Family friends with radically different parenting values - awkward

[JazbayGrapes]

Hosted a bbq last weekend. Invited a few friends with families. Including one family we've known for a couple of years, just hadn't invited before. There were 7 kids in total. In our house, during social gatherings kids usually have a free reign on screens and sweet treats. This new family seemed very uptight about it (they're very big on healthy living and positive values). Mother loudly announced that her kids are not allowed to play x, y, z, and to only have 1 treat. Their boy seemed resentful and said he wanted to go home. I felt bad for him, as well as for the mum, because she was made to look unreasonable. So where does that leave me - not to invite them ever again?

I agree, I think she was rude and superior and I wouldn’t invite them again.

We've known them for a couple of years now and they never appeared snotty or acted superior. In fact they invited us over to their place a couple of times and had been lovely. Although they're higher up socioeconomic foodchain - much bigger house (where you can actually play hide and seek) and full on sporty and outdoorsy activities for their kids that are out of our family's price range.
So this sort of behavior came out as a surprise. We tried to make a joke out of it, like - you can't be serious? No, apparently bloody serious.

At someone else's party event? No, not reasonable behaviour. Parties are time to relax and indulge a bit

I used to hate having kids round to play whose parents were like this - we had boundaries would cook balanced meals and would absolutely be encouraging outdoor play etc… but when their parents are so strict, we found one child with sweets they had taken out of our cupboard stuffed in his pocket (he wasn’t allowed sweets at home), we would find empty snack packets in rooms and they would all be constantly asking for treats/ ice cream etc… These kids had no concept of everything in moderation and that nothing is bad!

In a party situation I am like you, if you would like ice cream have it! If I am cooking pizza have some - if there is chocolate dessert help yourself. Nothing you can do really but perhaps invite them and they can say no! I would stop the invites though if they were complete fun sponges!!! and their acts impacted on others!

Tbh we’re like the family you invited.
I’m intrigued as to how you think she should have acted?

I find it really hard now that the kids are getting older. When they were younger at these functions they all just played together. At the last one my eldest two really struggled as we don’t have screens at a social event and the other kids are now stuck to them. They just said they were bored. One of the kids showed them the switch and they were taking turns for a bit but when we got home they asked what was the point of going if they don’t speak any more.

It’s making it so hard as I want to spend time with friends but the kids are encouraged to not socialise?

Jesus….

They would NOT be getting an invite to one of our legendary garden parties again…

I know “ma baybee ma rulz” is generally the status quo but in a party scenario this behaviour is a real dampener / fun sponge and whether it is meant to or not sounds judgey.

my DH and I were talking the other day about how we have naturally drifted from parents who aren’t like us (ie gentle parents, precious parents and also the militant vegan organic, no jumping, “nap time at 1 precisely” types) because it’s just extra work and we aren’t interested 😅
we realised all our good friends parent in a v similar way to us

They socialise as much as we ever did. The problem is you're bringing your children up without normal 2024 things so they can't relate to other children of the same age and are "bored" in the company of other children.

I’ve always made sure my 2 children are “armed” if you like, with the information of both of their choices and I’m now in a position to say I trust their decision. For example, mum I want to stay up and watch this till it finishes at 11pm, I respond with it’s your choice. You have to get up at 6:30am tomorrow morning so make your decision. They stay up late? They reap what they sow when the alarm goes off. You have to arm your kids and trust they they make that right decision. In a few years when mine are off into the big wide world, they’ve made the right and wrong choices and hopefully learnt by them.

“nap time at 1 precisely” types

Aargh yes my NCT were entirely this type. Lost touch with them all, it was too exhausting. And I'm convinced that children's bodies don't work on such an exact circadian rhythm! What if they're teething, growth spurting, whatever? Surely their naps should be fluid!

Sadly haven't found any kindred spirit parenting friends yet. But I'm hopeful of meeting some now that dc1 is starting reception.

If you deny a child sweets for example, what is the first thing that child is going to spend all of his/hers pocket money on?

Yes, absolutely this.

DP has cousins who grew up (in the 1970s and 80s) in a house with no television and who wasn't allowed to read comics or magazines. Her parents would still maintain that this was good parenting because it's bad for children to 'stare at a talking box' or 'read throwaway nonsense about badly behaved children'.

One cousin is now barely in contact with his parents, and DP hasn't seen him for years. The other is still in touch and we see her occasionally. She's talked at length about how badly affected both her and her brother were by her parents being so inflexible and refusing to move with the times in any way, and how it did affect their ability to make friends and grow up with other kids.

DP and his sister remember their cousins coming over on Boxing Day when there was some huge kids' film or other being shown on TV that evening, in the days when a big film was a huge event because nobody had video recorders, and DP's mum saying 'Kids, you probably don't want to sit here listening to us adults' boring chat all evening - why don't you all curl up on the sofa with your Christmas chocolates and watch (whatever the film was) together while we're chatting in the other room?' and the cousins' parents absolutely vetoing this, which meant that DP and his sister were annoyed and resentful because they could hardly go and watch the film together and exclude their cousins, and by that point in the day they'd really had enough of playing Monopoly or whatever and were absolutely ready to spend 90 minutes with their box of Quality Street chilling with a film that all their mates would be talking about. This did not endear their cousins to them one little bit.

