Got judged in a shop

[Cobweb121]

Hey there. I was at a local supermarket today and my 3-year-old son was with me. I never like taking him shopping as he doesn’t listen and has lots of energy and can be quite unruly. It’s just usually more trouble than its worth.
Anyway, he went running to the end of an aisle and I shouted his name, maybe rather loudly as I was worried about him going out of my sight. Another woman was passing with her maybe 4/5-year-old sitting perfectly behaved in the trolley. Her child became startled by me calling his name, and she said to her daughter ‘I would NEVER shout at you like that’, with a really smug expression. I was a bit taken aback as I was just calling his name, not aggressively.
I have been under a lot of stress lately and my nervous system needs a break, but I didn’t think anything I did was wrong? It got me thinking, do I not talk to him in the correct manner? I don’t know. I called him about 4 times first before shouting his name. He really just doesn’t listen. It left me feeling like rubbish tbh and I’m here ruminating about it.

I’m thinking about not taking him anywhere again until he’s like 6 🤣 it’s just always a bit of a nightmare. I like to take him out and about with me but every shopping experience is pretty stressful.

So now I’m being judged for the way I word things? Maybe it’s to try and make light of a situation that has actually quite unsettled me. Wow, I’ve seen a lot of worse posts on here with the OPs getting a lot less flak than I have in this case.

What’s he like when you are in the supermarket carpark, crossing a road etc @Cobweb121

He doesn’t stop at the road, I have to hold his hand to cross it, and will just run out into a car park. I’m trying to teach him to look out for traffic etc. He’s a bit of a wild child but he’s always been like that. Which I’m sure everyone will say is my fault. I’m trying my best.

Ignore smug mother and her unnecessary comment.

However, I would suggest he needs consequences. You walk close to mummy or you get put in the trolley/stroller. Same with crossing the road - hold my hand or you get put in the stroller/picked up.

And yes I have carried my DS out of the supermarket under my arm like a little plank of wood because he wouldn’t sit in the seat. So I disagree that anyone giving parenting advice had a naturally compliant child. The only parents I judge are the ones who stand back and weakly let their kid run rampant in public. If you’re making an effort to control them then it’s thumbs up from me.

From reading these comments seems everyone has angelic children. I often walk down the street and see other young children with their parents and they’re being good as gold, and I think why can’t mine be like that? He just isn’t. Maybe he’s undiagnosed with something, I don’t know. Should I physically carry, drag a 25kg child around by my side wherever I go to be ‘in charge’. I have tried to get on his level, explain things to him, reason with him etc. He does not listen.

@Cobweb121 exactly that. There are too many parents who are overly up their own arse these days. Kids are kids and some just will not listen. That's life and you just have to deal with the ups and downs when they come

Thank you 😊 I can’t seem to get across to people that he just does not comply. It must be wonderful to tell a child to do something and they actually do it. Life would be a breeze if so. Some days he does listen ok, and can be actually a really good boy but when the mood takes him nothing I say works. He just runs off, and if I try to pick him up, tell him to stay by my side, he has a tantrum. Try and pick him up and he flops like a rag doll, making it hard to lift him. Ugh, I’m hoping it’ll just get better with age.

My eldest (non verbal autistic) used to just run off - reins/then harness were a godsend. Meant I could pay with two hands free. Middle one was perfect Peter but the youngest used to wait and then run in the opposite direction to ds1. And then there was the dog.

Just ignore that sort of comment. I used to get comments & head shakes about ds1. I just consoled myself they wouldn’t have lasted 1 minute with ds1. My kids are all grown up now and wild/u truly ds3 is remarkably sensible these days

do think about reins or a backpack/something to grab if he is dashing out in the road. Safety first and all that. Ignore the smug brigade.

@Cobweb121

From reading these comments seems everyone has angelic children. I often walk down the street and see other young children with their parents and they’re being good as gold, and I think why can’t mine be like that?

Their children are not angelic. The parents have trained them to behave in public. When they don't, there are consequences. Their parents are holding firm boundaries and dealing with difficult behaviour. The more a parent does this, the better the child behaves. It's cumulative. Just as it's cumulative that your son is ignoring you and running off. He gets away with it too often so he becomes more likely to do it. Saying "no don't do that" or shouting after him is not dealing with the behaviour.

My son is about to turn 3 and has his difficult moments as all toddlers do. But we deal with it firmly and fairly, and most importantly we are consistent in our response. It's tiring as we have to stay ten steps ahead of him and you're always fighting fires before they start, but that's parenting. It might look to others in a cafe that he's angelic, or when I'm walking down the street and he's holding my hand walking nicely and chatting. But that has taken, and still takes, a lot of effort to achieve. He wasn't born biddable. Far bloody from it. You're dismissing other people as having easy children and that your child is somehow more difficult. He's just your average toddler doing what toddlers do.

There is no shouting. We outline expected behaviour and there are consequences when that isn't met. If he becomes lost in a tantrum as toddlers sometimes do, we bodily remove him from the situation and when he's calm we outline the expectations and start again. This is a very rare event because we are fair and consistent and he knows what the boundaries are.

Your son should be on reins or in the trolley and given something to occupy him. Give him a little picture list of some of the things you're buying and involve him in it, even if that's just him sitting in the trolley holding a carrot for a while.

