How the fuck did people do this before the pandemic

[BluPeony]

Last year I had my first DC. I took my full year of maternity leave and added on a month of annual leave and I have enough left that I'm working 4 days/week until basically the end of the year.

There was a requirement for us to be in the office 1 day per week, now up to 2 days. It'll likely go up to 3 days by the end of the year. I don't know if they'll build up to full time because they're being very cagey and vague and actually we've recruited so many people that there aren't enough desks for everyone and before the pandemic the company was trialling loosening the office/WFH balance so that it didn't have to move into a larger office and pay more rent.

But anyway. My commute is 70-90 mins door to door. I go in on Mondays because it's a bit quieter on public transport and it's my partner's day off to look after the baby so I feel okay about being so far away.

I've been trying to decide which other day to go in and it's just shit no matter which way you look at it. I would have to drop my baby off at nursery when they open at 8am on the dot and I'll still be in the office after 9am - so I'm screwed if anyone puts in a 9am or early meeting. I'd have to leave work early to make sure I can pick him up when they close at 6 and I'd still be in deficit with my hours and would need to make the time up somewhere. My partner can't do the nursery runs because he has compressed his hours to allow him to be at home on Mondays and he doesn't have an option to WFH.

We're discussing one of us going part time, etc etc to try and make this work but it got me wondering how on earth people did this before/do this now if they can't work from home - do you just only see your baby at the weekend?? Do you work part time? Give up work? What about maternity pay if you want another baby?

I'm exhausted. I hate going in to sit at my desk on a Teams call with other people at their desks. I hate that I'm missing out on so much with my baby. I feel like I'm becoming a shittier mum with a short temper because of the stress and tiredness. I was just getting into the swing of things before I went back. I'm feeling very sorry for myself tonight and not looking forward to my commute tomorrow at all.

@Sheelanogig

My mum said the same exact thing — that she felt like she was letting everybody down.
But we (the kids) never felt like that — we always felt loved and cared for and nurtured.
And I’ll bet if you asked them, your kids would say exactly the same thing.
Put down that 10 stone bag of guilt that mums are famous for carrying around and give yourself credit for keeping your family fed and warm and happy and safe and loved. ❤️

I’ve often thought the same OP! DD was born in 2021 and when she went to nursery, and office work increased we ended up leaving London so get jobs that worked better for family. I now wfh 100% but in a demanding job. DC are dropped at nursery around 7am so I can start early and picked up around 5.30-6.

It’s unusual here for both parents to work full time as long hours nursery care is expensive. Our DC are always there first and leave last. It’s hard.

That said, I manage a team of 10 and most are parents. I’m endlessly flexible with them all - start / finish hours for childcare and they all wfh/ compressed hours/ flexible working. Our company is quite family focused for a large corporate and I aim to be extra mindful of accommodating individual circumstances. Not just parents but everyone’s outside lives. As a result, my team is very loyal and hardworking and I think they value the flexibility.

@Happyhappyday - you don't need to quote the op's post to give an answer. It is assumed you are replying to her. Imagine how long the thread would be if everyone quoted the OP every time!

You change jobs so you’re closer to home, or you move closer to work.

When I had that length of commute pre-kids I was EXHAUSTED (would sometimes fall asleep on the train home - luckily I lived at the end of the line and some kind soul would usually wake me! - and did a lot of catching up on sleep at the weekends). I saw families doing as described on this thread - commuting at 7am with a tiny one so as to drop them off at a nursery near work - and knew I didn’t want that.

SO we actually both got new jobs and moved close to them prior to having kids. We are very fortunate that my husband can work flexibly: he goes to the office 2-3 days a week (and even then it’s only a 15 minute walk) and WFH the rest of the time so he can do random chores at home in between meetings. He drops off our 5yo at school every day and drops off our 1yo at nursery 3 days a week. I drop off the 1yo on the other 2 days and I do almost all the pick ups. My commute is now only a 20 minute bike ride away and I have kiddy seats on the bike so it’s a total transformation.

As others have said, there are ways of handling what you describe. When my husband is abroad for work I drop off the 1yo at 7.30 on the dot…the second the nursery doors open. Then I run the big one to school if I am only starting at 9.15 (teacher, so no WFH for me), or if I have an 8.30 start, I drop off my eldest at a classmate’s house. So there are ways and means BUT I would not recommend a 90 minute commute plus kids plus FT work for either parent. Something has to give.

Im considering this! Can i ask how old were DC when you retrained? And did you find it managing to do teacher training with kids? I've heard it's very intense.

We both adjusted our hours I started and finished early and DH started and finished late
No way I would have allowed my career to be sidelined

It's awful. We both work full time out of the house with no family help. Can't afford to go part time. I'm the main breadwinner in an extremely intense career. I do drop off
and my partner does pickup.

I feel like I'm failing and shouldn't have had children.

I suggest making a formal flexible working request to keep yourself at just one in office day a week (Monday) due to childcare arrangements.

Especially since they're being vague about the plans to get you back in, and the reasoning.

Formalise the arrangement and you'll be untouched by the others.

