Got judged in a shop

[Cobweb121]

Hey there. I was at a local supermarket today and my 3-year-old son was with me. I never like taking him shopping as he doesn’t listen and has lots of energy and can be quite unruly. It’s just usually more trouble than its worth.
Anyway, he went running to the end of an aisle and I shouted his name, maybe rather loudly as I was worried about him going out of my sight. Another woman was passing with her maybe 4/5-year-old sitting perfectly behaved in the trolley. Her child became startled by me calling his name, and she said to her daughter ‘I would NEVER shout at you like that’, with a really smug expression. I was a bit taken aback as I was just calling his name, not aggressively.
I have been under a lot of stress lately and my nervous system needs a break, but I didn’t think anything I did was wrong? It got me thinking, do I not talk to him in the correct manner? I don’t know. I called him about 4 times first before shouting his name. He really just doesn’t listen. It left me feeling like rubbish tbh and I’m here ruminating about it.

He either needs reins or to be seated in the trolley. Unruly children running around the supermarket grind my gears - and I have 4 of my own!

@Wisterialily some children are "perfectly behaved" though.

Some it's part of their personality, while with others it depends on the adult they are with.

No one else on this threas has said it so i will..

‘I would NEVER shout at you like that’,

What a unnecessary (probably untrue) and entirely dickhead comment.

You were unlucky but maybe best to contain him in the child seat or give him supermarket "tasks"
I use reins sometimes with my dd. She's smart as a whip, has precision vision and is a bolter.
If i dont have the reins i do sometimes need to shout and chase - c'est la vie.
i give zero fucks about the stares or under the breath loud enough so i can hear comments about the reins. 🙄

I also knew a super smug parent with 2 perfect kids. Then kid #3 came along and was a proper wild one. Karma? Only kidding (well, just kidding).
My first was a wild one, my next an angel, (so I thought I'd cracked the code and got my parenting badge). Then I ended up with another wild one. That's life.
Read up on parenting books, they do help, and there are a bunch of strategies you can learn, but ignore the judgy parents.
And double ignore the ones that judge you to a child, that's weird parentification of the perfect child, it's not good parenting at all. Like really.

I was in a similar situation recently and a women yelled across me and another shopper at her child suddenly. I was startled and jumped, and the woman next to me dropped the vase she was holding which shattered all over the floor.

The yelling woman then said 'well I hope my child doesn't get cut in that glass!'
I pointed out that she had screamed across us and we were both startled. Please don't yell in supermarkets- or anywhere else that startled others!

What are you even on about? How do you know she does neither of those things?

You’re far too invested in making this woman feel even more like shit. Which is cuntish behaviour in the extreme. Dread to think what your kids are like if this is what you’re modelling. Get a life.

OP, sending empathy your way. I’m very much of the belief that every mother has experienced this or similar; both insofar as the unruly toddler behaviour and the twatty judgements of other mothers. Try not to dwell on it, you’re human and responded to a stressful situation in the way that felt right at the time. Lesson learned for next time - put him in the trolley. Be kind to yourself, this really is a nothing.

Lovely post!

Oh OP, you've described the whole situation well in your opening post.

She's a smug cow and you're a stressed mum trying to cope. Not Waitrose was it?

I would never have shouted at dd1 like that. Then dd2 came along as much shoutting was needed. Sometimes you need to shout. Don't let this put you off taking your ds to shops though, the more you do it the more normal and everyday it will become for him.

Fuck the other mummy. I'm a grandma and still have the capacity to caterwaul like a fish wife if the little buggers are misbehaving. And I don't give two hoots where I am at the time.

Both of these things are true:

Your child needs to be in reins or in the trolley seat

And

The other woman was embarrassingly smug.

Honestly OP, cringe for her not you. Then get your child restrained in some way in shops.

