Co parenting with a difficult ex

[Immy1]

My children are about to spend a week (from Monday) with their other parent, for the second time.
Ive just received a text to say
“Just a heads up, that I don’t have any clothes for the children, and am unlikely to have any until I go back to work. So, what ever they come in is all I’m going to have for them. Your call on what you want to do with that info.
either way, i’m looking forward to having them”

I made it clear after the 1st week (4 months ago) that they need to provide clothing. I will not be sending the children with suitcases again.
I also reminded them a few weeks ago that they needed to get the children some clothes.

they stay overnight with their other parent every weekend, so it’s not like they won’t regularly be needing clothing and other provisions.

I feel like I’m being manipulated here, and it’s making me cross!

half of me is thinking that if they can’t provide for them, then they shouldnt be having them. — but my children are looking forward to it.

the other half of me is thinking that I should just send the children as they are and that the consequences are their problem.— but I’m feeling that isn’t very fair to my children.

what would you do in this situation?

oh and the not having a job right now is because they quit their job 2 months ago and has no interest in getting another one.

How old are the children in this situation ..

yes he is been manipulative - it’s a very difficult situation though . What would he do if you don’t send any ?

what happens on the weekends ?

They are 5 and 7.

every other week I send a single change of clothes with the children usually because every other week they are in school uniform which became habit.

i know there is at least 1 set of clothes each for them there, so I guess it means they would have to do laundry every day.

but I’m honestly not sure if they would or not.

Honestly the dc won't care if they wear the same clothes. Anything decent I sent to ex with my dc got sold. I sent them back in pj's every time. He cam wash their stuff op. A judge would expect him to provide for his dc when in his care.

I'm going back many years now. When I was with my ex-partner, his two sons used to spend EOW and some holidays with their Mum. The boys lived full-time with their Dad and I. I used to pack a bag of clothes etc, every time they stayed EOW and more if they stayed in the holidays. Their Mum barely had any clothes for them at her house, and wasn't likely to buy any either. I just packed a bag for them, because in the long run, I knew they'd be the ones to suffer.

This is what I’m thinking, it’s the children that suffer in the long run.

Im just cross, because I’ve made my boundaries clear and they still just keep pushing them.

the children also stay 1 night a week every week, and have done for over a year now. They have had birthdays and christmas in that time where clothing could have been asked for as gifts from their family, I even offered that as a suggestion once they started staying overnight.

Sad as you feel for your children, this will never stop if you keep covering for their other parent.
ask yourself if you would behave in the same way as their other parent? And if you wouldn't, then why would you tolerate this?

Send them in the clothes they have on. The children won’t care. Don’t play this game. You are not responsible for the children when they are not with you.

He is not co parenting, if he was he would provide things. To me that's a joint arrangement. Perhaps that's being from Scotland, you have residence he has contact.

Does he pay maintenance?

If he cannot afford to clothe them can he afford to feed them?

Worst one I had was an(unemployed) father in legal aid screaming at me to buy a swimsuit for his daughter because the mother would not.

I did, because the child suffers.

In your scenario I would as a mother, and not as a solicitor, be sending basic, older clothing.

But you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Just remembered another one, stripping the child, in the car and handing back to the mother naked. Because he hadn't done washing and his mum had bought new outfits he wanted to keep

When you go on holiday you take your own clothes with you. Why don’t you send a bag and then don’t accept an empty bag on return. Poor dc! This argument is hardly for their benefit is it?

Clothing isn’t much of a gift for the children, though. So I get why they didn’t get clothes for that. If anything your ex should have been asking for clothes or money to buy them for the DCs.

My ex was the same and there was no child maintenance either. I always sent them with clothes and he still used to complain.

If it were me, I'd have a little suitcase each full of all their lovely things.... I just couldn't bare for my children to go without just because I wanted to prove a point. I know it's 💩 but you've got to rise above it and think of them and not him.

Trust me, they'll grow up and realise how piss poor their father is x

I think in your shoes I wouldn't send them tbh. If he can't meet their basic needs then he can't have them, IMO. When he's willing to provide the basics like clothes for his children, he'll be in a position to care for them again. I think you need to have boundaries when you're dealing with someone like this. He's had ample opportunity to find clothes for them. He could buy from charity shops or ask for help from local community groups if he's genuinely desperate. My money is on the fact he's not desperate, just can't be bothered. The blasé and arrogant tone of his message gives that away.

That said, you probably need to seek legal advice if you're stopping contact, even temporarily.

Can the other parent not wash their clothes at night whilst they sleep if they haven't purchased anymore clothes

I would send one change of clothes. He can wash them every other day.

Not really going on holiday though. They are going to their other parent who should have provisions for them

You don't need to try to keep the sex of the 'parent' secret, it's painfully obvious it's a deadbeat man. Not a co parent, just a failure.

Seems to be 50/50ish response on whether I send them as they are or suck it up and send them with clothes.

my bigger problem is if I give in then it just won’t end.

You know that if you provide for the kids now you will always have to.
send them with 1 change of clothes and he can wash them or not.

even if you sent 7 changes of clothes it won’t mean they are worn or washed.

you are not his parent so stop parenting him, if he can’t provide basics like clothes then don’t send them and explain why!

can he feed them? Do you send snacks?

send toiletries eg nappies if required, toothbrush

remind him by message that he is required to clothe them while in his care. Then disengage.

Grrr
"It's your call"
Makes my blood boil just hearing it. No, mate, it's YOUR call...
I sent a basic set of clothes when they were little (with gritted teeth) then sent less when they were able.to say - where's my PJ's dad???

Just send them with some clothes. As the judge said to my sd mum in family court, they're not your clothes they're the dc's

Send them with their rough and tumble stuff. Stuff you use for muddy walls or stuff they're starting to outgrow. That way you're doing right by the kids but its stuff you don't mind if he keeps or stains as its on the way out anyway

Also you've got him out so you're doing a lot better than some of us

I think I’d say “oh okay, I guess I’ll have to collect them after 24 hours if you’re not prepared to provide their basic needs of clean clothing. That’s a shame, they were looking forward to seeing you but I understand if that’s not possible for you right now.”

I’m quite passive aggressive. I wouldn’t allow my dc not to have clean clothes but the other parent’s refusal to take responsibility is totally on them not you.

I find it really hard to understand when you're talking about your kids as they and your ex as they

Is your ex gender neutral? I don't think stating it's a man or woman would be outing!