will i ever enjoy being a parent? still really fed up 2.5 years on

[gingernutlover]

dd is now 2.5, i had pnd when she was born and am now off the AD's about a year now but I really think I am the worlds crappest mother. Most days i feel that i just shouldn't jhave had children.

My dh says i need to have more patience with her and my friend says she needs more discipline and that she is spoilt

I can say honestly she has spent the last 2.5 years moaning at me - i just seem to get through the days we spedn together little biut by little bit, just waiting for dh to get home.

Then only times I am really feel like me are when I am at work (3 days a week)

fed up with feeling like this.

No matter what i do with her, however many nice things we do together, cooking, craft park swimming etc etc etc she is never happy - she constantly winges and I AM JUST TOTALLY FED UP WITH IT. She has always been like this and people will always say oh its her col;ic or her teeth hurting, oh its her age. Well when you have it every single day for 2.5 years it loses its novelty

Bearing in mind my job i just cant believe i am this rubbish at being a mummy (i work with young children)

at the moment we are averageing at least 5 tantrums a day, normally about wanting to do things herself and me not help her (now when this is chopping the veggies for dinner or doing the ironing, there is honestly no way i can let her do it, so please dont suggest it)

anyone got any tips for turning her into a happy calm child who doesnt make me feel like walking out of the house most days?

Have you read "The Science of Parenting"?

I think it's quite a useful book for understanding children's emotional lives.

Are you able to put yourself in your daughter's shoes? I think I agree with Anna8888 on this one and it is a sad situation for both of you. It must be so hard for her if she senses that you are not bonded on an emotional level, and she is possibly reacting to this lack of emotional security by acting as she is. My children certainly play up more if I'm stressed/rushing - they can sense it. Can you think about how she must be feeling with this insecurity and see if you can help her in the same way as you would if she was ill - you are the adult. Pushing her even further away doesn't feel like an approch that will bring you closer together. Cluelessnchaos seems to have been able to resolve it by emotionally engaging with her dd, rather than focusing on how she felt about her dd.

The other thing I wonder is if you were like this when you were small precisely because your mother didn't engage either, and you are replaying that scenario. I'm no expert though...

2 year olds can be pains, but generally people are able to enjoy the adorable moments too.

will check on amazon thankyou

shall i read it whilst dd is screaming or climging or biting i wonder hmmmmm decisions decisions

crumpet - totally agree with your hypothesis that the OP may be replaying the scenario that her mother played with her as a child.

It's in very short, easily digested chapters. Good for busy parents

How is she at nursery? What do the staff say she is like e.g does she mix with other children there? Have to say that now my children are slightly older I enjoy them much more.
Could dh reduce his hours and you increase your hours?

yes my mum probabyl was the same, used to go off and have baths for hours and hours whilst my brother bullied me, i have never felt that my mum was there for me, and she is still not there now. I dont want my dd to feel the same, but at the same time she is extremely demanding and I am finding it very hard work, so I'm afraid i do sometimes need some time out and if noone else will have her for me and she wotn go to the creche it does mean that sometimes i have to just let her get on with things - I dont think this makes me a bad mother but i do feel like i constantly have the short straw and there is no time when it is going to get better, dd gets everything she needs, i do not neglect her, dh gets to renovate a house which he loves and i get to spend my whole time either working or looking after a moaning whinging toddler who is moany and whingy what ever i do, however much i play with her, it never gets any better.

i do spend lots of quality time with her, cant say i completely enjoy it all and i cant ebleive any other mums completely love every single minute of their day with their kids either. but i do spend this time with her and i do think of lots of lovely things to do with her.

