Co parenting with a difficult ex

[Immy1]

My children are about to spend a week (from Monday) with their other parent, for the second time.
Ive just received a text to say
“Just a heads up, that I don’t have any clothes for the children, and am unlikely to have any until I go back to work. So, what ever they come in is all I’m going to have for them. Your call on what you want to do with that info.
either way, i’m looking forward to having them”

I made it clear after the 1st week (4 months ago) that they need to provide clothing. I will not be sending the children with suitcases again.
I also reminded them a few weeks ago that they needed to get the children some clothes.

they stay overnight with their other parent every weekend, so it’s not like they won’t regularly be needing clothing and other provisions.

I feel like I’m being manipulated here, and it’s making me cross!

half of me is thinking that if they can’t provide for them, then they shouldnt be having them. — but my children are looking forward to it.

the other half of me is thinking that I should just send the children as they are and that the consequences are their problem.— but I’m feeling that isn’t very fair to my children.

what would you do in this situation?

oh and the not having a job right now is because they quit their job 2 months ago and has no interest in getting another one.

Note - make sure that it's not you cancelling the contact, but him. So it's not that you won't send them, but that he has to make the decision not to take them as he can't look after them.

Do not engage further, and do not accept a re-arrangement that isn't convenient to you, as you are the one doing him a favour here.

I send mine with a suitcase full of clean clothes, shoes, wellies, toothbrushes (and toothpaste) swimwear, plus their devices and chargers. Basically everything they need, ex only has to add food.

My ex is absolutely useless. Half of the clothes come back clean as he doesn't even put them in clean clothes every day. He wasn't brushing their teeth at first until I kicked off massively about it.

It's shit and I hate how useless he is but the dc enjoy going there. I am very strict about returning all of their stuff though and will open the bag and check it at pick up. It's exhausting having to constantly fight a grown adult that's behaving like a twat so you have my sympathies op.

Just dropped the children off with raincoats and spare pants in their bag.

I figure if he takes them anywhere and they are grubby that is his problem. They are boys and are filthy within minutes of waking up most days anyways 🤷‍♀️
They have clean pants which is the important thing, and he definitely has a few changes of clothes based on what I don’t have.

I hate that after 1.5 years he still manages to twist narratives to make me look like the bad person. Like he doesn’t lie, but he’s dishonest… does that make any sense? I spent 7 years feeling like I was crazy and I spent 4 of those years trying to leave him. I really thought when I eventually left him the crazy would stop.

I think that was the right decision - like they say - drop the reins.

My boys certainly wouldn't think too hard about wearing the same clothes for a few days (the youngest would even be easy going on pants :( )

Grey Rock saved my sanity. Just completely disengaged. He is not my monkey and not my circus any more.

This.

I know its painful but you have to do it for your kids. Dont use them as pawns and don't curtail their time with their dad (seeing as you said they enjoy being there) just because they have to take a few sets of clothes each. I expect they'd see it like a mini holiday each having a small suitcase/rucksack with them.

Put your differences with your ex to one side. Make sure your kids dont get involved with your spats with him & let them enjoy time with him.....even if it means buying some extra clothes for them to take.

He's an arsehole.....but that not their fault.

What if the OP can't afford to keep replacing the clothes, though?

Does she just cancel their swimming lessons because their dad 'lost' their swim stuff and so they have no swimming kit for with her?

I’d send one change of clothes and some laundry powder to make a point.

Put your differences with your ex to one side. Make sure your kids dont get involved with your spats with him & let them enjoy time with him.....even if it means buying some extra clothes for them to take.

She's not the one doing that though - he is.

She did the mature thing - disconnected, sent them with the basics and left him to adult himself. The kids won't suffer for having dirty clothes for a few days.

If she'd sent them with a full suitcase she would have been continuing the 'spat' (as you put it - even though it's entirely one-sided). Complete disengagement from him is the only way to deal with that - just like you would ignore a toddler tantrum.

Indulging the behaviour only encourages it. (yes, just like children) - you have to set your boundaries and enforce them (just like with children) or your boundaries will not be respected, and the behaviour will degenerate (just like children)

Well done OP. Stay firm.

If the dad only usually sees them one night a week he wouldn't really have a weeks worth of clothes on hand usually? Not saying he shouldn't!!

I'd send them with a few changes of basic TShirts, underwear and trousers. I'd also take a note of the message, list what I sent in the bag... is there is a court ordered thing id feedback that other parent is unable to provide adequate clothing. Id reply asking if they are going to be able to afford to feed and entertain the kids for the week since they cannot clothe them, this is a basic human requirement and they are failing. (Do with that as you will)

Shame for kids to wear dirty clothes all week cause they have a useless parent.

Give them some clothes, nothing to flash and expensive.
I habe a loathing for this have your own clothes nonsense.
The kids need to go so back them wgat they need.
The father may get his act together one day who knows.
Rise above and be the decent parent.
Avoid games, manipulation or not your kids with remember weird goings on so try keep Normality.

