Ex wants 50:50

[StressedMamma1]

Ex and I broke up during pregnancy, cheating on his side. Our little one is almost 2 and ex sees him regularly, is a good father, pays maintenence etc.

Currently, ex has him EOW, Friday-Monday. He now wants to do 50:50. He has moved in with a woman and they have just had a baby. So he is settled and can offer DS a stable environment.

He lives in Glasgow, I live near Perth, so just over an hour away from one another.

DS is settled in nursery 4 days a week. Does anyone know if 50:50 would be likely in this case if he went via the courts? Which he has threatened to do.

EDIT: DS does have a speech delay and is on the waiting list for speech and language therapy, so he wouldn't be able to verbally tell me if he was struggling with it all.

They wouldn't have to dictate you drop the nursery days. Just that your son is with dad on some days and you others. If you or he decide to put him into nursery those days is up to each of you.

All the best it sounds tricky. You do also have to think about schooling.

You want to avoid 50:50 because what if your dh doesn't agree with your primary school choice? In 50:50 cases it seems it could go either way wrt school choice.

Or just wants to see his child and is a good dad, like the op herself says fgs

Offer every other weekend Friday (after school/nursery) to Monday plus half of school holidays with a view to that continuing long term. It’s not 50/50 but it’s not far off by the time half the holidays are included.

Since CM is paid out of earned income and most people's biggest cost is housing, I doubt the OP's ex cares about that.

Remember he owns a house outright. So he still pays the same CM whether he owned the house or not.

Also as he owns a house there is nothing stopping him having lots more children and taking a lower paid job so the OP ends up with SFA for CM.

Court will say contact with parent is more important than missing one day at nursery

It may not be that at all but 50:50 agreements tend to result in the person with less money / power having problems down the line. It just seems odd to me that as soon as he has a new baby, suddenly it needs to be 50:50.

Do these bloody men never get their comeuppance? Just monkeybranching from woman to woman with no repricussions, whereas here's me sitting sobbing my eyes out because I'm about to potentially lose my son for 50% of the time.

Can I just say OP I totally understand how you feel about him cheating and then getting to take your son every week. From a selfish point of view I would never have left my son like he did, no matter how much I wanted someone else. I didn't plan on having to share him with another person (not living in our home) and it is not fair.

Yes the above is unreasonable but an absolutely valid thing that we are allowed to feel.

I hope you sort something out that you're both happy with 🌹

Would 50/50 even be feasible when you live at least an hour apart? As others have said, if traffic is bad he could spend up to 1:5-2 hours just getting lo to nursery/ school. Not to mention juggling this with another child. After school clubs/ play dates/ hobbies etc are likely to be in your area ( as that’s where your dc will be going to school). Can your ex guarantee that he will be able to facilitate all the things your child wants to do as he gets older? Of course 50/50 can work very well but I think geographically, parents have to live very close to each other for it to be achievable.

Did he move an hour away from his son?

How do you know what court will say? FC can be unpredictable. Each case has a unique set of circumstances. Preschool education is very important for a child’s development. And that’s why the government offers funded hours. Although that is from age 3.

I don’t know if you can legally insist that he goes to primary near your current home. Going 50/50 will make his argument that he should go to a school near him stronger and fighting that legally will cost money, stress and time. I think that you should look up what address is used when a child is 50/50.
Do you think it’s possible that he might use the possibility of private school to win yeh argument that son should go to a house near him?

It sounds like you could do with some advice

He's always wanted him as much as possible, but due to his age, we went with little but often contact. Now that he's a wee bit older, it's like he thinks it's time that DS could handle 50:50. I swear he'll destroy me in the pursuit of getting what he wants.

I think you need to play the long game here a bit. I’d say lets increase days every week pick up day care Thursday drop off daycare Friday and then EOW keep the Friday - Monday

1. your ex might realise what a PITA a 2 hour return trip daily is and not want to do it 5 x a week
2. it increases visitation but doesn’t give him 50/50
3. you can sell it as gives them more time to adjust with baby

You want to avoid 50/50 so his schooling will be near you and if 50/50 he could argue the school be near him - but increasing nights even one night is compromising and giving your DS more time with dad and sibling

Who moved an hour away?

Some people would look at it and say both parents wanted me but as they weren’t together, they had to do it 50-50 so they both got to spend as much time as possible with me…

The amount of absent fathers that make no effort at all, many adults would have loved the opportunity for their father to want to spend time with them.

Then there’s the kids that are stuck in homes where the parents hate each other but are financially tied so they all live in a toxic environment.

I guess what I’m saying is, what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another.

I don't really know the feasibility of it to be honest. Yes, Perth to Glasgow can very busy during rush hour. I just don't think he will care about things like hobbies/play dates etc, will come up with workarounds for it all, in his pursuit to get DS 50:50.

I really do sympathise OP, I went through something very similar and it felt (and still feels!) so bloody unfair. To keep your relationship cordial, I would suggest mediation so you can calmly discuss some of the practicalities of changing your current arrangements, and what they impact would be on your DS. I personally think he is a little young to be doing 50/50, perhaps you could suggest revisiting in 6-12 months, once the new baby is a little older also? You could also consider different patterns eg if DS is at a term time nursery could he go to his dad's for longer during the holidays? How would dad get him to nursery on time? I think they key here is to be respectful of one another and try and keep good communication going- after all, you have many years of co-parenting ahead of you! Ultimately, it's wonderful for your little boy that he has two parents who love him and want to spend time with him.

You will be his mama 100% of the time x he will think of you and you'll be in his heart always

Would he agree to move closer to you so LO didn't have hours of travelling to do every few days? I'd point out at 4 he will be starting school where you live. Far easier if he moved closer to you now.

No, we were both living in Glasgow and I had to move back to Perth and moved in with my aunt when we split after finding out about the cheating. I couldn't have afforded to live in Glasgow, i was in a new job as well, so only entitled to SMP. He owned the house outright and so I couldn't stay there anymore. Well he said I could but seeing as we were now broken up, we'd have separate rooms and he could bring back who he liked. I wouldn't have dealt with that, nor wanted that around my son, so had to move out and in with family.

So technically, I did move away from the area, but it wasn't feasible to stay.

Your child will care about play dates/ hobbies etc though and that’s more important than what your ex wants/ demands. I’d ask him how he plans to make all these kinds of things work? Surely he has a job to go to as well. Maybe suggest an overnight through the week now, where he has to do a nursery pick up and drop off. It may help him appreciate that longer term, it’s not something he can realistically do?

Good luck going forwards StressedMamma1, I truly hope you can come to a working compromise. 💐

Is it possible he's now suggesting this as his new partner is on mat leave so he's just planning to have her watch him while he's at work?
Ask him how he thinks nursery will work? Ask him how he thinks this will be possible when DC starts school?
Suggest that if he moves closer you'd be willing to discuss building towards 50/50 in the next few years