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Original poster

Ex wants 50:50

149 replies

StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 14:46

Ex and I broke up during pregnancy, cheating on his side. Our little one is almost 2 and ex sees him regularly, is a good father, pays maintenence etc.

Currently, ex has him EOW, Friday-Monday. He now wants to do 50:50. He has moved in with a woman and they have just had a baby. So he is settled and can offer DS a stable environment.

He lives in Glasgow, I live near Perth, so just over an hour away from one another.

DS is settled in nursery 4 days a week. Does anyone know if 50:50 would be likely in this case if he went via the courts? Which he has threatened to do.

EDIT: DS does have a speech delay and is on the waiting list for speech and language therapy, so he wouldn't be able to verbally tell me if he was struggling with it all.

OP posts:
Bucket07 · 22/04/2024 14:48

Is he willing to drive him back and forth? Do you have any concerns about his ability to parent?

Original poster
StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 14:50

Bucket07 · 22/04/2024 14:48

Is he willing to drive him back and forth? Do you have any concerns about his ability to parent?

Yes, he'd be willing to drive him back and forth and no, no concerns about his ability to parent. I just think that DS is too young to not have one stable base and be shunted between two homes.

OP posts:
SuperGreens · 22/04/2024 14:52

That would be extremely unsettling for a 2 year old, being ferried between two houses week to week, one with a new born baby. I cant imagine they would get much attention from the other parents with a new born either. Do you think he is motivated by saving money on child support? How will he keep up the nursery place as well, thats too long a drive for a 2 yr old every day. I would refuse as its not in the best interests of the child, and let him take it court, as that is not a cheap or each process.

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Tiddlywinkly · 22/04/2024 14:54

What would happen about school in a few years?

GrumpyPanda · 22/04/2024 14:55

Presumably any 50:50 would have to cease at the very latest once your LO starts school. So what's the point now?

Original poster
StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 14:56

SuperGreens · 22/04/2024 14:52

That would be extremely unsettling for a 2 year old, being ferried between two houses week to week, one with a new born baby. I cant imagine they would get much attention from the other parents with a new born either. Do you think he is motivated by saving money on child support? How will he keep up the nursery place as well, thats too long a drive for a 2 yr old every day. I would refuse as its not in the best interests of the child, and let him take it court, as that is not a cheap or each process.

Money isn't really an issue to him, his mother died in 2020 and he got a very large sum of inheritance. Has enabled him to buy a house outright and plenty to spare, so I don't think money is an issue. He does genuinely love DS and spending time with him.

I've no idea how he'll keep up the nursery place, driving back and forth I assume. I don't know if court could dictate that I drop his days at nursery so that he can spend extra time with ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 14:57

@Tiddlywinkly@GrumpyPanda that's a good point. Do you think the courts would take school in 3 years time into consideration when they decide whether or not to grant 50:50 now?

OP posts:
OldnCrabby · 22/04/2024 15:01

My step daughter, now 34 yrs, was 50:50 after her parents split up when she was 8. Since teenage years she has been troubled with issues: ‘no-one wanted me all the time, so I was split’, ‘I never had a place I could call home as I had to move to and fro’. ‘ I could never settle’. Not the same situation but worth consideration overall. What will happen with school location choice? I would resist 50:50 to ensure givIng child a stable anchor in life. And golden rule: Never ask child to decide for themselves when they are older. This puts to much emotional pressure on them to choose between parents.

BoohooWoohoo · 22/04/2024 15:02

It’s not a workable solution long term because of school. Nobody wants an hour commute (I bet that’s not even rush hour traffic) especially when his younger child will be at a different school hours away.

Younger kids can be at 2 different nurseries but rather than week off/week on, contact would have to be split by weekdays so one parent pays Monday- Wednesday and the other pays Wednesday to Friday with alternate weekends which each parent.

It’s worth discussing which address should be used for school applications. In England it’s the parent who has more weekday nights with the child but you should check what the Scottish rules are.

Original poster
StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 15:04

OldnCrabby · 22/04/2024 15:01

My step daughter, now 34 yrs, was 50:50 after her parents split up when she was 8. Since teenage years she has been troubled with issues: ‘no-one wanted me all the time, so I was split’, ‘I never had a place I could call home as I had to move to and fro’. ‘ I could never settle’. Not the same situation but worth consideration overall. What will happen with school location choice? I would resist 50:50 to ensure givIng child a stable anchor in life. And golden rule: Never ask child to decide for themselves when they are older. This puts to much emotional pressure on them to choose between parents.

These are my exact fears. I'm so worried that he'll feel like this. I really feel that he needs one stable home.

Regarding school location choice, I will insist on it being here in my home city but it depends what courts say I guess.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 22/04/2024 15:07

StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 15:04

These are my exact fears. I'm so worried that he'll feel like this. I really feel that he needs one stable home.

Regarding school location choice, I will insist on it being here in my home city but it depends what courts say I guess.

Show quote history

My DD has the opposite opinion of her 50/50 child arrangements when she was growing up. She loved having 2 homes!

Original poster
StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 15:09

The thought of losing my DS for half of his younger years is just tearing me apart. I do realise that it's his welfare that is the most important thing, and i will go with what is best for him, but as an aside, how is it fair that he cheats and then moves on and has a lovely new life, getting to spend 100% of his time with his new partner and baby and then taking my wee one away 3/4 days a week??

Also I'm a single mum so it's a quiet little household. Their house is much bigger/nicer, he'll have a half sibling there, my worry is that he'll prefer it with them and resent having to live with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 15:10

Soontobe60 · 22/04/2024 15:07

My DD has the opposite opinion of her 50/50 child arrangements when she was growing up. She loved having 2 homes!

