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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

13 yo son hasn't been to school for 8 months, I got cross with him yesterday

67 replies

rob38 · 27/04/2024 12:30

My son lives primarly with his mum. He does not have ASD, ADHD etc. there are no issues preventing him from going to school, he is just able to stay at home if he wants too.

Yesterday I wrote 'As you are intelligent you could have a bright future open to you, doing any job or career you like, or you could stay up late and slob around at your mums - its up to you'.

Was that too harsh?

OP posts:

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 27/04/2024 15:01

@rob38 to be honest, both parents should be ashamed of themselves!!! eight months!!!!! mum and dad are absolving themselves of any blame regarding school attendance!!! he has missed nearly a year of schooling. this is not good. you both need a kick up the arse and the boy needs to be put into care if neither of you are prepared to accept responsibility for him!!

Original poster

rob38 · 27/04/2024 15:03

I do get some good information from here sometimes, despite the aggro, but I pitty the people that are on here all the time looking for drama, what sad lives you must have😥

OP posts:

loropianalover · 27/04/2024 15:09

rob38 · 27/04/2024 15:03

I do get some good information from here sometimes, despite the aggro, but I pitty the people that are on here all the time looking for drama, what sad lives you must have😥

ermmmm thought you were unfollowing the thread (that you created, to ask for opinions)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families

MigGirl · 27/04/2024 15:09

Codswallop, there is no form of migraine that causes permanent brain damage. Trust me I've been paranoid about this for the last 27 years, 2 neurologist, and a neurosurgeon and I've been reassured that they don't. I have a tuma on my brain but the neurosurgeon has been very clear this isn't caused by my chronic migraine and they vertiualy always find something when they do an MRI.

I suffer chronic migraine (15 or more pain days a month). I work 4 days a week and always make sure my kids are my priority. I make sure they are at school everyday, excluding sickness.

You need to see your son and even take him to school or presue custody. Even if it makes you stressed (stress is one of my main triggers), you should be putting your child first.

CornishPorsche · 27/04/2024 15:13

rob38 · 27/04/2024 14:51

CornishPorsche nope they increase your risk of dementia and other issues, also it depends where in the brain you get them. I usually see my son, and am active in trying to get him to attend school but I cannot at the moment until I see a neurologist which I am on a waiting list for, or unless he goes back to school. I dont just get a bit of a head ache I get clusters of migraines and hemiplegic migraines.

I also have hemiplegic attacks, classic attacks, silent migraine, vestibular migraine which leads to cyclical vomiting and have had cluster headache in the past. At my worst, it was attacks up to 28 days a month.

I really do know what I'm talking about as not only am I horrifically experienced in this I am very well read in it having spent many many years researching it, studying it and joining things like the Migraine World Summit every year.

You are, I'm afraid, either badly advised or using migraine as an excuse to be a shit parent.

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 27/04/2024 15:18

"I can't see you for several months, son. Because the doctor says you're causing me permanent brain damage."

Pull the other one, you're using this as an excuse to avoid your responsibilities. What would you do if you and his mother were still together? Go and rent yourself a flat to avoid him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2024 15:18

FloofyBird · 27/04/2024 13:33

So you can't deal with this due to your MH issues, but it's all his mums fault because she has MH issues?

Quite. I am typically very dubious about men coming on here to elicit criticism of women, particularly mothers.

OP there's a whole internet out there of men who will agree with you that women are bitches. The only reason to come on here is to try to get women and mothers to agree.

You're both failing your son. Maybe neither of you can cope. Maybe you could try harder. But she's still doing 100% of the care so if anyone is getting a pass, it's her.

WonderingWanda · 27/04/2024 15:19

Op, you say there is nothing wrong with your parenting but you also admit to being too anxious to pursue custody so that you can actually parent him. In essence you are an absent father. No amount disapproving text messages is going to fix this, it will only make him resent you further. When he is an adult he will despair at why neither of his parents could get their shit together and do the basics. You seem to want us to tell you it's not your fault, it's all his mothers fault. Sadly, it is a combination of both of you being flakey and more concerned with your own issues than his. Poor kids got no chance!

