Got judged in a shop

[Cobweb121]

Hey there. I was at a local supermarket today and my 3-year-old son was with me. I never like taking him shopping as he doesn’t listen and has lots of energy and can be quite unruly. It’s just usually more trouble than its worth.
Anyway, he went running to the end of an aisle and I shouted his name, maybe rather loudly as I was worried about him going out of my sight. Another woman was passing with her maybe 4/5-year-old sitting perfectly behaved in the trolley. Her child became startled by me calling his name, and she said to her daughter ‘I would NEVER shout at you like that’, with a really smug expression. I was a bit taken aback as I was just calling his name, not aggressively.
I have been under a lot of stress lately and my nervous system needs a break, but I didn’t think anything I did was wrong? It got me thinking, do I not talk to him in the correct manner? I don’t know. I called him about 4 times first before shouting his name. He really just doesn’t listen. It left me feeling like rubbish tbh and I’m here ruminating about it.

You know he doesn't listen

So reins or buggy till he can listen and do as told

What if was a main road and ran into it as ignores you shouting his name /stop

Did I tell you how I parented/my parenting methods? You just assume, assume, assume. I’m getting quite annoyed with the haughtiness from certain people on here.

My friend used to say SMOG (smug mothers of girls) and DMOB (defensive mothers of boys) So true! Just let it wash over you! 💞 Veteran mum of 3 boys here. 😂

Excellent response; it does feel very playground. They’re TELLING me what I do and don’t do when they know nothing about me. Thanks for your support; this has got me feeling exasperated 😊

Why is a 3 year old so far away from you that you have to yell their name? Put some reins on the child, put them in the trolley or hold their hand.

I know what you are doing. I know you are attempting to avoid toy aisles becsuse if you don’t you “have” to buy him something else he’ll scream.

I know you are actively avoid parenting him appropriately because he’ll scream.

I also know what you aren’t doing. I know you aren’t communicating effectively with him. I know you aren’t coregulating with him. I know you haven’t instilled any boundaries.

However you are responding (which I suspect is a passive “oh don’t run off jimmy”), it isn’t working.

All toddlers tantrum don’t they? I guess you can teach kids how to tantrum less but can’t avoid them all together

Most toddlers tantrum at some stage and to varying degrees. But that's not the point of your OP.

My toddler doesn't run far away enough from me that I have to shout after him in a supermarket. Would he like to? Yes of course he would, but I don't let him.

I avoid shopping with my son altogether where I can unless it's just for a few things as he likes to push the little trolleys or pull the wheeled baskets and help. But if I had no choice but to bring him for a big shop I would take him to the park beforehand and run the legs off of him so that he's tired out and happy to sit in the trolley with a banana or something. This is what I mean about staying ten steps ahead of them. You need to meet your child's needs and manage his wants. He needs to run and he wants to run in the supermarket. Let him run elsewhere first to burn of some steam then manage the want to run where he shouldn't by setting expectations and having something to occupy him in the trolley. Let him handle fruit and veg before it's put in the trolley to keep his interest, or give him a tricky snack like a tiny box of raisins to keep him occupied.

It's the same as parents who take their toddlers out to restaurants and expect them to behave. Some children are very content to do this, some need some managing behind the scenes. My child is too active. He sits a dream in cafes and restaurants but only because I make sure he's had hours at the park first or out on his bike and I bring a few books/sticker books etc to occupy him if need be. It takes lots of times doing this, meeting their needs and managing their wants to train and socialise them.

Maybe that’s why I raised my voice in the supermarket - so that it didn’t sound passive. Can’t win. What do you suggest if he crosses a boundary? A smack? Because he doesn’t agree or listen to potential consequences of his bad behaviour. Then I’d be judged because I smacked him.
I went to a cafe today with him, he sat on the floor. I told him to get up, tried reasoning, bribing, he would not get up. I carried him back to the table. This escalated in a tantrum/screaming. A man shook his head at me in anger and left the cafe. Should I have smacked him? Carried him out of the cafe even though we hadn’t finished eating? In the end he calmed down and we did a bit of shopping, which went better than the last time.
I appreciate advice; what I don’t like is the tone in which it’s given. I’m not one of your children that you’re trying to parent. You are assuming a hell of a lot and being quite rude with it.

Because he wanders off looking at things. He’ll hold my hand for a while but he’s very restless. Will sometimes sit in the actual trolley itself but that’s not ideal. Tries to climb out of the actual trolley seats. Hates the reins, he’d just be pulling against them the whole time.

