Opinion? Putting 3 year old in garden to calm down

[redfox92]

Me and my partner are currently in a heated debate because he doesn’t agree with me.
My 3 year old son is extremely strong willed and throws the worst tantrums to the point where you don’t want to be around him because he makes your blood boil. Shouting hitting screaming at the top of his lungs. Yesterday I put him in the garden alone. Dressed appropriately loads of things to do and occupy him. However my partner is saying this is neglect and the social will get involved. I literally left him out there for about 20 mins in total, having opened the door and spoken to him several times as he’s asking to come in. (I can see him through the bifold doors the whole time) He was told calmly each time, when you stop screaming and crying your welcome back inside. His dad works nights and was asleep upstairs, I have a nearly 2 year old along with a 4 year old. There’s enough noise in the house anyway without the added stress of the 3 year old melt down, and I’m sick of trying to reason with a 3 year old who clearly doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be regulating his emotions. Now am I out of order? He came back very apologetic and smiling. I think I done a good thing, my partner believes I’ll have the kids taken off me if neighbours hear about my parenting.
Please help… who’s right!?!?!

I agree. Children learn to regulate through co-regulation.

He’s not melting down to piss you off. It’s not naughtiness. He has huge and horrible feelings he can’t control. He’s having a shit time and feeling overwhelmed and horrible too.

Shunning him from your presence when he feels like this doesn’t feel right to me.

I find being outside is generally calming for kids, so potentially this could be a solution - just depends how close your neighbours are (if your gardens are super close/you know they spend a lot of time outside, it could be inconsiderate).

You could put him outside and then get on with chores nearby - e.g. pegging out the laundry/weeding in the garden? So you are 'there' but not engaging until he's had a bit of time to calm down.

Yes you're both working and it's hard but you chose to have 3 kids close together and little kids cry and have meltdowns.

I know you're trying to but honestly it's not your 3 year olds fault you're stressed and your husband is tired. Crying over a broken bar is a really normal thing for a child his age, unfortunately!

I agree with a PP about how would you feel if you picked him up from nursery and he was crying outside and they said yeah it's been almost half an hour it's his own fault for not calming down sooner?? I assume you'd be pretty pissed off to be honest.

Do you view him as the naughty one? If you're seeing him differently he could be crying out for your attention ....woken by the Devil is a bit of an odd thing to say. Maybe you need to look at ways to give more positive attention and ignore the negative middle children often get left out.

I’m surprised so many people think YABU, the garden is safe, you could see him, it worked (even if it took a bit longer than ideal and a bit of a pain for your neighbours) and your child learns that people are keener to be around him when he’s nice to be around. What’s the issue exactly?

I stayed in Dd’s room with her and sat on the floor at a distance but held her arms gently but firmly if she was trying to hit. She didn’t
like being soothed with physical contact so this was a way of her knowing I’m near by for a cuddle when she was ready whilst not leaving her alone with it or making her feel rejected.

Tbh I think it’s a bit mean to put him in the garden and shut the door. DD had some epic tantrums (she once scream cried for 2 hours) but still he’s little and not in charge of himself yet.

If I was your neighbour and you did this more than once I'd report you for emotional neglect because thats what it is.

You need to think with your interactions with your children would you be happy if another care provider treated them the same way how would you react. If after nursery you were told "Oh Sammy had a tantrum earlier so we put him out in the garden alone for 20 minutes, but it's ok we could see him through the blinds and we really thought you'd prefer that to us screaming and shouting at him like we normally do" You would rightly hit the roof and report them to their Manager/Ofsted, so you need to find a better way.

The problem here is the stress you feel due to your living and working environment and the fact you can't regulate your emotions either if your response is screaming and shouting back at a preschooler.

You say you have a lovely big garden, great - get a decent size shed in it, insulate it, offcuts of carpet or nicer lino and turn it into an extra room that can be used year round if you get a decent heater. Obviously if you have the money you can get ££££ garden rooms. Get you and the children out of the house a bit more so your partner can get some proper sleep. Nights with such young children was always going to be hard and sleep is important if he is operating heavy machinery / working in medicine or even just driving.