Show quote history

Was there such a distance between the two homes?

OP posts:
Moonshine5 · 22/04/2024 15:11

That sounds difficult OP. I wish you luck 🙏🏼

Deathbyfluffy · 22/04/2024 15:12

StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 15:09

The thought of losing my DS for half of his younger years is just tearing me apart. I do realise that it's his welfare that is the most important thing, and i will go with what is best for him, but as an aside, how is it fair that he cheats and then moves on and has a lovely new life, getting to spend 100% of his time with his new partner and baby and then taking my wee one away 3/4 days a week??

Also I'm a single mum so it's a quiet little household. Their house is much bigger/nicer, he'll have a half sibling there, my worry is that he'll prefer it with them and resent having to live with me.

Edited

On the flip side, if he's a good Dad and wants to 'do the bit', how is it fair that he doesn't have the kid 50% of the time?
We live in a time of equality - if he wants to do 50% of the parenting, you should really look at how you can help make that happen rather than putting obstacles in the way.

MN is full of people moaning their ex doesn't do enough, yet here's a man trying to do his best and being told he needs to go through the courts.
Men really can't win!

Original poster
StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 15:15

Deathbyfluffy · 22/04/2024 15:12

On the flip side, if he's a good Dad and wants to 'do the bit', how is it fair that he doesn't have the kid 50% of the time?
We live in a time of equality - if he wants to do 50% of the parenting, you should really look at how you can help make that happen rather than putting obstacles in the way.

MN is full of people moaning their ex doesn't do enough, yet here's a man trying to do his best and being told he needs to go through the courts.
Men really can't win!

Show quote history

It's not really about "winning" though, it's about, first and foremost, what's best for my son. I feel that he needs one main base and I'd be happy for EOW and a couple of days in between but 50:50 just seems too much for a toddler.

OP posts:
Itsnamechange · 22/04/2024 15:20

Deathbyfluffy · 22/04/2024 15:12

On the flip side, if he's a good Dad and wants to 'do the bit', how is it fair that he doesn't have the kid 50% of the time?
We live in a time of equality - if he wants to do 50% of the parenting, you should really look at how you can help make that happen rather than putting obstacles in the way.

MN is full of people moaning their ex doesn't do enough, yet here's a man trying to do his best and being told he needs to go through the courts.
Men really can't win!

Show quote history

You’re thinking about the “rights” of the parent rather than what’s actually best for the child.

The child won’t have a stable base, it won’t work when they go to school, they won’t be able to regularly attend activities or see friends in either location. It’s completely different if both parents live near to each other but Perth - Glasgow isn’t actually a fantastic drive. It’s an hour technically but more like 2 at rush hour and not all motorway. During any kind of difficult weather some of these roads grind to a halt.

OldnCrabby · 22/04/2024 15:21

Things will change over the years with the dynamics of life events. A 2 year old needs stability and consistency. Also, sorry to be a bit paranoid but 50:50 is thin end of wedge and can slip into ex saying that child might as well live with them. I would be sceptical about motives. Much to be said for maintaining status quo and let courts decide.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/04/2024 15:36

I would be worried if it's 50/50 now then at school age he might argue that he is better as better house and near better schools so they child should live with him and just see you at the weekends and school holidays

Reugny · 22/04/2024 15:42

StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 14:57

@Tiddlywinkly@GrumpyPanda that's a good point. Do you think the courts would take school in 3 years time into consideration when they decide whether or not to grant 50:50 now?

Edited

I know in England some parents only have a child arrangements order that goes up until their child starts school.

They are expected to negotiate with one another after that their own child arrangements and if they can't then they have to go back to court. However the parents I know with it are able to take the child to and from the same nursery.

I also know children who have a 50/50 arrangement with their parents. Again the parents live close by timewise.

Basically you live too far away from each other for this to work properly now. If the child was a teen they may decide differently.

I suggest you offer one overnight in the week for the weekends he's not staying with his dad. Then when he starts school drop that and offer half the school holidays. Though to ensure you can both go on holiday with him you will need to do it as a block.

Original poster
StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 15:47

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/04/2024 15:36

I would be worried if it's 50/50 now then at school age he might argue that he is better as better house and near better schools so they child should live with him and just see you at the weekends and school holidays

He is in a better house and area - quite a wealthy area of Glasgow and so probably the schools nearby are better.

OP posts:
EatCrow · 22/04/2024 15:48

So sorry OP, this is such a sad situation. I don’t suppose it’s possible for you to move to be nearer your ex? Just thinking of a drastic solution,

Original poster
StressedMamma1 · 22/04/2024 15:56

EatCrow · 22/04/2024 15:48

So sorry OP, this is such a sad situation. I don’t suppose it’s possible for you to move to be nearer your ex? Just thinking of a drastic solution,

Unfortunately not, I wouldn't be able to afford anything decent in Glasgow. If I did move, I'd either be renting, in a shit area, or buying in an even shitter area.

OP posts:
Dollenganger333 · 22/04/2024 15:57

GrumpyPanda · 22/04/2024 14:55

Presumably any 50:50 would have to cease at the very latest once your LO starts school. So what's the point now?

I should imagine he sees it as a way of not paying CM anymore, now that he has a new baby.

Reugny · 22/04/2024 15:59

probably the schools nearby are better

Unless you are in a very deprived area then it only matters for secondary age.

Even then a lot depends on who's in power, so their education policies, and what your son wants to do.

Work on getting rid of your resentment and fear of your ex having him more, as your son can feel and see it.

Remember your home has advantages that it is quieter. Other advantages will depend on your son's hobbies and interests as he grows.