How the fuck did people do this before the pandemic

[BluPeony]

Last year I had my first DC. I took my full year of maternity leave and added on a month of annual leave and I have enough left that I'm working 4 days/week until basically the end of the year.

There was a requirement for us to be in the office 1 day per week, now up to 2 days. It'll likely go up to 3 days by the end of the year. I don't know if they'll build up to full time because they're being very cagey and vague and actually we've recruited so many people that there aren't enough desks for everyone and before the pandemic the company was trialling loosening the office/WFH balance so that it didn't have to move into a larger office and pay more rent.

But anyway. My commute is 70-90 mins door to door. I go in on Mondays because it's a bit quieter on public transport and it's my partner's day off to look after the baby so I feel okay about being so far away.

I've been trying to decide which other day to go in and it's just shit no matter which way you look at it. I would have to drop my baby off at nursery when they open at 8am on the dot and I'll still be in the office after 9am - so I'm screwed if anyone puts in a 9am or early meeting. I'd have to leave work early to make sure I can pick him up when they close at 6 and I'd still be in deficit with my hours and would need to make the time up somewhere. My partner can't do the nursery runs because he has compressed his hours to allow him to be at home on Mondays and he doesn't have an option to WFH.

We're discussing one of us going part time, etc etc to try and make this work but it got me wondering how on earth people did this before/do this now if they can't work from home - do you just only see your baby at the weekend?? Do you work part time? Give up work? What about maternity pay if you want another baby?

I'm exhausted. I hate going in to sit at my desk on a Teams call with other people at their desks. I hate that I'm missing out on so much with my baby. I feel like I'm becoming a shittier mum with a short temper because of the stress and tiredness. I was just getting into the swing of things before I went back. I'm feeling very sorry for myself tonight and not looking forward to my commute tomorrow at all.

This!

Having children and needing to both work full time, paying a huge chunk of your wage on nursery fees and without family support is the road to burnout and a worse quality of life.

After 12 months of maternity leave I made the choice of giving up my career so I could watch my little one grow up.
Other parents I know who do work place thwir babies in nursery from 7.30am and pick up at 6pm. But most people I know don't have that long of a commute! The commute you do is too long even without a baby for most of us.
Also ....there's a chunk of people who use their parents and siblings to help out each week with regular babysitting.

I had intended on giving up work until they started school......but then they went to school and I found that even if I went back to work, they have 6 weeks off in summer, a week in Feb, 3 weeks for Easter, a week in may, 2 weeks in October and just under 2 weeks in December. Plus there's all their sick days ....and work wouldn't allow most of my parent friends to attend their sports day and special days they hold at school so I've no regret seeing a stay at home parent throughout his primary school days.

We paid additionally so that ours started nursery at 7.30am. We dropped off at that time and my partner picked up at just before 6pm. That was just the way it had to be so we could still pay our mortgage and bills.

I didn't have a long commute and I was lucky to have a subsidised workplace nursery, if not, I would have worked very part time

I left early, before DS was up, and got back early (I worked 8-5 in the office but picked up the slack in the evenings when I needed to). DH dropped off, got in later and left when he needed to. I came home and did dinner and bath time. It was brutal.

Most people pre pandemic worked full time, compressed hours, part time etc ...working from home was a rarity and often a privilege. People seem to just think if it as a right now. You choose where you live, you choose how many children you have. I worked 4 days a week, 12 hours a day. No help with childcare from family. Wrap around school care...friends...it was the norm.

In your case you would drop a few hours to enable the nursery pick ups / drop off's or find a nursery that allowed earlier drop off 's / later pick ups. If you started work at 9 you were expected to be at your desk for 9.

I also work in healthcare but luckily community based and near to home/DC school so can drop at school get to work on time and finish before school finishes. When they were babies they went to a childminder and still do in the holidays, it was very hard when they were babies as only 17 months between them but being organised helped . Now they are a bit older going back to work has allowed me to just about complete my nursing degree (finish October) and fingers crossed I will get something in the community again part time. DH works away a lot

I worked part-time and literally sold things to make sure we could eat by the end of the month. Sold all my stuff over the course of about 18 months and I had to go back to work when my dc1 was 3 months old as I found out I was pregnant the first week of a new job and that was the rules then and I wasn't entitled to any longer. It was shit. Partner worked an hour and a half's drive away and did 3 or 4 lates a week. I was incredibly lucky as I had help looking after my dc from my parents. Without them I'd have had to give up work and I don't know what we'd have done.

I did this before the pandemic. Three or even four days a week and a 90-minute commute. Had been doing it comfortably before DC for years and found it painful but manageable when they were small.

I used to get up at 5:30, put my clothes on and leave the house without eating or showering. That way I could be there before 7:30, have breakfast at work (shower the night before), and at least be all over the early meetings. I then left at 3 to be at the nursery by 4:30/5. DH took them to nursery around 10 so it wasn't too long a day. But by the time he came in at 8 I was pretty tired!

The problem arose when they started school. Too many events at school where I needed to be present (the assembly where your child gets an award at 9:30 and you're told the day before, plays, sports days...). Lack of decent after-school care (hard to book and closed at 5).
Their desire to go home at home time, which seemed perfectly reasonable to me. And, most of all, the school holidays. Couldn't face forcing them to do the low-quality sports-based options near us that happened to run until 5 or 6.

We moved when they had been at primary for a couple of years and now I live very close to work!

Oddly it is still harder (eg now, summer holidays starting) than when they were at nursery.

