Ex wants 50:50

[StressedMamma1]

Ex and I broke up during pregnancy, cheating on his side. Our little one is almost 2 and ex sees him regularly, is a good father, pays maintenence etc.

Currently, ex has him EOW, Friday-Monday. He now wants to do 50:50. He has moved in with a woman and they have just had a baby. So he is settled and can offer DS a stable environment.

He lives in Glasgow, I live near Perth, so just over an hour away from one another.

DS is settled in nursery 4 days a week. Does anyone know if 50:50 would be likely in this case if he went via the courts? Which he has threatened to do.

EDIT: DS does have a speech delay and is on the waiting list for speech and language therapy, so he wouldn't be able to verbally tell me if he was struggling with it all.

Well it's always his way or the highway generally, he's an infuriatingly stubborn man.

I woukd have got him to repeat the demand for contact with a sick child in writing just to show any potential judge how irresponsible he was

I do not think family courts etc are concerned about the child's wants and needs as much as what looks great on paper.

The 50/50 doesn't ever benefit the child.
Moving from house to house mid week, remembering what to bring and what you left where does not benefit the child.

You need to sell it to the court that you are the main care giver and how you and your extended family provide an excellent place of stability.

He played dirty: took your trust, left you homeless, financially high and dry but look how strong you are? Return the favour and play dirty back. That's your son, he does not get to take him half the week leaving you with no quality infant time with your boy.

I am not sure how you took from my post that I thought nurseries/day care were just babysitters rather than places that provide both EYFS (or the Scottish equivalent) and care to allow parents to work. Plenty of children don’t go full time.

I was looking at possible ideas OP could suggest in meditation that would also be better for her son with less travel than the XP’s plan.

Absolutely this. All the people saying he should get 50:50. No he shouldn’t. He broke up the family and cheated. You reap what you sow.

I was just trying to explain that from the age of 2, nursery should (imo) be seen as an educational provision rather than somewhere that you unfortunately have to pay for your child to be because you’re working. I guess that does depend on how good the nursery actually is.

I was mainly replying to the bit where you mentioned saving money on fees. It sounds as if the child is benefiting from the intervention and support that he gets at nursery.

I’m sure he is; however, a fair bit of that benefit will be had from 3.5 days rather than 5 and a fair bit would be lost if he is tired from being in a car for hours more each week, or if he spends half the time in a nursery in Perth and half in Glasgow.

And, whilst it’s not all about fees, OP is clearly quite tight for cash and the ex is not paying CM, and DS has physical needs for her to meet as well as educational, so it may well be a factor to balance also.

it’s late; I’ll leave it there.

I agree - those are all good points. I must have missed the bit where he's not paying maintenance!

It sounds like you have solid evidence for cancelling contact, I’d include in my medical file that ex would prioritise taking his child on holidays over taking him to a medical appt booked 3m in advance, and that is in the child’s best interests for you to be primary carer since you prioritise his health.

I mean evidence for good reasons behind the times you did cancel contact , not for cancelling future contact to be clear.

Yes. I bet he tries to use it against you and instead it will be looked upon as you being the reasonable/responsible parent.

We seem to have the same exes, a decade apart!

Also: I was told quite clearly I cold not take my DC ot the country without permission from ex while the custody debate was looming.
For very obvious reasons.

What's in the child's best interests? Usually having one main residence is better for a child than having their life divided between 2 places, but 50:50 can work.

In your case any 50:50 would have to be temporary as DC will start school in a couple of years and can't do an hour's commute (which would realistically be a lot longer due to rush hour) on the days of being with dad. Kids need to be aboe to be home from school swiftly not sitting in a car for hours of the day . Stability is important so starting a 50:50 now that would be unsustainable and incompatible with any kind of sensible education seems unwise.

Perhaps make a counter-offer suggesting that the EOW visits could be 4 days so that would be 4/14 so 28% of the time. When school starts the EOW would have to be shorter but there could be longer visits in the holidays to keep the ratio similar.

I would be interested to know whether your ex's plans for 50:50 include significantly more time where he is actually there and the adult in charge. It sounds more likely that this would be time spent with his step-mother, not his dad

Now you need to make a list of all the joint points that you have and that posters have also added/pointed out. (some really good ones last night/this morning)
Take back up evidence for all of them. Keep factual about your DS and only your DS.
Solicitor will love this and the time should be short.
I know it is horrendous and hugely emotive but you keep emotionless and factual.

