Would this make me an awful mother? Leaving baby

[Mumguilt356]

Hello, first time mum to a 5month old here.

DD is currently exclusively breastfed and has never taken a bottle properly, despite lots of trying.
She IS currently interested in drinking a little bit of either formula or pumped milk from it, and gets briefly excited by the bottle.. but I can tell she sees it more like a play thing. She does drink but never more than 10/20/30ml.. and if she’s properly hungry will protest until she can drink properly from me instead.

I have a non child wedding coming up that would mean leaving her for most the day.. My question is is it awful of me to expect her to survive on tiny amounts of milk for 12hrs (at worst) or ridiculous that I actually expect that she’d drink more if I wasn’t around. I’m very aware babies are adaptable so I believe she’d be okay and actually drink.. my DH thinks it’s way more likely she’d refuse and be distressed.

What would you do? I don’t want to leave her in distress but equally think she’d be ok… am I being ridiculous to think so?

@Calliopespa correct. I remember this. Babies refusing bottle if they could smell mum. But would take if mum out of house

My 5 month old has occasionally slept for 12 hours overnight without feeding... she's absolutely fine.
And this baby isn't not feeding at all she's just taking less than she usually does.
Think you are being ridiculous here.

I'm surprised so many people are saying no to this. I've nannied a couple times for breastfed babies who refuse bottles as emergency cover was sort of my thing. The first day is utterly hell but they do feed in the end. And if your partner or whoever you are leaving baby with isn't prepared and on board with that then don't do it it takes a lot of patience to care for a child that long who just wants boob. I would recommend building up to it go out for 3-4 hours and don't come home till baby has had a feed and enough time to actually need a feed don't rush home immediately if baby doesn't feed. It depends how important the wedding is to you, personally I probably wouldn't do it unless I was loosing myself to motherhood and really needing the break- if you feel that way it's completely a valid choice if you have someone willing to have baby

You could leave a worn t-shirt of yours for her to cuddle while she has a bottle so she has the smell of you.

Yes it’s incredible how developed their smell is.

The problem is if you haven’t ascertained that it is just because she can smell you op, she may end up going many hours with no milk. I realise she is five months and not a newborn but the midwife on the maternity ward nearly flogged me when I let one of mine sleep for quite a few hours without a feed. And at five months she can go longer but not 12 hours.

I think the best solution would be for someone else to come along to look after the baby and bring her to you for feeds. They could also try bottle feeding from a hotel. You will most likely be incredibly engorged and uncomfortable after a few hours, so you will need a reliable method of relieving that. Feeding the baby would be the easiest way, but if you decide to leave her behind, take a pump. It might save you from getting mastitis.

Unfortunately it isn’t safe to leave her if she isn’t taking formula properly. In a few months she may be on enough solid food to consider it but not now. Personally I think it’s awful of the couple who is getting married to invite a breastfeeding mother and not allow her to bring her baby. My son was the only child invited to an event once when he was 11 months old because I was still breastfeeding him and the people organising it didn’t want to leave me out. I’m not even particularly close to these people. If someone had expected me to leave him at 5 months it would have really made me question if I wanted to be friends with them.

My eldest dc was a bottle refuser and I had to attend a child-free event when he was about 2 months old. My DP brought him to me for a couple of feeds (the event was an hour away from our home but close to my parents' house, so they decamped there for the day as it was convenient for getting him to me for feeds, and then we all travelled home together in the early evening.) Apaet from the baby's needs it meant my boobs wouldn't explode as I was an over provider in that department!!

In your case. I think it depends on location/ distance and how quickly and conveniently the baby could be brought to you if needed. And how long realistically you plan to be away. The baby won't starve if it refuses a feed for a few hours but I could be distressing for everyone.
I'm surprised that child free means strictly "baby free". I can understand the reasons why people want a child free wedding but if you are invited and they know you have an infant then surely they must understand that a new mum comes with a babe in arms! Have you tried speaking to the couple to see if this is allowed? I appreciate it doesn't make for a very relaxing wedding for you to be in sole charge of your baby but it might end up being the better option if you're really keen to go?

When's the wedding?

I had a bottle refuser and no I wouldn't have left her for a wedding at five months, it wouldn't have been fair to her or DH.

However by ten months she'd stopped breastfeeding literally mid feed one bedtime and didn't drink any form of milk from any bottle or cup until after her birthday. Not for want of trying.

They change so quickly at this age. If she'll be a few weeks into weaning I'd do it but not otherwise.

