Co parenting with a difficult ex

[Immy1]

My children are about to spend a week (from Monday) with their other parent, for the second time.
Ive just received a text to say
“Just a heads up, that I don’t have any clothes for the children, and am unlikely to have any until I go back to work. So, what ever they come in is all I’m going to have for them. Your call on what you want to do with that info.
either way, i’m looking forward to having them”

I made it clear after the 1st week (4 months ago) that they need to provide clothing. I will not be sending the children with suitcases again.
I also reminded them a few weeks ago that they needed to get the children some clothes.

they stay overnight with their other parent every weekend, so it’s not like they won’t regularly be needing clothing and other provisions.

I feel like I’m being manipulated here, and it’s making me cross!

half of me is thinking that if they can’t provide for them, then they shouldnt be having them. — but my children are looking forward to it.

the other half of me is thinking that I should just send the children as they are and that the consequences are their problem.— but I’m feeling that isn’t very fair to my children.

what would you do in this situation?

oh and the not having a job right now is because they quit their job 2 months ago and has no interest in getting another one.

I have an ex who is similar, and even worse a very high earner who would never return clothes if I sent them, then I'd have to replace.

I'd either send them in old clothes or simply reply saying that that you don't consider this problem to be yours & it's his to sort.

Manipulative fucker. Tell him you are sending them in the clothes they are wearing and he can either hand wash them every day or buy them clothes. And he can do what he wants with that information.

I’ve just gone through my childrens drawers and they are missing at least 3 sets of clothes. So he (yes I see you all guessed) definitely has clothing there for them.

I believe now this is just a manipulation tactic based on the fact I refused to send the children’s swimwear with them 2 weeks ago. I told him it’s not my responsibility to provide suitable clothing for activity’s he was planning with the children during his time with them. He said it was clothing not sports equipment, so I reminded him (again) that I wasn’t obligated to provide that either.

I was never bothered about sending a set of clothes, after all they are the children’s not mine. I just don’t feel like I should be packing for them like I’m sending them off to childcare or a friends house. and I told him as much during Easter half term.

His initial problem with buying clothes is that the clothes he buys would end up at my house. Presumably he was concerned that I was going to wear them myself 🙄

I’ve decided not to pack anything for the children tomorrow except their raincoats.

I don’t respond to his texts anymore, so I guess I’ll have the face to face argument with him tomorrow.

@Immy1 To me, you are coming across as being unkind to your DC! You have swimwear but you didn’t send it because dad wanted to take them swimming and he needed to provide the clothes!! How utterly silly. Just think of dc. Why not send it? Did you successfully stop them swimming? That isn’t thinking of them. Put them first and stop being childish.

You're right, it won't.

I'm also dealing with a manipulative ex-partner who - fortunately - doesn't put our children in the middle. But I completely recognise this type of message: throwing a spanner in the works, and throwing the responsibility to you to solve. "Up to you..." Holy moly, the nerve!

Then again, since it is "up to you" what you do with the info he's provided, I'd go with what an earlier poster said: tell him that if he hasn't got clothes for the kids, they can't stay with him.

If he wants to parent, he needs to provide. Period. It's his problem to solve. Not yours.

He'll stamp and huff and probably start yelling about parental alienation, denying his right to see his children, yada yada... but the children's rights come first. And that includes having clean, suitable clothes. Which they have at your house. Apparently, not at his.

He's actually been quite dumb to admit in writing that he's not prepared adequately to have the children to stay.

It's going to be hard disappointing the children, and I bet he's banking on that, but it just comes down to, "Sorry, Dad's just not set up to have you over this week, even though he was really hoping to be and looking forward to seeing you."

This is about control. If you decide to hold this boundary and not let him control you, prepare for an escalation from him. Are you safe?

i used to send everything, right down to toothbrushes and shower gel. ex just took the piss more and more so i stopped and sent the bare minimum. i've just let him know that i'm no longer sending outdoor kit for camping. it comes back trashed and soaking and i usually get a 'to pack list' 11pm the night before the trip that i knew nothing about. that's just about control not incompetence. i used to wash and return any clothes they came home in and have done for 6 years. but he strayed slipping extra dirty washing in their bags including his socks! so now i've said i'll bag up any dirty washing and return it on next handover for him to wash himself. i've always tried to not let the children be aware of any disputes but they are old enough now to recognise if anything is missing that dad hadn't sorted. i'm responsible for their time with me. i get zero maintenance. boundaries do matter.

I respectfully disagree. This is an abusive ex-partner who recognises he can continue to get his children's mother to dance to his tune by fabricating difficulties under the guise of co-parenting. It is a long, hard, stressful road, and I genuinely respect OP for recognising that this is what's going on so early in the day.

This is ongoing covert domestic abuse, but I do understand if others cannot see this. It's covert, subtle, and so difficult to see for what it is, even when you're in the thick of it. If it wasn't the kids' clothes, it would be something else. Trust me. I've been in it for almost a year.

But to be clear - any unkindness towards the DC originates with the father. Not the mother.

No, I didn’t stop them from playing in the paddling pool his mother brought them.

the swimwear I have for them is for their swimming lessons, if I had spare sets then I might have sent them - I’m not sure honestly. I can’t swim which is why the children have lessons twice a week - to play and learn.
their dad wouldn’t take both of them swimming at the same time so I knew it wasn’t a swimming pool.

in fact he refused to even bath them until he had no choice when I wasn’t there to do it after I asked him to leave.

