Opinion? Putting 3 year old in garden to calm down

[redfox92]

Me and my partner are currently in a heated debate because he doesn’t agree with me.
My 3 year old son is extremely strong willed and throws the worst tantrums to the point where you don’t want to be around him because he makes your blood boil. Shouting hitting screaming at the top of his lungs. Yesterday I put him in the garden alone. Dressed appropriately loads of things to do and occupy him. However my partner is saying this is neglect and the social will get involved. I literally left him out there for about 20 mins in total, having opened the door and spoken to him several times as he’s asking to come in. (I can see him through the bifold doors the whole time) He was told calmly each time, when you stop screaming and crying your welcome back inside. His dad works nights and was asleep upstairs, I have a nearly 2 year old along with a 4 year old. There’s enough noise in the house anyway without the added stress of the 3 year old melt down, and I’m sick of trying to reason with a 3 year old who clearly doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be regulating his emotions. Now am I out of order? He came back very apologetic and smiling. I think I done a good thing, my partner believes I’ll have the kids taken off me if neighbours hear about my parenting.
Please help… who’s right!?!?!

@redfox92 I think you would benefit from support from somewhere like Home start, they won't judge but 3 under 5 is alot especially if your partner has to sleep during the day. Is there anywhere he can go? Perhaps sleeping at a relatives instead so you can have some respite from keeping everyone quiet.

The way you phrase things about the 3 year old isn't great. You and your partner choose to have 3 very close together not the three year old. It's not his fault he has siblings. You need to find a way to care for them all without demonising him and not emotionally neglecting him. A nursery worker or childminder would be expected to deal with multiple children calmly and with compassion and that's what you need to do too.

Your neighbours might not report you but don't expect for them to look on you favourable.
You say you don't want the noise in the house but are happy to disturb your neighbours.

Your childnis at an age where they are still learning to navigate their emotions and at 3ys aren't able to articulate how they're feelings like an older child or an adult would.
As his parent you need to support him with this, I don't mean enable the tantrum but try to calmly show him that you won't engage whilst it's happening and when he's calmed down explain we all feel overwhelmed, sad, angry etc sometimes and how to deal with that.

just remembered that my parents used to do this to me 😁

It didn't scar me, and so I'm sure your DC will be fine

Not ideal, but understand why you did. We also didn't have any help, just DH and I, no nursery either, and no money. DH also worked nights, so I get it.

When my 3 were that age and having that kind of meltdown, I used to run them a bath. The complete change of situation used to calm them down. I used to undress them calmly and speak to them calmly (even though its super difficult at the time). I'd put their toys in and some bubble bath in and we'd blow bubbles. Hope that helps OP.

It’s not nonsense to him. And it’s really normal, most three year olds do it. Mine rejects broken biscuits too. I’m not sure there’s a three year old alive who prefers broken things.

I get the lack of support, we don’t have a village either. DS is always with me or DH. No grandparents, no babysitters, no one. It’s on us.

But they rely on us. He won’t be three forever. His siblings will cope. Siblings wind each other up through their very existence most of the time.

It didn’t “work” to leave him outside because longer term; you’re teaching him that your love is conditional and he needs to mask his emotions to be able to be inside with his siblings. That’s horrid, and massively unhealthy.

Tantrums are rough, some kids get them worse than others, some parents really can’t cope with them and hate them much more than others. But they are part of life with a toddler and you have one.

you don’t want to risk outdoors or garden being associated with a punishment, these are things to enjoy and want to do.
is there a space in the house where he could sit on a bean bag and things that are calming?
when my LO tantrums first I ask if they need a hug and sometimes that’s all they need. Sometimes they continue to be difficult so I ask shall we go sit somewhere quiet until you’re ready to come back? And we go together and sit until they’ve calmed down. If they have been misbehaving with the tantrum or throwing things then I ask if they are ready to say sorry and when that happens we go back to normal.
sometime my little one takes the self to the quiet space and I leave them to it if they choose to go on their own. They are fine when they come back.

You are abusing your neighbour that's for sure!
Seriously though, don't do this!! Just walk out of the room and ignore him til he's calmed down.

