Ds not invited to his best friend’s birthday.

[eaaudan]

My DS came home sobbing because he was not invited to his best friend’s birthday. I understand from what he said it was a small party of only 5 children. Took place at his BF’s home after school. He has been BF with the boy for about 3 years. Not aware of any issues between them or his BF’s parents. They both have regular playdates with each other. His BF told him an invite was sent to me, but I never received any and I do chat with his Bf’s mum, even did so days before the birthday. Obviously who his BF invites to his birthday is completely his choice. My question is how do I reassure DS. His sob today was so heartbreaking, I felt so sad for him knowing how much he has always liked his BF and always speaks so fondly of him. Parenting can be difficult especially when you know you have no control over situations like this that can be heartbreaking for children. Whats would you advise DS if in similar situation?

Was it a school party or a close family/ friends type thing? I think if other class mates were invited and your son and the birthday boy are almost certainly BF’s I would have to ask the mum if the invite erm, got lost?! I think I’d have to understand it myself to then give an appropriate explanation to DC. Sounds upsetting for your son x

That is very sad for your DS.

His BF told him an invite was sent to you. So it might not be his fault at all.

I would suggest you first find out from his mum.

There could have been a misunderstanding or the mum didn't want to invite your DS.

If the boys are quite young, tell your DS it wasn't his BF's fault and encourage him to remain friends.

Hopefully, he will get over it soon and something like this will not happen again.

This sounds very much like a missing invite situation. Have you checked in his school bag, inside the pages of any books in there?

Or was it a WhatsApp message that you missed or is in archives?

I'd assume the invite went missing?

look, up until early 20s, one of my friends would introduce themselves as 'travmelliiing's best friend' in my presence. I only considered them as friend and they knew my best friend (one of the friends) as did our respective parents.

do you and your ds may consider him his bf but maybe boy and his mum or boy or his mum don't or doesn't.

no reason not to invite him though if they were friends; however, if I only had one place, my then real best friend was always an automatic choice as I was hers. I recall a work trip that needed signing off quickly and she was asked to nominate 2 other pp, she automatically included me in- that kind of mutual closeness.

however, as an adult, I encourage my nieces to not have a best friend but to have many friends. my situation was different as our mums knew each other although we discovered it after we met independently and just liked each other.

My uni age son was left out of a weekend away with a couple of his school friends… it doesn’t get any easier. Sorry.

Thanks everyone. DS said his BF’s mum had sent invites via phone. It was a small birthday after school of which 5 other classmates were invited. DS said for days they all kept on talking about the birthday coming up and ideas on games they would play, DS had asked me if I had gotten the invite on my phone, I did check and none. He mentioned to BF several times before the birthday that I had not received any invite. His school bag was also checked just in case.I chatted via whats app with BF mum a few days before birthday about school activities but did not want to bring up not receiving an invite, maybe I should have? Honestly did not know is asking was appropriate. The boys are 9 years old. School year coming to an end and I am sure with the holidays he will get over it. But I felt so sad when DS asked if BF does not want to be friends with him anymore. I never felt their friendship was one sided, so this is shocking to me. Both boys are always eager for play dates and I have always found BF and his family friendly.

Why don't you just text his Mum??

Over the years they have always exchanged birthday cards calling themselves besties. I am hoping just a missing invite (though since sent via message, I really dont know), but that is a gentler and less heart breaking option.

Thanks @LittleEsme. I think
I will tomorrow.

I had this happen this year with my sons bff's (twins). They had my ds at every previous birthday from age 5-10. I never got an explanation but I invited them back to my DS party 2 weeks after theirs and they came as if nothing happened 🙃

I would text Mum say hope he had a lovely birthday and would he like to come for a playdate to celebrate with ds. Then it might open up lines of communication. This stuff is so tricky 😳

If he's 9 and he said the invitation was meant to come I'd imagine that it's just a mix up with WhatsApp numbers or something. Poor kid

I'd mention it to the mum and say sorry we didn't come to ?s party he said he sent my son one but we didn't receive it. X

Why didn't you just text the Mum and ask, especially as the boy told your DS that an invite had been sent.

This.

Surely, given all of the details, it was an error and this level of upset was totally avoidable with earlier intervention.

Thanks. Might be an error, might also be that BF mum had told BF an invite sent (maybe to appease him) when she actually did not send an invite or want DS there for whatever reason. Especially as DS had clearly told BF several times he had received no invite and BF should let his mum know. Anyway, the situation can not be changed at this point, birthday over. On my original post, I did say I was more interested really on how to reassure a heartbroken child for people who have experienced similar.

Once you know what has actually happened it will be much easier to comfort your child.
Explaining with the truth is always the best course of action. Just speak to the mum.

It's clear that the best friend wanted him there, so say that. Blame the mum and say that she didn't send the invite for some reason (either forgot or didn't want him there). That is a whole lot easier to take than rejection from your best friend. Let the mum be the bad guy in this.

His BF told him an invite was sent to me, but I never received any and I do chat with his Bf’s mum, even did so days before the birthday.

If you chatted to the mum in the days before the birthday she would have surely mentioned the party and asked if you were coming as you hadn't replied, if an invitation had been sent.

You can reassure your son that it was probably just a mix-up on the mum's part.

Hmm I don’t think I’d say anything. It seems there’s been plenty of opportunity for the mum to mention the party to you or to ask if your son was going. But she hasn’t. To me that feels like he was deliberately not invited. I guess it depends how much you feel like you want to know if that’s the case or not. If she turns round and admits that he wasn’t invited, what then? If she makes up an excuse, won’t you always feel suspicious about it? It’s crap for your son but it can’t be changed now. All very awkward to confront and I would just rather move on.

I am not being funny but maybe the BF doesn't consider him to be his BF. Maybe when the others were talking about the party the boy felt harassed by your son into saying his mum was sending an invitation. I think probably you should let it go this time. If you were speaking to the mum beforehand if she thought he was invited and you hadn't RSVPed she would most likely have said is mini-eaaudan coming to the party which to me suggests he wasn't invited especially for such a small party.

Also if 5 others were invited making 6 including the party boy this rather suggest to me that 6 was the number being catered for at an at home party.

or clear that OP's son was haranging party boy who felt cornered into saying my mum is dealing with it.

I get the impression that your son considers this boy his best friend, but the other boy is closer to other boys (and his mum might be closer to their mum's). Maybe he didn't want to hurt your son's feelings so pretended his mum text you an invite.

Thanks everyone for your advices. It is a tricky situation certainly. I have read all your comments and indeed several possibilities to this. Going forward, I won’t ask BF mum as BF does has the right to decide who he wants for this birthday, his mum too. Sad as it may be for my son, I have reassured him this morning that there are many possibilities and just maybe invite was missed. With the long holiday coming, likely by the new school year, it might all be behind him. I will also encourage him to make more friends too. At his age, it is nice have a close friend but also great having more than one buddy. Thanks again. I have found every input here helpful.

I want to know the answer, what did she say?