His wealth is 100% irrelevant.

It will be fine. It really will.
The "what ifs" that keep you awake are just "what ifs", nothing more.

Posters saying “well, 50:50 wouldn’t be sustainable when he starts school” - it is at least 2.4 years and possibly 3.4 years (not sure if school starting age is the same in Scotland). That’s more than the length of DS’s life to date so I’m not sure if it would be seen as a reason not to change things now. Eg OP could move between now and school start etc meaning arrangements change anyway.

OP, in England, if care is truly 50:50, the parent who gets child benefit is more likely to be deemed as the child’s main address, along with other factors, worth checking what the rules are in your local authority and trying to stay on “your” side of them with any pattern!

Oh he does pay maintenance, that's one thing that he is decent about.

Yes I'm going through this thread carefully today and write down any points that I think will be useful.

I barely got a wink of sleep last night, I feel sick with all of this. I felt sick about it before as I thought my son may prefer to live with Dad , if not now, in the future, seeing as he has his half sibling there, two adults to give him attention, a lovely house, and a dad that will do so many fun things with him. I've seen my ex with kids, he spent a lot of time with my nephew, he has endless patience, is fun, always engaged, especially seeing as he only has our son EOW justnow. Whereas sometimes my patience does wear thin, I'm not 100% engaged all the time because I'm tired as everything is on my shoulders and I need to run the house while my son is here, I don't always have the time to have fun the entire time my son is with me. I'm sometimes grumpy. So this is the icing on the cake. I know who I'd rather live with if I was a child.

But yes, I have to try and remain factual about all of this, so will start building my case to present to my solicitor next week.

Try not to be hard on yourself - it's easy for the NRP to be 'fun' all the time because the time with their child is novel. It's the same with my DD's dad. She always has a lovely time with him at the weekend but I know full well that if she lived with him, he would burn out because he's 55 and actually isn't the world's most patient person.

Sorry OP I haven't been able to read through the whole thread but these type of threads do come up regularly so you can read through these however each case is unique to that child's circumstances so just because one family got 50:50 doesn't mean your ex will.

As someone who has worked in these type of cases the Courts are mindful that both parents are entitled to equal rights regarding the child especially if he has had consistent contact. Generally its better if things can be agreed between your two solicitors without a Judge making a final decision. The Court looks at consistency for the child and stability. If he is willing to drive to and from your child's nursery then there should be no reason that he wouldn't be able to get 50:50 custody. You are the one who moved away from the child's birth place and it sounds like he has been making the effort so far. Good luck this will be going on for the next 18 years so its best to work together now for the sake of your child

As someone who has worked in these type of cases the Courts are mindful that both parents are entitled to equal rights regarding the child especially if he has had consistent contact.

If you've worked in these types of cases then you should know that neither parent has rights to the child. It is the child who has a right to a relationship with both parents. That does not mean that a 2 year old has to live in two houses 50:50 to facilitate this.

And do stop with the ‘you are the one who moved away’ crap. He is the one who decided to cheat on his wife and walk out on his son. None of that is relevant. What is relevant is the impact of long, unnecessary car journeys on a 2 year old.

Thank you. Just to point out though - I didn't move away from the child's birthplace. He was born here in Perth, which is where we currently live. He has only known life in Perth apart from EOW with Dad. I had to move back here when I was pregnant, it was either that or live with ex who said he would be bringing dates back if he felt like it or be homeless in Glasgow as I couldn't afford to live there, as I would've been on SMP during maternity leave. I don't know if that would make a difference to the courts.

She did NOT move away with her DS. (Well he was in her womb)

IMO she was effectively made homeless while pregnant.

All the people saying he should get 50:50. No he shouldn’t. He broke up the family and cheated. You reap what you sow.

Most people aren’t saying he should. Most are saying he will end up getting it at some point because the law doesn’t use reasons for marriage breakdown to punish a child and parent. People who go to prison, physically abuse their partner or do drugs can still get contact with their child.

But this isn't about the future, it's about right now. 50:50 for a school aged child isn't the same as 50:50 for a 2 year old.

And at 14, he can choose for himself.
Over a decade (and another divorce/separation?) away, when he has had his whole life mainly in Perth.

No different to anyone happily married with a baby now. Things go wrong.