will i ever enjoy being a parent? still really fed up 2.5 years on

[gingernutlover]

dd is now 2.5, i had pnd when she was born and am now off the AD's about a year now but I really think I am the worlds crappest mother. Most days i feel that i just shouldn't jhave had children.

My dh says i need to have more patience with her and my friend says she needs more discipline and that she is spoilt

I can say honestly she has spent the last 2.5 years moaning at me - i just seem to get through the days we spedn together little biut by little bit, just waiting for dh to get home.

Then only times I am really feel like me are when I am at work (3 days a week)

fed up with feeling like this.

No matter what i do with her, however many nice things we do together, cooking, craft park swimming etc etc etc she is never happy - she constantly winges and I AM JUST TOTALLY FED UP WITH IT. She has always been like this and people will always say oh its her col;ic or her teeth hurting, oh its her age. Well when you have it every single day for 2.5 years it loses its novelty

Bearing in mind my job i just cant believe i am this rubbish at being a mummy (i work with young children)

at the moment we are averageing at least 5 tantrums a day, normally about wanting to do things herself and me not help her (now when this is chopping the veggies for dinner or doing the ironing, there is honestly no way i can let her do it, so please dont suggest it)

anyone got any tips for turning her into a happy calm child who doesnt make me feel like walking out of the house most days?

Gingernut if the counselling for PND has finished, do you think it's worth having a chat to your GP about feeling a bit depressed generally - separate from the PND in the past - and asking if you could get counselling again for this?

I was referred by my GP to an NHS counsellor for anxiety years ago and found the counsellor useless.

Maybe if you could make your GP see this as a "new" issue for counselling - the counselling might be made available to you?

Would you consider a childminder instead of a nursery? Would that be a smaller ratio of children for your obviously very bright and lively daughter to feel she was getting more attention?

I do think your husband could be helping more and giving you a break. Your childcare is just as important as both of your work so you are both effectively doing a full time week. You should be sharing childcare at weekends allowing you both a break.

Is there any way of adapting her nursery hours for you to have an hour to go for a run/coffee etc? Please don't feel guilty for needing some time for yourself to recharge, you have a lot on your plate. I sometimes feel that I should be spending every minute of my days not working absorbed in my girls, but one hour at the gym recharges me so much from a stressful job and no help at home that I feel a better mother for it.

Ginger, please don't get upset at some of the more tactless postings here. There's no such thing as the perfect mother; we all have our flaws and foibles, but the paid-up members of the 'Wondermum' brigade choose not to admit this. Let them wallow in their piety and read the more realistic and sympathetic posts instead.

I too have my nightmare days where I feel like rocking in the corner of a dark room. When it all gets too much for me I dust off an old CD (the cheesier and more upbeat the better) and subject my rugrats to a hour of classic Haircut 100 . I always feel the better for it...

I seriously doubt you're a crap mother - I think the fact you're bothered enough to raise the issue and are concerned about suggests a degree of self awareness that's incompatible with crap mother status.

"i cant believe any other mums completely love every single minute of their day with their kids either" - I'm not sure many do . Certainly none of my friends would claim they do (we talk about it a lot) and I don't. I do enjoy most of it, and there are some wonderful moments, but the lows are like nothing I've experienced in any other aspect of life.

My dd (now 3) has phases of being difficult and demanding - when she's in one of these phases I get through the day by deep breathing and telling myself it will pass (and some yelling). It's easier as she gets older - we have more times together that are fun, and fewer that are about "process". Sometimes the sheer effort involved in nappy changes/getting dressed/negotiating mealtimes used to exhaust me, but that side of things does seem to get better.

"How to talk so kids will listen" is a great book, even for very tiny children, I think. Lots of stuff doesn't apply until they are older but it is worth looking at for advice and ideas. I take your point about finding the time to read parenting books, but it's pretty easily digested. And I totally second the idea of getting out of the house - we always make sure we have a playdate or outing planned for each day. That way it breaks up the day and we weren't at each other's throats the whole time.

hi ginger, just wanted to say, i think your doing really well, your trying your hardest, its not so easy when you don't have a role model to follow such as your mum, i totally know how you feel as i, like you, and planing on doing things very differently to my mum.
would be lovely to have had that lovely mother daughter realtionship that i could use in my head, but i don't so i am having to pave my own way.

i agree i think it would be better to have some time at home as well as the ofth activies,

what id yout dg doing to the house? is there anyway you could swap, ie you do some diy he takes dc?

your happiness and your dc happiness comes before renovating, do you think he is really aware of how bad you feel? maybe show him this thread?

also why do you not want to take the ad anymore?? what did you take before?

anyway i think your a great mum to be trying so hard to sort this out, rather than take the east option and pretend everything is ok.

ginger about my point with swapping roles with your dh, i ment for example, this weekend ive been painting our bedroom and dh has been looking after the baby and making the lunches etc.
also good for dd to grow up with a non sexist attitude [unlike my parents]

thinking of you

Have just come back to this, getting a bit lairy??? GNL you are doing fine, and so is your daughter, there is nothing wrong with her.

