Opinion? Putting 3 year old in garden to calm down

[redfox92]

Me and my partner are currently in a heated debate because he doesn’t agree with me.
My 3 year old son is extremely strong willed and throws the worst tantrums to the point where you don’t want to be around him because he makes your blood boil. Shouting hitting screaming at the top of his lungs. Yesterday I put him in the garden alone. Dressed appropriately loads of things to do and occupy him. However my partner is saying this is neglect and the social will get involved. I literally left him out there for about 20 mins in total, having opened the door and spoken to him several times as he’s asking to come in. (I can see him through the bifold doors the whole time) He was told calmly each time, when you stop screaming and crying your welcome back inside. His dad works nights and was asleep upstairs, I have a nearly 2 year old along with a 4 year old. There’s enough noise in the house anyway without the added stress of the 3 year old melt down, and I’m sick of trying to reason with a 3 year old who clearly doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be regulating his emotions. Now am I out of order? He came back very apologetic and smiling. I think I done a good thing, my partner believes I’ll have the kids taken off me if neighbours hear about my parenting.
Please help… who’s right!?!?!

Op my son is 4.5 and although we never used time out/naughty step at around 3ish he would take himself off to another room when angry/upset. At first we'd check in on him but this made him more upset so we started saying "ok, you're upset, it's ok to need some space. We're here whenever you're ready/need us" or something variant on that.

At first he'd kick off for like half an hour but now it's literally minutes, some days he doesn't even get up the stairs before he's calmed down (unless he's really upset/disregulated)

The difference is, this is his natural way of coping. We never used it as a shame/punishment and we always let him know we're here for him.

Leaving a 3 year old crying outside for almost half an hour is really not good. He'll sense your attitude of "being sick of dealing with him" and tbh your update of "maybe it was too long, he should have calmed down sooner" totally misses the point - he's 3 it's YOUR job to stay calm and manage him, not his job to sense mum is sick of him and too busy so he's got to stay outside the house.

Also, you say "appropriate clothing"... Was it raining?? If you keep doing this, what will you do in winter? I know I sound precious but it's easy to get into a rut and do the same thing to "solve" issues so honestly, what will you do when it's too wet or cold to stick your screaming child outside? You need a better way of dealing with it.

Does his dad wear noise cancelling headphones when he's sleeping in the day? My friends husband does this and honestly he'd sleep through anything with them on and the door locked! Might be worth looking into as even minus the tantrums it can't be easy with 3 kids to juggle knowing he's trying to sleep.

Please speak to your heath visitor about this, it's what they are there for. They will probably have courses or resources to help you.

A house with 3 preschoolers needs to be full if routine and structure. Get out of the house to a group every morning if possible.

I think this is very true unfortunately.

I think you're getting a hard time tho. I have no idea if what you did is right or wrong but you have a lot going on, 3 kids at those ages (any ages!) is very hard work. You're under pressure and doing your best, the fact you've asked this question shows that you are a parent who cares. Perhaps your DP can start stepping in a bit more or revise his working hours now that family life requires it?

he should have calmed down sooner

No, you shouldn't have left him for 20 mins.

Is this a reverse??

Our former NDN did this with her 3 year old and it was awful to witness. The kid would scream and beg to be let in, trying to pull the door handle because the mum had locked it while she stayed inside. On the third occasion I was about to call SS when my ten-year-old leaned out of the window and shouted “why are they being so cruel to [kid’s name]” and suddenly the door opened and the child was let in and they never did it again. While it does sound like your DS was calmer, don’t underestimate how appalled your neighbours will be if they see you chucking him outside and locking him out.

don’t underestimate how appalled your neighbours will be if they see you chucking him outside and locking him out.

Absolutely.

I don't think I would be able to stop myself going out there and supporting the toddler to regulate myself.

But then I'd know that would make the mum feel guilt, which I would feel bad about inducing. But the child's needs would trump that.

At three years old he isn't capable of calming himself down from a tantrum/meltdown just because you ask him to. So saying that he can come in when he's calmed down is sort of setting him up to fail - his brain isn't mature, that's why he's having the tantrum, isolating him in a time out situation because of something he isn't fully able to control and then telling him that the only way he can get out of that isolation is by doing the thing his brain isn't mature enough to do isn't the best way to deal with a tantrum.

Yep, I was worried about piling on mum guilt too but when you’ve watched a child seriously in distress scream to be let in for half an hour your concern does trump that.

I think if a meltdown is occurring a change in activity can be good but it needs to be managed by an adult at that age. Plus, I wouldn't want a child associating time in the garden with being punished so yes, I think you were unreasonable. I do think having 3 children under 4 must be a lot of pressure though, so decisions are probably made quickly and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.

If a neighbour of mine did this to a three year old child, I would report them. My neighbours would never do this thankfully.
Distract, distract if they have a tantrum. Don't make them feel Mum is not a safe place if their emotions blow out of control.
Many years ago, thirty odd years. I know an adoptive mother who would lock her adopted daughter in her bedroom if the little girl had a tantrum and yes, the adoption team did get involved.
I look after three of my four years old and under grandchildren four days a week. They have a lot of meltdowns caused by frustration.
I am a teacher and all children respond to kindness, love and a willingness to listen. I always do my best to distract them, tv is great for this in the very short term.
I really believe that children who are treated with respect and kindness learn to treat others in the same way.