This is so true. Whatever people say, boys and girls are of completely different temperaments.

Wow, you must be fun at parties

OP, don't take a blind bit of notice. Being judgemental and smug just makes her a prat. Let's see her cope when she's had no sleep for 72 hours. There are some total oddballs out there.

And you aren't alone. I was told off by some random loon in Tesco when I was about 7 months pregnant. She started yelling at me in the checkout queue, saying I was stupid & selfish and don't deserve to be pregnant. 😮Then she flounced out in a huff. I just stood there speechless.

The checkout lady said 'you have no idea what that was about, do you?' It's your sandwich, you're not meant to eat prawns.'
🙄
So take no notice. It's definitely her, not you. x

Sorry that happened to you, that’s crazy. Some people get so over the top about things that are not their concern. I’ve never really had to deal with judgement while out and about, or maybe I just never noticed it, except recently. Everyone does things differently and has their own problems. Thanks for your reply, this thread has got me feeling down 😊

You can still be a permissive parent and shout. Your shout didn’t actually mean anything.

Why are you jumping straight to physical abuse as though that’s ever an option anyone is suggesting?

The goal is not to control your child. It is not to punish. It is to teach, guide, role model and use discipline.

In the instance of the cafe I would have said “please get up from the floor so we can have something to eat”. If he refused I would have got down to his level on the floor, looked him in the eye and said “if you don’t get up off the floor I will need to help you up”.

And subsequently picked him up off the floor if he still didn’t get up. If he screamed of carried on the tantrum I would have calmly taken him outside (a change of scenery usually helps) and co-regulated with him.

But of course if that still wouldn’t work then yes, I would explain we would need to leave the cafe because we weren’t behaving appropriately and gone, even though we hadn’t finished our food.

He knows he has you wrapped round his little finger and can behave however he likes when one instance of him sitting on the floor has you cajoling and bribing him.

Bribery is just not necessary and should never be used, it’s a lazy parenting technique that has negative effects on your child.

Honestly, for the sake of both yourself and your child, please do some research and find parenting guidance, because I’m sorry but you really are doing this all wrong.

“How To Talk So Kids Will Listen” is a great book

@Cobweb121

I went to a cafe today with him, he sat on the floor. I told him to get up, tried reasoning, bribing, he would not get up. I carried him back to the table. This escalated in a tantrum/screaming.

If this were my son I would do this

Pick him up
"We don't sit on the floor. Someone might trip over you and fall."
Sit at table and immediately start talking about something else. The flowers on the table, pointing out interesting things around the café, looking at the menu and talking about what food to order

If there was a tantrum, I would scoop him up and take him outside for a stern word. We would go back in when he had calmed down and understood what was expected of him. As soon as he calms down, resume happy tones and chit chat. Get sticker book out of your bag for him to do at the table. I also carry a little bag of interesting bits and bobs that I periodically switch out for different things. Fidget toys and little treasures. I call it the cafe bag.

But you have to meet his needs first. Make sure he's has plenty of time outdoors to run and play before expecting him to sit nicely in a cafe.

You keep talking as if this behaviour in toddlers is a lost cause. You need new strategies because yours aren't working.

I do try things like this. At first I said ‘please get up off the floor, it’s dirty’ and please get up, people can’t get past you’. Then I said, please wait for your sister (who was in the toilet), to come back to the table. He didn’t get up. That’s when I picked him up and carried him to the table, then the tantrum started. The outside wasn’t just to hand, it was a cafe in an upstairs part of Tesco. Still, I could have carried him out I guess. I do try and distract him with items, talking about stuff but his concentration span is very short.
Believe it or not, I also have a daughter who’s 24, and she’s turned out to be a lovely person, caring, kind etc.

I’m not suggesting smacking him, what is your discipline? It’s not my first rodeo, I have a daughter that’s 24, she was completely different to my son, so much calmer. She’s turned out fine. He has only just turned 3, so he’s not speaking fluently or in perfectly full sentences by any means so it’s not so easy to communicate with him like that.

You say you tried the things I posted, but you didn't at all

I do try things like this. At first I said ‘please get up off the floor, it’s dirty’ and please get up, people can’t get past you’. Then I said, please wait for your sister (who was in the toilet), to come back to the table.