Id feel a bit like this. I don't mind screens for a bit but i wouldnt want the expectation that the kids were just going to park in front of screens the whole time? Because actually it's a bit rude isn't it, if not all the kids want to be glued to a screen but the others won't budge and do anything else.
And tbh i have to admit i feel like it's a bit of a lazy option isn't it, keeps the kids from 'bothering' the adults....

I'm as old as Moses, and there were no video games or smartphones in my childhood. I still remember the agonies of long afternoons of adults getting drunk and kids left to their own devices. There were usually big age gaps to be navigated, inevitably some got left out, there was often a little mild bullying... I was terribly shy and used to gravitate back to my mum, but she (young single mum needing a break) would shoo me off to "play". With a 3 year old, 9 year old twins and a 13 year old.

I would have LOVED it if we could have played video games together!

It’s much easier to socialise with friends who have the same parenting values. If you don’t share parenting values, just meet as adults for drinks instead.

Id feel a bit like this. I don't mind screens for a bit but i wouldnt want the expectation that the kids were just going to park in front of screens the whole time?

"The whole time" meaning a few hours of the whole day on a weekend. Videogames is how they socialize these days, like it or not. Another time and place they would have played football, or even sat around a board game.

Tbh we’re like the family you invited.
I’m intrigued as to how you think she should have acted?

Maybe if said exactly nothing of sorts? Because honestly i had no idea that people could have had such strong feelings over basically trivial things.

My sister used to be quite hyper and was always given instructions not to have fizzy drinks. Until one party she drinks a few drinks from the orange juice in the bowl. Yep very alcoholic punch. She was 8 or 9. A hyper child was considerably better than the hungover one they had. They relaxed a bit and added the caveat of checking with a grownup before taking a drink.

I do dread these situations as my daughter has food allergies. She's only 4 currently so I oversee everything but it won't be long before she is responsible for ensuring her own food is safe. I think part of the role of the host of a party is knowing your guests and ensuring there are options for all of those invited without overly singling them out. My sister is vegan and my mum is dairy and meat free for health reasons. By default most of the food is suitable for most of us. If I knew there were people that were stricter about treats I would be ensuring there were healthier snacks around so that they could feel included and wanted. If I have people I don't know the ins and outs of their diets I always check ahead of having them about their dietary preferences.

They sound uptight to me especially as their children are not that young. That said my teens are girls and would not be interested in playing video games for hours (barring a bit of Just Dance or Mario Karts) - but I certainly wouldn’t be bothered for the sake of one night. I think mine would rather watch a film/Netflix and that’s still screen time.

There’s a difference between kids all on their individual phones and not talking to each other at all (anti-social and discouraged by us) and playing video games together in a social situation.

The food thing I don’t find an issue at all - we have always encouraged self regulation rather than banning certain foods. The latter just makes them more attractive and binge worthy.

Huh ??? So we never had any violence murders or anything of the kind before video games were even invented then ? My knowledge of history must be wrong 🙄
You realise how bloody stupid you sound with that statement yes ?

Not every current teen likes gaming. I know several who would be bored silly watching other people playing video games.

I also know adults who grew up without a TV and loved all the other stuff they did, and are now bringing up their own kids without a TV too. These are people who were teens in the 99s so most of their friends did have TVs.

Personally I have some sympathy for the Mum. I really don't like parties with unlimited crap food on offer for kids. In this scenario I would have accepted it on the night without saying anything, but might decline future invitations depending on whether DC enjoyed it or not. In the OPs position, I probably wouldn't invite again to nights when I knew it was going to be based on screen time, as I wouldn't want to put them in that position again. But otherwise I would invite them and make more effort to have healthier food options, just as I would for all my guests' eating requirements.

Maybe next time there’s a big gathering, ask the parents to bring over some board games or something. Give the kids a few packs of cards and a card game book as the skills of playing cards are being forgotten.

God she sounds like a bore can’t people just relax over the summer holidays a bit

1. The food was BBQ plus people brought stuff to share. There were salads and fruit as well as cakes and ice cream. Just help yourself to whatever, it never crossed my mind that any of it should be micro dosed.
2. if anybody has special dietary restrictions, like allergies or diabetic - they usually warn beforehand. This family did not.
3. Kids find Xbox more exciting than cards or board games.

I'm honestly confused. Either these friends were "party poopers" or we were "bad example".

I think it’s easier to be friends with people
roughly on your wavelength when socialising with kids. Some of my friends are appalled at the behaviour of some of my friends socially (kids running amok
etc) but the kids have had an amazing time. We live quite rurally and so there are some fun parties or beach hang outs.

I wish more parents were like the woman.

This a group of kids of varied ages who don't appear to be all friends.

And honestly, I am 42 and grew up on the same street as my 15 cousins. From 2 years younger than me to 12 years older. When we were all at my traditional the mega drive and NES were a god send. Something we could all do. Take turns and even chat and laugh and enjoy being with each other. It's some of my happiest memories.

We would also spend plenty of the summer outside as well.

The whole 'I feel sorry for kids on screenshot really strange. They are still interacting and socialising and chatting with a mix of kids and a mix of ages. And it was for a few hours one day.