Opinion? Putting 3 year old in garden to calm down

[redfox92]

Me and my partner are currently in a heated debate because he doesn’t agree with me.
My 3 year old son is extremely strong willed and throws the worst tantrums to the point where you don’t want to be around him because he makes your blood boil. Shouting hitting screaming at the top of his lungs. Yesterday I put him in the garden alone. Dressed appropriately loads of things to do and occupy him. However my partner is saying this is neglect and the social will get involved. I literally left him out there for about 20 mins in total, having opened the door and spoken to him several times as he’s asking to come in. (I can see him through the bifold doors the whole time) He was told calmly each time, when you stop screaming and crying your welcome back inside. His dad works nights and was asleep upstairs, I have a nearly 2 year old along with a 4 year old. There’s enough noise in the house anyway without the added stress of the 3 year old melt down, and I’m sick of trying to reason with a 3 year old who clearly doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be regulating his emotions. Now am I out of order? He came back very apologetic and smiling. I think I done a good thing, my partner believes I’ll have the kids taken off me if neighbours hear about my parenting.
Please help… who’s right!?!?!

I understand trying to have a child in a safe space to calm down when things are escalating but probably need to try to create a safe space with something calming like a yoto or tonies playing or something in the bedroom

Picture if you saw a child screaming and crying and asking to come in at a neighbours house and them just being left there crying at the door for 20 minutes

I don't think its wrong, but I do think neighbours might get the wrong idea. I would rather contain him in a room in the house

There Isn’t a black and white answer to this but it’s definitely not at the social services level 🤣

The good - actually, a change of environment can help calm them down, and, it is better to leave them safe and walk away rather than lose your shit with them.

The not so good - I personally wouldn’t choose to say ‘you can come in when you’ve calmed down’, generally I’d aim for the kind engagement ‘it looks like you’re so angry, I understand, it can be hard to feel that, if you need to make noise about it then do that outside, I’ll be here/in the kitchen/ etc if you need my help or a hug’

To add - in the bedroom scenario I wouldn't lock them in/prevent them coming out just talk about a 'cool down area' and use it, and then encourage them to choose to use it. They need to feel safe when calming if you need space and safety for the siblings and yourself, but not trapped/abandoned

Not wrong, not ideal but not wrong.

Perhaps if he's still upset but not screaming, offer a hug when he comes to the door. This might help him to calm down a bit.

No I wouldn’t leave them out there.

You can take out there, let him calm down in sandpit whilst you sit on back door step so others are inside and him outside for space to calm down. But I would just put him outside alone and shut door.

How nice for your neighbours!

20 minutes is too much

It’s not unreasonable to use the garden to change his scenery but it’s absolutely unreasonable to put him out there by himself. He’s three. He needs help to manage his emotions. I can’t see how isolating him will help at all.

He needs to feel safe and supported to be able to calm down, or he’s just going to learn to mask.

It’s also not outside the realms of possibility that someone would report a three year old upset in the garden alone for 20 minutes, especially if they kept asking to come in and it was refused.

I understand trying to have a child in a safe space to calm down when things are escalating but probably need to try to create a safe space with something calming like a yoto or tonies playing or something in the bedroom

Yes... a garden is unlikely to be a properly safe space.

No, I don't think this is the right way to deal with this. He needs to know he is loved. You should provide that safe space to allow/help him calm down. Nothing to do what neighbours'/ children's services opinion is.

But I’m watching him through huge windows the whole time. He sat at the top of the garden in his dig pit. I tried to calm him down, tried hugs. Once he was calm he came to me for a hug. I can’t put him in his room without him waking his dad up who works 12 hours and has constant interruptions from the kids daily without him having the be woken up by the devil. Also when he’s like that I feel I can’t help but ignore the other kids and he’s just getting the attention he wants good or bad. I don’t know the answer but thankyou all for your replies. Maybe 20 mins was abit too long, he should have calmed down sooner.

you say "learn to mask" as if it is bad thing, rather than what every person in a society learns to do as they are growing up and vital for the smooth running of individual lives, and society as a whole

Now am I out of order?

Yes, you are.

I know you're trying you best, but there are other ways to deal with this.

Imagine the message your toddler is getting - when I can't manage my emotion mum shuts me outside. Who helps him learn? Who shows compassion?

