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Original poster

I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

459 replies

PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 21:11

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

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Original poster
PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:45

Jk987 · 27/08/2024 22:55

Maybe just marry someone you fall in love with. Someone who's your equal. Being a SAHM with no money of your own is a funny thing to aspire to. I understand not wanting to work full time with a child but there are many other options.

Which options?

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Viviennemary · 27/08/2024 23:46

A lot of professional men would rather have a wife who had a career. You might not even like being a SAHM. A lot of women don't find this lifestyle fulfilling. So it's not all its cracked up to be.

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 27/08/2024 23:49

@PoliteEagle Nope - definitely don't want to be "looking after" my husband - he's a grown up.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Glitterglitch · 27/08/2024 23:50

@Inlaw how much you live off would be determined by when you inherit though. If I inherited 3m at 55 (average age of inheritance I definitely would be able to not work again…

So I don’t know if you agree with me

You have confused me now!

I didn’t agree with your post that said 2-3 million is not never work again money.

I simply said it could be, that’s all 😆

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:50

Inlaw · 27/08/2024 23:12

What haha 🤣

Im sorry OP this can’t be real.

If this is real then 2-3 million is not never work again money. And anyone who can create that amount of wealth will absolutely not shack up with someone who thinks it is.

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you think so? imagine your annual income is 100k and you are 40 when you split, 3mn would last you till you are 70 approx where by retirement age is 67. And this is just if you spend the money, but you can buy properties, rent them out or invest into bonds, stocks it

In any case this amount is just a guess, I dont know their marital assets

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Thiswayforward · 27/08/2024 23:50

I’m thinking this is quite a tricky conversation to have when you are in the early dating stage. I think you probably need to look at similar values etc. Rather than picking someone based on their job. Surely that could lead to you feeling lonely. Much better to pick a man you have things in common with etc. Many people work part time once they have had children which often gives a good balance.

SquirrelMadness · 27/08/2024 23:51

PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:19

I appreciate your reply, especially as it is coming from a man perspective.
I just want to raise my kids by myself and look after them, after my house and after my husband and of course after myself. This is nowadays seems to be a gold digging.
I think I will do this role better than a nanny, or house keeper or a child minder or what ever. I dont want to be stuck in the office doing meaningless job (and most of office jobs are - just making corporation richer) instead of investing my time into my kids and my family

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Isn't the definition of gold digging something like "entering a relationship for money rather than love"? You seem to be prioritising a partner with money to fund the life you want to live - if money is the most important factor then how is that not gold digging?

I know couples where one parent has stayed at home for early years as childcare made it too expensive to go back to work. But they had to make sacrifices, use savings, live more frugally.

Also, do you really only respect people who are on high incomes? What about nurses (some of them are men!), teachers, paramedics? Our society wouldn't function without them.

Mabelthebore · 27/08/2024 23:51

Frowningprovidence · 27/08/2024 23:25

I'm not negative about sahms at all. But I do think if it's something you value and know it's a priority for yourself, you have to make preparations over a number of years to help make that dream a reality rather than only specifically target rich men as this is more likely to help achieve the thing you want. I mean there's lots of other things that a dad should bring to the table than a wallet. To find a rich man, who wants a sahm, who is also all the other things you need from a father is a gamble and I would be concerned that the op would overlook other important things to stay at home which she might not have overlooked if she had a bigger saving pot.

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Overall just a lot of negativity here.
I completely agree that she should not be seeking out a rich man to be a SAHM.
She needs to find someone she is compatible with, if he is wealthy enough for her to be a SAHM then that is a bonus.
I did not set out to be a SAHM. It just seemed like the best decision for our family at the time.

wrped · 27/08/2024 23:52

Would love this post to be the papers, someone please forward this

OP trying to justify her reasons on mumsnet of all places 😂

Hoursneeded · 27/08/2024 23:53

PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:43

I bring a property in London, a car, two master degrees in STEM, a highly respected professional qualification, good job with good income. Plus I am looking after myself, cooking and eating healthy food, going to gym, swimming pool and yoga regularly. Travel a lot, including long haul, interested and can converse about literature, history, art, theatre, speak 3 languages. (Sounds like a bragging now :))) I bring a lot but also want a lot. And yes have traditional old fashioned values. I guess i would be better off being born in 1950s..
I am not coming from wealthy background and don't have those family links and connections, I am fully self made.
I dont necessarily want to be a trophy wife, just spend time with kids as much as i can while they growing up. Hard to understand for me why it is so bad nowadays, wanting to look after your kids, your husband and your house.

