Co parenting with a difficult ex

[Immy1]

My children are about to spend a week (from Monday) with their other parent, for the second time.
Ive just received a text to say
“Just a heads up, that I don’t have any clothes for the children, and am unlikely to have any until I go back to work. So, what ever they come in is all I’m going to have for them. Your call on what you want to do with that info.
either way, i’m looking forward to having them”

I made it clear after the 1st week (4 months ago) that they need to provide clothing. I will not be sending the children with suitcases again.
I also reminded them a few weeks ago that they needed to get the children some clothes.

they stay overnight with their other parent every weekend, so it’s not like they won’t regularly be needing clothing and other provisions.

I feel like I’m being manipulated here, and it’s making me cross!

half of me is thinking that if they can’t provide for them, then they shouldnt be having them. — but my children are looking forward to it.

the other half of me is thinking that I should just send the children as they are and that the consequences are their problem.— but I’m feeling that isn’t very fair to my children.

what would you do in this situation?

oh and the not having a job right now is because they quit their job 2 months ago and has no interest in getting another one.

You don't stop meeting their needs when they are staying at the other parent's house. Especially knowing the other parent is shit, because they actually need you more than ever when they are there.

If he is not able to parent his children, then he shouldn't have them. If he can't provide them with clean clothes, a very minor thing, then what else isn't he doing for them that is more serious?

By enabling him, you're preventing him from learning how to look after his own children. You're making sure that when something bad happens, it's really bad (rather than just not having clean pants). He either needs to step up and parent, or he needs to realise he can't, and stop taking them for so long.

Of course they are old enough to see that mum is the one that’s packed everything they need and dad has done nothing. Time and time again.

And if he’s so manipulative and abusive that OP refusing to send stuff means he doesn’t immediately go out and buy basic things his children needs then I would be going to the courts. This isn’t a man that children need to be around.

@Island2513

And the children will see that their dad is crap and their mum is the one that was always there for them.

I just couldn't be arsed making a point to the shit ex. I'd rather just know my kids have what they need regardless of who provided it and they can enjoy the portion of their life they spend with their dad without worrying if they will be clean or not.

The older they get they will know where and who 'home' is.

At the end of the day this is their lives, they are living it. It's so shit for kids with two homes feeling lost and not having what you need at one of them. They will remember mum not letting them take clean clothes or their coat because that's a mums house item. It's their belongings.

Family court just doesn’t care when children are being neglected like this unfortunately. And the primary parent will be the one hauled over hot coals for refusing contact.

I’ve had to provide the clothes for over a decade, just send primark/more recently vented stuff and don’t get it back until it’s too small.

The thing is when you don't send clothes and the other parent does actually have clothes it means that your children will go on the clothes they are wearing then wear the clothes at the other parents house that the other parent has for them but then have to put the outfit they originally wore back on to come back to you in. To be honest it makes sense to pack clothes and the children get a choice what they want to take especially if they join in on the packing. Can actually be a good bonding activity for you and shows your children you're excited for them to have time with the other parent.

And that's why you don't refuse contact. Contact happens, he looks after them to the best of his ability without you artificially boosting it.

If I always tell my child when to change gear when he's learning to drive, sure, he's got the achievement of driving, but he can't really drive, he doesn't really have the full skill, and he won't know what to do on a steep hill, and he shouldn't be driving alone because he's incapable.

Similarly, if the parent can't parent, they shouldn't be parenting - and we shouldn't be pretending to anyone that they can't - it's not fair on the children to give them to a parent who can't look after them. After a certain amount of time, either the non-parenting parent will step up, they will stop even attempting to look after the children, or you will have evidence for the court to reduce it legally yourself. Propping them up just extends the neglect.

I think my biggest peeve - and I might be being unreasonable -
is that he legally has the exact parental responsibilities as I do, so why is he allowed to have parental expectations of me that he doesn’t uphold himself?

I work full time, I pay the extortionate childcare fees, and extra curricular activity costs. I buy their school uniform, coats and shoes. I make and take them to appointments often having unpaid time off work to do so. Also all the work days I miss due to them being ill.

I do the homework and the parents evenings and attend as many school events as is possible and if not possible my older daughter goes in my place because he is always ‘busy’.

we are 2 seperate parents, I believe it’s reasonable for me to expect the children to be receiving 200% parenting. I’m giving my 100%, but what is he giving?

more often than not my children say they had a ‘lazy day’ At dads.

at the end of the day, I just don’t want to be packing for the children to spend time with their other parent. I just want to send them knowing he will provide for them the same as he expects me too.

he quit his job (because him and his boss broke up) so I get no financial help from him. He is more than capable of working, he just doesn’t want too. He’s also refused to have the children any extra whilst he’s not working.
I also know he does have money, because he was telling me all about his new 3D printer he brought a couple of weeks ago.

I asked him if it could print school uniform? And he shut up 🙄

Exactly - I have no spare capacity to do my ex's parenting too. I do everything for them (since he has no overnights, and barely sees them a couple of days a month). I simply don't have time to sort out any packing demands he has too. He needs to deal with that himself, with all the time he has.