Well op threw the question open to all and my answer is personally I would not have left mine for 12 hours at 5 months if they were not taking the bottle.

I think you've been very unfairly judged here. I have had 2 EBF babies, one very fussy on the bottle and one not so bad but still much preferred boob. Both babies I've worked full time with, one from 10 weeks and the other from 16 weeks. Both I've had to leave for periods of time to work. Neither starved. Both were given the option of breast milk and formula iny absence. Both drank when they wanted to, particularly more in my absence in comparison to when I was around. If the wedding is coming up very soon, leave a selection of milk, bottles and any other comforts she may have. If it's in a while you can leave the option of some suitable food too if weaning by then. At 5 months baby can be offered sips of cool boiled water too. Try a practice run / trial for a few hours before hand to see how she is without you then. And if in doubt, ask your HV or a Breastfeeding peer group or helpline for advice. Good luck and have fun x

Unless the wedding's on Saturday, you've got time.

Go out the house over her feed time and get dh to try the bottle. Make sure you're away for a good couple of hours. You do need to actually be away to know whether she won't take it or just prefers it from you if you're there as an option.

Try a few times unless she's very distressed in which case leave it for a while.

This is a v good point. I returned to work around this point too and was worried but my breastfeeding counsellor reassured me that the baby would "reverse cycle" until he was used to the new routine, which he did. He'd take huge amounts of milk at night and in the morning and then have not very much while I was away from him. It was only a few weeks until weaning anyway, and he's still a massive 90th centile growth curve boy and that curve didn't change during that first month after my return to work, where his feeding pattern was all a bit tipsy turvy.
I think reverse cycling is common around the 5-6m point so it might work for the OP if she starts now with a few trial runs.
I had forgotten entirely about this (it's funny how quickly you do forget all this stuff that, at the time, was such a huge palaver and source of stress!)

How did the baby sleep if it barley had anything? Babies don't sleep when they are hungry

That’s harsh to a new mum asking advice.

Whoever has asked you to separate from a breastfeeding 5 month old does not care about you very much. even a generally child free wedding should acknowledge that you are a unit.

if you really want to attend the wedding and you have time, I would start with shorter trials. Leave for an hour, then on another day leave for 2, etc. work your way up to leaving long enough that your child needs to eat at least one good bottle. If that doesn’t happen with reasonable ease, then it’s too soon to leave for 12 hours.

Yes this is ridiculous - babies do not just adapt to not being fed but while being without food is unsafe and one thing, being without hydration in this heat feels quite scary and your five month old gets her water needs met from breastmilk. there is no guarantee she will feed from bottle and yes she will be distressed. If going to the wedding is important to you bring your husband close by and go in and out to feed your child - you’ll enjoy it more without being worried about them anyway. Look up eatfeedspeak on Instagram if you want to transition to bottles.

Can you ask the couple who are marrying if you can bring DD with you? Even childfree weddings don’t usually exclude young babies who are BF.

Mine refused the bottle too. At five months I had some good success getting dc to drink from a shot glass! Maybe try that?

Also, my dc was ready to start weaning around five mo. If your dc is interested in food I'd probably start considering bits of actual food.

Excellent pun! I agree with this poster, and I EBF for over a year, but was able to leave DC and they would take a bottle when I wasn’t there. She can smell the milk on you so she holds out for her preferred drink, if you’re not there it should be different. Do some trial runs, go out and leave her with her dad, and see what happens. Important though that he offers a bottle before she starts to scream the place down otherwise he’ll have no hope.

I really hope that people like you don't actually speak to people like this in real life.

You can feed milk to a baby from a food syringe or even a spoon (although it will take longer than a boob or a bottle). Also 30 mls is roughly a third of a full feed for mine which she takes every 3 hours so giving 30 mls every hour would be fine as well. Even if she takes a part of her standard amount she will be fine and will catch up by feeding more once you’re back. Good luck OP

It will be ok for you to go. I breastfed nearly exclusively but come 9pm I would hand her over to ExH who would do the last feed which was formula as I didn’t have time to express. I was out of sight and she took to it well so I could sleep till her next feed at 2am. She will hopefully be on solid is too then ( sorry I’m so out of touch with weaning as have an adult teen and tween) so this will ensure she’s not hungry. You cannot be housebound, it’s simply not practical!

My god are you for real?

Nursing babies surely would not be excluded from weddings, what couple would say no to that?
If not I'd just not go.