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How does a DC fit into this at all? Are you mortgage free? When you're a SAHM you no longer have a good job with a good income. If you have a difficult pregnancy you may not prioritise eating well or working out. When will you go to the gym when you have a toddler to look after? When will you travel when you have a school aged child? It sounds like you want to be a lady of leisure with your child being cared for by a nanny, not a SAHM.

Proudestmumofone1 · 27/08/2024 23:53

This thread is killing me.
How on earth is this your aspiration and priority over finding someone kind, thoughtful, helpful, emotionally intelligent, good father material etc.
I am married to someone who works in an investment bank (£100k plus) but have forged my own professional career and business earning over £250k a year.
This isn’t for me to have ‘get away’ money, our finances have always been combined (even when I was training and on £15k).
I’ve never looked at my husband as having to provide for me and our daughter - we are in it together.
and of course my priority was the fact he was the kindest, funniest, nicest human who has proved himself to be loyal and strong beyond words when i have faced hugely complex life threatening health issues.
so I’m sorry but get a grip - so much more to husband material than finances.

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:53

Hoursneeded · 27/08/2024 23:17

You say that but you're hoping to find a man that has little time to be 'Dad'. If you really cared about parents being there whilst DC grow you'd look for a partner willing to really commit himself to you and DC, to grow a family as a team.

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I just asekd what my options are if I want to be SAHM?
Is marrying a guy like that is the only way or there are another options?

I see whats happening with my friends who work and so do their husbands. They both dont have time for kids, being very busy with work and kids spend most of the time with nannies. Even I get a husband with demanding job at least I would have time for children.

OP posts:
Inlaw · 27/08/2024 23:54

PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:50

you think so? imagine your annual income is 100k and you are 40 when you split, 3mn would last you till you are 70 approx where by retirement age is 67. And this is just if you spend the money, but you can buy properties, rent them out or invest into bonds, stocks it

In any case this amount is just a guess, I dont know their marital assets

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Your comments exactly why I know so 🤣

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:57

HotCrossBunplease · 27/08/2024 23:17

Are you from the UK OP? Only your English reads as if it is a second language, albeit extremely fluent.

The reason I ask is that you might find that a man who is also not UK born and bred might be more open to a traditional family setup.

I am from continental Europe, being here for many years though :) I am open to men of any nationality, as long as our value align. The same for looks. I dont need tall, dark and handsome. Would really struggle with religious men though as i am an atheist. I am numbers person so writing is not my strength :)

OP posts:
WanOvaryKenobi · 27/08/2024 23:57

PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:43

I bring a property in London, a car, two master degrees in STEM, a highly respected professional qualification, good job with good income. Plus I am looking after myself, cooking and eating healthy food, going to gym, swimming pool and yoga regularly. Travel a lot, including long haul, interested and can converse about literature, history, art, theatre, speak 3 languages. (Sounds like a bragging now :))) I bring a lot but also want a lot. And yes have traditional old fashioned values. I guess i would be better off being born in 1950s..
I am not coming from wealthy background and don't have those family links and connections, I am fully self made.
I dont necessarily want to be a trophy wife, just spend time with kids as much as i can while they growing up. Hard to understand for me why it is so bad nowadays, wanting to look after your kids, your husband and your house.

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Are you desi? Also - very important - how old are you?

Your income means nothing if you intend to stay at home.

Proudestmumofone1 · 27/08/2024 23:58

Oh and to add to my post, being a working mum does not mean you don’t spend time with your kids.
Our financial situation (by me working!) has meant we have a live in nanny housekeeper and my 3 year old only goes to nursery 3 hours a day term time only so I can spend as much time as I can with her during the week as I’m self employed.
it does mean I don’t. Spend my time on mundane tasks of laundry and cleaning as I would prefer to pay for this help and spend that time with my daughter in ‘high quality’ interactions.
hand on heart, my daughter has not missed out on one thing by me not being a SAHM and is growing up to see that women can have successful careers, families and relationships.

your thinking really is totally wrong.

