How the fuck did people do this before the pandemic

[BluPeony]

Last year I had my first DC. I took my full year of maternity leave and added on a month of annual leave and I have enough left that I'm working 4 days/week until basically the end of the year.

There was a requirement for us to be in the office 1 day per week, now up to 2 days. It'll likely go up to 3 days by the end of the year. I don't know if they'll build up to full time because they're being very cagey and vague and actually we've recruited so many people that there aren't enough desks for everyone and before the pandemic the company was trialling loosening the office/WFH balance so that it didn't have to move into a larger office and pay more rent.

But anyway. My commute is 70-90 mins door to door. I go in on Mondays because it's a bit quieter on public transport and it's my partner's day off to look after the baby so I feel okay about being so far away.

I've been trying to decide which other day to go in and it's just shit no matter which way you look at it. I would have to drop my baby off at nursery when they open at 8am on the dot and I'll still be in the office after 9am - so I'm screwed if anyone puts in a 9am or early meeting. I'd have to leave work early to make sure I can pick him up when they close at 6 and I'd still be in deficit with my hours and would need to make the time up somewhere. My partner can't do the nursery runs because he has compressed his hours to allow him to be at home on Mondays and he doesn't have an option to WFH.

We're discussing one of us going part time, etc etc to try and make this work but it got me wondering how on earth people did this before/do this now if they can't work from home - do you just only see your baby at the weekend?? Do you work part time? Give up work? What about maternity pay if you want another baby?

I'm exhausted. I hate going in to sit at my desk on a Teams call with other people at their desks. I hate that I'm missing out on so much with my baby. I feel like I'm becoming a shittier mum with a short temper because of the stress and tiredness. I was just getting into the swing of things before I went back. I'm feeling very sorry for myself tonight and not looking forward to my commute tomorrow at all.

30 years ago. It was very difficult!
Had no choice but to go back full time - part time was not an option my employer offered and there was no obligation for them to do so. Baby was 6 months old.
Nursery had to be close to home as I had no car and couldn't afford to run one as nursery fees were bleeding us dry. Drop off was 8.00am at the earliest and I then had a 40 -45 minute commute on public transport. Pick up was 6.00pm at the latest, otherwise you were fined, so I had to leave on the dot of 5.00pm to have any chance of picking her up on time, which didn't go down well at work.
Baby never slept through until she was 2, so we were permanently exhausted with disturbed nights.
I had to do all drop offs AND pick ups as DH worked long 12 hour days and often worked away as well.
After deduction of nursery fees and associated expenses, we calculated I was working full time (35 hours, + commuting) for the grand total of £25 per week. I don't know how we did it.
Would I do it again? No, which explains why we only had the one child.
The only real upside was my pension didn't suffer and my earning potential was unaffected by a career break, so it did pay dividends as our child got older.

Threads like this make me glad I've always had "a job rather than a career"....I dropped down to two days a week at first and then got a job doing evenings and weekends. The money is shit but the work / life balance is amazing.

i did a long commute for 3 months full time until i got a more local and part time job

@Neurodiversitydoctor Learning Support Assistant = Teaching Assistant

Your issue is the commute, not the working onsite rather than from home.

FWIW when I was doing it, it was the people with long commutes that really struggled. It was a layer of stress too much. Figure that out I say because this problem will remain when you get to school age, and actually get worse likely. It's not a failing on your part, that's a very long commute.

Fifteen years ago, there was a push to stop young women from pursuing Hair and Beauty courses and nudging them instead toward engineering and coding.
I wondered at the time if those girls might not be rather more expert in what life had in store for them than the civil servants.
Cutting hair or putting in low-lights - as with a variety of jobs - can be done, flexibly in your kitchen, for cash while juggling childcare. On-site technology roles less so.

That XH forced me to have a 70-90 min commute destroyed our marriage. Can you shorten it considerably? If you don’t have nearby family support, nothing will be worth more than family time

Plenty did

First I agreed with work that my office hours would be 9-5 so I could do drop offs and pick ups every day. My DH worked overseas Monday - Friday so I was doing it alone. My child was in nursery from when it opened at 7:30 to just before it closed at 6:30, and so really we spent time together at the weekend. It wasn't that tenable, so...

Then I moved closer to the office to give me more wriggle room.

Then I hired a nanny.

It was exhausting and I sleep trained my children from birth so that I could log on and start work again at 7:10 each night. The good thing about working FT and earning well was I didn't do any cleaning or laundry at the weekend as I outsourced all that stuff.