I have now been made to feel like i am more of a crap mother than i thought i was, but maybe its the truth.

she is fine normally at nursery once i have lfet and has become quite close to some other little girls there at the moment apparently, she talks about her friends when she comes home and says what she has done.

dh cannto reduce his hours, he is the boss.

i do have the chance to increase to full time in sept (i teach) but i am really not sure this is the right thing to do for dd

Havent read all this thread buy my DS1 (3) is very high maintenance and generally hard work.
I dont have any real answers but a few little suggestions. The book "HOw to talk so kids will listen" is great (recommended on here) and might help you and your DD to communicate more easily.
Also while I do lose my rag with DS1 too much but there are a few things which help avoid tantrums/whining:
we do let him help with housework/preparing food, I bake with him once a week or so and he loves it, my DH also lets him help prepare the veg for our sunday roast. Have also found he likes helping to change his younger brothers nappy. He also loves pushing the hoover around.
It also sounds very much like you need some time off to yourself every week, this really helps keep you sane IMO, meet your friends for a meak out, have a facial, go for a swim. Try and find a lovely regular babysitter who will come to you day or evening, so your DD doesnt feel abandoned and can build up a relationship.
Look on gumtree.com, netmums or on here maybe for help?

Also please don't feel bad for finding it hard work, I often struggle to get through the day and find parenting harder than anything else I have ever done. Sure lots of us are like that... (just check out all the other parenting threads on here if in doubt)

I am a big fan of starcharts for snapping dcs out of irritating behavioural patterns. (Charts also help me to notice when they are making an effort, which in turn makes me feel more positive)

Get her involved in drawing it up, get her to choose the stickers. Talk and talk and talk about it. Get everyone involved -- grandparents, dh etc. Let her know it's a big and exciting deal. You do have to sell it to her for it to work.

Draw up a chart with three blocks of time per day. Morning, afternoon, bedtime. Stickers for being cheerful, helpful, playing alone for short periods, putting on coat without fuss, etc -- and be generous with the stars, really ramp up any glimmers of niceness you see there. Again, talk and talk about how well she is doing. Try not to dwell on the rubbish stuff too much with her.

So sorry you had PND and if you are feeling very low at home, I think you should mention this to GP ( at your counsellor, who really wasn't doing her job)... if you've got a history with depression, it's well worth taking these feelings seriously.

Your DH is the boss and he is renovating a house and you work?

Do you not think that maybe you need to reduced the out of home activity you have jointly and invest more in your life as a family?

Agree with Crumpet's last post.
I have found things are easier with my DS since I started being 'lazy'. I rush around less, we go to fewer toddler groups and activities and instead spend one or two days a week hanging around the house, staying in pyjamas until quite late and just messing around. I think I was trying too hard to be the perfect Mum (which I'm undoubtable not) and we were both worn out by having to be up and out of the house early every day doing the 'right' things.
I'm not explaining this very well but what I mean is that - to a toddler - what matters is that they get to relax with you and have one-to-one time that you both enjoy. Sometimes less is more and lazing around a bit is better for both of you than constant structured activities.
Must add that I formerly threw myself into being constantly busy with him as have always felt inadequate as a Mum (didn't cope too well when he was a baby) and thought he needed more than 'just' me to entertain him. Have now realised this is what he need the most.

anna, your tone is maybe not too helpful, you sound rather aggressive.

MyEye - I am the way I am.

I don't read your posts, btw. Too long-winded

i'm not writing them for you, I'm trying to help the OP. Perhaps you could stick to this tactic instead of having pops at people.

Please don't feel like a crap mother, you sound like you don't rate yourself very highly anyway so please don't feel worse.

Have you told your DH how you feel? It does sound like he needs to pull his weight, house renovations should be behind your well being in the order of importance.

I make myself feel better by portioning out my time some days. DD's get to choose what we do for an hour and then I say I'm now going to go and hoover, would you like to do option (a) or option (b).

If they tantrum I calmly get the hoover and do the hoovering and try to ignore the tantrum. If they don't they get lots of praise for letting me do my things.

I agree that letting them choose what you do sometimes can be effective, toddler battles are so much about control and what better way to let them have a little bit of control over their lives? Is there any activity that you both enjoy, which calms her down? One of my DD's loves reading and so do I and the other loves the park, which I find slightly more mundane but it helps us all being out.

I think if she is probably too old for a lunchtime sleep - could you ration ceebeebies/videos to that time of day?

Do you have some kind of consistent routine to the week? Would that help?

