How’s your house function normally with an incredibly angry/disruptive child in it?

[EvangelicalAboutButteredToast]

I’m pondering this tonight as we’ve crashed into the bank holiday weekend in absolute turmoil again due to my eight year olds behaviour.

Manages to be a role model student at school but has been exceptionally dysregulated at home since the age of four. No ACES. No diagnosis, presents as NT I would say. Extremely controlling which I know can go hand in hand with anxiety.

In the last few days they have put a hole in the wall, thrown everything around when angry. Blocked me into various rooms whilst hitting me and pushing me continuously. Pushed my eleven year old around and blocked them from leaving areas. Will scream and scream for over an hour. Demands their own way at all times. Cannot cope with being told no. Extremely defiant, never acquiesces on anything. Most disagreeable personality I think I’ve met.

I’ve approached lots of outside help in the last four years and attended training courses through my work and privately. The best I can do is manage it. Down the line I can honestly see it breaking the family up. My partner (the children’s dad) is barely coping really. We grab a tiny amount of time together each day to have a relationship but our child dominates everything. Days out get ruined. Days in creates a war in the house. I’m honestly at a bit of a loss.

can anyone else relate and if so, how are you all managing and did anything improve with time? By the way this child is EXTREMELY bright and has a wonderful group of friends and a hobby they love. No financial worries. No arguing between partner and I.

School family advisor does not sound like she gave helpful advice! It’s May not be ‘his fault’ but that doesn’t equal he can’t be held accountable. And that doesn’t necessarily mean with sanctions but with natural/logical consequences and conversations about how his behaviour affects others.

I think the emphasis is for the parent to sort it out. Which I understand as the child is a child and under the age of responsibility but equally my parenting is bloody good and I deserve to be allowed to have some peace sometimes. My job is mainly dealing with children who have trauma so it has enabled me to be good at my job and do all the requisite training but I’m going to have to consider leaving my job if this continues as I have no respite from it and are sometimes hurt at work and at home.

"I’ve approached lots of outside help in the last four years and attended training courses through my work and privately."

Have you looked at parenting courses offered by children's services? Based on your job, you are probably not likely to need any parenting courses, but in my area the specific course they offer is a hoop you have to jump through before they will refer for ADHD assessment or let you have access to a family support worker.

Also - separately - I suggest you contact your local SENDIASS if you haven't yet done so. The school should be offering support with emotional/social needs even if he is doing great academically.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast Apologies for banging on about this, but please consider experimenting with cutting out gluten and/ or other known allergens. This transformed my DS. He is only 5 but his behaviour was similar to what you describe. Our low was Christmas, where he trashed his room, screamed, roared, scratched, kicked, hit and cried (mainly at me), because we asked him to at least try to put his socks on. The first time I said no to an impossible request after we ditched gluten I noticed I was mentally bracing myself for a shit show. He looked at me, shrugged, and said, "OK!"

Sound like you need to include your DH in the parenting and look after yourself by going out and getting the occasional babysitter. Those aren't abusive actions.

Your DS is very very likely AsD with demand avoidance, possibly other disorders too but that's for a Dr to diagnose (you mention you work in his school, I'm surprised ND hasn't occurred to you?)

You need your remove yourself from being 1 hundred % available as his punchbag, and start getting strategies and diagnoses, this is a marathon not a sprint, but as soon as you get started the better.

Yes maybe leave your current job, but find another which hopefully will help keep some balance in your own life., you are important too, don't sacrifice everything!

(I have a family member a bit older than your Ds but either the same behaviours)

how did you get on @EvangelicalAboutButteredToast ? Sounds a lot like my DS but even though he always a bit ‘prickly’ he can go through periods of being ‘ok’ its almost like he has a window of tolerance and if it small he can’t do anything asked of him and will have these huge meltdowns like you described. The things that trigger the lower tolerance I can’t predict but have noticed tiredness and diet impacts him too.

He does seem to find school hard though and is at times not engaging in any school work during the day. I’ve read so many things and PDA is coming up a lot. He doesn’t present as autistic in the stereotypical way. He’s also fairly academically able, maths particularly.

No advice apart from making sure your 11 year old doesn’t miss out on things. Not being able to do days out with your 8 year old shouldn’t mean your 11 year old can’t have them. It would be a break for whichever parent gets to take them out too.