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Original poster

Got judged in a shop

175 replies

Cobweb121 · 14/07/2024 17:26

Hey there. I was at a local supermarket today and my 3-year-old son was with me. I never like taking him shopping as he doesn’t listen and has lots of energy and can be quite unruly. It’s just usually more trouble than its worth.
Anyway, he went running to the end of an aisle and I shouted his name, maybe rather loudly as I was worried about him going out of my sight. Another woman was passing with her maybe 4/5-year-old sitting perfectly behaved in the trolley. Her child became startled by me calling his name, and she said to her daughter ‘I would NEVER shout at you like that’, with a really smug expression. I was a bit taken aback as I was just calling his name, not aggressively.
I have been under a lot of stress lately and my nervous system needs a break, but I didn’t think anything I did was wrong? It got me thinking, do I not talk to him in the correct manner? I don’t know. I called him about 4 times first before shouting his name. He really just doesn’t listen. It left me feeling like rubbish tbh and I’m here ruminating about it.

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User628291938949 · 14/07/2024 22:43

Ignore the snotty c*w sorry we can't all be perfect like herself aye xx chin up

Ariela · 14/07/2024 23:15

I would suggest try reins. You may not ever use them - with mine it was the threat of the reins in my bag having to go on if they didn't stay by me...

Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:03

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

So what would be the consequence of him not doing as I say when he never complies with anything really? He’s a normal kid I think lol, but he’s never been an easy child, I have wondered if he has ADHD. All kids have different personalities, not every child is an easy one that is willing to reason with the parent.

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Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:05

Peoneve · 14/07/2024 17:35

If he runs off then you need a parent strap/harness to ensure that he cant run off
Why is he unruly?

He doesn’t like the reins and plays up or whines until I take them off. He won’t sit in the trolley either as he’s quite big for his age and will literally try and climb out until he’s hanging half in and out lol

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Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:08

TemuSpecialBuy · 14/07/2024 18:24

No one else on this threas has said it so i will..

‘I would NEVER shout at you like that’,

What a unnecessary (probably untrue) and entirely dickhead comment.

You were unlucky but maybe best to contain him in the child seat or give him supermarket "tasks"
I use reins sometimes with my dd. She's smart as a whip, has precision vision and is a bolter.
If i dont have the reins i do sometimes need to shout and chase - c'est la vie.
i give zero fucks about the stares or under the breath loud enough so i can hear comments about the reins. 🙄

It’s the first time anyone has said something like that so I could intentionally hear it. I was so shocked. If he was having a tantrum or hitting me etc and I didn’t ‘put him in his place’ I’d be getting looks of disgust too. Can’t win in this parenting game.

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RosieCockle · 15/07/2024 00:08

Don't let your kid run off in a supermarket. You're the parent. If you can't control a little kid, you don't have much chance when they grow up.

Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:09

TheHuntSyndicate · 14/07/2024 17:40

Get some reins and do a parenting class.

Bit harsh lol

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Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:10

viques · 14/07/2024 17:47

If only supermarkets had anticipated speedy toddlers and had invented secure child seats on trollies……..

He won’t sit in the trolley, will literally try and climb out or cry.

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Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:13

SmudgeButt · 14/07/2024 17:59

Oh don't sweat it. She's obviously someone whose little Tristan or Isolde started reading French at 2 and was an early pick for the National Ballet. All while being a vegan and learning how to raise unicorns in the lower corner of their larger estate.

If you shouted "Oi Clymadia!! Get your effing arse back here!" well that might have been a tad too much.

Thank you 😊 there’s plenty of people that do shout like that where I’m from 🤣

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Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:15

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Calling my kid to come to me is acting like a tramp is it? I thought this website didn’t have vindictiveness like that on here. Reported.

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Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:16

Clafoutie · 14/07/2024 18:03

Wow, Mumsnet is displaying a lot of judgemental attitudes across lots of threads today. I’m sorry this happened to you OP, you did nothing wrong. When can we stop needlessly judging each other? Life can be hard enough as it is for goodness sake.

I know, what the hell? I was literally calling my kid to come to me, not bouncing his head off a shelf!

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Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:20

Wisterialily · 14/07/2024 18:20

Op You are doing a great job! My son is three and a nightmare in public spaces. I am not a lax parent I have tone in my voice, clear instruction, boundaries.... but he still runs riot!

Every person on here has had the experience you have described with their young children, they either have forgotten or decided that being a keyboard warrior is far more entertaining.

I know it's hard when strangers judge, but remember they don't know you, your parenting and they are judging a micro moment in your child's life - says more about them than you!

Ignore the reins and trolley seats brigade too- these solutions are not always solutions to certain children. My child won't sit down in a trolley seat, and will collapse into a volcanic eruption if I dare put reins on him. Trying to rationalise with the unrational is like platting fog!

3 is such a tough time, you are surviving, they are thriving, it's absolutely normal behaviour... some tantrum battles you win, others you don't. But it's absolutely no reflection on you, it's just that dreaded developmental stage!

You are being a great mom.

Oh last thing a couple of weeks ago my son had a complete meltdown in a shoe shop, he absolutely wouldn't try on shoes, screaming so loudly bats could hear, he was a snot volcano. I decided to pack up our things and save the good people's ear drums but of course he grew a spine and wouldn't sit in his push chair. Kindly a man sat next to him and started pulling faces, the shop assistant brought him tissues, someone else started saying to him at his level how lovely his smile was. The kindness of strangers was unreal! We managed to get his feet measured in the pram and out with smiles.