The issue with having him in the garden, even if you're watching, is that it is not a safe place for him to be. There are a hundred things he could do,especially in a rage that could hurt him.So his safety could be compromised.

Then it's the fact that at 3 that is rejection and abandonment to him. He won't understand that he's out to calm down he just knows mummy doesn't want him anymore, put him outside and shut the door. He won't be able to tell time or have any idea if you're opening the door again. Never mind the fact that he could start associating the garden with being punished/bad and be scared of playing there, refuse to go for fun.That compromises his emotional and mental wellbeing.

Thanks for everyone’s responses. Clearly I’m failing the children. I do try my very best and feel instead of screaming or shouting back at him that was a reasonable solution at the time. Not to say I’ll be doing it indefinitely for the future especially not in bloody winter, im not actively trying to be neglectful im genuinely just trying to get by daily without having to dedicate so much time to one child who can bed so demanding. And to all that say go to nursery yes the two older kids started in January and it’s been great however it’s not enough when you’re working a 50 hour week nights and generally are exhausted. I work 14 hours shifts on his days off, we do not get a break at all except when they’re at nursery and even then we have the near 2 year old. We work shifts 4 on 4 off, and so weekends kids will be in the house unless we go out. I’m literally living in poverty this past year so can’t even afford fuel to go out with them. The local park is full of tramps riding motorcycles I don’t want them socialising there when I have a beautiful big back garden better than a park.
really appreciate everyone’s honesty and I’ll look at creating a safe place inside with bean bags as someone mentioned. The argument was over him being given a chocolate bar. He wanted a f different one, I gave it to him and it was snapped. He wasn’t happy. Kicking off he wanted another. I didn’t have another to give! The broken one was fine and tastes the bloody same! Mind blown at these children and the way their brains work.
Again thanks everyone. I won’t put him in the garden alone again.

But it did work. He calmed down and apologised. Took some time but didn’t take any longer than his tantrums last in the house … he just got some fresh air this time. And I got a break from his noise. Again not saying I’m right just explaining my thoughts as I’m reading these comments. 😳

So you say your blood is boiling but you want your three year old to do better?

Nope. You need to up the parenting skills and find a reasonable solution. All you are doing is teaching him when he expresses a feeling I get put out.

And to the pp suggesting it will encourage masking which we want people to express their feelings in a healthy manner, not mask and explode.

Get out and about for a block of time to reduce impact on partners sleep. The fresh air and activities will help your child regulate their feelings. It will help you also, fresh air exercise, less stress trying to keep the children quiet.

It’s fine, not ideal but ok.

If you don’t have an appropriate space in the house (eg safe room where he won’t disturb your sleeping husband who has to sleep in order to earn a living) then the garden suffices. As you noted OP, 20 minutes was too long so maybe 5-10 next time.

But parenting a 2 year old, a 3 year old and a four year old while your husband works nights is insane! Do whatever you need to do to survive. Do you have family, community support?

It sounds like a tough situation. Sometimes when little kids are tantruming like that there's absolutely nothing you can do to calm them. All you can do is work on keeping yourself calm and not reacting to it.

I wouldn't actually agree that it worked as a strategy if it took him 20 minutes to calm down.

How would you feel if you turned up to nursery and he was outside on his own having a tantrum with the doors locked and a staff member watching him through the window? And you found out he'd been out there 20 minutes? Would you find that acceptable?

I’d also proactively mention to your neighbours next time you see them -

Eg “Hi, sorry for the noise in the garden, struggling to deal with tantrums especially while DH sleeps, trying new tactics - it will get better, let me know if it’s really disturbing you, thanks”

You cannot make a toddler apologise for being unable to regulate their emotions! And it didn’t work, the poor kid just cried himself into submission for half an hour. Also agree with PP that you are creating an association in his mind between the garden and being punished. Please find an alternative way!

A change of light and temperature can help a tantruming child to calm down. The garden is a good idea. However, he'll need supervision and the neighbours won't be happy if this is a regular occurrence.

Remember naughty step is 1 min per year of age. So honestly 20 min way too long for a time out.
So fine to give him a chance to time out and calm down but definitely not that long. If he's still apoplectic after that long I'd say the approach isn't working

You're blaming a small child for having overwhelming emotions, but you are not helping him learn how to manage them. You are shutting him out aka abandoning him when his emotions are overwhelming. This in your OP was concerning He was told calmly each time, when you stop screaming and crying your welcome back inside.

I agree with your partner, you need to learn to support your child with difficult emotions, so that they can learn to calm themselves down.

You need to read about children and how they develop, your expectations are completely unrealistic.

Yes, they cry about tiny things. Your job is to distract, soothe and teach them how to cope.

He was asking to come in but you left him out there? Nothing wrong with him playing out to burn off his energies if that is his choice, but not enforced or with him upset and crying.

OP you’re getting a hard time here. Don’t overthink this. Take the helpful advice and don’t beat yourself up. You have so much on your hands parenting three toddlers and working, go easy on yourself.

We’ve all done things that are not recommended in parenting books when at end of our tether. There’s a lot of holier than thou attitudes on this thread.
Hope IRL people are helping you.

Oh dear God no. Please don't do this