And your counsellor sounds like they should be struck off! No wonder you feel so miserable - could you get referred to someone else? Is there any way at all you could have a few private sessions, by cutting back on other things?

MyEye - neither you and I are not arbitrators of the thread

gingernutlover, so sorry you feel like a crap mother. You sound like you are trying very hard. You have to with a dd like yours.

I have a similar dd 4.6. She goes for the jugular and then does not let go. She has perfected her whingey voice and contrary ways.

It is par-for-the-course that if you ask for advice, inevitably people will apply the techniques and hypothesis they apply to their own easier children to yours. They are trying to help. But you feel like crap because the methods don't work (or only once for 2 minutes) and it is difficult for people to understand what it is like day-to-day with yours. By all means, try the advice, but don't beat yourself up if it does not result in miracles.

I don't suffer from depression. Not being funny or anything. But in case you think your state-of-mind is clouding your view, I can tell you when you have such a dd, you are not imagining it.

Listen to horsish, it bears repeating (and I am taking comfort from her words as well: "GNL Now I am no child expert but I do work with families and children as part of my job which I have been doing now for over 20 years.
I have watched numerous children grow from birth to teenagers.

The way you describe your daughter is a definite type I have observed! I have to say the examples i can think of have all been girls.....However WITHOUT exception they have grown into really lovely children. The change seems to happen around 7 - 9 years old.The negativity and moaning just sort of evaporates.

They then grow up to be absolutely smashing teenagers and young people."

Deep in my bones, I know dd will come out of it. She gives me such lovely cuddles and I am the most important person in the entire world to her. She says it with every pore of her body, and she fights for attention with the force of nature, even if it comes out with a whingey voice because I am not giving her the 100% attention she demands.

So you do exactly what your mother did when you need time out, which could be resulting in your dd feeling (even at 2) "i have never felt that my mum was there for me". I'm not trying you make you feel worse, and I'm no expert at all.

Do you have bouts of silliness with her - tickling, running aroung chasing and giggling, or "oh no I simply have to have another rollaround cuddle" etc? I love those moments when we're all giggling together - it's fun (and when I'm knackered etc and don't really want to at the outset, I still feel better afterwards). Quality activities are good, but again not if you are just going through the motions - do something to make you laugh too. A babysitter sounds like a good idea, so dd is at least in her own environment rather than a strange creche, and you could go and have the long bath, go for a run/brisk walk etc even if just for an hour, and have that time to yourself. It might help too if you can think well, "only until 3 and then X is coming so I'll have a break".

I do work full time (although partly from home), so of course I'm also coming at this from a different experience to you. But my god laughing with my children feels good.

myeye, she's 2 so possibly not old enough yet for starcharts, though good for when older

2.5 I think
used them with ds from this age, worked well

gingernutlover, you won't turn your dd into a calm happy child overnight, but you can make the journey more pleasant.

I would use the nursery more, if you can. My dd would have phases of being clingy and teary at drop-off, but I was always firm - no choice anyway, I had to go to work. If your dd settles once you are gone, it is fine. My dd forgets her whingey self at nursery. It is a completely different environment and she has different expectations of it (not the lofty ones she expects of her mother). She enjoys herself and the buzz and does not fuss.

You say you work with children. The irony is that children can be much better behaved outside their home environment than at home with their parents (and mothers, in particular). So believe me when I say, the dynamics at play when she is at home and when she is at nursery are different. And you and she deserve a break from destructive patterns.

The break (yes, work is a huge break) re-charges me to go back into the fray.

You are a great mother. Your dd is lucky to have you. Another mother would have left her child in the creche. You did not. You need to look after yourself more.

It is very difficult to ascertain whether it is "bad parenting" or "a difficult child" that is creating the tension between parent and child, and on a thread on the internet almost impossible to judge unless you are at the extremes of the spectrum...

I think 2.5 also but young for star charts, my DS is bright but wouldnt have "got" them at that age.
But other incentives coudl work, offering a trip to the park/cafe etc if she does what she is asked etc?