OP, it sounds like you are recognising that he is controlling & manipulating you through the children.

What happens during his contact time with them is his responsibility. Not yours.

Put it back to him, every time. He'll get the message.

Unless of course you are prepared to replace their entire wardrobe multiple times over.....

OP isn't stopping them doing anything. The ex is. OP doesn't need to send him swimming trunks. He could get from Asda or primark for literally £2/3.

Just had a look on primark
Pack of 7 socks - £1.80
10 pack underwear- £3.50
2 pack of shirts - £2.30
Jogging bottoms- £3.50

He can. He just won't because he thinks he can manipulate OP into it.

Rise above and be the decent parent

No. Have higher expectations of the other parent. Don't infantilise them. 'Rise above' is nonsense - she is being the decent parent by expecting him to be one. The way to rise above is to behave like an adult, maintain your boundaries and expect him to solve his own problems.

Don't you think it's a little controlling to send all the clothes etc. Shouldn't he be free to parent as he sees fit?

So the OP just needs to keep a supply of swimming gear at her house that doesn't ever end up at the ex's house, for the regular classes that she takes the children to. it really isn't difficult.

I stopped sending clothes when stuff stopped coming back, and I'd then see DS's slightly younger step brother wearing his stuff! So I told his Dad he needed to have a set of clothes there for him - which baring in mind he'd found a way to avoid maintenance, it wasn't much to ask.

We eventually changed it back when DS was about 10/11, when he wanted his own clothes, that he'd chosen, but he knew that it was his responsibility to bring it all home with him.

I've known quite a few separated parents over the years, and I think most had this arrangement

This thread should have been titled "abusive ex" not difficult. He is continuing to be abusive, financial abuse by withholding the clothes she has already provided.

He is more interested in punishing her in any means possible with zero care for the impact on the DC.

Don't be surprised if he drops them home early to ensure that any plans you have made are spoiled.

It certainly is if you are on a tight budget and do not receive child support due to the difficult ex not having a job. I think you are not quite grasping that whatever clothes are sent across may not make it back. The OP has noted that this has already been the case with clothes previously sent now missing from drawers.

No no no. The father needs to keep a supply of swimwear at his house. It really isn’t difficult!

Blaming the mother for not giving into the father’s manipulative and abusive behaviour is highly misogynistic.

OP is right to not give in to this behaviour and is setting a great example to her kids about boundaries and responsibilities. Let’s not raise more generations of kids who think it’s ok that fathers are absolved from basic parenting responsibilities and mothers should just give in to it.

The clothes belong to the children so they should take their clothes with them. They should be able to be clean and fresh every day regardless of who bought the clothes and where they are staying.

Yes their dad is a deadbeat piece of shit, but you can't send them in the clothes they are stood up in and nothing else, that would make you a deadbeat shit parent too. Just disengage with him and make sure your children have what they need.

Just make it clear you expect the clothes to be returned.

In a world where there are lots of groups on social media where people gift things they don't need anymore to others needing stuff there's no reason he can't have extra clothes/swinwear if money is an issue.

I gifted swimwear last year and have gifted old clothing of my kids too.

Just read your latest post.

Sorry but I couldn't have it on my conscience that my kids had some spare underwear and nothing else.

You don't stop meeting their needs when they are staying at the other parent's house. Especially knowing the other parent is shit, because they actually need you more than ever when they are there.

It's just not a hill I would be willing to die in, not making sure my kids have what they need just to make a point.

That's not to say you are wrong feeling like this. The ex is the one in the wrong. He is a shit dad who can't be arsed to do the right thing and look after his kids properly. But the kids shouldn't be stuck in the middle with nothing clean to wear.

@littleredcaravan they have 3 other sets of clothing at their Dads you know clothing he has deliberately kept hold of and not returned and lying about not having anything.

No no no. The father needs to keep a supply of swimwear at his house. It really isn’t difficult!

Blaming the mother for not giving into the father’s manipulative and abusive behaviour is highly misogynistic.

OP is right to not give in to this behaviour and is setting a great example to her kids about boundaries and responsibilities. Let’s not raise more generations of kids who think it’s ok that fathers are absolved from basic parenting responsibilities and mothers should just give in to it.

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They're 5 and 7. They're not old enough to understand boundaries and responsibilities between co-parents.
They are old enough to know that their clothes aren't being changed daily though and aren't clean.

Again, not the mother's fault he is a shit dad. But she can ease the disruption and stress for them by making sure they have a bag of clean clothes to change into.

The first few times my children spent the weekend with their father I packed a bag with clothes for them. He complained every time. (Also he ruined some of them by washing them, but that's another subject.)

So I thought about it and realised my maintenance was being reduced because he is supposed to provide for them when he is with them. So I stopped. I now don't even let them take coats because he ruins them.

They are not going on a holiday. They are going to their other home. You don't need to send clothing. It is up to their parent.