Co parenting with a difficult ex

[Immy1]

My children are about to spend a week (from Monday) with their other parent, for the second time.
Ive just received a text to say
“Just a heads up, that I don’t have any clothes for the children, and am unlikely to have any until I go back to work. So, what ever they come in is all I’m going to have for them. Your call on what you want to do with that info.
either way, i’m looking forward to having them”

I made it clear after the 1st week (4 months ago) that they need to provide clothing. I will not be sending the children with suitcases again.
I also reminded them a few weeks ago that they needed to get the children some clothes.

they stay overnight with their other parent every weekend, so it’s not like they won’t regularly be needing clothing and other provisions.

I feel like I’m being manipulated here, and it’s making me cross!

half of me is thinking that if they can’t provide for them, then they shouldnt be having them. — but my children are looking forward to it.

the other half of me is thinking that I should just send the children as they are and that the consequences are their problem.— but I’m feeling that isn’t very fair to my children.

what would you do in this situation?

oh and the not having a job right now is because they quit their job 2 months ago and has no interest in getting another one.

I have read all your posts here OP but this one stands out.

What can you do for you this week.

Where are your team? It's posts like this that make me wish I didn't give up work and this help you.

The English system I only know about from Mumsnet but the Scottish I worked for twenty odd years and I would love to have helped you.

Reach out. Find organisations for women around you. Domestic abuse can continue in many forms post separation. Surround yourself with likeminded women here and in real life.
Practice the reverse friend scenario. What would you say to a friend who told you the story you have told?

Think about what I said last post. Is this contact of benefit to the children. Can he feed and care for them?

Sitting back, calming down. What is his worst card. If you stop contact will he take you to court? What is he going to pay for that and ask for.

Can you access counselling?

But the ex is not going to comply with that! There's no way the OP can control his twattish behaviour, so she has to control her response to it. He will deliberately do this shit to wind her up, so what I suggested is perfectly reasonable.

She doesn't send swimming gear round there because it will never come back.

she does keep swimming gear at home for when the children are with her and have regular swimming lessons. As I said before it isn't difficult.

She just has to not respond to him, give up trying to make him do the right thing by his children because he won't, and get on with living her life with the children while they're in residence with her. that isn't misogynistic, it's good sense.

I’m at work all this week, but I enjoyed a girly shopping day with my teenagers today.

I’ve been in counselling for about 7 months now, I am healing. It’s just taking much longer than I thought it would. And I think my ex knows when I’m doing better as he always finds a way to make me question myself.

My ex is an absolute rubbish parent, but he only has them for a week twice a year. Other than that it is ALT Friday afternoon-Saturday morning then saturday morning - Sunday evening. He does feed them, not healthily, but fed. I know he rarely does anything nice with them, he took them to the zoo once, but I think that was because he was living with his mum and he was pretending to be a good parent.

I don’t think they come to any physical harm beyond the normal scraped knees and bumps and knocks of being boys. So I’m not sure it would benefit them to stop contact before they decide themselves - like their (half)sister did.

I did stop contact before just after we separated and he took me to mediation. He refused to sit in the same room as me, and then would only talk to the mediator about what a court would order so that’s all she was able to discuss with me for 6 weeks. By the time he was willing to talk about actually setting a contact agreement up I was so worn down by all the legal jargon I just agreed to what he wanted.

so I imagine if I stopped contact I would end up going through that again.

im ok though, I’m grey rocking through it, I think I’ve just hit the hard bit where he’s trying to force a reaction out of me.

I do appreciate your concern though, it’s very nice of you. I don’t have any close friends or even family anymore.
so thank you for making me feel seen

Ah @Immy1 the more you post the more I feel for you and feel for your DCs. I’m sorry for what I said up thread about clothes not being a present - I think I wasn’t really understanding the situation and I apologise for that. You sound like a fantastic mother who is advocating for her children in the face of really difficult circumstances and a cock of an ex. You’re amazing. And one day your children will be old enough to bin your tragedy of an ex. Just hold on. It comes faster than you can imagine when you’re in the throes of it. And if anonymous posters on MN can be a support until then, we’ll try to be that and not be dicks. People say here is a nest of vipers but they are amazingly kind and supportive vipers and they got me through so much - the vipers will be here for you.

My DC dad .. kicked off coz I refused to let our child sleep in a working garage as he refused to get a flat to have child over night.. ( has own business and makes loads of money ) the beginning of march he got a live in camper van and told me he was taking DC off me every weekend .. I agreed to every other weekend .. to start asap .. he said no wait til April .. I reminded him again about this a few days ago and his response was ok point being!! He hasn’t had her for sleep overs etc see her for two hours in the week and on Sundays .. my poor DC is only five and sees her other family member go to her dads every weekend and sleep overs in the week and it’s really playing on her .. but he won’t step up or communicate or give dates when he is having her .. told her months ago they where going on all these holidays yet hasn’t bothered .. how do I help her understand what’s happening.. most of the time she refusing to talk over the phone .. its heart breaking .. its not about me and what I want it’s about her wanting time with her dad but feel he thinks I just want time off to do things for my self