I can't recommend enough bratbuster parenting on Instagram. She coaches parents to become leaders to their children. It sounds like you're struggling to tap into that leadership mindset and so your son is running rings around you.

I read somewhere about giving them a choice but one that still makes you in control. So for example do you want to stand in the trolley or sit in the trolley, that way he is still contained. If he is too big to sit in the seat part then maybe swap that out for something else. I feel you with the wild child thing though, my almost 2 year old is an explorer and likes to walk her own way ! I am still working on getting her to walk beside me with the example I gave you but i have seen some improvements !

You aren't a bad mum either and you do not need parenting classes, all kids are different and it is just trial and error on ways to handle things and see what works best ! Parenting is bloody hard and we don't need mums putting others down but instead giving guidance and solutions because there is no rule book on being a mum.

Yes that is the answer unfortunately.
for context I have 3 adult ds who were all strong willed. If you want to remain in control of the situation then firm hold of the little buggers at all times when out.

if it’s any comfort I never knew how loud I could shout until I had boys. As for getting down on their level to explain things 🤣😂🤣😂. Yeah - not with mine.

ignore smug mummy - she’ll be screaming like a banshee when beloved dd is a teenager or earlier . Once you’ve established to ds who’s in charge you will hopefully not be having to shout.

Excellent response

Btw if you can train yourself to shout something sweet instead of something harsh, it's a good start.
Like people react differently to someone shouting "cutiepie, back to mummy" than "oi you brat" (not saying you did either) (my kids are used to weird nicknames nothing like this but equally corny - it makes you sound more like the loving mother who is having a hard day and less like someone who just can't deal with the kids).
My youngest delightful monster could climb out of trolleys from a startlingly young age (before he could be enticed to sit with jokes and conversation, which always worked with my older one). If he couldn't climb he would just throw his body around until he wiggled free.
Basically online delivery was the answer, but sometimes I did have to hold a leg firmly but gently in place to keep him in the trolley (cue screaming fit to bust and some mad one handed shopping and a rush to pay and get outta there with no milk etc).
People who say "just put him in the trolley" really don't get it. With the one before him, I could use a supermarket trip as quality time (face to face, lots of chat) - different kid, different experience.

OP you should google PDA. Pathological demand avoidance. It's a type of autism. The PDA society website has some brilliant information. A lot of what you have said makes me think you should consider it. It may ring a few bells and if this is what you are dealing with knowing that makes a massive difference.

No doubt you mean well, but if I were the OP, this sort of comment would make me feel defeated, rather than raise me up with support and help. There is little empathy or encouragement there, and it reads like a long catalogue of virtue which might feel unattainable to anyone else. I’m sure the OP is glad for tips and recommendations, but it is harder to take these on when there is no feeling of awareness of how difficult parenting can be, and how every child is different, and how everyone is just doing their best.

@Clafoutie

No doubt you mean well, but if I were the OP, this sort of comment would make me feel defeated, rather than raise me up with support and help.

I do acknowledge how hard parenting is. But the OP is dismissing other people's posts by saying they have "angelic children". My point is this isn't the case. My son can be really hard work. They all can. But I still don't shout across supermarkets as he sprints off.

I'm not judging OP for this, I'm telling her that she's doing a disservice to herself and to her child to paint other children as angels and hers as a child who "just doesn't listen"

Personally, I'd rather look for strategies and solutions than blame my child for being too difficult. They're all difficult. I've nothing but solidarity for that. OP needs to take some advice on board.

What I did in this situation is spell out the expectation clearly:
If you don't want to sit in the trolley/wear the reins then I expect you to walk alongside me, to not run off and to be helpful when picking items from the shelves. If you run off or play up then the reins will go on or you will sit in the trolley.

We'd set off. I'd set a task easily completed eg 'we need breakfast cereal in this isle, can you remember where it is? Which cereal is it that we buy? Can you reach the packet for me? ' And keep the involvement. Half the reason they play up is just down to boredom. I will say shopping with 1 tearaway is a lot easier than with 2 - with 2 you have to be a bit more on your toes, but I was never averse to a drink and cake in the cafe after if we had an incident free shop. Over time we managed to sit in the cafe my friend and I, and after they'd had their drink and cake and got bored we'd send the kids off to fetch certain final items from the nearest shelves while we enjoyed our coffee. (cafe is inside shop not beyond checkout)

Thanks for that. I do feel like I’m being preached to or spoken to like a little kid. Really don’t like some of the attitudes on here.

So what I’m understanding from this thread is that nobody shouts at their kids ever and it’s utterly outrageous to do so. I was calling his name in a raised voice in a supermarket, not yelling.

So I’m scared to parent him, but I’m scared of him having a tantrum? But if I parent him he’ll have a tantrum anyway? Please don’t talk to me like you know me or my situation; it’s coming across rather condescending.

Don't avoid taking him because of it being hard work. He'll never learn if you don't frequently take him.
I fell into that trap with our twins at 2 after a few stressful shopping trips, and it took a few months to get them used to how to handle shops once I was taking them again.

In hindsight it would have been easier to carry on taking them consistently than stopping then restarting from scratch.

Because you know it’s you that’s one of the ones doing this. I take all constructive criticism on board and thank people for well-meaning advice, but don’t speak to me like you’re above me. It’s your tone that’s irksome.