Ds not invited to his best friend’s birthday.

[eaaudan]

My DS came home sobbing because he was not invited to his best friend’s birthday. I understand from what he said it was a small party of only 5 children. Took place at his BF’s home after school. He has been BF with the boy for about 3 years. Not aware of any issues between them or his BF’s parents. They both have regular playdates with each other. His BF told him an invite was sent to me, but I never received any and I do chat with his Bf’s mum, even did so days before the birthday. Obviously who his BF invites to his birthday is completely his choice. My question is how do I reassure DS. His sob today was so heartbreaking, I felt so sad for him knowing how much he has always liked his BF and always speaks so fondly of him. Parenting can be difficult especially when you know you have no control over situations like this that can be heartbreaking for children. Whats would you advise DS if in similar situation?

This happened with my childs birthday, I had created a whatsapp group for the invitees but one mum had her privacy settings set up so that she couldnt be added to groups automatically, so she was never added. And never got the invite.

'Seriously - if this is an oversight on her point you’ve had a bunch of drama for nothing. Just ask- say “it’s no problem at all if he’s not invited but his bf said he was - just checking this wasn’t an oversight.”

Honestly, no. Embarrassing for the parent desperately trying to swing an invite and the parent going 'oh umm, sorry no'. We've all been there! either our dc left out or our dc have excluded others, as long as only 1 out of a class of 30 isn’t excluded just accept it, it is how it goes. Move on.

Based on some of the responses to this thread, there are kids missing out on parties all across this land because their parents think so little of them that they just don’t believe them. Of course this must be true - adults don’t believe children in all kinds of important situations - but it’s kind of awful seeing the adults describe their attitudes in their own words. Yes, kids are kids, but if you don’t default to believing your own children, you are going down the wrong path.

You surely knew she wasn't on the group so therefore could've messaged her individually? Or, I don't know even sent out old fashioned paper invites for those not in your group chat?

No, her whatsapp is a business account, and for some reason I couldnt see she wasnt on the group, it showed as having invited her into the group but not that she didnt accept the invitation.
I just assumed she was on the group I created. I did realise on time as she hadnt replied and sent her a separate msg.

Sorry what? Of course you should ask her, stand up for your son!

Just say, "Hi name, DS has mentioned that X invited him to the party but I can't see/remember an invite, just wanted to check if he'd misunderstood?"

I don't understand the point of this post, @eaaudan.

If you think the mum might have forgotten to invite your DS, why not just ask her about it?

It's really bloody weird that you and your DS apparently knew in advance that the party was happening and the friend appeared to think DS had been invited but you did nothing to follow up with the mum, let your DS miss the party without understanding why, and are now posting on Mumsnet about it instead of asking the mum whether there was a mistake.

If a mother had invited her son of such a small group and not had a reply, the obvious thing is to double check was it received. She didn't, because he wasn't.
If they have regular play dates it is unlikely that the OP wouldn't have acknowledged the text.
I think he just wasn't included.
Also the little boy kept saying he was invited and highlighted likely he would have repeated the conversation and his mother would have clarified......but she didn't.
I don't think he was invited.

So if you didn’t ask mum and she thinks she sent a invitation she now thinks you’ve ignored it.
Why on earth won’t people just ask? Are we so afraid of awkwardness that we think the sky might fall in if we confront a situation?!
Far better to leave the children upset & confused eh 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

This could easily have been cleared up by just asking the mum. If the birthday boy hadn't told DS that he was invited and the mum had sent invites out it would be a different story. But he did, so that should have been cleared up for everyone's sake. Just a message saying that birthday child had told DS he had an invite but you hadn't received one so wondered whether it had got lost etc and then something like not a problem if he hasn't been invited because of numbers but you'd like to clear up any confusion with your son.

Do people not communicate with anyone any more?

Yeah, actually I do ask parents.

You can do whatever the hell you like but you don't get to tell me what to do.