It took some very good friends of mine to be straght and tell me that my intentions were great but I was just missing the point slightly. Sounds like some of your friends like others on this thread want to put you and your daughter down to improve how they feel.

I had the less than perfect relationship with my mum and although you have to conciously build the relationship with your child instead of just leaving it to instinct it coems, I am closer to dd1 than anyone in the world. We are also incredibly alike. It is not always easy looking in the mirror.

hi all#we have just had a full day at home due to having to wait in for a delivery man who turned up about half hour ago, and it was ok, fraught i must admit, we do tend to wind each other up me and dd but it has been an okay

maybe my previous posts make it sound like we are constantly out at some activityu or another,. which is not the case but i do get out and do somthing for at least an hour everyday, i think this is healthy for dd and also seems to be what dd wants - and keeps me sane most of the time too. Its not always an organised activity, sometimes we just go to the park opposite the house or pop round my nans or into town to look at the charity shop.

unfortuntly i am rubbish at diy and dh is a builder so he has high standards, it would be pointless me doing anything to the house as he'd end up redoing it, a bit like him trying to do the ironing to be honest - know it sounds sexist but there are some things we are good at and some things wer are not good at.

i dont want to take the ad's again because they made me feel very numb

at least at the moment i have brief times of happiness, although i also have a lot of unhappiness too.

i have thought about taking st johns wort or somthing else maybe and i also need to lose wieght so i know that if i could do that i would probably feel better.

it is school hols so i will send dd to nursewry on her normal days and then have a sneaky hour or so formyself in amongst all the little chores that have been building up during term time - might get my hair done or go to the gym

hi ginger, yeah you could try st johns wort.

good idea about getting your hair done and going to the gym when dc is at nursery.
take some time out for you too.

fair enough about the anti d's but it may be worth talking to your gp as there are so many different types of ads, you just might not have found the right one for you iykwim and perhaps the gp would be able to consider you going to see another therapist?

anyway. glad your ok.
hope you enjoy your bit of freetime coming up.

GNL, I think you are doing a fantastic job. You are very very far from a crap mummy and it sounds like you have it extremely hard. I do think your DH needs to scale back his activities at the weekend a little, as 7 days a week with no support (even if you do get to "escape" to work for some of it) is enough to make anyone depressed even from the sunniest starting point imaginable.

I think you're also judging yourself to extremely high standards. If you are feeling depressed then you are (as of course you know) likely to see every tiny negative and not notice the positives so much.

You sound to be an extremely thoughtful and reflective parent. Sometimes that can be your own worst enemy. I have massive guilt trips about switching off from my DS, but when I force myself to actually look at what I'm doing, the acres of time I'm "skiving" is in reality about 15 mins but I can feel bad about it all day. I can kick myself about anything, and I am not depressed, nor is my DS quite as hard work as your DD.

GNL - there's loads of very good research to say that PND has no negative long term effect on the happiness of the children of those who suffered with it. My own mother had PND when I was very small. I also have memories of my dad coming home from work, asking her an innocuous question like 'how was your day', and her storming out for a long walk! I remember my childhood as very happy. My mum was/is just an emotional person, and, if anything, it has made me more emotionally intelligent.
It seems to me from your posts that you are doing a marvellous job - the very best you can (just the same as any of us). I don't have any real tips - toddlers are a pain in the whotsit at the best of times (mine's 2.2 and I have a 6mo). Make the most of the fun times, do what you can to cope with the tricky times, and try and me sure you indulge yourself with something you really enjoy when you can - a walk, a swim, shopping, a long bath, a drink in your local with a friend or your dp (but don't talk about dd!) - the dark cloud will pass .

Exercise is brill because it releases endorphins that make you feel great. It gives long term benefits of better health, better sleep, more self confidence etc.
I'm telling myself this as much as you - the last time I did proper exercise was before getting preg with ds...
...almost 3 years ago!!

