Ds not invited to his best friend’s birthday.

[eaaudan]

My DS came home sobbing because he was not invited to his best friend’s birthday. I understand from what he said it was a small party of only 5 children. Took place at his BF’s home after school. He has been BF with the boy for about 3 years. Not aware of any issues between them or his BF’s parents. They both have regular playdates with each other. His BF told him an invite was sent to me, but I never received any and I do chat with his Bf’s mum, even did so days before the birthday. Obviously who his BF invites to his birthday is completely his choice. My question is how do I reassure DS. His sob today was so heartbreaking, I felt so sad for him knowing how much he has always liked his BF and always speaks so fondly of him. Parenting can be difficult especially when you know you have no control over situations like this that can be heartbreaking for children. Whats would you advise DS if in similar situation?

See post above yours in which the OP states, "Going forward, I won’t ask BF mum as BF does has the right to decide who he wants for this birthday, his mum too."

If BF said there was an invite I would touch base with the other mom. At least call out the lying. And if not then ask if there are issues you don’t no know about. Don’t bring up the invite again, as you said he can invite whomever. Just verify you didn’t miss anything.

Absolutely this. Much better to know - what if BF’s mum is thinking you’re rude for never replying or attending the party which she forgot to invite you to?

A good time to teach that you don't always get invited where you think you will.

Nothing needs to change, I wouldn't raise it with the mum - it's happened so move on.

It'll cause more problems mentioning it.

Has your son got another close friend? I'd maybe make a play date with them just as a reminder that he can value other friendships.

yes kids have to understand they won't always get invited, this does seem to be particularly hurtful with all the talk in school about the party & the fact they play outside school regularly.

I wouldn't bother asking because it doesn't really change anything, the party is over & done with.

I would totally ask the Mum. You dont have to phrase it in a rude way. It's perfectly possible the invite wasn't sent, maybe her phone lost signal and she didn't notice and is wondering why you didn't respond or show up. By not following up, you're teaching your child to work on assumptions rather than being brave enough to ask a direct question and to communicate.

I couldnt agree more. Its such an unhealthy part of British culture, dont rock the boat rather than a simple question. Its more out of fear of unpleasntness than anything, and as you say rests on assumptions.
What actually happens are misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Yeah, I totally agree! I've lived in Europe and Europeans are so different, they would just ask immediately.

If we send invitations out and a parent asked me why their child was not invited other than 'because they were not invited' what else should we say?

I cannot understand a situation where I would ask another parent why my child was not invited to an event

Tricky. Mum had plenty of opportunity to ask you, confirm if ds was coming, why you hadn't rsvp'd. But she didn't.

I would ask the mum. Let's assume the invite isn't lost in the post: if there's something going on between them/ if your son has done something that means the mother doesn't want to invite him, surely you need to know? I'd actually approach it from that angle rather than the 'must have been a mistake' angle. Eg:

Hi X. I wanted to check in with you on y's party last weekend. I didn't ask beforehand because obviously you and Y are free to invite whoever you want. I'm just wondering if something I'm not aware of has happened between the boys or if there have been some issues with DS during past playdates? I know that they're growing up and friendships can change, but I did think they were still very close. If something has happened, I'd really like to know so that I can address it with DS.

I just think that 'it was a mistake' sounds like wishful thinking given how much you're in contact with the mum. You may not get a straight answer but equally, I'd really want to know and I wouldn't want to give up with at least trying. I wouldn't mention the friend saying 'my mum says she invited you' that could easily be a child not knowing how to say 'you're not invited'.

But the boy said he was invited. Just say “Tom mentioned Timmy js invited to his party, sorry if I missed the invite with details.”
Op is massively overthinking this and I assume a 9 year old knows the guest list or who he wanted invited. There is a way to ask without being pushy about it and if they are “besties” there is no reason to assume he wasn’t invited.