Years ago I had this but the other way around. Flustered mother called saying my DD had said her daughter was invited and daughter was sure DD was telling the truth. She was incredibly apologetic and just asked for clarity-I was very relieved because there had been a mixup. The school insisted that all invites were handed to teacher to put in school bags to avoid playground upset. God knows what happened to that one invite but at least the Mum called and it was sorted. I do think it’s worth finding out the lay of the land in these situations-then you know and can move forward. It would have been completely sensible to send a message saying there seems to be a bit of confusion, could she clarify, no worries if he’s not invited. No need for drama and then your son would know for sure.

In which case the other mum can say "He wasn't invited", and the OP knows where they stand. Much better than guessing.

Oh op I completely understand how upsetting this is. Exactly the same happened to my daughter. I now don't talk to the mum because of this, I get all children can't be invited but excluding one from a tight nit friendship group is just nasty!

It is part of life! All the boys "cancelled" last minute on my DS: He cried and cried, I allowed him the day off school with permission. Guess what he had a lovely day out with some friends that are neighbours! He now has a new group of friends that are more reliable!

Really? Did you ever actually TALK to the other mum or just made ridiculous assumptions that only end up hurting your own child?

I find all of the posters who are terrified to have an adult conversation with another mum to clear up any potential misunderstanding absolutely baffling!

I can only hope that none of you hold any managerial positions at work. 😂

You seem quite attached to the idea of the 'best friend' which in my experience is something girls care about a lot more than boys. Im glad to see you are looking to broaden his friendship group - it seems like the sensible thing to do.
Best friends can be very changeable at that age - its good to have a few good friends imho.

This happened to my eldest when he was around the same age - he was so upset not to be invited to his BF’s birthday and even more so when the BF invited the ‘popular’ boys that rarely gave him the time of day instead of DS. DS had other friends, but they were each other’s bezzies. My feelings on the boy (and his mum - as parents of young children it’s up to us to guide them) definitely cooled after that.

My DC are much older now, but if they were that age again I would definitely ask in these circumstances - she’s maybe thinking you ignored her. Far better to clarify.

I’m a bit of a chicken but would get a card for the child like every other year and see if it comes up when you give it to the mom.

I think it is really strange that you have had all this upset and hurt with your son, but you haven't actually asked the mother if he was meant to have an invite or not. So you have prioritized your discomfort with asking a quick question over your son's feelings.

You could tell the mum that he was sad not be at his friend's party.
She'll either explan why or clear up the potentially missing invitation.

Yep. I just don’t get why you wouldn’t ask casually

you’re about to discourage the friendship / encourage distance over what could be an oversight

OP- are you going to invite your son’s best friend to your son’s birthday party?

Imagine if the mum is the same as you OP, but on the other side of the fence - I wouldn't be surprised to see a thread pop up on here along the lines of 'So upset, I sent a whatsapp invite to DS's best friend's mum for his birthday party. DS was so excited but she's not RSVP'd and hasn't mentioned it when we've chatted recently. I don't want to bring it up it I don't want to sound pushy. DS is so upset that his friend didn't come to his party, even though he said he was coming, but I'm not going to bring it up. Obviously they're not as good friends as I thought".

To be fair I do think the onus is on the party giver to chase up invites, but people are are busy and things get misses. You wouldn't have lost anything by asking her and several PP have given perfectly acceptable ideas for how to word it so that you're not coming across as begging for an invite.

My DD is coming to the end of reception and we've had multiple 'lost party invite' incidents this year. It happens.

“fleabites · Today 11:17
This could easily have been cleared up by just asking the mum. If the birthday boy hadn't told DS that he was invited and the mum had sent invites out it would be a different story. But he did, so that should have been cleared up for everyone's sake. Just a message saying that birthday child had told DS he had an invite but you hadn't received one so wondered whether it had got lost etc and then something like not a problem if he hasn't been invited because of numbers but you'd like to clear up any confusion with your son.

Do people not communicate with anyone any more?”

This with bells on. I had a similar situation with my elder daughter and I did very politely ask whilst making clear that I completely understood if she wasn’t invited on that occasion. As it happened, on that occasion she wasn’t because of pressure on numbers but the mum and I had a very comfortable and good-natured conversation about it. There were no difficulties going forward. But agree with PP - you may want to focus on widening your son’s social group a bit as friendships can fluctuate a lot.