Termination planned for this weekend and I cannot stop crying :(

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I am so sorry if this offends or upsets anybody.
I'm mid 30s, DH is late 30s. Married a decade. 2 ds age 8 and 6 who get on brilliantly. We have the perfect set up really.
We've never wanted a third child and have both always been in agreement on that. However yesterday I found out I am pregnant. I'll be just over 5 weeks.
We didn't even really discuss, I booked the appointment for a termination which i had today (all done over the phone) and the meds will arrive via post tomorrow or Wednesday.
But I cannot stop crying. I've tried to discuss with DH but he's shutting down the conversation, saying we've always been in agreement that we wouldn't do this, so don't start now. He said he couldn't bring a baby into the world that we never planned for and that we had to consider if we wanted as he'd always feel guilty. But how am I meant to get over the guilt of terminating?
Our biggest factors for not wanting it are

1. Finances. We have kept nothing so would have to buy everything, and we both work full time so will have high nursery costs (although we'd be entitled to the new 30 funded hours from 9 months)
2. Work - I'm in line for a promotion that I've been working towards for a decade. I've recently gone up to full time to push this along. This would destroy that 100%
3. My boys are at different schools and I struggle with the logistics already of working, drop offs and pick ups and evening clubs (dh works longer hours and is often on call so it all falls on me. They're at evening clubs 4 nights out of 5)
4. I worry that our boys would resent the baby because the dynamics would change

I'm trying to process all these one by one in my head but then DH won't even talk them through with me so what's the point? I feel that this is a lose lose situation. We keep the baby and he resents me. We terminate and i resent him. But I'm not even sure that I want it.

I needed to just get this off my chest as I feel so incredibly alone and I cannot stop crying. The weekend will be here before i know it and I want to feel happy with my choice.
If anyone has any words of wisdom I'd be so grateful

If you don’t want to terminate, you don’t have to terminate. It’s a really personal decision and no one, even your husband should pressure you on this decision.

you need to remember that if he was certain he was done having children, he had the choice to have a vasectomy. If he did not utilize that option, then he has no right to complain about you making this decision about your own fertility.

I would remind dh that he helped create this situation and the least he can do is talk about it.

I had a termination years ago, I was in a bedsit with no kitchen and an 8 week old baby after my husband raped and abused me. I know I did the right thing, I 100% know I did. I still regret it, still think about what might have been and still think about how old they would be. The fact that you're on here implies that you're not 100% sure on what you want and don't let dh pressure you.

I am sorry that you are in this situation. I know that we are two and done, but also that I couldn’t terminate an unexpected pregnancy, and neither could my husband, so I feel for you.
If he really wants you to do that, then why hasn’t he had a vasectomy?

its less intrusive than female sterilisation and more reliable than birth control. Why leave you to be responsible to make sure you only have two kids?

Also wanted to add, there's 12 years between my 2 and I thought there's no way autistic ds is going to cope having had me to himself for 12 years and dealing with such huge changes. They are the best of friends and I worried for nothing. Imagine not having ds2 incase ds1 wouldn't be happy, it's really not about them, they'll adjust. You have to do what's right for you.

I think it's really tricky
I terminated and didn't want to, but I couldn't afford a child so it was a bit.. that's that
I desperately didn't want to terminate, I was crying all the time and ended up having months of counselling but it was the right choice

I guess I'm saying it can be the right choice even if you don't want it to be? But don't rush, you have time and talk it over with someone

I had a termination when I was 19 after a one night stand on a drunken student night out. Clearly it wouldn't have been feasible for me to have the child however, I'm 38 now and I've thought about it every day since. A woman approached me last year and said that I had a girl spirit around me and said a few things that made sense. It really upset me.

I am not saying that to guilt you into it in any way, shape or form. Your reasoning behind wanting a termination makes complete sense. I thought I'd share my story because it's not always as clean cut as "you'll get over it".

Also, when I had mine, I had to return to the hospital due to excessive bleeding as it hadn't all naturally come out of my body. A friend of mine said the same happened to her. Another friend said the Dr informed her to have a surgical termination as what I described was quite typical. I'm just warning you as you mentioned about your work break.

I'm a single mum to 3 children now and my third has autism. He was my unplanned child and there were times when he was younger and extremely difficult that I ashamedly questioned whether I should have had a third as I wasn't coping. He's amazing though and I couldn't be happier with my three. We are such a team. Other posters were right to point out that you should consider what would happen if your husband left, if your child was disabled and/or had additional needs and if your husband checks out and leaves everything to you as it was your choice.
You really need to get him to listen to you.
Best of luck x

You will resent him if you're going to have an abortion you don't want

@DisappearingGirl

if Diddums was that against another baby, he should have taken his little Willy off to be fixed!

he also could have used condoms.

he had choices, but he didn't need to do anything that might cause him discomfort because 'sex appliance' could be set to 'terminate' no problem or discomfort to him

It's not his decision to make now. It's her body, her decision.

That's true, I just think that it could end the relationship. Also, they did agree that they would not be having anymore children, that had been decided.

