Got judged in a shop

[Cobweb121]

Hey there. I was at a local supermarket today and my 3-year-old son was with me. I never like taking him shopping as he doesn’t listen and has lots of energy and can be quite unruly. It’s just usually more trouble than its worth.
Anyway, he went running to the end of an aisle and I shouted his name, maybe rather loudly as I was worried about him going out of my sight. Another woman was passing with her maybe 4/5-year-old sitting perfectly behaved in the trolley. Her child became startled by me calling his name, and she said to her daughter ‘I would NEVER shout at you like that’, with a really smug expression. I was a bit taken aback as I was just calling his name, not aggressively.
I have been under a lot of stress lately and my nervous system needs a break, but I didn’t think anything I did was wrong? It got me thinking, do I not talk to him in the correct manner? I don’t know. I called him about 4 times first before shouting his name. He really just doesn’t listen. It left me feeling like rubbish tbh and I’m here ruminating about it.

@Cobweb121

Your OP said and I shouted his name, maybe rather loudly

Of course I would call my child's name if I needed to. But I also wouldn't put myself in the position of him running down the aisles in a supermarket. Posters are saying that the other woman was being ridiculous, but you are also saying that when you see other children behaving well and listening to their parents that they must just be "angelic".

The point I've been making is that you're dismissing all the hard work behind the scenes that creates those children who behave and listen. My son gets comments in cafes for being so well behaved and polite at 3 years old, but I'm sweating behind the scenes to make that happen. He's not naturally an angel, he's a demon toddler like they all are.

You have to stay ten steps ahead of them and that means setting boundaries and consequences. Explain what will be happening when you go to the shop and either have him on reins or sit him in the trolley. Don't let him tear about the place which only causes you stress and leads to shouting.

Weird comment by that random bystander. But it does sound like you could do with some practical ideas to help with dealing with challenging behaviour. Most kids display difficult behaviour from time to time. But it’s how you deal with it that’s key. They don’t just tend to grow out of behaviour. They learn from how we teach them.

@StrawberryMemories her “inability to parent”? Who exactly do you think you are? Who made you the judge?

I know, that’s why I’m annoyed at her comments. Maybe she means well but it’s coming across rather rude saying I can’t parent, I’m like a little kid etc.

There's all us useless mums who have to do it more than once told. Sanctimonious much.

Ignore the BS OP. Some parents like to feel morally superior. It would be lovely if it worked like this, but you're not failing because you have to ask more than once or because you raised your voice in a shop. Volume is not the same as aggression. There's some good advice on this thread, but like everything in parenting you have to pick what fits with your family and works for you and your child.

Try some different things, see what works. You might need to use different strategies at different stages of the shop. Time of day can make a difference too is he calmer at certain times? You could try going to the playground first to get the fidgets out. You can give him jobs, like things to put in a trolley, get him watching the shelves for those items. You could give him something to snack on. Maybe he'd like to help by pushing the trolley with you, good exercise to tire him out too. If he likes stamps or stickers you could tell him he'll get a sticker at the end if he sticks close to the trolley. You can make a game of that. like he needs to touch the trolley when you do a countdown 3,2,1 touch, so can't get to far away. Some kids games help, some they might have the opposite effect.

I understand getting into buying something just to get through, but at some stage that's going to need to go. Personally Id bite that bullet and tackle that at the same time as working on the other shopping behaviours. Something to consider too, he might be reacting to the noise and busyness of the shops, going at a quieter time or some earmuffs might help. Just throwing that in there as he reminds me a little of my middle DC and that's why he gets crazy in shops. because he's overwhelmed by the noise and people. No amount of boundaries is going to have an effect on a child who's overwhelmed by their environment. Good luck with it, you'll find a way that works for you and your child. its mostly trial and error and picking yourself up to try again when things invariably change.

I let him tantrum no problem, trust me I’m used to the looks in shops because he’s screaming on the floor.

@Cobweb121

I don't think you can't parent OP. But you are currently avoiding patenting effectively because your son will be upset. That's not how things work- sometimes kids don't like what we tell them to do.

Seriously, check out bratbuster parenting on Instagram. She's fantastic.

What a mad woman making such a shit comment please ignore her - or invite her on to this thread so she can tell everyone all of the secrets of parenting seeing as she knows it all

Thank you. I’m not sure what’s classed as shouting. I guess I shouted his name but wasn’t yelling/screaming over the top. I appreciate the hard work put in behind the scenes, maybe I was wrong to say all other children seem angelic, I guess what I meant that other kids I see are so much calmer and quieter and walk beside there parents. My son’s temperament is not a calm one, this is why I’m unsure if he’s just boisterous or ADHD. I’ve potentially been a bit lazy parenting wise because of other stresses but working on it.

