Ds not invited to his best friend’s birthday.

[eaaudan]

My DS came home sobbing because he was not invited to his best friend’s birthday. I understand from what he said it was a small party of only 5 children. Took place at his BF’s home after school. He has been BF with the boy for about 3 years. Not aware of any issues between them or his BF’s parents. They both have regular playdates with each other. His BF told him an invite was sent to me, but I never received any and I do chat with his Bf’s mum, even did so days before the birthday. Obviously who his BF invites to his birthday is completely his choice. My question is how do I reassure DS. His sob today was so heartbreaking, I felt so sad for him knowing how much he has always liked his BF and always speaks so fondly of him. Parenting can be difficult especially when you know you have no control over situations like this that can be heartbreaking for children. Whats would you advise DS if in similar situation?

This is really interesting. I am British but lived in Spain. My Spanish friends would be immediately asking face to face why he wasn’t invited.

I agree. For whatever reason it doesn't sound as if your DS was invited. Asking will just be so embarrassing for the Mum who will need to give a reason. Too awful No I wouldn't.

I wouldn't be bringing it up, I'm glad you're not. The other parent had plenty of opportunities to ask why you hadn't responded, was your son going- so no, he wasn't invited as far as I would be concerned. It's always upsetting when you don't get an invite, and don't know why, but if he's happy with the friendship, I would probably still,organise play dates over the summer, but also be trying to expand other friendships too, to try and increase your sons pool of friends

Just ask the Mother, all this Shilly shallying about teaches your child indecision, its a bad role model.

Honestly you and the other Mum are the grown ups in this situation. Just ask. The worst she could say is 'DS didn't want to invite him, I did double check and he said no.'

Agreed! Poor kid, sobbing his heart out because his mum won't speak up for him.

Do you often say ‘best friend’? I’d avoid the term if possible. It leads to a lot of upset over time. I tend to say ‘you’ve got lots of good friends’ and remind children that others have lots of friends too. ‘Best friends’ means only one person and it can put a lot of pressure on a relationship when friendships naturally change and evolve over time.

Having ‘lots of friends’ rather than a ‘best friend’ also gives your child freedom to grow, to choose, to move on, to expand his network, to have several friendship group (sport/hobby/ home/school…uni!) without feeling a particular obligation to one person that might
also have changed over time. It also doesn’t stop him having a naturally close friendship with one particular child!

I wouldn't set too much stock by a 9 year old saying who they'd invited. My son would sometimes come home saying he'd been invited to a party & I would sometimes not even know the child in question, they get carried away. The birthday kid might have initially decided not to invite your child and is then doing a bit of wishful thinking that they can change their mind but the mum said no because they are at capacity. Is it always you that makes the playdates?

Why would you not just ask the mum? So many times on here I see people putting their own weird social anxieties before the happiness of their children.

If the boy said they were sent by phone and the OP never received it and clearly didn't rsvp, which is normal etiquette, then her son was not included.
Having 5 friends over, he didn't make the cut for a smallish party.
Carrying on as normal is not sending a great message of self esteem to her son.
Better to explain these things can happen sometimes and that is why it is better to have more than one friend to play with.

He needs more friends, he needs to be involved in clubs and activities to help this along. The summer holidays are the perfect time to do this and to ask other boys from school over for play dates.
This will set him up better for September.

Continuing very regular play dates with someone who's mother who would do this is silly. Invest energy/time in other friendships and take it for whatever reason they do not value the friendship as much as your son did.
It happens. Accept it and learn from it.

God, never ask the parent.

Kids are fickle. Birthday party invites often have no rhyme or reason. The best thing to do is teach dc to shrug it off.

If it happens again, plan something exciting on the day of the party with another friend. The more angst ridden the parent is the more it rubs off on the dc.

Then obviously exclude his alleged best pal from any future parties..

I would text the mum straight away if either of DD's good friends had done this when she was little - certainly not all guns blazing but a polite enquiry as to whether an invitation may have gone astray.

I really think this is a missing invite situation. It sounds as if the BF did want your ds there and if mum hadn't wanted him there I don't think she'd be bothering with playdates etc. I get that mum's can be a bit bitchy and awkward but I don't get how these kids have been 'besties' at such a young age for so many years and yet you don't feel comfortable just asking mum what's occuring.....

I would ask the mum and find out what's up. Can't see any reason not to clarify things.

Your child said he’d been invited to his friend’s birthday before the event, was worried enough to ask you a couple of times, and you didn’t follow up directly with the other mother? Why? Why didn’t you trust your child when he’d said that he’d been invited?

I’m not trying to be mean, but if you want to console your son, you might consider if some of the upset is caused by you not trusting him and not taking him seriously.

You prioritised missing information (lack of text message) over positive information (kid saying he’s invited to best friend’s birthday) without taking any steps to determine what the true situation was. Was there something holding you back from just being direct with the other child’s mother and asking?

And you’re still not taking steps to get to the bottom of it? Don’t you think you should at least ask the other mother so you can get the whole picture and explain things to your child?

Perhaps your child is concerned that he was invited to a party and the adults failed to get him there and instead of owning the failure, the adults are saying that his best friend lied to him or that he himself has misunderstood the situation. But without any evidence, because they’re too scared to talk to each other!

Your son said he was invited - you should have put your big girl pants on and just asked!

You frame it politely - hey - no worries if not as I realise sometimes parties are kept small for lots of reasons - but X has been telling me he is invited to the party - I am happy to gently explain to him not this time but just wanted to be sure we hadn't missed an invitation.

I feel that was mean on your son not to at least find out - its more stressful for him to believe he was invited but not go.

@Janiie

God, never ask the parent.
**
Kids are fickle.
Then obviously exclude his alleged best pal from any future parties..

Ugh! How does that teach your child about dealing with difficult situations?

That's a horrible way to treat other children just because you have hang ups about communicating sensibly with other adults.

Clearly a case of he was not invited and no
birthday text was sent. Perhaps the friendship has drifted between the boys and you’re not aware of it. Sad for your DS but I would brush it off and carry on as normal.

If you'd prefer to fuck up a nice friendship by assuming the worst of people, teaching your kids to internalise their disappointment then retaliating, that's your prerogative.

I'd rather give people the benefit of the doubt and if I've been assured there's an invitation out there somewhere, I'd check. Before the party date so there's time to salvage the situation if it was indeed a mistake. Why do you mention angst? It's just a simple bloody question, a quick text.

Seriously - if this is an oversight on her point you’ve had a bunch of drama for nothing. Just ask- say “it’s no problem at all if he’s not invited but his bf said he was - just checking this wasn’t an oversight.”

It is only a difficult situation if you make it one, if we don't get an invite it means we are not invited it is not rocket science

Yes, this.

'I'd rather give people the benefit of the doubt and if I've been assured there's an invitation out there somewhere, I'd check'

You don't ask parents. You just accept it. If the dc was invited the parent would've mentioned it. We have to teach our kids how to shrug off this crap and do something fun to distract them. If the op's dc doesn't want to then invite his friend in future it is his choice, not a dramatic 'retaliation'.

Kids always say everyone is invited when they aren't. They're immature <because they are kids> and can't cope with socially awkward situations.