My neighbour used to do it and bloody hell it was a nightmare hearing the kid crying banging at the windows that he wanted to be let in. It could last for 1 hour sometimes. I often found a lot of their toys thrown into my garden and once she was mad at me because my dog has bursted their kids ball. They have since moved out. I understand it is hard dealing with kids but unless you have no neighbours please don't putting outside, use the naughty steps or a corner of your house.

Sometimes a child who is dysregulated needs to calm down, however shutting him out the house when he is crying to come in is not going to help him calm down and is in fact really quite cruel. You should be teaching him how to regulate his emotions.

Try calmly saying that you can see he is upset, ask if he would like a hug or to sit in his 'safe space' (create a safe space like a nice bean bag or pile of cushions). When he is calm reassure him that his big feelings are valid but that doesn't mean it's ok to deal with them like this. E.g. if you said no to going on the games console and he had a meltdown acknowledge that it's ok to be disappointed but as his parent you also need to protect him and too much gaming is bad for his brain. Or if he wants sweets and you said no, say "Oh I understand, sugar is so yummy but we mustn't eat too much because its bad for our teeth etc. You can then add consequences for behaviours you don't want e.g. If you kick mummy then you won't get to watch TV this afternoon.

My mum used to do that with me - sent me to stand under the tree in the garden until I had calmed down. She could see me from the kitchen window. It was fine, I haven't been scarred for life.

You're sick of trying to reason with a 3 year old who doesn't have the emotional capacity to regulate his own emotions.... Yeah that's a you problem. That's on you to help him regulate and learn how to react or calm down. If you think shutting a screaming 3 year old out in the garden is going to achieve that then you are sorely mistaken. Sounds likes he's an inconvenience to you whilst dealing with your other children.

I'd say this is emotional neglect abuse. You need to find out about WHY the meltdowns happen.
ABC-
A= antecedant, what happens immediately before
B=behaviour, what actually is the behaviour
C=consequence, what is the real outcome of the behaviour.
Does he get more physical attention, picked up etc, does he need an adult to co-regulate with him, does he need something else....
It's fine putting a non distressed child in garden if supervised but not because you can't cope. Learn about self regulation and buy some sensory toys, wobble board, gym ball, small climbing frame.

You don't want to send him to his bedroom in case he disturbs his dad, so you send him outside to disturb your neighbours?

so 20 minutes was too long because he should have calmed down sooner - it’s not necessarily something you can control, even as an adult if you spiral it is hard to get it back

then as well in order to prevent the noise in the house you removed it from yourself and put it onto your neighbours, if I heard a child screaming for 20 minutes I would both be concerned and pissed

so what was the actual tantrum about. It sounds as if having to keep the noise down with 3 under 4 is causing everyone stress and understandably the 3 year old is reacting so how to deal with children in the house plus your partner getting sleep should be a good starting point

tantrums don’t occur in a vacuum there is clearly a lot here that triggers it

I think realistically you cannot expect to work Night shifts and sleep in peace in a household with a 2, 3, and 4 year old home all day.

Can older 2 children not go to nursery now? Then your partner gets say 8am-1pm to sleep in peace, you aim to take 2 year old out most mornings to activities. Then after lunch from 2pm your partner has to wake and help so there’s 2 of you with the 3 of them a few hours bore he works again

You can’t expect 3 under school age to not be loud

My dad did this to me when I was 7 and having a meltdown. I still think of it as one of the poorest parenting decisions he made. It sent the message that he only wanted me if I met his standards and wasn't good enough as my real emotional self, and didn't help me to manage my emotions at all, it just made me not trust him.

I may be biased, but I think it's a terrible parenting decision to make. It's your job to help him learn to manage his overwhelming emotions, not lock him away to deal with them on his own and let him back in the house when he's done that.

I don't think its awful but I think in terms of practicality long term it won't serve well, coming into winter, colder weather, night time tantrums etc. I've got two boys my eldest is suspected adhd his tantrums can be off the chart. When he was younger I would tell him he's going to cool off in his room and keep putting him back in his room continually until he calmed down. There were times I would shout and lose my cool but looking back I think it just escalated the situation. He still has bad tantrums now (5) I use the same practice it's just easier to communicate now but it's still a work in progress. I feel for you I really do, but maybe see if there are other things you can implement? Does he go nursery?