This is far too many pleases. I don't say "please" for this sort of thing. It's not a request, it's an instruction. Please is for "please can you pass me the salt" not "get off the floor, someone will trip over you."

You're also asking him to do something far too many times. It's "up off the floor now" and if he doesn't, lift him and sit him at the table and immediately move on to something else. You don't need to be combative with him, keep it light and breezy: "we sit on our bottoms at the table. Look at these lovely flowers, shall we smell them? I like this one the best."

He didn’t get up. That’s when I picked him up and carried him to the table, then the tantrum started.

The tantrum happened because you pleaded with him over and over and let everything build up. Stop asking him nicely. Tell him and then lift him when he doesn't. He knows it's worth ignoring you because he's sussed you don't immediately follow through and you don't handle tantrums well.

The outside wasn’t just to hand, it was a cafe in an upstairs part of Tesco.

Outside doesn't mean literally outside. Just remove him from the general dining area. If my son acts up in any kind of cafe or restaurant he's removed to the nearest spot away from other diners and I get down to his level and have a very firm word with him. No shouting, but he knows I mean business. I will say to him "we do not sit on the floor of the cafe. It's dangerous, people might trip over you. where are we going to sit?" He'll reply "at the table". Then we go back into the cafe bright and breezy, all upset forgotten and swiftly move on to something else: helping to pour water for everyone at the table with much praise, talking about things on the menu, or doing a sticker book together. It doesn't matter, just deal with the tantrum and move on swiftly.

Still, I could have carried him out I guess. I do try and distract him with items, talking about stuff but his concentration span is very short.

They all have a short concentration span. Try a little bag with toys that are easy to have at a cafe table: sheets of stickers and scraps of paper, little magnetic stick figure men, look & find books. Get him his own special wallet and fill it with a random assortment of coins, club cards, old gift cards and receipts etc. He can play about with those and pretend to pay for the bill.

Part of dealing with this behaviour is also about teaching him how to remain calm and occupied in places like cafes, doctors waiting rooms and so on.

Thanks for your advice, I’ll try some of these 🙂

Good luck @Cobweb121

And do have a look At Bratbuster parenting on Instagram. I cannot recommend her enough.

I’m astounded and frankly appalled at the tone you are taking with the OP. There is giving advice and then there is telling people they ‘really are doing this all wrong’ and describing them as ‘jumping straight to physical abuse’. You are making wild assumptions on the basis of very, very little.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with a few of these posters OP. There is a lot of support for you here too. Keep your chin up!

Thank you, I didn’t know if it was just me that thought the tone was off. There’s giving advice in a well mannered way, and then there’s being spoken to like I’m a complete idiot. Appreciate the kind words 😊

Discipline and punishment are two different things. There is a massive difference.

Punishment is about control, and rules through fear. You do it because you feel out of control and want your children to do what you say when you say, to put up and shut up and bury their emotions down inside.

Discipline is about teaching and role modelling. You do it because you want to bring children up to be emotionally healthy, independent adults who are able to cope when their biggest problem is a lot bigger than “I wanted the red cup not the blue one”.

Obviously I use discipline. I use natural and logical consequences. If we can’t behave appropriately in a cafe then we can’t be there, it’s a simple as that.

Your son doesn’t need to speak to understand. These techniques are successfully used from 18 months +.

Just wanted to give you a glimmer of hope OP. I like you, have an older child and like your DD was an absolute delight to take out from a very young age. I felt internally a bit smug at having nailed this parenting lark, although I most certainly wouldn't have done what that other mum did (appalling).

Then along came my second. To say I had egg on my face is an understatement. I actually dreaded taking her out, I tried so hard to get it right. I won't offer my advice as what eventually worked for mine may not work for yours (it was mainly the natural consequence way, took a ton of effort) and am pleased to report that from the age of 5 she made a marked change and now she's 8 I absolutely love going out with her.

Keep on trying, it'll be tough and sometimes feel like you're punishing yourself (I.e you're enjoying a lovely coffee but have to leave as DS can't behave) if you're consistent it does eventually sink in and your investment now will pay off - good luck!

Thank you! I’m hoping things will improve. I don’t like to keep saying he’s different and a wild child, but he really is very stubborn/strong willed. He’s not bad, just highly strung and mischievous sometimes. I am going to put in a bit more effort with some techniques so fingers crossed 😊 you’re right about the coffee 😅 I race to drink it sometimes before things start going south.