Here's everyone judging the other mom, but what was she supposed to do when you shouted so loudly that her own child got startled? Maybe she was just trying to reassure her child that everything is ok and they won't be shouted at.

You do what you need to do to parent your child, but you have to recognise that other parents need to do the same. What would you have said if your child got startled by someone else shouting at another child?

Thank you. I noticed her comments have been deleted. Maybe she’s a fantastic parent but I’m not one of her kids 😅
He’s just rather boisterous all round, some days are better than others. A shop will start off ok, but he gets bored and then starts wandering/running off. I’ve tried asking him to help me with the shop and find stuff. He does that sometimes then something will distract him. He is starting to listen more than he used to, maybe because his communication is getting better. I’ll keep persevering 🙂

@Cobweb121

I promise you OP, my son is not a calm or placid child. His temperament is more... intense and chaotic 😅

It's hard work but you need to embrace the tantrums and hold firm otherwise he's going to run roughshod over you as he gets older.

The other woman was still an idiot for saying that. It's really not on to say something like that to your child even if she did want to be smug and think it in her head. Absolutely cringe for her behaviour.

I didn’t shout that loud. Everyone has their own parenting styles. She’s probably a lovely woman, it was the way she commented as she passed me and the tone she used. She made sure I heard her.

I think the harsh truth is that you’re doing an incredible disservice to your son here. You are putting up with the tantrums you haven’t managed to avoid, but nobody else will.

Teachers, friends, other adults in his life. They won’t put up with it, and you’re thrusting him into other spaces where he can’t behave appropriately because you haven’t taught him to.

What’s going to happen here is that teachers will be frustrated with him, other kids will be annoyed with him. Nobody wants to be friends with the kid that screams and behaves poorly all the time.

The reality is that you’re creating an unlikeable child, and as such making the world a very difficult place for him to live in, simply because you are too stubborn to look into how to be a better parent. It’s easier for you to say your kid is the problem than to do something about it.

To the smug parents who look down on you, I often gently curse them inside my head and say I hope the next time they have a child, it will turn out exactly like the ones they looked down on. I have two and they are different temperaments even as a baby but same parents, same household, same everything but they are poles are apart where one is a live wire and the second one is a dream baby. The woman sounds like a twat and deserves my curse :)

The reality is he's 3 and he'll grow out of a lot of this behaviour. OP will reassess and try again, she doesn't need to have it all figured out and she isn't raising an unlikeable child and that's a really judgemental and horrible thing to say. My son who was very similar at 3 is loved by every teacher he comes in contact with to the extent if he's away sick and Im at school dropping off the others I'll be asked mutliple times if hes ok by other teachers and random kids from different grades I don't really know and everyone thinks he's a lovely sweet child. I hope Im raising my kids well enough that none of them will think this kind of nasty sanctimonious comment is ok.

Because he's 3 perhaps?

People love to judge and make it known they feel better than others.
I saw a child throwing a tantrum today and felt compassion for the mother, who let the kid throw a floor body tantrum and then moved on with the child. ..I felt her pain.
Yes, ignore!!!
Lead's must be a very English common thing, if it works but life happens someday's.

Ok, another one. He’s 3, he tantrums. He behaves perfectly well at nursery and doesn’t tantrum all the time. Where did I say he was extremely naughty child, I said he can be unruly at times. Do you know me? Do you know him?

Exactly, I don’t know what’s going on on this thread 😅 it’s put me off posting again that’s for sure. All toddlers tantrum don’t they? I guess you can teach kids how to tantrum less but can’t avoid them all together. The teachers love him at nursery, he’s fine with other kids. Me explaining the incident I was posting about is only a snapshot into my life.

All the kids I've ever known, all my friends kids have been through some stage where there's tantrums or meltdowns. 3 year olds and tantrums are ubiquitous. MN can be very hit and miss, one day you'd get great support, same post a different day and you get people using some dubious moral high ground of parenting to take their mood out on you. Its ironic that they're commenting about age appropriate behaviour in a 3 year old being a problem and how badly that child's apparently behaving when it seems they never grew past being the nasty girl in highschool. Your LO will grow out of his tantrums, unfortunately the same can't be said for their nastiness. As adults they really should have grown out of that behaviour.

I see you are still spectacularly missing the point.

The issue is not that he tantrums. My entire point is that tantrums are developmentally normal and okay.

The issue is how you are parenting, or rather a lack of said parenting from you.

Of course he behaves at nursery, because they have routine and structure, they have expectations and they have boundaries which they hold. He knows he has to listen to them because they follow through.

You do not have or hold any boundaries. You do not teach him how to communicate or coregulate. You teach him to scream at you to get what he wants. You avoid tantrums at all costs because you’re scared of saying no to him.

I did not say he was extremely naughty, I don’t think he is. There are no naughty children, just children whose parents don’t have the skills to appropriately parent them.

Wow, must be nice up there on that horse.