will i ever enjoy being a parent? still really fed up 2.5 years on

[gingernutlover]

dd is now 2.5, i had pnd when she was born and am now off the AD's about a year now but I really think I am the worlds crappest mother. Most days i feel that i just shouldn't jhave had children.

My dh says i need to have more patience with her and my friend says she needs more discipline and that she is spoilt

I can say honestly she has spent the last 2.5 years moaning at me - i just seem to get through the days we spedn together little biut by little bit, just waiting for dh to get home.

Then only times I am really feel like me are when I am at work (3 days a week)

fed up with feeling like this.

No matter what i do with her, however many nice things we do together, cooking, craft park swimming etc etc etc she is never happy - she constantly winges and I AM JUST TOTALLY FED UP WITH IT. She has always been like this and people will always say oh its her col;ic or her teeth hurting, oh its her age. Well when you have it every single day for 2.5 years it loses its novelty

Bearing in mind my job i just cant believe i am this rubbish at being a mummy (i work with young children)

at the moment we are averageing at least 5 tantrums a day, normally about wanting to do things herself and me not help her (now when this is chopping the veggies for dinner or doing the ironing, there is honestly no way i can let her do it, so please dont suggest it)

anyone got any tips for turning her into a happy calm child who doesnt make me feel like walking out of the house most days?

justabouttohavelunch, yes that is a possiblity, i will have to delve a bit but i need cover from 7.30 til 6 and to be honest i think i will only get that from a private nursery or a childminder round here, i did choose a really lovely childminder whoi would have had dd term times only for me with no retainer in the hols! but i am now so glad i went the nursery route as it gives me that needed break in the school hols which i would not get from a childminder (this one would have given dd's place to a school age child in the hols so i wouldnt have been able to book extra days)

although she does have a pady most mornings when i leav her, i know for a fact that 5 minutes later she is happily playing so i do feel i made the right choice for her and me, the girls are lovely there and she has little friends of her own age which she may not have at a childminders.

i have been thinking alot todayt about how much calmer i feel today knowing i have a day without dd and realsied that i actaully havent had one since october as xmas hols the nursery was closed and we went away, then we moved and then at feb half term i was ill the whole week, with dd poorly too so she didnt go to nursery. I think i am a bit knackered, which is probably clouding my judgement. I have told dh that i intend to use all of dd's nursery days this holiday to make sure i get things done at home and also recharge my batteries, I shall ignore the comments and questions from everyone about how i should b spending the time with her and will enjoy my breaks

thanks for all the lovely things people have said and the support and advice too, it ius much appreciated

Hello gingernutlover

I have read most of the thread and it sounds as though you have the right balance of you working some days and having some days with your daughter.

It sounds as though the nursery is a good childcare option for you..I have always prefered the idea of nursery to childminder although as I am a SAHM I have never needed to use full nursery days. I wonder if there are any private prep schools near you that have a nursery? The ones near us take the nursery grants so work out cheaper than some of the day care nurseries..Some of the prep schools also offer early starts and after school care and holiday care as an option to fit in with working Mums. Your daughter would not have to stay on to the school part although the school might hope she would.

I agree with all those who have suggested going to the gym whenever possible..
I also feel too exhausted to contemplate it a lot of the time..but when I do I come back feeling on top of the world...As your daughter gets a little older she will find it easier to cope with an hour or so in the creche on one of the non nursery days..my daughter used to hate it but now at 3 asks to go to the creche (as well as nursery) - maybe you could take your daughter to the gym creche for an hour or so and say that when you pick her up you will have a nice lunch out or go to the swings.

Hope you enjoy some time to yourself over the school hols.

gingernutlover, it sounds like it would be great for you if you could have more childcare than the hours you work, just to give you the much needed recharging time, even if it is just to do chores, that will help you regain perspective and give you the space to appreciate your dd. We all need that

You said: "unfortunatly no i cannot send dd to nursery anymore than i already do at £48 a day is prohibitively expensive and it only makes financial sense if i am working when she is there"

Could you investigate whether you can afford more nursery hours?

I know my dcs' day nursery encourages ft attendees. So the ft monthly fees are actually significantly less than £48 X 5 per week. You might want to ask. You don't have to use all those extra hours. But it would be fantastic to have all that relief on tap.

You also said :"unfortunatly because it is a private nursery and they are not allowed to charge top up fees, i dont get a bean when she is 3 (it wouldn't be until january anyway)"

I am not sure I understand this thing about top up fees. Do you use more than one nursery/cm? My dcs' private day nursery offers the grant and I would have thought almost all nurseries will offer it, if they follow the requisite curriculum. The grant up to £100-150 per month, so could finance the extra hours. Again, can you check this?

ah ha, found you! I have been mulling this over since i read it yesterday....and forgot to put a watch on it, so lost ya as you slipped off the active convo's!

I don't think i am repeating anyone - is there any chance your DD is in pain? causing her gerenal bad moods? I only ask as i had a horrid little toddler (I have twins so luckily had one who was always in high spirits to lift my mood), who turned out to have glue ear and was generally mardy due to varying degree's of discomfort. He had grommits fitted last year and has been much improved since, as has his and my relationship. He can be negotiated with and talked to and reasoned with, it's marvelous all because 1) he is hearing me the 1st time i ask, not the 5th time when I am purple with rage and 2) because he hasn't got a permenant niggling ache in his ears. He still has his moments and I am told this is due to him learning the mardy behaviour that was natural when he was in pain, so it will take a while to unlearn.

It also looks like he has a lazy eye, so possibly hasn't been seeing clearly up til now either! Poor kid.