You have my sympathy op. I agree with op who said the idea of expecting two parents to work full time with young kids is ridiculous and imo it shouldn’t be the norm. My friends who do this have huge amounts of childcare- nursery 7-6:30 sort of hours. I went back to work part time 2.5 days a week but even that was a struggle and I didn’t feel ok with it so I took voluntary redundancy when that was offered to anyone who wanted it so I jumped. Been off work for almost a year now, DS is 2.5. He still goes to nursery 2.5 days a week. From September he will be going a few more hours so I will have some time to organise a return to work in another career. It’s very hard to work full time and have young children- I know many many women who are totally burnt out, depressed, very unhappy. You have to do what you feel ok with and what works for you. Best of luck xx

We did staggered days - meaning I dealt with children in the mornings and dropped off the second nursery opened, then went to work. DH started work early to be able to pick them up and do the evening.

it was, frankly, rubbish. Modern life is not geared towards families.

Pre pandemic, I dropped to working 3 days a week, but longer days 7-4.30)

DH would drop DC at nursery for 7.30am and we both commented around 60 mins (opposite durections). I would pick up at 6pm.

No family help, children poor sleepers.

We survived, not thrived, during that time- even with me working PT.

Post pandemic, Dh retrained and now wfh in IT ( company based in London-5 hour commute and no possible pre wfh) - game changer for school pick ups. My job now allows 1 day wfh, which was unheard of pre pandemic.

Everything costs damn site post pandemic though and wages haven't risen. ..

Didn’t have a 90 min commute! That’s 99% of the issue, we’ve kept commute under 20 mins (cycling!) to help with quality of life.
Ive worked time pre and post covid with kids (anywhere between 22 and 32 hours/week). Found a job that allowed me flexible hours around kids- I work set shifts but have negotiated 8:30-2:30 two days for example so DH does drop off and I collect.
Long story short- adjusted work to fit around the kids rather than vice versa. Still love my job and still progressing in career so wasn’t in vain!

I worked part time. But we couldn't afford it so have spent a long time paying debt off. It's shit.

Reading this thread is giving me PTSD!! The short answer is, it was bloody hard work…. We both worked full time in high stress jobs that involved a lot of travel, long commutes on office days and no family support. We chose a nursery that was 40 mins from home / 60 mins from my office and basically spent the first 2 years juggling. DH & I used to send each other calendar invites to show when we could / couldn’t do the nursery run and on more than one occasion at work I had to leave a meeting to make sure I had dropped DS off and not left him in the car (Iuckily, I never had).

To be honest looking back, I’m not sure how we survived it! We moved house when he was 3 and I changed roles to a position where I could work from home more (11 years ago) which made a huge difference to our quality of life.

One of the good things about a workplace nursery is you can often salary sacrifice the whole bill (depending on how it is run) which makes the financials a bit more viable.

Commute wise, it was easy, a train and then walk (although DP used to take the tube I think). Usually got a seat but if not asked for one, and if the babies had to be fed I just did it.

A sweaty tube ride with lots of changes might have been more tricky.

My nursery was open 8-6pm like yours and we both had commutes of a similar distance. It’s for a very short amount of time in the great scheme of things. We divided mornings and evenings between us basically - no compression of hours allowed this but only just.
Zoom hasn’t changed that much in that I was always on the phone to clients, international offices and others - Covid didn’t change that much for many. You still needed to be in physically though five times a week.
I think you are fortunate to have 2 days in office/3 at home as so many don’t, even professional people like medics but many more: police, shopkeepers, carers, etc.

We paid a nanny what DH was earning. When they went to school, we did shifts. I’d go into work super early so that I could pick up from the after school club, and DH used to drop off at school. We were living in Milton Keynes and working in London. So when a child was ill and we got a call from the school, they just had to hang onto her for at least an hour and a half until one of us could get there. DH then managed to get a job locally, which made life a bit easier.

It's exhausting I agree, I dropped hours to 30 over 5 days to cope 💐

I love 5 minute drive from work, drop kids at nursery at 8am, work until 5:30 pick them up at 5:35. I couldn’t imagine a commute of over an hour, can’t you move closer to work or get a job closer to home?

I made an active decision when I was in my early 20s not to work in London/south east. It had career implications but ultimately I'm glad I live a more provincial life. Huge commutes are the norm for a lot of people but equally there are vast parts of the country where anything over an hour would be virtually unheard of. I used to do 40 minutes and that was considered a long way. I also didn't even consider staying full time. Like a lot of couples I know, partner and I both dropped to 4 days (not compressed hours). Working full time with a long commute must be exhausting and it's difficult to make big changes to make it easier. Sorry you're finding it rough OP.

OP - I'd urge you to go part time. Enjoy your baby, then enjoy them as a toddler, preschooler. Why burn yourself out and put your child in nursery for long hours unless you really need to?

I just couldn’t but I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave my baby that long in nursery so we bought propierty DH could afford alone. I was a sahm until nursery started at 3 then worked part time until school. Yes I sacrificed career gains but do t regret it one bit .You don’t regret not working harder on your death bed. I realise it’s not always possible so see what you can do in your situation. I wish you luck but follow your gut.

I have been thinking about this too, but more the commuting to London 5 days per week. We did similar to others on this thread:

• I got a job closer to home that is family friendlier, or at least there were other colleagues with similar aged DC
• I worked 4 days per week
• Took 1 year mat leave
• Had the DC close together to have the nursery years in one chunk
• Chose nursery next to workplace
• On some days DH and I staggered our start times

On the positive side all meals were provided by childcare, and we didn’t have to spend much time tidying and cleaning. Agree with the PPs that nursery was easier as it was just a block of time - school got trickier with all the assemblies etc. The hardest thing about the nursery days pre the WFH option was when they were sick and you had to take annual leave and reschedule a load of meetings.