How the fuck did people do this before the pandemic

[BluPeony]

Last year I had my first DC. I took my full year of maternity leave and added on a month of annual leave and I have enough left that I'm working 4 days/week until basically the end of the year.

There was a requirement for us to be in the office 1 day per week, now up to 2 days. It'll likely go up to 3 days by the end of the year. I don't know if they'll build up to full time because they're being very cagey and vague and actually we've recruited so many people that there aren't enough desks for everyone and before the pandemic the company was trialling loosening the office/WFH balance so that it didn't have to move into a larger office and pay more rent.

But anyway. My commute is 70-90 mins door to door. I go in on Mondays because it's a bit quieter on public transport and it's my partner's day off to look after the baby so I feel okay about being so far away.

I've been trying to decide which other day to go in and it's just shit no matter which way you look at it. I would have to drop my baby off at nursery when they open at 8am on the dot and I'll still be in the office after 9am - so I'm screwed if anyone puts in a 9am or early meeting. I'd have to leave work early to make sure I can pick him up when they close at 6 and I'd still be in deficit with my hours and would need to make the time up somewhere. My partner can't do the nursery runs because he has compressed his hours to allow him to be at home on Mondays and he doesn't have an option to WFH.

We're discussing one of us going part time, etc etc to try and make this work but it got me wondering how on earth people did this before/do this now if they can't work from home - do you just only see your baby at the weekend?? Do you work part time? Give up work? What about maternity pay if you want another baby?

I'm exhausted. I hate going in to sit at my desk on a Teams call with other people at their desks. I hate that I'm missing out on so much with my baby. I feel like I'm becoming a shittier mum with a short temper because of the stress and tiredness. I was just getting into the swing of things before I went back. I'm feeling very sorry for myself tonight and not looking forward to my commute tomorrow at all.

I'm very pleased I didn't cut down my hours (aside from a short period of time) in a work environment that wasn't supportive (25 years ago), nor give up my job.
I have been divorced for some years now and am thankful that the salary allowed me to buy ex out of the home and raise 2 boys pretty much single-handedly.

Your choices:

Find a nursery or child minder closer to your work or your husband's work.

Find a childminder with flexible hours close to home.

Find another job that eliminates or greatly shortens the commute. Your current commute is daft even without a baby.

Move house.

Yes, working from home would be the ideal solution, but sadly there are employers out there who like to see their minions jump through hoops to combine work and family life and lead miserable lives just because they can make them live like that.

"Your current commute is daft even without a baby."

It's a very typical 'suburb to a London office' commute (OP has confirmed she is in London. There are swathes and swathes of people with commutes like that.

I became a stay at home mum.. Then the mortgage rates went up to 17%. We survived on second hand, charity shop and cast offs! I worked part time as a child minder to avoid us losing the house. Then, when the children were old enough, I went back into teaching.

Can you flex your time spent working in the office on days in the office? If you have decent phone signal you can get quite a bit done if you regularly get a seat on the train. I usually do early or late shifts (I’m not a shift worker, it’s just flexing hours!) on days both me and my husband have to commute and I use the train time to email and write decks quietly. It adds up to quite a bit extra.

You’re still present, and then just need to request meetings only in core hours.

Not always. I know plenty of people who work FT with long commutes who don't have family nearby. They pay for a nursery nearer work.

In which case honestly I'd just try to get pregnant ASAP and take up the place in January while on maternity leave.

We didn't live 70-90 minutes away from work!

I did :)

I worked 20hrs over 2 nights Sun/Mon, put DS to bed and then worked 10pm - 6am, get him up for school and then go to bed. DH worked 3 nights, 30hrs Tues/Wed/Thurs, so we both had Fri/Sat off. Might not work for everyone, but worked for us.

It's exhausting. We picked a nursery close to work rather than close to home. Otherwise we'd have had to reduce our hours and I'm not sure that would have been possible.

I skipped lunch so I could leave early and get to nurse dry pick up on time. Even then it was cutting it fine 😬🙈😬 Thankfully I worked part time. I still remember my old boss trying to move my office when I came back from May leave. He said "in your contract you can work an hour drive from home". I live in Devon an hour on a map is more like 2 hours. Impossible to get to work on time with nursery hours. I work from home now as it became very difficult.

