Family friends with radically different parenting values - awkward

[JazbayGrapes]

Hosted a bbq last weekend. Invited a few friends with families. Including one family we've known for a couple of years, just hadn't invited before. There were 7 kids in total. In our house, during social gatherings kids usually have a free reign on screens and sweet treats. This new family seemed very uptight about it (they're very big on healthy living and positive values). Mother loudly announced that her kids are not allowed to play x, y, z, and to only have 1 treat. Their boy seemed resentful and said he wanted to go home. I felt bad for him, as well as for the mum, because she was made to look unreasonable. So where does that leave me - not to invite them ever again?

@MallikaOm the problem with sending that is that this woman will want to control the next bbq and it’s not her house, she’s not hosting. She needs to accept its more chilled or decline.

I wouldn’t be bending over backwards to accommodate such uptight people.

In my day, the kids just all played together they didn't need an activity. The kids I know still do this now! Maybe some tpys, but usually they just play with each other. No wonder some kids have no social skills anymore if it's seen as normal to sit around a screen. Very depressing. No doubt these kids will also grow up with anxiety etc

Someone else who's a bit clenched up.

OP said

They had an Xbox and Switch and they all played together, shared and took turns

If you like her, invite her. Her rules are up to her- just don’t engage with that or feel awkward about it. She can relax her rules or not and live with the consequences either way.

The kids weren't really with their friends though, were they?

The adults were with their friends and the kids were with the children of the other adults, who may or may not have been their friends. Particularly if some of the children didn't know each other well, very sensible to have some activity (here, screens) for them to do to break the ice.

It would be different if there was a planned playdate/meet-up between the children and their actual friends (though older kids do meet up to play on screens together, and I must admit I don't see anything wrong with that moderation).

I've been that kid who had to stand and watch while everyone had fun.
It's not nice and a few sweets and a bit of screen time doesn't hurt

I think it's unrealistic to expect a 13yo who from the sound of it didn't necessarily know the other kids already, just to turn up and "play".

Can I ask why with 7 kids screens are necessary? Why can't the kids all play together?

1. because 21st century kids prefer playing with screens than with cards like a bunch of pensioners. And Nintendo is something both teenagers and younger kids can enjoy equally.
2. our home/garden is rather small so we can't offer them a football pitch unfortunately. Had we been camping or in a park it it would be different.

I don't know anyone who has free reign on sweet treats with young kids, so perhaps you also should be more mindful of that when inviting people over?

I am mindful that there is plenty of food for everyone and if anyone has allergies or special requirements. Kids aren't dogs. How many ice lollies can one eat at most?

Yes this. And I know a couple of families who were really strict over sugar, and the kids ended up with eating disorders.
It's sad as we know these things are bad for you but unfortunately they are in the world so self regulating is a big lesson to learn.

I think you sound very normal.

I honestly think that this kind of parenting will do more damage than the sugar would.

I grew up in a family where we didn't have fizzy pop and sweets were like a 1 or 2 thing and you had to walk 20 minutes to the shop to get them. I do remember a few occasions where I went to friends houses where I felt sick from the amount of sweets and pop. I just wasn't used to it.

I have a friend now who has a gluten intolerant child and she will now take things for him - so I guess the solution would be she has to bring healthy snacks that she wants her child to have.

You don't really know what the child actually wants or likes so I wouldn't overrule the parent entirely.

In regards of screen time again I think you just have to explain this is what happens to the parent and they choose if they want them to come. Setting up and monitoring a different activity might not be feasible so you just have to be blunt.

Also edited to add what about fruit as sweet treats- strawberries, grapes kind of thing.

Oh God, they sound rude and tedious. How embarrassing for them and their poor teen. Even if they thought those thoughts, just have a quiet word with your own child, don’t announce your views to everyone. So incredibly superior.

How old are you? I'm late 30s and it was very normal when I was growing up for kids to play video games together at social gatherings - especially at 13 which is really good old for playing hide and seek. As far as I know none of us have become rioters/anxious wrecks.

Yes, there's an eating disorder in that girl's future.

Are those of you banging on about "screens" aware you sound like you don't quite understand what's going on around you? There's a world of difference between one person playing candy crush on a phone and a group of people playing a game together which happens to involve looking at a big screen as well as each other.

Are you objecting if your kids are taught from an interactive screen at school rather than a blackboard as well?

Late 30s too 🙂 video games were pretty rare tbh! Depending on ages, we'd be playing or as we got older more likely chatting about something. 7 kids to be playing video games all evening seems a bit sad. Even now there's load of fun games you can play (not actual board games, but games like that).

Sounds like it is her issue

You do not need to change your family habits to accommodate this particular parent

Invite them next time, leave it up to them whether they want to come- hopefully the kids will but she will either pipe down or stay away!

Late 30s too 🙂 video games were pretty rare tbh! Depending on ages, we'd be playing or as we got older more likely chatting about something. 7 kids to be playing video games all evening seems a bit sad. Even now there's load of fun games you can play (not actual board games, but games like that).

To be brutally honest, in "my day" we had air rifles. We also threw knives and set fires. As a parent, i'm quite grateful for videogames.

We've clearly had very different upbringings 😅

I'm now remembering the time a group of kids I was playing out with decided to test out an electric fence. I say remembering, I remember going up to it to hold both wires at once and I remember being on the ground afterwards but the bit in the middle is missing. Can't beat a wholesome rural upbringing 😬

All the posters saying the children should be playing... these are kids aged 10 - 16. The don't play hide-n-seek. I don't see anything wrong with kids playing group video games when visiting friends. OP has already said they were playing together.

Yanbu OP. (I guess you're a skyrim fan, me too.)

Sociable video gaming, where you're in the room with others, is a rrelatively good habit to instil in my opinion as it's a completely different thing to the basement-dweller, addictive, solitary and endless type gaming that is so harmful. It has a natural end as you stop when your friends go home.

I also think many games are good for problem solving, teamwork, turn taking, coping with disappointment etc.

Dh and I have always loved gaming and we're both fit, healthy, employed and have qualifications. Some people think gaming is mutually exclusive with these, as they don't understand and haven't gamed themselves.

I also sympathise with you op as none of my parenting friends really gel with our values, on this and other matters. Waiting for our actual friends to have kids!

Having children that size actively "playing" in a small house would be a disaster 😆.

I totally get it OP. You sound like a normal relaxed person. Take no notice of her and if you invite her again don't do anything differently. I had similar years ago with a mum I knew from a toddler group. My older DD was about seven and relaxed on the couch watching "Barbie life "in the dreamhouse " as we'd been out and about all morning and when the guest arrived with her two much younger toddler aged DC (similar ages to my younger DC) she insisted the telly be turned off even though none of us were in the room where the telly was as her DC were absolutely not exposed to screens. Now older DD would have went into the playroom anyway to play but I was taken aback with her insistence that all tv must be turned off in her DCs presence. One of my DC has asd as it turns out so I really see the benefit he gets and has gotten from screens so I'm actually very very relaxed about screen time as I don't see it as something awful