It hasn't taught him anything of the sort. It has taught him when he has a big emotion mum won't help. Don't be surprised if he has broken sleep because he will replay it. Which can if repeated leads to emotionally stunted adults.

He is three, grown adults struggle, his mother is bravely acknowledged her struggles so the reality is history will repeat if alternative methods are not utilised.

We know that engagement with our emotions leads to happier functioning adults. So we start early in Early Years, teaching them to recognise and name emotions, as they get older we help children find ways to manage them.

We have them verbalise when frustrated we have them "use their words". Then we add in methods like counting and breathing, chill out time, hitting a bean bag - it really genuinely works. 90% of what kids react to is tiredness, frustrated, feeling not heard or feeling they are being treated unfairly.

I firmly believe all behaviour is communication and if parents are stressed you can bet the children will be too.

I don't see that sending him outside until he can control himself sends any worse a message than sending him indoors to his room for screaming in the garden and we all used to do that. 3 under 5s must be a nightmare and you have all my sympathy but I would agree with PP who suggested their dad find somewhere else for his daytime sleep so you're not walking on eggshells. Has he got any relatives local who'd help out? You could then handle the situation in a different way. Good luck x

Please don't refer to your son as 'The Devil'. You clearly need some help.

I was just about to say this. To a 3 year old he won't be able to understand that you're just doing it till he calms down he just sees you locking him outside when he's upset.

It was common practice in the 70s/80s but not as young as 3 admittedly - unfortunately, I won't be here to read about the long-term results of today's parenting methods but we all think we've cracked it.

🤣

20 minutes is a long Time at that age

Oh so now the three year old is upset about a totally developmentally normal thing and has his 2 siblings shouting they don't want him around, then his mum locks him outside for ALMOST HALF AN HOUR while he's crying... Jesus Christ op this just gets worse.

I will say again - you and your husband chose to have 3 close together. It is not the 3 year olds fault your husband is tired or you are stressed or nursery "isn't enough" or whatever - you are the adults FFS find a way to deal with normal child behaviour before locking him outside again and especially before you make a pattern of demonising him for normal behaviour or letting his siblings gang up about it.

Home start are great, we used had their help when my son was young. Malachi are also good at family support. What do nursery say about him, could they offer any advice?

I grew up in the 70s and it would certainly have been regarded as abusive then as it does now!
Sending them to the room I think is a different kettle of fish, to putting them out of the house.

It's not neglect. It's a difference in parenting styles.

I wouldn't do it myself and it's really not fair on your neighbours.

I can’t change how my near 2 year old reacts just as I can’t control how the 3 year old reacts. They don’t like the noise it really upsets them when he goes off like that, and then I have 2 or 3 children going bat shit crazy…. Because of a chocolate bar! All the while someone trying to sleep upstairs conscious of them. They’re noise sensitive same as myself. I didn’t as cruelly as you say it lock him out. I made sure I could see him at all times and made sure to talk to him when he came to the door. I think 20 mins we can round down to quarter of an hour instead of rounding up to half an hour. It was a nice sunny day. He needed the fresh air. I certainly don’t let anyone gang up on anyone and am extremely protective of all my children.
also I have to add this in here. The last was not planned I was unlucky and caught when breastfeeding didn’t find out until I was 26 weeks. The whole pregnancy I literally hated myself for getting in this situation. Luckily she’s here and I love her to pieces. But I do find parenting them all extremely difficult and only came here for some good advice. Not to make me feel even more of a shit parent than I do daily. But thankyou for the advice of homestart I will look into it. And I don’t need to talk to nursery it’s not all the time which is why I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s new behaviour from him! It’s new I’m learning. I will not put him in the garden again. Thanks everyone I think I’ve got what I need from this thread.

Maybe try healthier snacks too, the chocolate bar itself could have triggered it, it’s too much sugar in one go for a little body.

It sounds like you are understandably dysregulated yourself OP. So when a dysregulated child (who is incapable of regulating) meets a dysregulated and exhausted adult, it just escalates everything. You couldn't solve that one, you had no other bar. It is hard but your best option is to be OK with his feelings, not trying to fix things as we can't fix it all anyway. It will get easier but you staying calm is key. He needs you to coregulate. It is extra difficult when you're aware of noise/night shift partner. Not easy at all.