Use a childminder they're usually open 7:40-6

In the 1960's for many women, getting married would have changed your contract of employment to your detriment.
There may have been exceptions in law, medicine, parliament and universities, but lots of women found careers effectively curtailed.
Dame Steve Shirley built a big business based on employer prejudice against mothers - she renamed herself Steve because Stephanie wasn't taken seriously.

I think classism too prevented a lot of women from pursuing certain career paths. I grew up being told and believing that if you didn't work in an office you were a failure. It was ridiculous. I ended up doing a crappy admin job...which is the worst of both worlds. Not enough money to throw money at your logistical problems yet it was the sort of job which expected you in every day with no flexibility. Hairdressing would indeed have been a better option.

i had to drop ds at the childminder at 6.45 am to catch the train,
dh picked up about 5.30
expensive as well as exhausting.

I worked 4 days a week. My commute was 30 mins from nursery door. Had some grandparent help. It was tough even with that!

Gold plated childcare from an amazing childminder. Nursery would have been a disaster on the odd occasion when the trains were stuffed. Paid what felt like silly money but well worth it as neither DH nor I was willing to be a SAHP. (My mental health took a battering on maternity leave). Still using the same childminder 11 years later…

Jesus Christ I salute you for that commute before you changed jobs. I would never have been able to handle this even one week!!!

Oh and the other thing I did, OP, was make friends at nursery and school. If you’ve got a friend willing to stand outside the nursery for ten minutes with your kid and theirs, because the train has inexplicably decided to stop outside the station for 20 mins, then you can save yourself some late fees (of course, return the favour if they ever need it!)

Part time or had a job close to home.

No choice.

Yes we did exactly the same. I worked nights/ evenings/ weekends and dh worked 9-5. We did this for years. I appreciate not everyone has a career that they can work this way though.

I worked full time from When my daughter was 6 months old as I was the main earner and needed to get back to work. She was at a child minder and then in nursery from 7.30 am each day til 6 5 days a week. It was bloody hard going! When she was 5 my cirmcumstances changed and I was able to change my job to work in a school where I then retrained to teach, that worked much better around my daughter as she went to the school I worked in while she was small. Those early days were hard work but I did find a routine and a rhythm and to be honest there was no alternative at the time so I had to get on with it.

Something that I did and I'm so thankful I did was work my backside off for a few years but in an industry where I could do this flexibly. I ended up single after having dc1 so I had to make a decision to change career completely. I worked part time through the day and then worked through the night to catch up and study. It meant I slept very little. It was absolutely exhausting but it meant I got to be there for my dc1 and now I have two dc I am able to work flex and part time but still being in a decent wage. I work much less these dh yet earn much more. It wasn't easy but the pay off was worth it. I feel I didn't miss out on time with dc1 as I was working when she was asleep and she only went to childcare a couple of days a week.
Now my 2 dc go to wrap around 1 evening a week. I do all drop offs at school time and all but two pick ups. Dh works full time but does 1 after school pick up.
When dc were little they went to childcare two days a week and the rest of the time I worked when dh got home. Again exhausting but I made it work so I could spend max time with dc.

Basically the options are dc in childcare 7-6 or at some point someone is going to have to change career or get demoted or whatever. My commute is long now but when dc were in nursery I worked closer to home for less money. Now I work my hours in various ways. I choose to retrain in a job that I knew had this option

but it got me wondering how on earth people did this before/do this now if they can't work from home - do you just only see your baby at the weekend??

Even if you are wfh, your baby will be in childcare so it doesn't make a huge difference. Your commute is the killer, but it sounds like your nursery is near your home rather than work so maybe a shorter day for your child?

And yes, it did sometimes feel the quality time with my children was at the w/e.
I think that's the case for many, many families now, where more households need to have 2 working parents in order to make ends meet.

I wonder if we'll see more people stay living near their family. Among my professional peers barely anyone lives near their family ie. has no help/support from them.

Your main problem is the time your commute takes, but both parents working full time with young children is always difficult, stressful and incredibly demanding. In your situation I would make a case for more WFH days (not unreasonable if there are not enough desks!), or go part time (reducing your hours enough to do nursery drop offs and pick ups) and look for a job nearer home. The situation as you describe it is not sustainable, unless you can afford a nanny.

All my jobs pre Covid were M-f 9-5 in office.

I was on my own so was limited to applying for jobs where I could drop off at nursery at 8am and get back to the nursery by 9am.

You adapt where you work, where you live and what nursery you pick to make it all work together.

There were times when I lived near work but had to travel some distance in the opposite direction to nursery to then go back to work.

I assumed I'd have to pay for full time childcare to work full time.

Between the 2 of you you just need to divide up the 8ams & 6pms through the week.

It's still only 50 hours out of a 144 hour week. I still had all evening and all weekends with DCs.