I would have a job lot of cheap t-shirts printed with "Mum is a super-star" and send the kids in those.

Just seen this amazing.

I'd be tempted to reply abd say thanks for the message I know the kids will be disappointed you decided not to get things sorted for them coming. Are you still taken them for one day or do you want to leave it t9 x date to allow you to get some things sorted for them?

The other thing you could do would be to buy plain t-shirts/tops/shorts (white/coloured) and some markers and introduce your kids to graffiti art. I actually did this with my DC the other day - obviously not in the context of clothing going to dad's, just as a holiday activity - and they loved designing their own clothes. So something fun for you and them, and the ex will have to take the kids out in their own "creations" unless he gets his act together.

I had ex stripping dc in the car and walking them to the door in their underwear mid winter. I caved. Just buy cheap spares and be done with it!

But if he doesn’t return the swimwear then the OP has for pay for more and why should she?

Don't send the children to him.

"Thank you for letting me know you are unable to meet the DCs basic needs while with you. If you can't afford a couple of quid for some shorts and tshirts, you must also be unable to afford to feed them. Such a shame as the kids were really looking forward to it, but obviously I can't send them anywhere they're not being looked after, nor do I want to put you in any more desperate of a situation than you are trying. Here is a link to the location of your nearest foodbank. If you want to see them for an afternoon or something let me know and we'll try arrange it".

"Thank you for telling me how desperate things have become for you money-wise. That must have been really hard. Of course I don't want to send the children and put any more financial pressure on your budget. Here is local food bank link. Let me know if you want to take kids for an afternoon to do something free."

Basically latch into the back at work comment and lay it on THICK. How proud you are of him for swallowing his pride and admitting how much he struggles, link him to local food bank. Tell him you'll speak to mutual friends about how bad it is and see if they have job going. Clothes may well magically appear. Don't send them unless he has clothes.

I believe now this is just a manipulation tactic based on the fact I refused to send the children’s swimwear with them 2 weeks ago

@Immy1 your children are young. You have years ahead of this shenanigans so it's good that you've identified your ex is being manipulative. He will find any and every excuse possible to push your red buttons if you let him.

think of it like this, if your ex disappeared off the scene and never contributed another penny towards the children you'd have to pay for all their clothes. Presumably you get the child benefit payments for the children? If so, some of that money can be used for their clothes. Keep control, don't allow your ex to control you.

if it means you having to pack clothing for them, do it for them, not for him. You're not doing the favour for him, you're doing right by your children.

Don't enter into any further discussion on the subject so it stops him being able to do the exact opposite of what you want - if he knows it won't create a reaction, he'll soon realise he's pushing on an open door and eventually if he has more than one braincell, he'll get bored.

If this is not court ordered contact, I would do as others have suggested, point him to a food bank and tell him the DC will stay with you until he can clothe them.

If he disappeared she'd also have to keep them every night. So why not say no long stays until he can adequately provide what the kids need?

No clothes? Oh dear, guess you'll have to drop them back then. If he wants to keep them longer he'll have to buy them.

But if he doesn’t return the swimwear then the OP has for pay for more and why should she?

that's exactly the kind of warped logic the ex is banking on. It's an idiotic old-as-the-hills manipulative tactic used by twatish exes (male and female) to wind the other person up. The OP has the choice of how she wishes to respond to it, either by ignoring or by rising to the bait.

yes it might mean the swimwear sits round at the father's house, but next year the clothes will be too small anyway. And those children will grow and mature, and then say to their father. "Dad, I've got my costume/trunks here, and I want to go swimming with my friend, so I'm wearing it." They aren't children for very long in the grand scheme of life, they're perceptive, they'll figure it out for themselves. and they'll become the harshest critics of the parent who behaves badly,

I know you shouldn’t have to, but I’m thinking about working with what you have as he’s not going to change is he. You can’t have kids that don’t get clothing even if it his his responsibility.
I would go though their stuff, pick out some bits that you won’t miss and aren’t worthwhile him selling. Tell him that those are the bits that stay at his house from now on. He can’t complain that he can’t afford anything and will now be responsible for washing rather that you.
Sorry he’s being such an arsehole.

The OP said further up the thread that the children have regular swimming lessons, so they do use them frequently. In these high cost of living times, it’s unreasonable to expect the OP to write off the cost of having to replace the clothing every time they go there because the ex partner either can’t be bothered or is vindictive in not returning them.

This is awful.

OP I think given your ex is abusive I would just send one spare top and bottom so you know they won't be filthy. As they get older they'll be more aware so you could stop sending anything from about 10 and they'll start asking him why he doesn't have any clothes for them like you do. This won't be your life forever.

Alternatively I wouldn't send them. Clothing is basic needs and I would say if you're not prepared to meet their basic needs they're not coming.

I'm grey rock with my ex, but then my kids also don't spend much time with him (2 overnights in 3 years), and they're older.

Do the kids enjoy their time there? Will they be disappointed if they can't go? Do you need them to go so you can do something yourself?

'Your call on what you want to do with that info'

Well, as a mother, if my kids only had one set of clothes, they'd wear my t-shirt to bed while I washed them overnight, but we both know he won't do that.

What you can do with that info is as Wedding says (although I'd keep it straight to the point) - If you are unable to adequately care for the children during their time with you, please cancel the visit and re-arrange for when you will be able to provide for them.

Nothing more, nothing less, ball firmly in his court with no insults or insinuations, nothing bad to point to, happy to re-arrange/take care of the kids if he's saying he cant.