How about engaging him in the shopping process? At 3 he’s old enough to recognise some different fruit & vegetables. Make a picture shopping list, sit him in the trolley or have a rule that he has to hold onto your hand or the side of the trolley or on reins. Ask him to look for the items on his list. I found small colour pictures of fruit/veg typed the name underneath (great for developing reading skills), laminated them and used hook and loop Velcro to attach them. Over time before we went shopping my DC would find the fruit/veg pictures and make the shopping list up. At the checkout get him to help pass suitable items onto the conveyor belt. Could also pack (drop) robust items purchased into a bag. Yes it’ll take longer but big him up ‘You’re a big boy now and you can help Mummy’. That way he has a positive focus and experience rather than a game of hide and seek or seeking interaction by misbehaving/running off. Lots of praise for everything he’s doing properly. Over time if you’re consistent it won’t take as long and he’ll genuinely be a help and not a hindrance when you have to go shopping.
Start as you mean to go with on. Did this with my own DC - as a single full time working parent as there was no other option for childcare and they’re never too young to start helping and learning some simple life skills.
Have confidence in how you want your child to behave, set clear and realistic boundaries (keep these positive rather than accentuating the behaviours you don’t want) that you remind him of before you enter the store, provide your child with opportunities to be engaged and don’t be afraid to parent and stick to your rules about how you expect him to behave. No need to bribe or negotiate. This might all be considered old fashioned advice.

Who were they advertising on TV with the kid having a meltdown and so the mom throws herself down on the aisle and kicks and screams so the kid knows what it's like? That.

And F off to the other mum.

Have you tried reins ?

Apart from running away in shops, it stopped my DS running into the road & getting killed.

Agree.

I'm sorry some people have replied with some high and mighty responses on here 🙄.

But listening is something you can work on. I would get down to his level before you go in the shop and say "now, we're going to go in the shop, do you want to help me? I'll tell you what you get and you can be a big boy and put it in the trolley. You must make sure you stay with mummy. If you run off, then you have to sit in the trolley." Set the rules, and an expectation for when he breaks them.

Ignore the woman OP, it’s happened to most parents, toddlers are toddlers no matter what you try sometimes.
Sometimes they are well behaved angels and some days they can sprint a 100m in 2 seconds flat.
Ignore the perfect mums brigade on here and that foul woman in the supermarket. I’m sure their perfect Persephone’s and Tarquins must raise hell occasionally!

No child is perfect 100% of the time! And 3 for any child is a challenging time!

A child shouldn’t be free to run off in a supermarket. What if he had run into an elderly person?
If he is getting that far away that you have to shout, he is TOO far away. I think reins might be a good idea here.

I have two words for you OP...

Online. Delivery. 😆

Mine is 5 but behaviourally is younger. Physically larger. He's autistic with adhd and the size of an 8/9 year old so sitting in a trolley isn't an option. We've largely stopped using his disability pushchair now too. He responds well to having a job to do, whether fetching certain items, "helping" push the trolley, being in charge of the list etc.

But generally I avoid it at all costs!

See this is what I was thinking. And Even if he did fit, I have a struggle getting my 21 month old in one, so can only imagine it to be way worse with a bigger 3yo

My 3rd old is happy in the trolley as long as he has items to drop in sometimes (block cheese, packet of seeds, etc) and I let him choose between two things where I can (which yogurt this week, do you think papa will like this should we surprise him)

He likes to hold the list and cuddle bakery bread. Something to hold or he fidgets. I'll take his boots off if he kicks at the metal grate.

I generally have to keep him engaged talking to him. (My kid isn't a runner, he's a talker god help us! 😣)

Recently when letting him walk, I had really good luck making a visual list. Really simple in coloured pencil- think red blob with green dot was an apple. I went over it with him before we left and made sure he understood.

He really loved finding his items. So I agree with others a job is good especially if you can build it up beforehand and get him excited! It works well for fruit and veg or try we're baking a cake and we need x x and x. Can you help me remember?

Another job- it's pushing the trolley. Try having him right in front of you holding the handle his hands in middle yours outside to guide it. He will think he's helping you push but you're in control and he's hanging on close.

You know what works for your DS but for mine it's expecting the next level up and giving him the chance to show he's a big / clever / helpful boy.

@Devilsmommy I found that age the hardest to get in as the are just heavy and awkward if not non compliant

A bit older I put him feet first in the seat (eg standing up) and then help him as he puts his feet through and sits down. We can still do it even with wellies on and he's got huge feet.

You might find you get another year or two out of trolley seats in the end! We can all hope!

Yep my lump of a 3.5 year old doesn’t fit (complains it hurts when he’s squashed into the seat). Plus most aren’t secure, they’re missing the restraints.

There sure are a lot of perfect parents on this thread.

Absolutely this. I think you’re getting a hard time on this thread OP but it’s mostly down to luck if you get a live wire or a compliant child. I have one of each and they are parented exactly the same way. Don’t let Smuggy McSmugface get to you, she might have a shite time of it during the teenage years