Hopebridge · 27/04/2024 15:24

I have hemiplegic migraines. I have for years and it can be debilitating. I do have good preventative meds now so that will hopefully reassure you. Are you able to keep a diary to monitor triggers? This will help before you see the neurologist. I have white matter lessions from attacks but have never had dementia increase risk mentioned. This is common in migraine sufferers so try not to be overly concerned.

With regard to your son it must be very difficult and I imagine his Mum doesn't realise she's making it more difficult for herself.

I think you need to speak to someone and seek professional help have you looked at Family line or similar for advice? They can offer guidance. It's good your son has friends. Did anything trigger him leaving school initially?

Toddlerteaplease · 27/04/2024 15:28

Sorry to be unsympathetic but you are making excuses for not having your son. His furry is at stake, and he's not being patented adequately by either parent. I've been a nurse for 20 years and have never heard of 'migraine spots'

stayathomer · 27/04/2024 15:29

Op are you allowed see him/ bring him to school etc by the courts/ your ex? Mn can be a bit mad sometimes but people are just trying to figure out why you sent a text as opposed to coming on saying you were talking to him etc. And people here are commenting from personal experiences of being left on their own to parent and then being blamed when things didn’t go smoothly. I’m lucky I’m in a happy marriage but I can kind of see why people aren’t as positive/ helpful as you hoped

edited to add I hope you all sort it out together

NoTouch · 27/04/2024 15:29

Yesterday I wrote 'As you are intelligent you could have a bright future open to you, doing any job or career you like, or you could stay up late and slob around at your mums - its up to you'.

Poor kid really drew the short straw with both parents not giving a shit enough to do something to support him. Then, as a child, having to deal with messages from the person who should be protecting him, telling him the whole sorry mess, and if he fails in life, it will all be his own fault.

CremeEggThief · 27/04/2024 16:14

Blaming everyone else seems a bit of a common theme with you, OP. People can only tell you what they think based on what you yourself have written and unfollowing your own thread isn't going to change the fact that most of us are not wrong! 🤣

HornyHornersPinger · 27/04/2024 16:50

randomusernam · 27/04/2024 13:30

This has got to be a joke right. The mum is awful for not making him go to school but you won't do anything to get him to go except send nasty texts. You then come on the internet and want us to tell you it's ok. Plenty of mums get Migraines and carry on. If you find it so stressful do you not consider that maybe mum does too and you need to work together not send nasty text messages. You are both failing your son so don't turn around and try and blame it all on mum. Tired

This!! 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼

SuperLois34 · 30/04/2024 18:27

I have tried to make a renewed application for custody, but am traumatised from the previous time at court and have had to cancel that application after having nightmares, panic attacks etc

Well, to be frank, you need to suck it up Rob. Get some therapy if you need to. But sort it the fuck out because the poor kid is being failed badly by both parents right now.

AiryFairy101 · 30/04/2024 19:13

Absolutely not too harsh, but you have to take responsibility! That lad isn’t going to suddenly turn around at 18 and decide he’s going to get up at 6am and earn a living! Where is this going…? Sit down with your ex and have a frank conversation. Are you both going to be staring at him on the sofa when you’re retired? He’ll be abusing you at that point too…it’ll be nasty! You rep what you sow.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 30/04/2024 19:28

rob38 · 27/04/2024 13:17

@Dacadactyl

Yes I do, I stays over with his friends, I give him lifts, he stays over during the holidays. Sadly I have been diagnosed as having migraine spots on my brain, which come from migraines I believe. I only get migraines when I see my son at the moment due to the stress of him not going to school. I am waiting to see a neurologist but have had to stop seeing him until then, or until he goes back to school.

This has got to be a joke . My husband died from a brain tumour but he still had time for his children right up to the end. I have a migraine condition very severe which if I didn’t jVe children I could easily stay in bed for several days per month it’s that bad. But I don’t I drag myself out and up so that they get to school.

You need to talk to your son and say that both parents are not doing him any faves atm and he may think it’s great to be off schoool but whats going to happen when hes 16 or 18 and he has to find a job. Explain it’s not just about the education it’s about getting into those lifestyle habits for example getting up and going to school. It’s about all the things that you learn at school that the teachers don’t teach you. It’s about building friendships so that he as a support network outside of the family. It’s tough but you are going to have to put your foot down and start new behaviours and be consistent. You go round there at 8 if he’s refusing to go you don’t stop trying until schools out at 3. Then you repeat.

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