13 yo son hasn't been to school for 8 months, I got cross with him yesterday

[rob38]

My son lives primarly with his mum. He does not have ASD, ADHD etc. there are no issues preventing him from going to school, he is just able to stay at home if he wants too.

Yesterday I wrote 'As you are intelligent you could have a bright future open to you, doing any job or career you like, or you could stay up late and slob around at your mums - its up to you'.

Was that too harsh?

This is an excuse. Your child's well being should come first and foremost.

It sounds like he is being failed by both of you.

If there was ever a time to step up it's now. The whole situation boils down to choices. He's choosing not to attend school, his mother is choosing to do nothing about it, you are choosing to blame his mother and not shoulder any responsibility.

You can CHOOSE to change this. You can put support in place for him, you can petition for custody in several different ways. You are CHOOSING to make excuses, bury your head, and pass the blame.

CHOOSE to so the right thing for your child before it's too late for him. Choose to help him attain his full potential. This will affect the rest of his life if he is poorly educated and supported. Choose to be an active parent and stop whinging.

So you can't deal with this due to your MH issues, but it's all his mums fault because she has MH issues?

Sounds about right. My ex was the same. Dcs non attendance was definitely my fault (it wasn't. He has severe anxiety) but ex couldn't possibly help because <insert every possible reason under the sun>

Poor kid being failed by two parents. He was doomed from the start.

Migraine spots have no effect on you or your cognitive abilities. I also have them.

https://americanmigrainefoundation.org/resource-library/migraine-and-brain-lesions/ This is an interview with one of the world's top migraine experts.

Your text reminded me so much of the one I received from my father a few weeks ago. He insisted that something was my fault when if he had bothered listening to me over the last year he would know that there was an external cause I could not negotiate. Your son needs parenting and you are blaming his mother, just like my father has been doing for 40 years.

Surely if some of the listed agencies were concerned enough about her parenting they would have supported your application to increase access etc?

@rob38 you are either making this all up or a truly pathetic excuse for a parent.

Your 13 yo needs you to step the hell ip, get over yourself and help him.

Continue like this and your son will end up an uneducated adult with very few opportunities and it will all be the fault of his parents.

Getting cross with him is not going to solve anything,

There will be reasons he is not in school. If it is as simple as mum does not want to take him (I doubt it) then get involved.

At the school where I work we have pastoral support workers who will pick a student up and help them get into school. This is absolutely standard in many secondaries.

Find out what is going on and support your son properly.

You sound as useless a parent as you seem to think his mother is. 'I can only send texts'. About sums it up.

I only get migraines when I see my son at the moment due to the stress of him not going to school. I am waiting to see a neurologist but have had to stop seeing him until then, or until he goes back to school.
oh my god. You have no right to send him shitty texts when you can’t even handle SEEING him. Maybe he handles stress like you do- very badly. But he’s a kid not a parent. You need to get you to therapy to handle stress better, see your child and cope with the migraines until you’ve worked on that, and ideally take your child to family therapy with you so they can understand why you feel so strongly about school (but not strongly enough to see your child) and what scares him.

i couldn’t blame his mum for all his behaviour, seems like he gets it from both parents.

Is this for real? That boy is being failed by everyone around him if he hasn't been in for the whole of this school year. He's not going to bounce back from it. Sounds like he would be better off all round being removed into someone else's care.

^ This.

One of you needs to step up. Both of you appear to be letting him down right now.

It's your responsibility as much as it is his mother's. Yes she is not parenting him, but neither are you.
And here you are, dissing her parenting skills, which you admit may be mental-health, and yet you're using health reasons for why you're not more involved!

Have a word with yourself and look at your own behaviour before putting all the blame on others!

From a mother going through a horrifically mentally challenging court case regarding contact, with severe anxiety relating to my children's father, for which I'm having therapy.

Grow up.

My god, you sound like an absolute melt. You need to step up and be a parent to this child!!!!!

If CAHMs have been involved there's no way he doesn't have issues. Don't think you are being especially honest with his difficulties.
Be supportive, that's all, praise any small steps in the right direction.

No way on earth this child does not have anxiety or SEN. Support don't judge.

I’m sorry what. You don’t see your son because you get migraines. What an absolute joke. I take it you don’t work either with them. Both of you have neglected your son and frankly you should be ashamed. You need to up your game. Your son can turn this around but with help. Social services need to be involved and you need to work with your ex despite whatever issues you both have. If he won’t go to school then get a personal tutor.

What a wind up 😂 there’s no real threads on this site anymore.

You sound like a right chump. If this is true, you and your ex are both failing your son. FFS start parenting him - and that starts by making sure he gets to school.

Migraine spots my arse 🙄🙄🙄

@randomusernam nope, I get migraines and they are causing small areas of brain damage (brain lesions) called migraine spots. I have to avoid getting migraines and am waiting to see a neurologist

Ok and?! I don't get how that makes you any different from mum she has MH you have migraines yet she's the bad guy not you. Step up and do something about your child rather than complain on the internet and blaming mum. Read some of the other comments I'm not the only one who thinks this.

CornishPorsche nope they increase your risk of dementia and other issues, also it depends where in the brain you get them. I usually see my son, and am active in trying to get him to attend school but I cannot at the moment until I see a neurologist which I am on a waiting list for, or unless he goes back to school. I dont just get a bit of a head ache I get clusters of migraines and hemiplegic migraines.

Poor kid. 2 shit parents.

Is there a reason why people on here are so messed up / critical? You seem to get some enjoyment from being in the right, or being critical of someone you don't know.

I have involved Camhs and Social Services. I have liaised with school, of course I have asked my son if there is an issue. As have school, as have Camhs, as has his Early Help Worker. Of course I have done every thing possible. Nope there is nothing wrong with my parenting or my son. He is just allowed to stay off school and game if he wants too where as most kids are not. He does not have anxiety etc. there is no reason for his none attendance other than his mother who he lives with not caring if he goes to school or not.

I am going to unfollow this thread now.