will i ever enjoy being a parent? still really fed up 2.5 years on

[gingernutlover]

dd is now 2.5, i had pnd when she was born and am now off the AD's about a year now but I really think I am the worlds crappest mother. Most days i feel that i just shouldn't jhave had children.

My dh says i need to have more patience with her and my friend says she needs more discipline and that she is spoilt

I can say honestly she has spent the last 2.5 years moaning at me - i just seem to get through the days we spedn together little biut by little bit, just waiting for dh to get home.

Then only times I am really feel like me are when I am at work (3 days a week)

fed up with feeling like this.

No matter what i do with her, however many nice things we do together, cooking, craft park swimming etc etc etc she is never happy - she constantly winges and I AM JUST TOTALLY FED UP WITH IT. She has always been like this and people will always say oh its her col;ic or her teeth hurting, oh its her age. Well when you have it every single day for 2.5 years it loses its novelty

Bearing in mind my job i just cant believe i am this rubbish at being a mummy (i work with young children)

at the moment we are averageing at least 5 tantrums a day, normally about wanting to do things herself and me not help her (now when this is chopping the veggies for dinner or doing the ironing, there is honestly no way i can let her do it, so please dont suggest it)

anyone got any tips for turning her into a happy calm child who doesnt make me feel like walking out of the house most days?

I think tangible, meaningful incentives are much more useful than star charts at whatever age children are at.

Children can learn from very young that if they want to go out to the park they need first to have a bath, get dressed and tidy their room.

you sound depressed still tbh

yes it is difficult age (this is when having another child makes it easier - they can entertain each other), but I agree that she is trying to get your attention.

starcharts pointless IMO

Could you try to do 30 mins a day of whatever she wants - let her lead, do whatever she wants to play, remain cheerful and positive for that 30 mins? I did this when I was finding it hard to juggle my three and it really really helped with their behaviour -t hey enjoy their special time with mummy and then you feel less guilty for putting cbeebies on

Anna I agree and I think its a good lesson for kids to learn that cooperation is the way forward.

Message withdrawn

Anna, nothing that gingernut describes sounds like 'bad parenting', apart from what she describes of her dd's demanding nature. She sounds like a much better parent than me and put up with far more than I would have tolerated on a daily basis.

gingernut could do with a break, in every sense of the word, including from people who seek to tar her with any 'bad parenting' brush. Not saying anyone on this thread is.

Oh yes, getting out every day, at least once, is almost a given, esp with demanding DCs.

no negativity and moaning here despite three girls

I utterly dispute it is gender specific [pro-girls hat on]

Gingernutlover: "the other thing about working full time would be the getting her up 5 days a week, its a nightmare getting out the house 3 days, with her having tantrums the minute she gets up and insisting on dressing hersefl when she cant, hitting me, biting me every time i try to help, by the time i get out the house i am already boiling over with frustartion

do you think it would be worth trying the creche at the gym?"

About the getting out the house if you are working ft, one trick is to dress her in comfortable clothes at night before bed that she can wear to nursery the next day. Saves yourself a fight the next day. I have lots of experience with getting reluctant dcs to nursery on time.

By all means try the creche!

Your dd is a survivor. Enjoy your brain surgeon in the making.

blueshoes - I don't think it is helpful to blame children ("demanding nature").

You take risk when you have children - you don't know what kind of child you'll get. You have a responsibility as a parent to tune in to your child and help it negotiate the world.

Anna, erhem, I do help my child negotiate the world, difficult as she is. You are not suggesting that because I leave her at nursery she is not learning anything from me?

Nothing that you are described of your dd makes her sound in the least bit 'difficult'. You are entitled to your view and free to give advice, but as a parent of a 'difficult child', I am entitled to take it with a pinch of salt.

BTW, from previous threads, I don't think our parenting stance differs substantially - for example, we both believe in following the child's lead as to whether they are developmentally ready for the next stage and respecting the child. But how my parenting pans out with my dd is different from yours. Wonder why? Must be my bad parenting. Or maybe our dd's are different?

blueshoes - no, she's not difficult because she is well-treated.

If I had tried to leave her in a crèche or nursery our lives would have been a lot less enjoyable.

As it is, as a 3.5 year old she can verbalise, calmly, when adults treat her badly and ask for help from me.

[gets popcorn]

I'll leave you to it, Anna.

can you let her dress herself in at least SOME of her clothes? dd3 is not quite 2 and can put her trousers and coat on (and her shoes).

Yes, choose your battles - at this age my dd was off to nursery at least 3 days a week in a tutu/other fancy dress. I just sent in a change of clothes in case she wanted to change - most of the time she didn't!

Agree - so many battles between parent and child are unnecessary as the issue in question is just one the child will grow out of in his/her own time in any case.

I can confirm it's not just girls that whinge. My ds is only 10 months but by GOD can he whinge if I'm not playing with him when he wants me to.

Good luck with this GNL. I get myself through by hoping he'll be a brain surgeon when all is done.