You may choose to go in more as your child grows up, but for right now..you don't need the stress.
Unless they have a good reason, they don't need you in the office.

Compressed hours only works if the other person can do all of the nursery drop offs and pickups. In your case it doesn’t work. So you need to scrap that. You either need one of you to work part time or you need to accept full time nursery.

Also, your commute is far too long. You need to either live nearer to work or work nearer to home.

This, the other trick is to return ft but pregnant (age gap of less than 2 years) so you only have to do it for a few months- then pt.

I went part time and worked either a night shift or weekends, nursing so this was a feasible option. We had to live within our means though and things were tight but it just doesn’t make sense to have all that stress and juggling to earn money to pay out on nursery fees !? can u not go PT, change job etc ?

It is easier if one does the drop off and the other the pick up so that you each have flexibility at one end of your day. As other posters have said, you will get into a rhythm with it.

I can walk to work and there's a nursery in site. It's the commute that's killing you.

I changed my hours to work non-fri 8:00-3:00, so I could drop off before school then pick up. I then changed my job which required overnight stays, so grandparents would drop off and dp would pick up (dp left for work at 5am so couldn't drop off). It was a massive juggling act and required a village!

Lots of people can't work from home, people without family helping with childcare seem to go part time.

Had a 70-90 minute commute depending on traffic. Got to childcare pickup scraping six pm and usually got fined. Then arranged with work to take shorter lunch breaks so left at 4.30, but was still constantly rushing to beat traffic. Child fell asleep in the car and put straight to bed, or sometimes had a snack then bed. It was horrendous and everyone did it. I was completely burnt out. At 16 months old the pandemic hit - best thing to have happened to us.

My employer now states two days in the office but everyone simply ignores this and does what works for them. Suggest you try that and see if anyone makes a fuss. If challenged put in a flexible working request - they need to accommodate your situation, suspect it's discrimination if they don't.

People wouldn't normally apply for jobs that are so far away. It's not do-able really. You can ask for flexible working, or apply for something nearer to home.

This so beautifully written I expect my children are a similar age to yours. I had a similar Nivarna moment when I finally got a job with a 7 min ( count them 7) drive for a commute with the primary school equidistant from home and work. I have done the 90 minute commute but only ever 3 days a week.

Agree with others put in a flexible working request and get your DH to do so as well.

No helpful advice from me but a whole lot of empathy as I'm in a similar position. We have 2 kids and both work full time with no family nearby so no grandparents to chip in etc. I commute into the office 3 days each week (tue/wed/thur) and it's a 3.5 hour round trip. I dop both kids off at daycare and before-school care at 7am then get the bus in. At my desk by 8.45 and then I have to leave by 4.20pm to get back to daycare in time for closing at 6pm. Husband does after school pick up and any activities for the older one (swimming lessons etc). I usually make up a couple of hours here and there either on the bus or after they go to bed. It's exhausting.

Anyone who wonders why we have a falling birth rate is going to be directed to this thread by me. I thought it was tough when we did it- this is seriously another level.

hand hold, it’s really really hard.
I had to drop my daughter off at 7am, wasn’t back until 6pm most nights, did this until she went to school (as was saving for a house) then I quit and got a job that worked better with school hours and was local, took a 17k pay cut but it was worth it and I got to see her more.
I cried a lot of those mornings on the way to work. By the time I got home, half the time was hoping she was tired so I didn’t have to play, because I was shattered, it was a really crap few years, we dedicated weekends to doing good things together and she doesn’t remember those early years at all now she’s 11.

Can you do two 4hr? (don't know how many hours/day you work) half days (instead of the second full day) say 10:00 till 16:00 with half hour lunch break, or skip break to leave a bit earlier. More commuting, but might work. Core hours we used to call it when we had flexible hours.

My partner and I had 90 mins commute each way. With DC1 I managed to get a day WFH which was unusual at the time. Partner went down to 4 days a week.

He started earlier than me so I did the nursery drop off, but he did the pick up as he finished earlier.

Grandparents took DD1 for an afternoon to help out.

Then DTs came along and it was just too much. Partner gave up work to become a SAHD.

When I was pg with ds I negotiated a part/time three day a week return. The quid pro quo was going back when he was 4 months but mat leave was only 6 months then.

We found a lovely day nursery that was open 8am until 6pm. I could just about get to work for 9am, 8.45am on a good day. If I left at 5pm I could get back for 6pm. It was hard.

DS got bronchiolitis at five months, pneumonia at six months, and wheezed for the next seven years. The ear infections started at nine months and chicken pox at ten months made him very poorly. I resigned when he was twelve months (three months notice). Neither he nor I looked back and his health improved immensely. I had the next seven years at home.

It was bad enough with a 45 minute commute. My next job was a six minute commute, part-time but for less than 20% of my former salary (no childcare costs as DC were at school). After two years I went full time and we got an au-pair.

Probably cost about £1m in list earnings but was worth every penny.

My rule of thumb was that I would never commute more than 45 minutes. I turned down at least three jobs in Canary Wharf in the late 80s/early 90s before transport links were adequate.