Next work on your regulation, if he sets you off why? Buy yourself either little ear plugs or proper noise cancelling headphones (Anker sound core from Amazon are great and noise cancelling can be used with or without music) this will keep you calmer and able to respond more appropriately.
If he is regularly throwing 20 mins long tantrum that cant be soothed then I'd work on the assumption something else is going on, that may or may not need diagnosis in future - it may be nothing but reframing it as something he needs help with opposed to just naughty behaviour he does on purpose will also help you deal with it with more empathy and calmly.

Did you also have a two year old and a four year old child to parent at the same time?

It will be interesting to see if he has any more similar tantrums.

It sounds like a common trigger for a 3 year old it is a state where they are figuring stuff out.

you all sound completely overwhelmed though

Sit outside in full view with him

What about my other two children who keep covering their ears and shouting at him to be quiet because they also don’t want to listen to his nonsense? How can I direct any attention to them when they can’t even hear me?

I had twins.

It's really hard when one is in meltdown and the other(s) also want attention.

I echo the others that if you repeatedly put him in the garden the neighbours are likely to complain, possibly to social services. It's not really ok.

In similar circumstances I would cuddle the other one or try to distract them with looking at things while still staying reasonably close to the tantruming one.

One of mine once had a 45 min meltdown on the side of the road because I wouldn't carry them both.

Moving forwards:

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If your partner works nights turn trying to keep a 2,3 and 4 year old quiet is basically impossible.

Have a look at your house. Where is furthest from where your partner will be sleeping? Can you put some cushions or something like that in an area there? Utility room or downstairs loo or something like that? Are there any rooms that can be effectively cleared to make a (fairly) safe space?

If your friend or husband was upset, would you send them into your garden until they’ve stopped?

Talk to him on his level, give him a hug and do some activities with him.

If his age appropriate behaviour triggers you - then that’s something you have to work on, not him.

Seems fine to me. Just a bit too long.

To be honest, everything you’ve said so far his a bit concerning. Maybe you could do with some extra support or parenting classes.

Firstly, your neighbours don't want to hear this! You say you don't want to noise in the house, but no one wants it when trying to relax in the garden either.

Secondly, they might get the wrong idea, YOU know you're watching from the window, but they don't. Along with being pissed off from the noise, it wouldn't surprise me if someone reported you. I'd try and get him to chill out inside.

As a former childminder who had to deal with this a lot, you get down to their level so they can hear you and reassure them that their sibling is ok, they're just upset and can't calm themselves down right now. Tell them not to shout at him because that won't help him and they wouldn't want to be shouted at when they're sad.

Then concentrate on doing something with them like painting or playdoh. Nice and calm and tempting for the 3 year old to want to come and rejoin you. I found playdoh really helped me stay calm too in situations like that.

Get a playpen, a big old fashioned wooden one and put him in that when he starts.

Poor neighbours!

If I had to remove a 3 year from a situation, I would be more inclined to put him in his bedroom to calm down.

This! I'm more worried about you calling a 3 year old the devil then him being in the garden supervised from the house for 20 mins.....do you have any outside support at all?

Just ignore the tantrum. 🤷 Don't give him the attention. It soon cools down. Does he have a bedroom?

I don't envy the neighbours with you having two toddlers and a preschooler.

Being three I would think it might be overwhelming to have to very close in age in children with him all the time.

He is three. Pretty sure my two year old would have a good attempt at climbing out.

This is abusive. Completely understand placing them in a safe space elsewhere if things are overwhelming but the garden is not that place. Find a suitable room inside. Aside from this, you are abandoning your child emotionally and physically which they will probably find unbelievably frightening and equally probably will also exacerbate the behaviour. How on earth would you respond if an adult locked you outside in the garden and said you can't come in until you've calmed down?!