I agree with phlossie, exercise will make you feel so much better.

thanks i am really relieved to know tHAT its not just me and dd that wind each other somthing chronic!

i do have gym membership but to be honest by the time i have got dd to bed every night i am knackered and cant summon hte enthusiasm for it and during the day short of putting her in the creche at the gym which i still not sure about to be honest

i knoww this sounds lazy but all i want to do it collapse once the day with dd is over

I'm the same, GNL. I'm usually in my pjs by 8pm! But now the evenings are lighter... I'm trying to coax my sister (no kids) to coming with me and making me leave the house. What about the weekends? An hour to yourself one lunch time? Sounds good. Maybe treat yourself to a sauna afterwards? I'll do it if you do...

i will try to talk to dh about me having some time out but the house is very iomportant to him, the only pother place i can leave dd is the nursery which i cn only affprd to use on days i am paid to work or with my mum who is away at the moment for 3 weeks and forever under the control of her new boyfriend anyway - i wi;ll find a way though

gingernutlover,

I am sorry that you are going through so much hell. Two and a half years old is difficult age and it does get better.

I was very severely depressed when my son was about two and half years old although for completely different reasons. So unlike some tactless posters I understand how you feel.

I think it would benefit you and your daughter if she went to nursery full time. I think that it is harder to get part time nursery children into a routine. Once a child is full time at nursery its easier for them to establish friendships as the children at the nursery know that they are going to see your child.

If you go full time in september your child will get the pre school grant which will help with the cost.

Its OK not to like pre school/ toddler children. It doesn't mean you are a bad mother. My six year old is far more fun to be with so it does get better.

NumberSix,

I don't you understand the position of the OP. Everyone finds two year olds challenging, however the OP is very ill. Clinical depression is a proper illness and can be equally as dangerous as cancer.

Anti depressants do temporary lift the mood, but I think the OP has to make a major life change like going back to work full time to get better.

There are plenty of studies that show that children lose out when their mothers are clinically depressed. There is no clear evidence that shows that a good nursery harms three year olds.

My six year old went to nursery full time at three years old and loved it. He has lots of friends and is doing well at school.

Maybe full time nursery does not fit in with the opinons of judgemental SAHMs, but it maybe a literally be a life saver for the other poster and her daughter.

Not everyone is cut out to be a lental weaver and live in a world with limited adult contact. What is right for one family is not right for another.

If money allows maybe the OP daughter could attend nursery four days a week and the OP work three days a week.

Good luck to whatever she decides.

unfortunatly no i cannot send dd to nursery anymore than i already do at £48 a day is prohibitively expensive and it only makes financial sense if i am working when she is there

having said that, it is easter hols at the moment so i sent her this morning and am spending the day doing all the things that need doing but dont get done in term time and although its been a busy day so far it is lovely to be alone iykwim

unfortunatly because it is a private nursery and they are not allowed to charge top up fees, i dont get a bean when she is 3 (it wouldn't be until january anyway) but i think i may consider her going to a normal preschool 5 days a week and a childminder to do the beginning and ends of the days that i work.

my job is very stressfull and demanding and i really dont think me going back to full time is the answer

i think, to be honest this is a shitty time which will eventually pass and things will get better. I have told dh that i do not intend going back to work full time when dd goes to school as i want to be there to take her and pick her up at least a couple of days a week, i can tell he thinks i should but i will stand my ground when the time comes , its only 2 more years ..........

oh and i really didnt want to make dh sound like the absent father, he does work long hours, he co owns a building company and if he is not on site work does not happen properly - fact of life, he cant go part time and his days are long, nothin he or i can do about that

he does put dd to bed some nights and he always sits down to dinner with all of us and spoends some time palying with her each evening

the weekends are a drag at the moment but i am working on him maybe doing 4-5 hours work a day rather than 10! I have been encouraging us to go on little outings with dd together to get suplies etc, she loves b and q. We moved from a nasty estate where we had only one choice of school for dd which we were not happy with and nw we are living 3 doors away from a lovely primary school where i went as a child, its a nice area with lots to do nearby and I am very happy we moved here, but the only way we could afford it was to buy somewhere that needed work, and so this is the compromise. Not perfect at all but we did it for dd's future.

also this friday evening i am going to dinner with a friend and on sat tes time i am going to the gynm with his sister so those are times when he will have to have dd and he doesnt have a problem with this.