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 28/08/2024 00:00

WanOvaryKenobi · 27/08/2024 23:22

Because you are expecting your entire life to be paid for by a man. Without really stating what you can actually bring to the table. And when you do end up as a single mum we will all be paying your rent.

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I dont rent. And have never been on benefits, so you can sleep still

OP posts:
Original poster
PoliteEagle · 28/08/2024 00:01

Meganssweatycrotch · 27/08/2024 23:22

I did what @Frowningprovidence suggests. Got a passive income and I support myself as a SAHM. Never ever rely on another persons income/generosity. Without bringing anything to the table the balance of power tips and your leave yourself very vulnerable.

Edited

What sort of passive income have you got? If you dont mind me asking?

OP posts:
Original poster
PoliteEagle · 28/08/2024 00:02

CitrusBeanie · 27/08/2024 23:24

Maybe find a less ‘meaningless’ job? Non-office jobs also exist.

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they will not pay my bills

OP posts:
WanOvaryKenobi · 28/08/2024 00:03

PoliteEagle · 28/08/2024 00:00

I dont rent. And have never been on benefits, so you can sleep still

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And if you have a child can you afford it by yourself? If you get sick or break up? If not, you are dependant on the state or a man. And if the man fails for whatever reason we pick up the tab.

Third time, now. How old are you?

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/08/2024 00:06

The most important thing isn't the job he does, it's finding out if he would want to fund a SAHM.

My DH would never agree to fund a SAHM. I'd never want to be one. You need to be on the same page.

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 28/08/2024 00:07

Saschka · 27/08/2024 23:27

I also spend a lot on stuff like overseas travel (go abroad 4 times per year), beauty, gym and other hobbies. If I remove this, I will be living very unhappy life

You realise this is likely to all go out the window when you have children anyway? Regardless of your DH’s income, you won’t have time for all of that.

Look, if you can find a tech billionaire to marry, good on you. If you end up with Andy the perfectly nice actuary for Aviva, living in Burgess Hill, you’ll need to decide then whether you want to be a SAHM and forego your holidays and Botox, or keep working and still afford the gym membership.

Make a decision about it when you actually find somebody to marry you. planning your married life now when you aren’t even seeing anyone is like me planning my future renovations for the new Omaze house. Fun but pointless.

I dont do Botox, just manicure and hair colouring.
Yes i get it that some of it will go out of the window, but then I will have a family instead. If I remove all of this now I will have only work, so it will be terrible...
I just started using dating apps, plus getting some men secretly looking at me in the gym, but i am not sure if gym is a good place to find a date.
Have a date pencilled in with a guy from Europe as well, he seems to share similar interests and hobbies, whether we share similar values is another question, I think should take a couple of dates to find out

OP posts:
EdithBond · 28/08/2024 00:09

As a child of a SAHM, whose whole life’s been affected by it, my advice is don’t get screwed.

The way to make your own choices as a woman and a mother is financial independence.

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 28/08/2024 00:09

Winrus · 27/08/2024 23:28

If your post is legit without being harsh you sound a bit naive.

If you meet said rich man, hit it off and he pops the question, what happens if he’s infertile? Are you going to make him do a sperm count before marrying him?

Hopefully that won’t happen I’m sure it won’t, but what if it does or it takes years to conceive?

What if he loses his job and you have to work?

If you have a baby, how are you going to maintain the tidy house you like, cook meals, get up in the middle of the night as befitting your gender stereotypical idea of a sahm and still look immaculate each morning? Or will you have a Nanny?

What if you get postnatal depression or you just hate being a stay at home mum!

Life can throw you a million curve balls which is why marrying for love is best. Filter the dating pool by all means but if you don’t love your dh and / or he just sees you as a trophy wife then when the chips are down you won’t have the support you need.

I think a bit of self reflection and growth is needed before you’re ready to get into a more serious relationship again.

Of course I want to love him as well and not to be seen just as trophy wife.
Everything can happen in life. Today you are alive tomorrow you can be not...
Thats why i created this post, to take other people perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoliteEagle · 28/08/2024 00:13

HotCrossBunplease · 27/08/2024 23:34

Yet you don’t think that a man would struggle to respect you, if you earn less than him?

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No, men normally are fine dating down. They complain more about their wives getting fat rather than earning less than them... They are visual

OP posts: