How’s your house function normally with an incredibly angry/disruptive child in it?

[EvangelicalAboutButteredToast]

I’m pondering this tonight as we’ve crashed into the bank holiday weekend in absolute turmoil again due to my eight year olds behaviour.

Manages to be a role model student at school but has been exceptionally dysregulated at home since the age of four. No ACES. No diagnosis, presents as NT I would say. Extremely controlling which I know can go hand in hand with anxiety.

In the last few days they have put a hole in the wall, thrown everything around when angry. Blocked me into various rooms whilst hitting me and pushing me continuously. Pushed my eleven year old around and blocked them from leaving areas. Will scream and scream for over an hour. Demands their own way at all times. Cannot cope with being told no. Extremely defiant, never acquiesces on anything. Most disagreeable personality I think I’ve met.

I’ve approached lots of outside help in the last four years and attended training courses through my work and privately. The best I can do is manage it. Down the line I can honestly see it breaking the family up. My partner (the children’s dad) is barely coping really. We grab a tiny amount of time together each day to have a relationship but our child dominates everything. Days out get ruined. Days in creates a war in the house. I’m honestly at a bit of a loss.

can anyone else relate and if so, how are you all managing and did anything improve with time? By the way this child is EXTREMELY bright and has a wonderful group of friends and a hobby they love. No financial worries. No arguing between partner and I.

This.

Hi, I'm really sorry you're going through this, sounds very familiar, it's hard and overwhelming, my heart goes out to you.
I agree with all who say this is not NT. We had/have similar with our DS, perfect at school, very bright, sporty, lots of friends, absolute nightmare at home and sooo unhappy. He used to be wracked with guilt after a meltdown, it was heartbreaking.

Our outcome is that he is diagnosed with ADHD, along with very high iq, which is what helps him mask at school. It's called 'twice exceptional' which is a wanky name, but what can you do. Might be worth doing some reading about that and see if it sounds familiar.

Private diagnosis is the only way to go as school don't see the symptoms, but push on and advocate for him if you think this might be your son.

Incidentally, we also thought our son was bright but not 'genius'. Actually, once he was on medication and able to have a calmer life in general, it turns out he is off the chart in terms of ability, he was actually really struggling when everyone thought he was doing great.

No reason why your son would be identical to mine, but your account seems so familiar I thought it might be useful to share.

You're doing a good job. It may get easier, I hope it does. Remember, though it may not seem like it, you are his safe space, that's why he can explode when he's with you.

Im downstairs in the dark after another very difficult bedtime.

He’s been threatening to melt down for hours. I took him to the park after dinner in the hope that some exercise might take the edge off it when it went bang. Nope. Instead the park was a long list of issues. I wasn’t kicking the ball right, he wasn’t kicking the ball right. I wasn’t pushing the swing correctly. I needed to shut up as he was going to swing himself. When I left him to it and swung on the swing next door he threw a load of wood bark in my face. So I walked home with him shouting abuse behind me.

Then at home I tried to read him a book. He smashed up his room. I left the room and he followed me around the house throwing things about. He is very much focused on me which I find interesting. My partner is upstairs but he’s not bothered with him at all. I am like the prey animal being stalked. I’d be interested to know why I’m such a focus. Is it because I’m the primary caregiver?

Please OP, read my previous post re cutting out gluten 🙏

I am so sorry to hear about your evening, that sounds horrible and heartbreaking in equal measure! Stupid question maybe, but have you tried discussing his angry outbursts/ meltdowns with him afterwards? My son is a few years younger and struggled to explain, but it sounds so familiar. Hats off to you for coping as well as you are!

I'm so sorry you have been going through such a tough time. You need to seek professional help Asap. How did he feel when you suggested to go to the park? Was he excited? Was it your idea or his idea?

You mentioned a hobby, is it something you both can do together?

He wants to go, I’d never force him to go and he’s always sorry when he’s calmed down. He tends to say ‘you don’t deserve that’ and I say no I don’t and we cuddle. It’s all so perplexing.

Mine used to follow me screaming too. It's horrendous. You have my utmost sympathy.

It's so positive that he can actually see the effect of his behaviour on you. He just can't help it. I hope someone can give you a more sound advice. You are doing your absolute best

So sorry you’ve had such an awful evening @EvangelicalAboutButteredToast

Obsession/intense focus with people, especially certain people is common in PDA. There is a good bit about it on the PDA society website and their IG.

Sorry you’ve had a shitty night OP. It really does have such an impact when there is behaviour like this present. Thinking of you!

my boy is at his nans for the evening after he barged me, kicked me and “accidentally” shut the glove box on my finger. 🤯

Sorry if I’ve missed it but don’t have a wider support network outside of your DP?

Not really no. I mean yes to supportive adults around me but no one close that I could let take over for the night. My DP is often away with work also so it really is just me.

interestingly though he tends to be better behaved when it’s just one of us. It’s as thought that makes him feel a little less secure and he doesn’t want to risk screwing it up with the parent he has left if that makes any sense.

So sorry OP.
That sounds horrific.
Do you have time / funds to go to therapy yourself - incidents like that will affect you, they are traumatic.

Ha ha honestly my life has been one big trauma. This is nothing. I had a childhood full of ACES. This is absolutely nothing by comparison to shit I’ve gone through. That’s probably why I’m so determined to give my kids the childhood I wanted. Stable, loving, supportive, kind.

interestingly though he tends to be better behaved when it’s just one of us

DC1 is exactly the same. I think it’s easier for him to feel in control when there is only one adult to keep tabs on. It’s much harder to maintain control in a situation where you are outnumbered and people are doing different things in different places. He’s at his absolute worse when we go to my parents and people are pottering around in different rooms doing different things.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast
I understand that philosophy... however don't let that blindly lead you into a life where you're being abused. (Possibly again depending on your childhood.)

And in a fucked up way, being another type of abuse that you'll think you have no right to get out of.

It’s certainly a mess. Let’s see what tomorrow brings. I appreciate all the support ❤️

What is the psychology behind this? I know lots of children and young people seek control but usually it's through how they set up their rooms, what they eat, how they dress... then at the other end of the scale it can be the bad friendship groups they fall into, or perhaps drug us, or developing ocd tendencies or eating disorders as a way to gain control. All sorts of ways this can play out, this need for control.

But a need to control other people? Where does that come from? And what's the end goal... control them to do what? Why doesn't he like other people just going about their lives- what does he want them to do instead?

Sorry, I've been following the thread with interest and I'm just trying to get my head around the behaviours as I know a child like this and, to be honest, when I see his behaviours I had always thought (to myself- I've never said to his parents) "this child is going to grow up to have a personality disorder." NPD or BPD.

What you are experiencing is child to parent abuse. It's more common than you may think about 1 in every 10 families. What is unusual is it started when he was very very young. It explains a lot of things that you have been telling. It usually happens to opposite sex parent. Read about it. You need to seek professional help, call Gp get him referred to a specialist. You need to have therapies . Does anyone in the extended family have a psychiatric condition? It might be hereditary.

Again it’s interesting to me how shocked you all are when I’ve had nothing but gas lighting from anyone I’ve ever talked to about it. I can clearly remember his reception teacher saying to me when I told her he was hitting me regularly, ‘how much can a 5 year old hitting really hurt?!’ Errrrrrr a lot!

These are my thoughts. I’ve talked to him again this morning about how he really needs to manage his anger better and stop giving himself permission to be as rude and aggressive as he likes at home. He tells me he is going to try harder. So I’m going to see what happens this evening.

I’m liking the idea of some covert cameras around the house so we can actually get some footage of it that I can take somewhere. I think it’s going to have much more power if I can show some video examples than me just saying it. I talked to the school family advisor at Christmas and she pretty much said it was not his fault at all. I couldn’t hold him accountable for any of it and that I just needed to do more work on myself. So I guess that’s what I’m mainly going to hear until his older - which is why I’ve just accepted it and got with it.

Unfortunately noone can give you a good advice nor diagnose online. You don't need schools support, talk to gp if it doesn't work find a private specialist. It's not his fault either all children will behave well if they can. He is struggling with someone and you don't know what exactly causing the behaviour. He is very young with therapies, love and understanding this can be sorted quickly.

I found it helpful to get a private OT assessment. She was the first person to take me seriously - when she said "it's not in your head" I almost cried on the spot. Managed to hold it together during the assessment but then cried all the way home (DS in the back so he wasn't aware).

I used the OT assessment report and other evidence I'd managed to gather, took it all to GP and they agreed to refer for an assessment under Right to Choose.

Such a relief now to have a diagnosis and validation; I'm not a crap parent!

@Bomblesofbimbledon the reason behind the controlling behaviour is the child is desperately trying to feel safe and impose a sense of control over a world that seems terrifying. I’m talking about PDA here. My daughter is 5 and diagnosed. Now I know what I’m doing and she feels safer, the controlling behaviour (which was focussed on me, her mum) has significantly reduced.

does your school use any regulation interventions like Zones of Regulation, teh Anger Gremlin or any kind of emotional literacy stuff? Maybe you could get hold of them and they will help structure conversations around managing anger and help him with ways to do so - if he wants to try to manage his anger that’s good but also hard for him to do. Does he have a 1:1 slot with you that is scheduled into his day? Sounds formal but might be worst doing 15 minutes each day which is planned in advance for a nice bonding activity he can choose.