I would have messaged the mum to say, "Hi x asked son if he was coming not his party? But he didn't get an invite? Let me know if he's supposed to be going! If not, don't worry. Thanks." Then we'd know either way. Your son doesn't have to reciprocate any more, if he hasn't been invited. If that's the case, widening his circle of friends would be better for him.

The mum never mentioned the party nor commented on the OP'S son not attending.
I would think he was not invited.
Time to expand his friendship group and I would leave any playdates in their hands.
If it was deliberate, it wasn't kind, though it is their right.
But I would be focusing on other friends going forward.
Not good to give your child the message that he can be left out but must carry on as normal. These things do cause hurt.

I think it is extremely unwise to invest in one friendship too much they are young, or ever in fact. Best to have a number of friends that you spend time with.
Safer in the long run IMO.

Next year encourage a wider circle of friends, including outside of school with clubs if you can. It’s hurtful and all you can do is gives hugs, acknowledge that it’s very hard when these things happen and being upset is natural. But this happens to everyone at some stage. I’d wait on them to suggest the next play date though.

Unfortunately you must now realise that ds is not the bf of this other child. If he was, and mum was happy with the friendship, he would have been there, over and beyond any other 'friend'. Ds needs to broaden his friendship group.

So tough. I think in the nicest possible way your DS needs to grow his friendships with others - maybe you could help with that. Assuming not a lost invite etc and others in the class went, he is not a BF. Tricky but it will come out in the wash.

Three things could have happened

1. bfs mum didn't know and is wondering why ds didn't turn up
2. ds has done something bad or weird at their house or been rude so she didn't know how to handle him
3. dynamic between ds and other friends is difficult at the moment

Just because a child says something does not make it true and no I am not saying they are lying but my child when young mentioned lots of things to them were the truth but not exactly what was reality

I still would not contact the parent

I wouldn’t ask outright about invites and where they might or might not be. But if you were chatting anyway I would have asked what they were doing for the BF’s birthday since you know it’s coming up, say you hope he has a good day etc. I did this recently with my ds’s good friend. Not for any ulterior motive, because I thought they were likely to be away for it and they don’t usually do big parties anyway. But it turns out they are having a big party and looked at me really weirdly when I asked about his birthday and said “well you know it’s all arranged don’t you”. Turns out an invite had gone astray in this case. So in your case it would definitely have been worth a gentle probe about it. But equally I would go out of my way to ensure my child’s best friend was at a party, down to what date I go for. So perhaps the friendship is in flux. My ds is 9 and it’s been an up and down year for friendship.

It's horrible isn't it. A few years ago my son was excluded from a party by his best friend, but his mum told me that 'Alfie' was having a party on Saturday and was letting me know because my son wasn't invited, but explained that he had decided to exclusively only invite boys from his football team. All members of said football team went to the same school.

It is very sensible if you to just forget it now and think in the way that it is up to the friend who he invites.
Your son will forget about it soon enough.
if they see themselves as besties Obote the friend over on the holidays and they can have a nice day together and all will be forgotten.
it will all turn out in the end.

I would contact the mum and just clarify, say sorry if invite was sent as U didn't receive it. If she told her son an invite was sent when it wasn't, that's disgraceful. At least she will be found out for lying.
My DS now 14, has been "dumped" by friends in the past, always me who asked friends over, was never reciprocated. He has a couple of friends just now who cancel on him regularly although they were playing football yesterday.
He is shy and quiet and never wants to join clubs although I keep suggesting ones to go to. It's so hard as DD has a lovely friendship group who have sleepovers etc

It's okay to feel sad. Birthdays are for celebrating with close friends, and sometimes the list is small. But that doesn't change how much his friend likes him! Let's plan a fun day together, just you and me.

In those circumstances, I would have cornered the BF’s mum at school and just asked outright if DS was invited as he seemed to think he had been but I hadn’t seen an invitation.

In my book, being clear and direct stops all this belly aching speculation nonsense.