With the choice thing you do need to be specific - like hold up two pairs of trousers and say "you choose which ones - the pink ones or the blue ones" then "now choose your top the red one or the green one" - you do have to be quite forceful with it - if he starts to say he wants a third choice I do just cut him dead and say "no - the blue one or the red one"

If i give DS the whole wardrobe to choose from he has a meltdown as just too much choice IYSWIM

The flying horse thing does work if you don't do it too often and keep changing the 'thing'

1. enormous bird (there is usually a bird around anyway)
2. flying fairies (night sky only point at aeroplane lights) NB also works at christmas - look there's santa!
3. Fox/cat in the garden
4. ....anyone else think of some!

I completely agree with Enid. I think overanalysing why the OP feels the way she does is going to just make the OP feel even worse.

How do you solve problems, TotalChaos, if not by analysing them and testing hypotheses as to where you are going wrong?

thank everyone for all your advice

justabouttohavelunch - unfortunetly i just dont think i would cope with working full time and being a mum, and i do feel that i can do things that nursery can't, they arent her mum, most of the girls tere dont have their own children and they are excellent at looking after dd but they are not her parent and there are a lot of children to adults as is the case at most nurseries. I do think i am still depressed to an extent but there is no answer to that, i dont want to take ad's again and there is no more councelling available so end of the road on that count rather. We have nice times together at home, and i would be lying if i said i hate every minute, but the dark cloud still hovers and never seems to completely go away.

fym "With the choice thing you do need to be specific - like hold up two pairs of trousers and say "you choose which ones - the pink ones or the blue ones" then "now choose your top the red one or the green one" - you do have to be quite forceful with it - if he starts to say he wants a third choice I do just cut him dead and say "no - the blue one or the red one" yes i do all that, dd is wilfull and still insists on pulling everything out of the wardrobe - am thinking i need a lock on it

TheHonEnid on Mon 07-Apr-08 11:23:51
"can you let her dress herself in at least SOME of her clothes? dd3 is not quite 2 and can put her trousers and coat on (and her shoes)." Yes i can do this if i am happy to spedn half an hour waiting while she chooses and then a further half an hour aiwting for her to put the clothes on, and before you say it, no i cant get her up earlyier, not a good idea believe me

Anna8888 on Mon 07-Apr-08 11:16:41
"blueshoes - no, she's not difficult because she is well-treated." where as my child is very badly treated - ta very much for that!

"If I had tried to leave her in a crèche or nursery our lives would have been a lot less enjoyable." how wonderful for you that you never HAD to do this then - i have no choice but to work

blueshoes - good idea about dressing her the night before, hadnt thought of this but apart from a quick nappy change this is possible even if it was justa vest and top,. then she could choose her trousers

By crumpet on Mon 07-Apr-08 10:47:07
So you do exactly what your mother did when you need time out, which could be resulting in your dd feeling (even at 2) "i have never felt that my mum was there for me". I'm not trying you make you feel worse, and I'm no expert at all. - yes i take her to pubs and dance the night away whilst she fall asleep surrounded by fag ends, I also plop her infront of the TV and go back to bed for hours on a weekend, oh and i have screaming rows with my husband infront of her. Not to mentionleaving her in the gym changing rooms unnatended while i go to exercise classes - yes i do all of this and it makes me a mother who is not there for her child how dare you compare me to my mother, this has really upset me, you did not bother to ask exactly what my mother did you just assumed that i must have done it as well because you see yourself as some kind of wondermum

By crumpet on Mon 07-Apr-08 10:47:07
So you do exactly what your mother did when you need time out, which could be resulting in your dd feeling (even at 2) "i have never felt that my mum was there for me". I'm not trying you make you feel worse, and I'm no expert at all. -

yes i take her to pubs and dance the night away whilst she fall asleep surrounded by fag ends, I also plop her infront of the TV and go back to bed for hours on a weekend, oh and i have screaming rows with my husband infront of her. Not to mentionleaving her in the gym changing rooms unnatended while i go to exercise classes - yes i do all of this and it makes me a mother who is not there for her child

how dare you compare me to my mother, this has really upset me, you did not bother to ask exactly what my mother did you just assumed that i must have done it as well because you see yourself as some kind of wondermum

I can really empathise with you. I also had PND and felt very negative about myself and DS1 for about the first 2 and a half years. The worse I felt, the worse his behaviour became.

I don't think the REAL problem was ever his 'demanding nature' (although he certainly was/is as demanding as any other young child), nor was it my lack of parenting skills. I was just unhappy. I had given up my successful, much-respected career position (teacher too) to work part-time and was seen as a supply teacher. Lost all status / respect, or so it felt to me. Also had quite a few issues within my marriage and family members / friends (I can see now this was largely due to my depressed state of mind and lack of support with it).
I think it can be very hard to get any real sense of achievement in your life when you work part-time, although it is often seen as the 'ideal'.

I don't want you to be upset. Not my intention. I didn't assume - I took what you said: "yes my mum probabyl was the same" and responded accordingly.

My family would laugh at the suggestion that I am a wondermum - I am very shouty. But I love having fun with them and was trying to share that feeling with you as your posts don't sound like you're having fun at the moment.

Bowing out now.