Family friends with radically different parenting values - awkward

[JazbayGrapes]

Hosted a bbq last weekend. Invited a few friends with families. Including one family we've known for a couple of years, just hadn't invited before. There were 7 kids in total. In our house, during social gatherings kids usually have a free reign on screens and sweet treats. This new family seemed very uptight about it (they're very big on healthy living and positive values). Mother loudly announced that her kids are not allowed to play x, y, z, and to only have 1 treat. Their boy seemed resentful and said he wanted to go home. I felt bad for him, as well as for the mum, because she was made to look unreasonable. So where does that leave me - not to invite them ever again?

Can I ask why with 7 kids screens are necessary? Why can't the kids all play together?

What bullshit!!

They are in for a world of hurt when that teenager hits his stride! He won't know how to regulate himself.

How old is your niece?

@5475878237NC

Ah OK I am the kind of parent you look down on then. How many of the rioters do you think had parents who didn't allow any violent games?
Interesting there is a high correlation between mass murderers and those with strict upbringings

That’s just mean why go into a cafe in the first place. Setting her daughter up to fail.

I don't know anyone who has free reign on sweet treats with young kids, so perhaps you also should be more mindful of that when inviting people over? I'm OK with my DC having treats, but not unlimited as it's just unhealthy so I wouldn't be that keen ok that either if I went somewhere (I guess kids parties being the exception). It's just being a good host 🤷🏼‍♀️

I find attitudes like those of the OP's guests really strange. really decline invitations because of issues like this?

I get people have different rules but surely at social events, you're there to enjoy yourself and that includes the kids. It's not about being "strict" or "lax". It's about recognising that normally we follow certain rules but that we are all allowed to relax and enjoy ourselves.

I've been at social events where parents have not allowed their DCs to have the cake and juice and yet they themselves are knocking back the alcohol and the desserts and giving their kid an apple and water. Some people really like to make their DCs the odd ones out presumably to make themselves feel superior to other parents.

Not your problem. Up to them if they want to come and if they are embarrassed through inability to flex, it’s their issue.

Many years ago, I recall going to a BBQ where the kids were all playing computer games on PlayStation or something. All age appropriate games for tweens - you would think. Some BS parent kept coming out, getting the hostess because they were playing inappropriate games. The main game in question had cartoon goats. If you didn’t do something the goats exploded (with a cartoon explosive symbol, not goat blood and guts visuals). The parent classed this as an inappropriate violent game, as they did with most others including Lego ones where the characters fell apart when they fought and lost. Fuck they were tedious and the hostess should have just told them to fuck off home and spare the rest of us.

@Mymanyellow she's 7

They sound tedious. I just wouldn't invite them again. Some people don't gel well together.

If we are socialising the short of crack cocaine, I relax. I think it’s the only way if there are parent parties and kids.

I do choose to keep an eye on my kids though and I have said they aren’t allowed the American crap sweets. I tell them to use common sense. My kids are pretty sensible though.

Kids sitting on screens at a social event is so sad.

Are there issues you are unaware of? I have to limit screen time because my DC are ND and it sends them loopy once it's turned off. My DC also have various health issues around food and shouldn't be eating 'sweet treats' without limit, we don't advertise these issues loudly to others as they are my dc's private health info.

I could have put up with the screens although. One don’t play computer games but the constant treats no we would have had to go home. Some kids can’t handle too much sugar and I’ve got one of those

Not all screens mean solitary, unengaged sitting around. There are lots of interactive fun games for groups to play together.

I agree, I think she was rude and superior and I wouldn’t invite them again. Certainly wouldn’t give her the chance to refuse a well intentioned invite.

Screens can be a way for children to interact together in a relaxed way. Most people wouldn't have an issue with a movie being put on for kids in another room at a social gathering - I don't see why interactive games are different.

And these are older kids, not tiny toddlers who can be pacified with a small slide and box of Duplo.

They're going to have to unclench fairly quickly I would say.
My DC are all adults now, while they were younger we really enjoyed entertaining groups of families with games nights and BBQs. Once teens reach 15 attitudes towards alcohol become noticeable- some are allowed one drink, others more while other parents do not allow until 17 or even 18. We had some awkward moments and actually stopped regular BBQs for a while because of this.
Personally I could not care about age appropriate screen time or food - one of the best things about these events is that the kids feel some freedom while their parents are also having fun. But the alcohol thing was difficult to navigate.

Your friend sounds very OTT for DC that age and not much fun TBH

Their parents need to unclench

Do folk like that even know how to unclench?

They sound terribly rude so I doubt it.

Kids sitting on screens at a social event is so sad

In my childhood it was stuff like colouring books if there was no space/inappropriate weather to run around. So how are screens any different to colouring books in my day?

Navigating different parenting values can definitely be tricky! How about something like this: "Hey [Friend's Name], I wanted to thank you again for coming to the BBQ. I really enjoyed having your family over, and I hope your kids had a good time despite the differences in our approaches. If you ever want to come by again, just let me know—maybe we can find a way to balance things a bit better next time. I totally understand and respect your family’s values and don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. 😊"

Oh god yes the alcohol thing! I’d forgotten that. This mum will explode!

I remember a party at a relatives when my DD was 15, we were toasting the engaged couple and I gave DD a glass of fizz. A relatives 17 year old asked for one and her mum refused, and seemed really off with me 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Agree!

I wouldn't be massively keen on my kids having unlimited screens and treats. I'm not usually even that strict on it, they have treats and screens most days, but I've always maintained that when we're with friends, screens go away. You can doom scroll anytime, but little Billy's only going to be here a few hours, so it nice pay attention to him. Regular treats throughout the gathering, when offered by an adult, I'd be ok with but actual unlimited help yourself, I wouldn't like and would probably have to have a 'I think you've had enough' talk with my kids, before they make themselves sick.