If the only way he'll see them is if I perform a load of admin for him, then frankly, it's easier for me that he doesn't see them (and the kids don't care - mine are older and get bored of just sitting in his house doing nothing, they'd prefer to be home if that's all that's happening)

@CleftChin I get what you’re saying but the standards for non resident parents (typically fathers) need to meet are so low, they’re in hell.

Drug/alcohol addicted fathers still get contact, the judge won’t care that Grant left his kids in the same underwear for 3 days straight!

You made the right call OP.

He can machine wash or hand wash their clothes every night and get them dry by the morning &/or use the spare sets of clothes he has taken from you previously and kept.

If he gets bored of all the washing it may encourage him to buy his own children some suitable clothing.

This a controlling and abusive technique that he is wielding to keep you as his subordinate. He has created a rod for his own back and now has a problem of his own creation to resolve.

Yes - and spreading your resources even thinner, so these bare-minimum dads can do even less doesn't help the children. Superficially, sure, now they have clean clothes - but they're still there with a neglectful father for a week.

In my opinion, contact with a father like that is better curtailed as soon as feasible - whether that's because he finds it too much effort because you won't enable him, or because the children get old enough to say they don't want to go, or because you can persuade a judge that what he's doing does fall below that low bar.

Apart from the danger, it's a terrible example to set to your children. Contact at all costs (to them, and the resident parent) makes this behaviour seem acceptable.

If you haven’t done the Freedom Programme do it, and if you have do it again! You can work towards getting him out of your head as well as your house.

Well done for not being manipulated again. As you know appeasement doesn’t work. KOKO.

I just had to comment here. I’m in the exact same predicament. My child has been going to their father’s place for 4 years now and I’ve always provided a case well packed. 2 outfits all neat and folded, socks, pants, PJs, toys, you name it. The one weekend he had him, he didn’t pay me maintenance so I said, with the money you were supposed to give me, get our child some clothes please. So I sent him with what he had on only. Anyway! The next month, he docked the maintenance by £40 as I didn’t provide clothes for the one weekend. I honestly could not catch my breath. The absolute audacity. We’ve sorted it all out now, but honestly, I hear you 💕

Edited to add: the case always comes home light. Missing branded items that weren’t cheap, so I know he at least has those there. There’s something missing everytime so I have to ask and ask for it to be bought home. So frustrating I could cry.

I'm with you on this.

I've been in a similar situation although my kids were older (15,13 & 11), which makes clothes buying more expensive.

Kids moved in with me 6 years ago. Before that I paid £600pm maintenance, as well as paying for a summer holiday every year & half towards school uniforms & trips. After they moved in ex went off sick (legit) and hasn't worked since. I've not received any money off her at all in the last 6 years & only contribution she has made is giving them €100 spending money when they went away on school trips.

And she has had them overnight twice in all that time. Both times at xmas. I've done 100% of parenting, running a house as well as working 5 days a week. Just glad they are now older. Eldest is 21 & middle one now at Uni.

Christ, OP, he's a lazy useless toad. Don't send clothes. If he can afford a 3D printer (what for?!) he can afford clothes. And no maintenance! What a selfish cock.

You are doing all the parenting here. He's like an uncle who occasionally babysits 🙄

Print a school uniform - well done op, that response is inspired

As for what you sent them with, well done again. It's not your responsibility to clothe the children, as you said previously, he has equal parental responsibility for his children so should have spare clothes for them.

It's mega frustrating parenting with people like your ex, they think they are punishing you, but in reality it's your dc they impact. My friend had a similar experience and she would return the dc in clothes that were too small, old school uniforms and keep all the new stuff. At one point my friend calculated that she must have somewhere in the region of 10/15 sets of uniforms. His dc are older now and have opinions so it's harder for her to do these things. Things do get better so hang in there op.

Yup

It's not your fault or problem if he won't dress them.
I would write back and say 'are you saying you won't be able to meet their basic needs to be clothed in clean clothes while there? If not they will need to stay behind? Otherwise sounds like you're all going to go on a shopping trip!'

'No it's up to you'

Great idea!

My now ex has twins with his first wife. They live 400 miles away, so used to come down for a couple of weeks at a time in the holidays, rather than the EOW norm. Anyway before I was involved he had them to stay, and sent them back with a bag full of dirty clothes. When she complained about this he told her he was so busy looking after the kids he couldn't possibly have done the washing too!! Quite understandably she told him to do one, and could clothe them himself from now onwards. Much shock, horror and complaints about the amount of maintenance he paid followed. This pretty much summed him up as a husband too, but being young and naive I missed the giant red flag until it was too late.
I wouldn't send send the clothes.

My ex’s ex warned me, but I too brushed off the red flags.
now I’m so damaged I literally cant even consider another relationship. I’ll happily be single for ever.
I never sent the clothes.

Op don't let him ruin your chances at finding love! They're not all that bad (but a lot are so be boundaried as hell) x