i think that choosing an abortion later would be much more difficult. The fact you wish you would miscarry means you really don’t want to have a baby. You just don’t want to make the decision.

I wouldn’t blame yourself. I would take the meds and put it out your mind. And tell your insensitive husband he needs to go get the snip asap and don’t have sex again til he does.

Aww it's so difficult not wanting a baby but also not wanting to get rid of one that now exists. You will know in your heart of hearts if this is the right thing to do for your and your family. But I think your husband's lack of support right now will be the thing that really damages your relationship beyond this. I couldn't forgive being left on my own to process something this difficult by my apparent partner.

Your husband really needs to give you the time of day to talk about this. Given your previous miscarriage this is going to hit you hard. I know you probably want to get this done one way or another but as things settle do you think he'll speak to you properly about it?

Maybe start the conversation with saying that you aren't trying to convince him to keep the baby but that it's brought back a lot of emotions from your miscarriage and you need to talk this through with him before you can take the pills.

Sorry OP, I hope you are able to make the best decision for you, with support, and find peace at the end. x

This.

He needs one hell of a wake-up call. If another child was not in any way acceptable to him, why has he not had a vasectomy?

He heeds to know now that keeping his marriage and his wife’s respect is in question. He has to be caring and supportive and not shut OP down.

I think that’s so unfair on the man to be honest. OP isn’t a single woman who would bring up the baby alone - her partner lives with her, actively parents the first two children etc and wouldn’t be able to opt out of a third baby. “He has no say in the matter” - in this set up I feel like that isn’t right

You’d hope that the couple would be able to mutually agree in these circumstances, yes. But if they can’t, it’s the woman’s decision. It has to be.

I really feel for you as was in a similar position twenty yrs ago. It's something I have had to live with and I think about it constantly but at the end of the day it's you that has to make the decision. Maybe call a helpline to discuss it x

But this needs challenging head on. He doesn’t get to say ‘ but this is how I am’, not in my book.

I would have no respect at all for my DH if he was doing this. Doubly so if he had not immediately booked a vasectomy.

Men do not get to say they aren’t prepared to have any more children and not get sterilised in my view. If they hold that position, they need to take the required action.