Family friends with radically different parenting values - awkward

[JazbayGrapes]

Hosted a bbq last weekend. Invited a few friends with families. Including one family we've known for a couple of years, just hadn't invited before. There were 7 kids in total. In our house, during social gatherings kids usually have a free reign on screens and sweet treats. This new family seemed very uptight about it (they're very big on healthy living and positive values). Mother loudly announced that her kids are not allowed to play x, y, z, and to only have 1 treat. Their boy seemed resentful and said he wanted to go home. I felt bad for him, as well as for the mum, because she was made to look unreasonable. So where does that leave me - not to invite them ever again?

Hmm. I'm a bit stricter than some of my friends. In this scenario, if I felt being there contradicted how I want my kids to behave, I'd probably just decline future invitations, or now that I knew what it would be like I'd decide how to approach that with my child ahead of time. So I don't think you necessarily need to do anything, it's her decision to make. I wouldn't stop inviting her, that will make her feel unwanted. Unless, you feel she ruined the vibe in which case fine to not invite her.

Yeah, you need to leave this up to her. Invite, and it’s her choice how to manage.

If she prepares ahead of time with “@JazbayGrapes eats to excess and has no limits on screen time, but while we are there, we will only watch X and have one (name of item)” then it should be fine.

But again, not your problem 🤷‍♀️

You can invite them but in the place of the other mother, I'd probably not come just to avoid the issue. Screens I could let go for the duration of a gathering (even though I always discouraged screens during gatherins so they could interact socially), but what does free reign on sweet treats mean? If it's really a sugar fest for hours, I think I'd give it a miss.

You can invite them again and leave it up to her to accept or decline. You don't need to change your parenting to fit theirs in your own home, but if your kids are old enough you could explain to them the situation that the other parents don't like certain games and ask them to not play them for that one day. It depends on how keen you are to have them over and how much you enjoy their company, I guess!

I wouldn't feel bad for her OP, I feel bad for you. Hosting and providing a lovely time and she has to come out with that loudly. Healthy living is great, but surely there's a time for a bit of a relax on it, she needs to unclench, particularly as her kids get older.

Invite her next time, it's up to her if she wants to decline as it's not her thing.

I think she made herself sound unreasonable and judgy! Parents can have different approaches but to loudly announce hers sounds judgy of anyone who does it differently. I’d be like you and letting my kids enjoy themselves as long as they were safe, not misbehaving and not eating to the point of being sick. I usually manage their eating by sorting them a plate/bowl and saying this is their share of treats. If they want more, they have to ask me/DH… It’s on us as parents to manage our children, not the host.

How old are the kids?

How old are the kids?

Theirs 10 and 13. Company in total - from 7 to 16.

It just feels awkward that they were left somewhat embarrassed. They're not uncool people, but we're obviously more self-indulging and less disciplined. "It's a party - just enjoy yourselves". An extra helping of cake or icecream won't do any harm. And screens is a much safer entertainment than any active play in rather cramped environment.

Their parents need to unclench! Those kids are old enough to know that there are exceptions to rules at parties.

Their parents need to unclench! Those kids are old enough to know that there are exceptions to rules at parties.

That's my thoughts too. I don't want to go into too much detail in case its outing, but the mum was like "In our family we don't allow certain things and friends' houses are not an exception". We, adults, could only roll our eyes, and the 13yo was obviously not chuffed. He wasn't excluded from other kids, but was obviously embarrassed.

Don't feel sorry for her. She made the decision to stick to her rules.

Invite her again and she can choose to come knowing how you do things - or decline.

I cant get worked up about parents who want to continue with their parenting in other people’s houses. Expecting a group of children to entertain themselves with screens at a so-called party is pretty poor if you ask me. I’d have made sure there were activities for the children to do that didn't involve staring at a device. Your viewpoint of these parents is just plain judgy. I’d also have made sure there was a range of foods that everyone could enjoy. Maybe he wanted to go home because he wasn’t made to feel very welcome?

What were the things they weren’t allowed to play? Games with 18 ratings or something else?

Personally if I was invited to someone’s house for a BBQ with my preteens/teens, I wouldn’t want them to have free rein on screens. They aren’t toddlers. I’d expect a 10 & 13 to interact with other children and adults. You as a grown up wouldn’t go to someone’s BBQ and go sit in their lounge on your phone playing games.

This a bit drives me nuts. My dc’s friends no longer come over and actually interact. They just sit on their phones in the same room. How will they learn to have polite conversations if we don’t expect them to? If I went to someone’s house because we were invited, my dc wouldn’t be allowed to bring their phones with them. If they were, say, 3, it might be different, because a toddler does need some downtime so adults can interact after a point.

I wouldn’t have been rude about it, but I would have said, phones are going away. Why not come outside and chat with everyone?

ok, they weren't all on their phones. They had an Xbox and Switch and they all played together, shared and took turns, and only sporty games. So in the end it was fine. I'm not daft. Anything 18rated never in front of guests. Only family friendly entertainment.
But this family has a very strict "zero violence" policy - so nothing involving any fighting or weapons, even the most innocuous. Even Star Wars and Harry Potter is undesirable content for them. A bit OTT really.

What a horrible way to judge a parent who was just consistently applying their family rules.

Ah OK I am the kind of parent you look down on then. How many of the rioters do you think had parents who didn't allow any violent games?

My brother and wife are similar. Myself and dh are very relaxed with treats when out. But they won't allow my niece and treats. It is awkward sometimes and feels cruel as for example we could be ina. Coffee shop and I would allow mine to pick a cake and they just refuse and will give them a bit of her parents cake but she's never allowed choose or to have the whole thing.

It happened this weekend and my mother left quite upset as felt they are constantly saying no to her.

When I say my mother was upset, she didn't say anything to them, just was a bit upset after we left as it all felt a bit cruel. My son had ordered already so wasn't going to take it back from him just because they won't allow her

How many of the rioters do you think had parents who didn't allow any violent games?

Whoa right here... rioting because their parents didn't ban them from Star Wars?

It happened this weekend and my mother left quite upset as felt they are constantly saying no to her.

That is sad indeed. What is their reasoning?

They indeed need to unclench. Their eldest will be out in the big wide world on their own in a few short years, with as much alcohol, vapes and cans of monster they can dream off, nevermind bloody sweeties and Nintendo! That kids gonna go wild!

They just don't allow her to have sugar. I didn't even explain it right so we arrived at coffee shop first and we were looking at the menu. I told ds10 that he could pick a cake, he chose a chocolate brownie. We all ordered, my SIL ordered a croissant and as the waitrsss walked off, we coped that my niece hadn't ordered and my mother said, what do you want to my niece and my SIL said no she would give her some of her croissant. She broke it into 3 pieces when it arrived but when my niece went to take her peice they took it and broke it in half again so it was about a 5th of it at this stage!
My son offered her a bit of his brownie and they said no she's not allowed have any. I know people have rules but I think it's just mean. This is constant, even at my nephews birthday, they half the slice my mum had cut her and peeled off the icing 😳

I’ve always told my children, “their house, their rules.” So as long as the host isn’t offering them heroin or pornography, we pretty much go along with what they’re doing. I think it’s odd to do otherwise tbh. Just continue to do what you feel is appropriate when hosting and let her worry about her family. It’s weird but it’s not your problem.

This is ridiculous - you think there's a link between being a thug and being allowed to watch batman movies?

This …what a ridiculous post!!