One of the many things that concern me about your OP is that you could terminate to please him when you don't want to, and then not work out as a couple like other people have said.

Either option could end the relationship if the other side feels strongly enough.

Things change. We were done with four children when an unexpected pregnancy occurred. My DH knew better than to suggest a termination (though I doubt he'd have wanted it at all himself). He took me in his arms, knowing he was as responsible as I was for the situation, and reassured my tearful self that it would be okay. And it was. We got a beautiful bonus baby girl who enriches our life. If he'd coerced me into a termination I'd have walked away from the relationship. There is no compromise. You either have it or you don't.

It is perfectly possible to not want to go through a termination but at the same time not want a baby or the implications of it. It’s more what is the lesser of two evils. Sonsorry for you OP. Your husband should be supporting you.

If you are having doubts then don't go through with it.

There’s a real cruelty in the way your H won’t even speak to you about this. He more than contributed to this accidental pregnancy, but cutting you off and essentially saying “just deal with it, I don’t want to hear about it,” is totally fucking shit of him.

Your body is already awash with hormones, and having already had children and a miscarriage, a termination, which is never easy, takes on a different slant. He should be there to support you through it with love, not cut you off with a raised hand and total indifference.

I had two older children and life was so easy. My surprise pregnancy was a shock and completely inappropriate with regard to timing, finance, career etc. My ex did everything to get me to terminate and a surgical was booked. On the morning I just couldn't do it. The baby was going to be a massive inconvenience, but I couldn't step outside the door to get to the hospital. I now have three beautiful GDC from this DC, but I ended up a single parent. Only you know OP whether you can cope with the termination or not. It's such a difficult decision.

I hope you can find what you want op

Agree.

Yes. MN is rather slanted to pro-life but it's important to realise that pro-choice doesn't mean you have to be happy about it, just that you do have a choice for what's best for you and your family (one increasingly denied to women around the world due to the rise of the far right misogynistic culture).

I've never met a woman who took termination lightly but they have all said afterwards it was the best, sensible decision for their future and their current children too.

Take your time OP and yes DH needs to book that vasectomy!

Good advice. Also tell DH you can't go through with it without a full discussion of each point. He has to realise your hormones will be making you want to protect your baby. It is your decision because you will have to live with it. Fwiw I had a 10 year old and an 8 year old and got pregnant unexpectedly whilst on the pill. I didn't realise for 10 weeks as my beloved Dad had just died and I thought grief had made me not have my period. Then I missed a second one and tested. I was in shock. I went ahead with pregnancy and was never sorry. DH was not happy at first and complained through my pregnancy and kept saying he wouldn't bond with baby because he didn't want it. It upset me but once our baby was born and a few months old DH fell in love with our baby. Things were tight financially for several years. We all had to cut back a bit. I like you, had given away all our baby stuff. I bought pre used to save money and we were given some equipment too. My DC are all grown up now but youngest is the most loving DS I could wish for. He also has an incredible relationship with his brother who is almost 9 years older than him. If you decide to go ahead with termination don't feel bad about it.

I'm sorry, what a difficult situation.

It's concerning that if your DH is not being emotionally supportive now, what will he be like after the termination? You are going to need a lot of support, so if you are going to go ahead, I would be thinking about where that support is likely coming from or what that might look like (counselling for eg).

Also, it is very rare to regret another child (of course it happens) but it is more common to wish for something that isn't there. I would give yourself more time as pp said. I know your trip is imminent, but it is one blip in a decision that will have much longer and far-reaching consequences.

Your choice only and you have to do what is right for you, and you only.

But if you want this baby, your concerns are really overcome-able. When we had our dc, there was no funded hours (eldest) and only from 3 (youngest). We managed. From 9 months with funding, it’s very doable for most families with 2 working parents and it’s short term. There is no guarantee at all that your career will suffer. Being full time with a baby/toddler is in theory easier than with school age children (at different schools) as you have longer hours of childcare provision.

Between ours, when we were your age, I got a promotion and a PhD and Dh started a successful business. You’re only 36. There’s so much time left to build your career. By the time I was early to mid 40s, I hated the field I have been in for 20 years anyway (thought I loved it at 36!). I’m now retraining with a new qualification and starting a business entirely unrelated to my previous career. So much can happen that you can’t plan for. I wouldn’t catastrophise everything in the future now.

You need to think of yourself and what you need right now. Not about your Dh. Or your dc. Or some work thing that might happen in the future (btw I did 3 weeks travel to America for work at 7-9 weeks pregnant and it was totally fine, I was just tired!). You have to be sure about your decision and what feels right for you first before you can consider anyone else. You have plenty of time to think about that still.

Don't rush into anything. You have time. Your husband needs to accept that you want a conversation about it. He may be able to just push his feelings down but you have to go through a huge ordeal either way, so he's being extremely unfair.

I've been bullied into a termination. You don't get over it.

Just so you're away also - it may not be straight forward if you're banking on it happening quickly. I had a MMC at 6 weeks and it took 2 months in total for it all to pass. I had to take the pill 3 times. I'm sorry if this is upsetting but I just want you to be aware if you're planning trips around it being complete this weekend.