Ex wants 50:50

[StressedMamma1]

Ex and I broke up during pregnancy, cheating on his side. Our little one is almost 2 and ex sees him regularly, is a good father, pays maintenence etc.

Currently, ex has him EOW, Friday-Monday. He now wants to do 50:50. He has moved in with a woman and they have just had a baby. So he is settled and can offer DS a stable environment.

He lives in Glasgow, I live near Perth, so just over an hour away from one another.

DS is settled in nursery 4 days a week. Does anyone know if 50:50 would be likely in this case if he went via the courts? Which he has threatened to do.

EDIT: DS does have a speech delay and is on the waiting list for speech and language therapy, so he wouldn't be able to verbally tell me if he was struggling with it all.

Is your ex actually going to give up his work for 2 - 3 days a week to look after his own son? Or does he mean that his new partner is going to look after both kids ?

Im wondering how much she has signed up to this.

And BTW by total coincidence , that way he won’t have to pay any maintenance. Don’t assume he doesn’t care about money just because he’s rich - they are often the worst!

I don’t think it’s in the best interest of a two year old to miss out on time with his mother to spend time instead with his fathers new partner.

Glasgow to Perth is NOT an hours drive, unless you mean Cumbernauld to Auchterarder ( or similar ). The traffic on the A9 is terrible and it can be stationary in the rush hour.

and although he is saying now that he will do the driving, I bet he will change his mind later and try to get you to do half.

Op you need to consult a family solicitor, they will know what the Sheriff is likely to decide if your ex goes to court. It’s not use having posters here who are most English giving you their opinion.

I think this is a very good idea. Offer to increase contact. Consider offering longer in the holidays too.

Would you be happy to only have your son EOW and for the school to be near his dad?

no? Why’s that?

He could use the argument of private school, he has the money. I've got a solicitors appointment booked for next week so hopefully they'll give me some good advice.

Do what’s right for you and your LO OP. If dad is a great dad that’s a good starting point. Doesn’t need to be 50:50 but see what you’re all comfortable with.

Most couples that I know that are separated and have children, both have regular contact. They do it equally as possible but both parents are on board and make sure that their kids needs are put first. Kids all seem happy and have great relationships with both parents. They have bedrooms at each house and clothes etc and it works pretty well.

If he’s chosen to move an hour away then it’s fair that he should do the majority of the driving!

My dd is 50/50 with me and my ex and she loves it. Says it's the best of both worlds.

The only issue I see in your case is schooling. It's unfair for your dd to have to spend 2 hours in the car every other week. Plus she will also want to start to do hobbies etc which will have to be done every other week depending on which it's closest to. Not to mention wanting to spend time with school friends.

50/50 is great when you live close together, but can be a nightmare when living far apart.

I think perhaps a compromise might be an option, not overnights but coming through to Perth one afternoon a week to take him out for tea or whatever. An increase of contract but not an overnight.

You know your baby best so if you have doubts then don’t agree to it. My nephew developed stress related alopecia when he was 3 years old with all the upheaval when his parents tried to do 50/50. They ended up doing what was best for him which was living with his mum who was primary carer from the start. He’s grown up now and close to both his parents. As he’s a good dad he should want what’s best for his son and I’m not sure if threatening his mum with court is what’s in Childs best interests. Could he move closer? Can you trust him not to keep your son after contact? Id not agree to it if I was you.Maybe offer more contact to show fairness if you think it’s in your sons best interests. Maybe an extra night or 3 weekends a month instead of eow.

He doesn't have a job, he lives off his inheritance which was a few million that he got off his mother's estate. He went back to uni to retrain and got a legal diploma a couple of years ago, but hasn't managed to secure a training position, so he's free as a bird 24/7.

I don't think there would be any chance of him moving here.

Fight back OP. If he was truly a good dad he would have chosen to live close to his son. And he wouldn’t have broken up your family by cheating in the first place!!
50 50 is for your ex’s benefit not his child. You owe it to your son to fight for him. Your ex can have occasional weekends and holidays as he gets older. And do all the pick up and drops offs.

