will i ever enjoy being a parent? still really fed up 2.5 years on

[gingernutlover]

dd is now 2.5, i had pnd when she was born and am now off the AD's about a year now but I really think I am the worlds crappest mother. Most days i feel that i just shouldn't jhave had children.

My dh says i need to have more patience with her and my friend says she needs more discipline and that she is spoilt

I can say honestly she has spent the last 2.5 years moaning at me - i just seem to get through the days we spedn together little biut by little bit, just waiting for dh to get home.

Then only times I am really feel like me are when I am at work (3 days a week)

fed up with feeling like this.

No matter what i do with her, however many nice things we do together, cooking, craft park swimming etc etc etc she is never happy - she constantly winges and I AM JUST TOTALLY FED UP WITH IT. She has always been like this and people will always say oh its her col;ic or her teeth hurting, oh its her age. Well when you have it every single day for 2.5 years it loses its novelty

Bearing in mind my job i just cant believe i am this rubbish at being a mummy (i work with young children)

at the moment we are averageing at least 5 tantrums a day, normally about wanting to do things herself and me not help her (now when this is chopping the veggies for dinner or doing the ironing, there is honestly no way i can let her do it, so please dont suggest it)

anyone got any tips for turning her into a happy calm child who doesnt make me feel like walking out of the house most days?

i feel that 2.5 years a go my life dissapeared and i am now just knackered all the time, I know dh is fed up with me too, am suprised he hasnt left except that he worships the ground dd walks on

do you think your dd knows you are unhappy at all?

I always get p*ssed off with tantrums. Might be an idea to avoid them?

Some tips

1. always offer a positive choice - which would you like this or this?
2. never ask a question to which the answer can be "no"
3. at a crisis point say "quick look at that flying horse" and point out of the window (use sparingly) averted loads of tantrums this way! 4)make sure (as much as you can) that she can't see stuff she can't have - we have lots of tantrums about my manicure set which DS LOVES and of course can't have.

or alternatively the old supernanny thing of making sure your aren't just giving attention when she's whinging therefore she whinges to get attention.... we have the same problem with shouting at the moment - I am having to try and reeducate myself so that I do answer when he's quiet!

just some thoughts....hope it helps - I do feel for you having a 2.4 yr old myself...

This isn't going to solve all your problems, but do you have miniature/toy saucepans, rolling pins, colanders and a mini ironing board and iron, clothes horse and pegs?

We have a whole collection of miniature household appliances (plus a whole dolls house full of even smaller ones). When I iron, my daughter happily gets out her ironing board and iron, her dolls clothes, clothes horse and pegs and sits along side me doing "her" ironing.

All the equipment/appliances are stored next to the real thing, btw.

Are you doing any activities with other parents and children? It's just that you didn't mention any in your list of things you did together and I find that playgroups/coffee mornings/music classes/tumbletots keep me sane.

DD's are happily involved in whatever class/activity it is, I can spend time with them out of the house in an activity where someone else is directing it so it feels like me and the girls doing something together rather than me trying to persaude them to do something at home. And I get to talk to other parents which keeps me sane as you can almost always find someone who is experiencing the same battle/stage as you are..

Is she having a "quiet" time during the day or does she stil have a nap at all? My DD's need to have some quiet time in front of ceebeebies after lunch or else they are so overtired all afternoon and can be such hard work! It's also my time to clear up/drink tea in peace etc

I agree with other posters that she is picking up on your stress and knows she can get a reaction from you. I try as hard as possible to ignore whingey behaviour/reward positive behaviour and that helps a bit. I also try to just zone out and think about other things whilst my girls are kicking off, it kind of removes me mentally from the sitatuion!

Finally, are you doing anything for you during the week? I do aerobics one morning a week and the girls go to the creche at the gym and I also try to go for a run most nights when DH gets home - which gets the frustration out. I try to meet up with friends or have a morning just me at the weekend sometimes while DH has the girls. I feel so much more recharged from having that small break..

I'm sure you're a great mummy, you're not a crap mummy - you need to stop being so hard on yourself.

so i should go back to work and just not be a mother yes? Part of me would love to be a at work full time, it would solve all the problems at work and of course it would mean i was not with dd, but then she would be at nursery for 55 hours a week, and she goes loopy every time i leave her there anyway, this is after being there since she was 1

yes i think she knows i am unhappy - but i cant just suddenyl switch on the happy beleive me i have tried, i wake u[ every morning thinking, that today will be the day when i will enjoy her.

she has a whole collection of miniature appliances, but she will just insist that i use those and she uses mine

fym, love the flying horse thing trouble with giving her choices is that she will ignore my suggestions and choose her own unsuitable one every time - she gets it fixated in her head what she is going to do and wont let go of it until she gets what she wants. Or she will say no when it isnt even an option

i do understand that the tantrums are usual for her age but it does seem that she has been having them her whole tiny life - i never get a minutes peace and she seems to never get what she wants, as whenever she gets wehat she says she wants its on to the next thing

It does sound a bit as if your DD is frustrated with you and is trying to get closer to you...

yes we go to music classes on oneday that i am off and we gpo to a toddler group on the other, i see a few fridns with children too, she spends most of this time sitting on my lap refusing to playw ith the toys/pother children but i persevere bacause it is eaisier if i have been out of the house at least part of the day.