The way i found out with my DT was that I had simply had it one morning with him, he woke again whinging and whinging after a full nights sleep, everything i did was met with a moan or an arched back or refusing food....I flipped, had 5 mins time out while he raged in his high chair.....I went back and gave him some nurofen (I think he was about 18 months old)....i really didn't know what else to do...I then took them both shopping, something that would usually result in more whinging and trying to escape from trolley....anyway it was the most marvelous shopping trip of my life - I remember ringing my husband in disbelief "he's smiling" I said, "he's enjoying himself" it was such a novelty. We went to docs, got everything checked and they found the glue ear.....had painkillers daily for a while and then was booked for grommet op.

Anyway - thats my life history but worth sharing in case it helps a fellow sufferer. (I was lucky in having one happy soul - but know where you are coming from in the 'will i ever enjoy it' school of thought - I would dread DT2 waking up, thinking what he would moan about next!)

thanks again, i will further investigate the nursery vouchers thing as it might enable me to send her for an extra morning once she turns three

apart from that the creche is an option as that is £4 an hour

oh and the nursery thing - my DT's are full time at a private nursery and i get the free places, they work out that a session = £8.80, so I get 10 x £8.80 (5 sessions per kid) off my weekly bill - £88 a week is so worth having after 3 years of over a grand a month!

Many employers allow you to buy childcare vouchers with your salary. This reduces the amount that you have to pay in childcare because although you pay for the vouchers they are not taxable.

Ie. if you (or your husband) earn 40K and you have 6K of childcare costs, you recieve 6K of your salary in childcare vouchers. The person who earns the money would only then have a taxable income of 34K (With your allowances taken). Its a bit like how you get tax relief on pensions. For a 40% taxpayer its a saving of 40% of your childcare costs.

I realise that your husband is self employed, but it might be worth asking your accountant about it.

You don't have to earn 40K to get the benefit. However you do need to earn more than the childcare costs.

gingernut, just to say, my dd1 was exactly like this, and I am a SAHM/ AP (think slings etc) parent, no PND, I do enjoy my kids etc etc. And she was child #2 -ds and dd2 are much more laid back. But she was still bloody grumpy a lot of the time.

So it is nothing you are doing or not doing. Some kids are just like this. One thing I will say-she seems pretty bright. Maybe this is it. Also, she is lovely now.

One thing that might work is the montessori approach of teaching kids to do certain tasks in a certain way-the emphasis is on making them as self - reliant as possible (I think).

no way on earth would dd1 be fobbed off with play kitchen stuff! (actually ds wouldn't be, either). There are however a lot of things they can do safely. Eg cutting mushrooms-this can be done with a blunt knife. Cooking generally-I often make stuff that they can join in with somehow (washing stuff, mixing stuff, etc. I know it can be a pita but it does avoid tantrums.

Also I go stir crazy if confined to the house. For this reason I taught the kids to get themselves dressed and ready to go when they were quite young

lol filly jonk at the play kitchen stuff, she loves hers to play with but most of the time she just wants to be a mini me which is of course really endearing but also quite irritating at time, today is day number 3 of me being at home/paper work.house work etc while she being at nusrsery and i can honestly day i do feel refeshed, i aslo got her to gt herself dressed this monring before nursery and actually we werent much later thanh normal (it didnt matter today beause i am doing papoerowrk from home) but i will focus much more on teaching her to do things herself in an easy way.

i am just looking forward to the day she will be that brain surgeon and keep me and dh in the luxry retirement home.

I am off next week too with a few meetings planned but also some free time for me and i do think i will be so much more relaxed and ready to go back to work , just got to stay that way hmmmmmmmmmm?????

lol filly jonk at the play kitchen stuff, she loves hers to play with but most of the time she just wants to be a mini me which is of course really endearing but also quite irritating at time, today is day number 3 of me being at home/paper work.house work etc while she being at nusrsery and i can honestly day i do feel refeshed, i aslo got her to gt herself dressed this monring before nursery and actually we werent much later thanh normal (it didnt matter today beause i am doing papoerowrk from home) but i will focus much more on teaching her to do things herself in an easy way.

i am just looking forward to the day she will be that brain surgeon and keep me and dh in the luxry retirement home.

I am off next week too with a few meetings planned but also some free time for me and i do think i will be so much more relaxed and ready to go back to work , just got to stay that way hmmmmmmmmmm?????

lol filly jonk at the play kitchen stuff, she loves hers to play with but most of the time she just wants to be a mini me which is of course really endearing but also quite irritating at time, today is day number 3 of me being at home/paper work.house work etc while she being at nusrsery and i can honestly day i do feel refeshed, i aslo got her to gt herself dressed this monring before nursery and actually we werent much later thanh normal (it didnt matter today beause i am doing papoerowrk from home) but i will focus much more on teaching her to do things herself in an easy way.

i am just looking forward to the day she will be that brain surgeon and keep me and dh in the luxry retirement home.

I am off next week too with a few meetings planned but also some free time for me and i do think i will be so much more relaxed and ready to go back to work , just got to stay that way hmmmmmmmmmm?????

oooops

oh bugger!

did my point get across?

Hiya - I really think you need to consider going back to work full-time. And don't feel bad about it!!!!! I'm sure if you explain the situation to the nursery they'll help her settle in. x

ginernut, it sounds like you have a lot to look forward to! All you need is a little break here and there, by that I mean break from relentless childcare. Lord knows sheltered time to cook, clean, shift paper and fold laundry is a big reason for my mental health.

I smile at mini-me. Dd is exactly like that. I am not sure if she will end up a brain surgeon, but I like her independent spirit (at a distance) and - eeks - her tenacious attempts at pushing limits. This lady makes up her own mind, oh yes. I can't wait for these qualities to shine in her as an adult. In the meantime, ...