Again, as I've said, it's not about me or ex, it's ultimately about what is best for our DS. I'm his primary carer and have been since birth. So to me, he should have one stable home, here, and contact with the other parent.

If his dad had been the primary carer since day one then there would be more of an argument for me as the NRP to have EOW.

Oh I'll be fighting it all the way. I've got a solicitor booked in for next week.

He doesn't see it that way re the cheating and breaking up the family, to him it was me and my "behaviour" that drove him to it.

I don't think he'd keep my DS and not give him back but then he is a very different man from the kind, loyal, mild mannered man that I actually thought he was for the decade that we were together. So who knows.

Op is the one who moved, not her ex. Every other weekend isn’t very much. Most parents wouldn’t be happy with that.

Because I have seen judges say it. One day at nursery isn’t more important than seeing a parent.
especially if he is willing to do the picking/dropping, in the grand scheme it won’t be.

for a longer term solution past nursery, what other have suggested Friday to Monday and half of holidays is a good division. I would offer to save court back and forth

Sadly MN full of men who never did 50% when their kids were babies.
They didn’t do 50% of the night wakenings.
They didn’t take 50% of family leave.
They didn’t do 50% when they lived with their kids mother.
They didn’t do 50% when they spilt up with their kids mother.

Then suddenly when they are living with another woman who has kids , they are the worlds most devoted fathers who can’t bear to be away from their child.

How many times have you seen judges say it? In what capacity? It irritates me when people do this because it comes across like you're trying to make the OP distressed for goodness knows what reason. You don't actually know what the outcome would be and nor do I.

Like I said, individual circumstances.

If the ex dh has just had a new baby then that's a massive consideration and adjustment for the older ds. Maybe not a time to begin 50:50

He doesn't work, he just lives off his sizable inheritance from his mother. So both of them will be looking after him during her matty leave and I'm assuming he'll look after both out and his child when she goes back.

Yeah, I'm more Perthshire which is just over an hour to his but you're right, in rush hour, it'll be much more. He won't mind the commute but I don't want my DS stuck in traffic for ages.

I've got a solicitors appt booked in for next week so I'll get some solid advice then.

You need to think about how he could turn your arguments against you…. For example.

What is to stop his home becoming DCs main base? He owns his own home in a better area with better schools, with more financial resources, whereas you are still temporarily living with an aunt(maybe?).

He is in a relationship and DCs half sibling will be there too.

You moved away from him, not the other way round. He could get nasty and try for majority custody if you don’t compromise somewhat.

Yes, very much so. I struggled really badly with PND while he was living his best life in Glasgow. The first year of my DSs life was a real slog and I'll be honest, I didn't get to enjoy motherhood very much. But now that he's got this woman who he's been with for less than 2 years, since our kid was a newborn basically, their own baby on the way, no doubt doing all the practical stuff while he plays Disney dad, he wants 50:50.

I've been my DSs main carer from day one. I moved away from him due to his cheating, I couldn't remain there. And he is in a relationship with the woman he left his newborn for. His side doesn't really look rosy either.

However I do get your point about compromising, which I will do before it gets to the court stage.

If you can't agree then it willl be mediation followed by court.

Court will decide on the best interests of the child - not the preferences of the parents.

He absolutely could get 50/50.

Your child has just as much rights to spend time with dad as either mum.

There are other ways of doing 50/50 than week about. It could be every weekend or long weekends or extended time during nursery and school holidays.

I absolutely hope it will be decided on what's best for my son as opposed to what's best for the parents. He does have every right to time with both of us however surely he has a right to quality time with both of us? Not days with me which are nursery days then home, tea, bath and bed and then all weekend with dad to do leisure activities.

As hard as it is you will need to keep this out of it unless there are any examples of why you think he won't be able to handle 50/50 in which case he might do the same to you.

All the best OP it sounds tough