i am a gym member but am terrfied that she would go lopopy if i sent her to the creche there, a pity becasue this is somthing i would really love to do on one of my days off. My dh works long hours in the week and spends the weekends working on the house

she needs to have a nap but wotn always have one at home, only if we are out in the car or buggy, at nursery she jut lays down on her mat and sleeps they say.

the other thing about working full time would be the getting her up 5 days a week, its a nightmare getting out the house 3 days, with her having tantrums the minute she gets up and insisting on dressing hersefl when she cant, hitting me, biting me every time i try to help, by the time i get out the house i am already boiling over with frustartion

do you think it would be worth trying the creche at the gym?

closer to me? really, could she get any closer, she is like velcro child and always has been

when you say frustrated with me, what do you mean?

She is physically glued to you because psychologically and emotionally she doesn't get the closeness she craves...

GNL Now I am no child expert but I do work with families and children as part of my job which I have been doing now for over 20 years.
I have watched numerous children grow from birth to teenagers.

The way you describe your daughter is a definite type I have observed! I have to say the examples i can think of have all been girls.....However WITHOUT exception they have grown into really lovely children. The change seems to happen around 7 - 9 years old.The negativity and moaning just sort of evaporates.

They then grow up to be absolutely smashing teenagers and young people.

I have thought perhaps these girls may be brighter than average and somehow feel constrained when they are tiny children !

I realise this is purely anecdotal but would love to know if others here have observed a similar phenomenon.

Anna I am not sure I agree about the closeness thing. Interested to hear what gnl thinks about that.

horsish - though I think my hypothesis and your hypothesis are not mutually exclusive at all

Very bright small children look to their mothers to tune in to their awareness and help them put words on their thoughts and feelings and provide a rock from which to move forward.

If their mothers cannot / do not do this, the children are very frustrated and cling and moan in an attempt to get what they want from their mothers.

I think it sounds as if you could really do with a break - particulary if your DH is working over weekends too.

I can see that she might be very tearful at the creche, but maybe its worth a try - just for an hour? Or do you think she might be happier with a childminder - where it might be a bit more one on one for her and where you could book in an extra short session for her whilst you go and get ironing done/go to gym etc?

I put my girls into the creche with a friends little girl and that helped them all to settle as they could see familiar faces.

I also explain to them that we'll go and have a treat afterwards or do something they like doing so they have that to look forward to. There's a park opposite my gym so it's often just a matter of promising them a go on the swings!

Maybe your Dh could take a break one weekend and you could go off for a morning of peace.

I really used to feel the frustration building if I had a full week and then all weekend with the girls with no respite - my patience would be in tatters and I'd demand just a few hours peace on a Saturday morning and come back a different person. Even now, I am working 3 days but I really appreciate my hour on a wednesday morning to go to the gym and just unwind..

Parenting toddlers is hard work and you need breaks! It does sound by her being so clingy that she does very much want to be with you and to spend the time with you -so you must be a good mum for her to love you so much . I think you just need a bit of time that's not working and not parenting..it might help a little..

I felt exactly the same as you with dd1, the issue was not her it was me, I was bored and frustrated, I had lost all self respect. I was beginning to think she had adhd because she just seemed to talk and whinge costantly looking back she wanted me and my attention and my unhappieness was freaking her out, I was also a control freak and wanted her to behave in a certain way all the time so we would rub up against each other constantly. It was the hardest thing for me to accept that i was causing all of the negative behaviour, but when I gave her more time and conciously stopped whatever else I was doing to listen to her and agree things with I had a different child over night. I now have 3 dc and adore my life it can change.

we do lots and lots together, i love her very much and yes i am sure she knows this but i am also sure she knows i am pissed off with her at times- maybe some children arent as tuned in as this? But surely this means we are close????????????

i do think at times she knows i am not enjoying all this and yes that makes me feel extremely guilty but she is here and i am her only mother so there is nothing i can do about that

i was apparently like this as a child, although my mum says dd is worse than i ever was and from a much earlier age.

i am reasonably intelligent i think, got a levels and a degree and people are always saying dd is bright, I have quite often joked to friends that she is such a pain because she will one day be a brain surgeon

If your frustration is as great as you make it sound in your posts, yes, your DD knows it.

You cannot hide your emotions from her.

no i know i cantr hide it anna, so whats the magic spell to make it all just go away then and make me a decent mother?

clueless that sounds just like me, i probably spend too much time on mumsnet and doing household stuff etc and not enough time just playing with dd

Maybe you could have some counselling, together or separately?

Getting "in tune" with your toddler if you haven't been "in tune" with him/her as a baby can't be fixed overnight IMO.

do the toddler and music groups actually help? Maybe she would rather have a day with you, going at her pace. can you have a day where you sit on the floor and do exactly what she wants you to do, at the time she wants to do it?

i had councelling following my pnd - it did not help as the lady basically told me to get over myself and just "be " happy and there is no more councelling to be had on nhs cant afford private

i was being sarcastic about the magic spell, I am not totally stupid

the groups help me yes and they seem to make dd more settled when we do get home, if we have a day in she is getting her shoes and stadning tryign to open the door