Would this make me an awful mother? Leaving baby

[Mumguilt356]

Hello, first time mum to a 5month old here.

DD is currently exclusively breastfed and has never taken a bottle properly, despite lots of trying.
She IS currently interested in drinking a little bit of either formula or pumped milk from it, and gets briefly excited by the bottle.. but I can tell she sees it more like a play thing. She does drink but never more than 10/20/30ml.. and if she’s properly hungry will protest until she can drink properly from me instead.

I have a non child wedding coming up that would mean leaving her for most the day.. My question is is it awful of me to expect her to survive on tiny amounts of milk for 12hrs (at worst) or ridiculous that I actually expect that she’d drink more if I wasn’t around. I’m very aware babies are adaptable so I believe she’d be okay and actually drink.. my DH thinks it’s way more likely she’d refuse and be distressed.

What would you do? I don’t want to leave her in distress but equally think she’d be ok… am I being ridiculous to think so?

I had some terrible advice from my HV. Thankfully I didn't follow some of it.

You're using very dramatic language but to no honesty no I wouldn't have done it. At 5 months my baby was still very clingy and also took a bottle unreliably. It's not fair on the baby and I don't know how you could relax knowing you baby wasn't feeding properly!

Has she only ever tried the bottle with you and your boobs present? If so, that’s not really going to work with determined little mites. My DD would only take a bottle from my DH and only if I was well out of sight, locked in another room. We used to joke that she could sniff out fresh breast milk from a mile a way!

Have you tried freezing your breast milk? My DC never took a bottle, but loved sucking ice blocks, which I found really handy when we went out. Failing that, can you rent a room close to the venue so you can go back to baby for feeds. All the best, I hope you get to enjoy the wedding

At 5 months you can also start to introduce baby rice or porridge

I was In a similar position when my first child was that age.
I left him with dad and went to Ibiza for the weekend

Was amazing.
Highly recommend
They both survived. And he drank loads from a bottle from dad. (Which he would never normally do!)

I'm not going to read all these replies as some of them seem a bit extreme. I think it's definitely something you can do, isn't ridiculous but you can't just jump into it, you need to prepare.

Start taking extended breaks from your child when they would usually feed. Have a Saturday off for a few hours and see how that goes. This will help your breasts cope with missing feeds and your baby manage too. Then gently extend it to 7/8 hours.
Life as a parent comes with sacrifices and balance. Leave the party early to be home with your baby and breastfeed. Best of both worlds.

One of my colleagues had to come back to work when her baby was 20 weeks and baby had never taken a bottle, ever, but she had no choice. She spent all day at work crying in the bathroom, worrying about her baby. The grandma managed to get the baby to drink milk from a sippy cup and within a 4-5 days (and a serious shop for various bottles) he was taking a bottle reliably (only when mum wasn't around!!!).

However, I wouldn't do that for a wedding, not when you're a month away from giving him solids. Traumatic for both of you. It's one thing to have to make a living. Totally different for a wedding.

I'd also suggest a few shorter trial runs. You may find that when you are not there your baby will accept a bottle far more readily, but then again, you might not.
I have had both experiences. My first would not take milk of any kind by any means other than direct from the breast but eventually I had to go back to work. Don't worry, said the nursery staff, we see this all the time, she'll be fine when you're not here. And she was. Within a day or two she'd take a bottle of either formula or ebm with no problem.
So second time round I was quite relaxed about it. Same thing happened, nursery said the same and I expected the same result. But no. He never took a bottle no matter what anyone tried and I bought every bottle and cup on the market and tried every trick in the book. Fortunately he was on solids by then so nursery would give him things with plenty of fluid in them, like fruit puree with some expressed milk mixed in and then he would feed like crazy once I collected him. He survived of course, but it was a really difficult few months for all comcerned and I was never away as long as 12 hours. I had no choice as I needed to work, but I wouldn't have left him for a social event. But with DD it would have been fine to do that. The problem is that at this stage you don't know of your baby is going to be like my DD or my DS or something in between. I'd have some practice runs as soon as possible and defer a decision until you see which way things are going.

I wouldn’t. My ds wouldn’t take a bottle and hadn’t started eating either at 6m (we offered food but he didn’t take it) so I almost had to say no to a family wedding when the bride was adamant no babies. A family member had to come and look after ds for me so I could feed him. It was years ago and I still remember how mad I was that it wasn’t acceptable for me to say no but also not to bring my baby, since there was no other option- you can’t leave a baby that age without food. And it was sprung on us at the last minute. Bride is now ex family.

OP I am in the exact same position here, DS also breastfed and not interested in the bottle and we have a wedding in 4 weeks.
Normally I wouldn't be bothered to miss it but it's DH's oldest and best friend.
I have started leaving DS with different people - DH/MIL/Friend etc and building up the time I leave him.
I get them to drape a top I have slept in and not washed in order for him to be comforted by my smell, he also prefers to feed lying down so they do that to - he's a diva!
They will all wear a top that has no sleeves and low neck - he loves a bit of skin😄
I've built it up to 3 hours after doing it for 8 days and while he's not overly impressed he will take 10/20/30 ml throughout that time.
I'm going to start him on a small spoon feed just shy of 6 months so that he has that as well on the day.
My plan is to feed him as much as possible before we leave and hopefully he will take enough to keep hydrated and not get overly upset until I get back.
There are no rooms at the wedding venue, otherwise I would bring him and a baby sitter and just go up and feed him, however it is only a 40 min drive away and his Nana will drive straight to me if he won't settle or gets very upset and I trust her to do it, otherwise I wouldn't leave him with her as there is no way I want my little man getting distressed.
If you can get him to take enough and not get overly upset between now and then, go for it.
I will also be bringing my pump with me as I would be so uncomfortable otherwise.
I'm also prepared to bail out early if I find I'm missing him too much and I've no problem doing that.