Not every stranger judges, so don't be defeated! X

Thanks for your kind comments. Only joined today and don’t think I’ll be posting again from some of these comments. I’m starting to see maybe this site has regular trolls/holier than thous.

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Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:22

swimlyn · 14/07/2024 18:33

Lovely post!

Oh OP, you've described the whole situation well in your opening post.

She's a smug cow and you're a stressed mum trying to cope. Not Waitrose was it?

Show quote history

No, Morrisons lol.

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PurpleBugz · 15/07/2024 00:22

OP I have a daughter I would never shout at like that. And I have a son I shout at like that regularly!! Sometimes it's the child not the parenting and sometimes it's the parenting. The snapshot of your supermarket example is not enough to know if it's your parenting. But be assured you are not alone! I'm constantly judged for my son (he is ADHD) but if you only saw me with my dd I would look like I've raised a perfect angel. Don't let the judgy comments get to you when you have a boisterous poor listener who rails against rains and trolly seats you just can't win xx

AnotherNameChange0 · 15/07/2024 00:23

Ds 3 should be in the trolley!

Danfromdownunder · 15/07/2024 00:25

God I hate when parents talk to you through their children. It’s so passive aggressive and infantile. Imagine getting about constantly looking for people to judge then going through the verbal gymnastics to do it “subtly”. Fuck that.

AnotherNameChange0 · 15/07/2024 00:27

I wouldn't even want my dc running around in the supermarket, those floors are solid! You are the mum, make him sit in the trolley for his own safety.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 15/07/2024 00:29

Don't worry about judgemental jerks. Once her daughter reaches the teen years she'll be shouting plenty.

MaidOfAle · 15/07/2024 00:36

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It's not about emotional dysregulation but about projecting your voice so that that your kid can hear you.

MaidOfAle · 15/07/2024 00:43

Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:05

He doesn’t like the reins and plays up or whines until I take them off. He won’t sit in the trolley either as he’s quite big for his age and will literally try and climb out until he’s hanging half in and out lol

Show quote history

He needs reins whether he likes them or not.

If the fire alarm goes off, you need to be able to get him out now and you won't have time to wait whilst he plays silly buggers.

I saw a video someone took of the Trump assassination attempt and there's a woman repeatedly screaming "Ross! Get over here!" with escalating panic as the shooter continues to fire. Ross is clearly not "getting over here" and she has no way to keep him safe. In a fire alarm, that's you screaming for your son. Put him on reins.

Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 00:45

AnotherNameChange0 · 15/07/2024 00:23

Ds 3 should be in the trolley!

He’s the size of a 5 year old and weighs about 25kg, plus screams to get out or tries climbing out 😬

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violetto · 15/07/2024 00:51

Why are you "lol"ing??!!

Kids can be hard to handle, but you are the parent. She was in the wrong to openly judge you but maybe ask if perhaps you could do more in your approach to your child being "unruly" in supermarkets?!

Boltonb · 15/07/2024 01:01

I also have a runner. Except I don’t let him run around the supermarket, whilst I shout at him.

If your DS fits in a trolley, can you push it backwards, so that he’s facing forward? My 2 year old has much more patience in the trolley that way. Also, I have a couple of flash cards in my bag which I can give him to “help” with doing the shop and finding the things we need.

Distraction and engagement is much more effective than chasing and shouting, and actually easier and less stressful in the long run.

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/07/2024 01:18

violetto · 15/07/2024 00:51

Why are you "lol"ing??!!

Kids can be hard to handle, but you are the parent. She was in the wrong to openly judge you but maybe ask if perhaps you could do more in your approach to your child being "unruly" in supermarkets?!

Agree with this. He shouldn't be in charge of the situation.

Original poster
Cobweb121 · 15/07/2024 01:26

trelawney59 · 14/07/2024 18:49

How about engaging him in the shopping process? At 3 he’s old enough to recognise some different fruit & vegetables. Make a picture shopping list, sit him in the trolley or have a rule that he has to hold onto your hand or the side of the trolley or on reins. Ask him to look for the items on his list. I found small colour pictures of fruit/veg typed the name underneath (great for developing reading skills), laminated them and used hook and loop Velcro to attach them. Over time before we went shopping my DC would find the fruit/veg pictures and make the shopping list up. At the checkout get him to help pass suitable items onto the conveyor belt. Could also pack (drop) robust items purchased into a bag. Yes it’ll take longer but big him up ‘You’re a big boy now and you can help Mummy’. That way he has a positive focus and experience rather than a game of hide and seek or seeking interaction by misbehaving/running off. Lots of praise for everything he’s doing properly. Over time if you’re consistent it won’t take as long and he’ll genuinely be a help and not a hindrance when you have to go shopping.
Start as you mean to go with on. Did this with my own DC - as a single full time working parent as there was no other option for childcare and they’re never too young to start helping and learning some simple life skills.
Have confidence in how you want your child to behave, set clear and realistic boundaries (keep these positive rather than accentuating the behaviours you don’t want) that you remind him of before you enter the store, provide your child with opportunities to be engaged and don’t be afraid to parent and stick to your rules about how you expect him to behave. No need to bribe or negotiate. This might all be considered old fashioned advice.

Thanks for your advice, the place we were at had miniature trollies so he enjoyed pushing one of the along. He’ll cooperate to a degree and when we first start shopping but then he gets bored and restless, just toddlers I guess. He put a few things in his trolley at first lol. Problem is he always heads for the toy aisle though I try my best to avoid it and cannot get away from it until I’ve got him something. I just repeat myself constantly and he completely ignores me. Things haven’t been going great so I maybe haven’t put as much effort into things, but hoping things will be looking up soon.

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