How did we do it , you ask? Well , my husband was forces so away a lot so I was really a single mum. I took low paid part time work and my money went on crèche then nursery then childminders either side of school ( we only had the child allowance and no other supplements and no family nearby) Then 12 years later, when I thought all was getting easier , I had my daughter so my husband and I had an agreement . By this time my husband was nearing the end of his time in the forces (still only child allowance and the added fun of a mortgage) We agreed that I’d work part time till she started school and then , as he was working locally , I could go full time and he’d be responsible for childcare . Luckily , my son also stepped in for childminder ,nursery and school pick ups. It wasn’t easy but we coped. Oh also summer schools were a godsend.

As a solo mum it was hard 8am-6pm. I got permission to work from home two days a week at some point - pre pandemic I worked from home often for years.

i know people that use child minders to do drop off and or pick up

My husband worked near home while I was commuting. I’d be on a train at 6am and home at 9.30pm three days a week, and in the office doing shorter hours for the other two days. When we got to four children we set up a business and did consultancy work so the hours were more flexible. If he went away for a few months then I’d work at home; if I worked away, he would stay home. When they got older, we made up our hours by working at nursery/ school time, then taking the evening off, and working again when they went to bed.

We would never be able to commute that far. It would have made life hell.

After being a SAHM I had to get a ft job as DH salary was tiny. Part time jobs weren't available then. I got a job 15 minutes walk from home and a lovely childminder a 40 minute walk away. I walked there and back dropping DS off at 7.45am, then walked back to home, quick cuppa then to work by 9am.

Neither me or DP have any option to WFH and have similar commute times to you. We have no family nearby. We're just going to have to make it work so count yourself lucky you have some WFH!

son hardly slept tbh and I did all night feeds /changes etc. DH was up and out before I left in morning so I would get son up, do his bag for childminder, lunchbox, breakfast box and get him to the childminder. Then get to station, train to London, full day etc. Hope the trains were running ok and get home in time to make dinner, bath and bed. TBH I look back at it now and wonder how I did it. I still have guilt that I wasn’t there more for my son. It was shit

I had to get 8-6 childcare near my work. You could try and work a shorter day on the one extra day you go to the office and then make the time up on the days you wfh? Alternatively could you pay a nanny to collect or drop off to help you.

Similar position my dc has been in nursery since nine months and I worked part time, 3 days a week while. I am going back to fulltime in September when he starts pre school attatched to the primary school- yes things do get easier and abit cheaper! Just hang in there- could you log in to work early in the mornings, do abit of work then the nursery run. That way you’re not losing out on hours

@Thepottingshed I think there are pros and cons. School is an absolute nightmare for needing to be at assembly/sports match/other event at 2pm so that’s a real challenge. And my heart always breaks for the kids who have nobody there because let’s face it, it’s impossible in many jobs to be at school for 2pm. And then you’ve got the reading practice, homework etc.

But on the flip side, older kids stay up later so you don’t have to be home at 5 to feel that you’ve had any time with them. And I think the older children are less demanding of infinite patience and physical needs. They are much more independent. It’s a different challenge.

OP please don’t be fooled into thinking everyone else has got it sorted. They really haven’t. And remember your huge worth to your company. I think many women sell themselves massively short because they feel guilty at leaving a few minutes early even if they work much harder whilst at work.

I feel for you OP, I’ve been to many countries, lived in two, I have multiple friends/cousins all over the world with small kids, and I have never come across a more difficult environment to raise young kids in the developed world than the UK. You can try to request flexible working hours based on the new recent law, or go part-time, something’s gotta give. Good luck.

Yes it was difficult juggling it all. I have to go out, education, but DH can wfh a few days a week. Those drop offs at nursery weren't easy, same with breakfast club. It's hard when you have to do a long commute and both working FT. We realised this and I went PT, 3 to 4 days a week and it helped so much. Xx

We both worked part time as both really wanted to care for our child and don't believe that this and domestic life is 'women's work'. It has come at a cost though - we didn't pay off the mortgage until we retired and our pensions are smaller than they otherwise would have been.