Gosh either take her with you or don't go.
I EBF for two years..
I never left her. My friends knew this and l took her to weddings and parties etc
Breast is not only food it's comfort too.
She's far too young.

We went to a child free wedding when our son was about six months. He was exclusively breast fed as well. The wedding was hours away and we made a wknd of it. What we did was take my mother in law with us. She was happy to potter around the city where the wedding was being held and pop back to us every couple of hours so I could feed him. Would something like this be possible?

It doesn't sound feasible as things are. You can go to the wedding and the baby's father (I'm being all kinds of presumptuous, but this is the most likely set up) finds a room in a hotel for the day, of uses the car and cafés as a base and you meet him every couple if hours or whatever to feed. You'd need to be taking regular pumping breaks throughout the day anyway to avoid mastitis or simply just busting out if you dress as your boobs get ready to explode.

I think it’s the 12 hours that is the issue, as you say. Usually work might be more like 9 - which is a quarter less. And generally at that age that’s also about the most they sleep in one stretch.

Is there any way you could come home a few hours earlier OP?

This is what I’d have done ( and did).

Tits up is the problem. The baby won't take a bottle ...

If she's already taking up to 30ml at a time from a bottle then she's not going to dehydrate and it won't be dangerous, this is very dramatic. She can take ml every hour or so from a cup or spoon too if she's very anti the bottle.

All the drama and shaming is purely because the mum is thinking about doing something she will enjoy. If she was leaving the baby at nursery to go to work then everyone would say baby will adjust and be fine.

Even if they’re “totally fine” as you said your baby was the next day, surely there were a lot of tears and distress?

Also 20 hours with very little milk but before they are on solids? Surely far from ideal and I imagine the massive feed was due to being hungry.

OP, I just wouldn’t go. We didn’t go to a couple of weddings when mine was young and EBF if uninvited. Close friends understood and invited her.

Will she take a bottle from someone else? DH/DGP?

You need to leave her for a shorter time first to see what happens otherwise no you can't leave her for 12h not knowing if she'll feed or not, she could get very dehydrated in that time.
You might have to compromise and only go to the daytime part of the wedding or get someone to bring baby to you to feed during the day.

Thanks so much everyone.. even though half of you are about to flame me 🙄 I get it could be a terrible idea though, hence why I’m asking…

“ NameChangearamamama · Yesterday 23:03
Yes, it would make you a shit mum. Can’t believe you’d even consider this.”

Gosh @NameChangearamamama I’m glad I’m feeling good about motherhood and in general how attentive I am, but next time please consider not attacking a first time mum so harshly. PPD and all that jazz 🙄 I’m not asking to leave her without milk to dehydrate, it just wouldn’t be in her preferential vessel so to speak.. I know she’d have SOME just worst case not enough 😕

I agree with @HolibobsMum in that people do leave their babies and they adapt.. and that I’m sure I’d have a different response if I HAD to leave her for something important.

Like I said she is now drinking from the bottle, just not properly at all. But the fact she gets excited by it (actively lunges for it) as opposed to what she used to do which was scream at the sight of it makes me feel like she’d be ok if she was actually thirsty and I wasn’t around 🤔 I do also have syringes and sippy cup on hand for any emergencies.

All that being said, I don’t want her distressed. When I google it I’m told “babies will adapt when mum isn’t around” but I’ve only just once left her for 5hours so it’s not been tested. She was absolutely fine when I did leave though, my OH was nervous but she didn’t even act like I was gone.. but during that time only took 30ml so I don’t know what she’d be like had she gotten really hungry. I don’t want to completely stress her so I’ll be honest I’m feeling it’s probably not worth it..!!

Thanks for all opinions though

@Lourdes12 @Jolene89 she slept fine and wasn't distressed, she cried a bit but was easily distracted (and was offered milk!) and went to sleep being cuddled by my sister who she knew and loved. I got lots of happy photos of her and when I arrived she was giggling with her cousins entertaining her. She didn't cry when she saw me, but was hungry ready for a feed!

I did have to express a few times when I was gone.

If she wants a break she needs to make sure her baby can/will actually feed first though?!

I don't think it's fair to go. Sorry.

With my first (ff) baby, I went away for the weekend at 3m, could easily be away for the day. No big deal.

With my first (bf due to failed combi feeding) she refused a bottle and I first left her for a few hours at 10m (she was eating well). My return to work was severely impacted and for months I worked from home with my parents bringing baby to me for feeding. First overnight away at 18mish (still feeding).

That's not too say that you need to martyr yourself with it forever, but bottle refusal is a known risk with breastfed babies, and you kind of have to adapt life to ensure baby can feed frequently enough.

Maybe consider your partner coming with you and hanging out nearby and you pop out to feed and come back etc.

I had the exact same with my first - she was fine for the first 3/4 hours and then just got increasingly more distressed so I ended up leaving early. I’m sure if she really got worked up enough she’d have eventually taken it but I wasn’t willing to let her get that upset just so I could stay out. Sorry probably not what you want to hear!
On a positive note, out of nowhere DD2 (who was also a bottle refuser) out of nowhere started guzzling bottles down at about 6 months so equally she may start taking them if you persevere!