Ex wants 50:50

[StressedMamma1]

Ex and I broke up during pregnancy, cheating on his side. Our little one is almost 2 and ex sees him regularly, is a good father, pays maintenence etc.

Currently, ex has him EOW, Friday-Monday. He now wants to do 50:50. He has moved in with a woman and they have just had a baby. So he is settled and can offer DS a stable environment.

He lives in Glasgow, I live near Perth, so just over an hour away from one another.

DS is settled in nursery 4 days a week. Does anyone know if 50:50 would be likely in this case if he went via the courts? Which he has threatened to do.

EDIT: DS does have a speech delay and is on the waiting list for speech and language therapy, so he wouldn't be able to verbally tell me if he was struggling with it all.

I absolutely agree. I would go to mediation with a reasonable offer of increasing his contact time. I would ask to have a clause in your agreement that says should he or you be unable to look after your son then the other parent gets first refusal before other options are sought out. Basically, if he can't do it you should be asked before his new partner

Your point about quality time is probably one you don't actually want to make. If it's about quality time with parents and your ex doesn't work he could argue for 5 days/4 nights residency while you are working. Better for DS to get a full day every day with a parent than most of the day in childcare. You would then get your quality every weekend as 2 days/3 nights residency. Then at school choosing time he'd probably end up in school in Glasgow.

@StressedMamma1

I absolutely hope it will be decided on what's best for my son as opposed to what's best for the parents. He does have every right to time with both of us however surely he has a right to quality time with both of us? Not days with me which are nursery days then home, tea, bath and bed and then all weekend with dad to do leisure activities

Yes absolutely and that's what you need to figure out - how to achieve that.

If he doesn't work then it might be better for your son to attend nursery in Glasgow on dad's day and then spend the rest of the time with you?

These are the types of questions you will be expected to consider and address in mediation and court.

There's no presumption on mum being the best primary carer. So figure out the best deal you can.

Keep the emotion and the blame (even though righteous) out of it cause court/ mediator won't be interested in that.

That is a valid point. Althpugh one I would hope the family court wouldn't accept as DC is settled into a routine here with nursery that he has attanded for over a year, toddler groups that we go to together etc.

Good luck@StressedMamma1

I agree that it is not in the best interests of
a child to live 50:50 between parents at two years old. Perhaps it might be possible in a family where mum and dad have lived with the child since birth and been equally attentive but this is not the case for your son. Regardless, 50:50 is not possible for a school aged child where the parents live so far apart. I would be very suspicious that your ex is going to then argue that he should be the main carer and your DS should attend school near him.

I have just been through this with a 15 year old. Unbelievable but true.
I cannot go into details. Basics are: I am divorcing H and he wants 50/50. Purely becase of money. Very wealthy. (Me, not)
PP is right about wealthy people being the worst for saving money.

However; this is what they were most concerned with (court pyschologist and social worker):

Medical apppintments. Get details on these (print outs etc) presumably you do them all. Where is doctor? Make sure it is in Perth.
Who did majority care in early childhood. (you)
What activities we did together
(In my case what DC wanted) In your case it is in your favour as DC is so small.

STOP saying he is a good father. In two years he has abandoned him once already by getting another woman pregnant. This is not a "good father".
He could be a good father and divorce but not what you described.

Horrible situation OP and very goodluck. It is so, so mindblowingly distressing.

@OldnCrabby
Never ask child to decide for themselves when they are older. This puts to much emotional pressure on them to choose between parents.
The alternative is not taking better view into account and taking away their agency. Can't see how that would be any better long term

You need to think what’s best for your DS and also come up with a compromise. His dad wants to see him more and why shouldn’t he. I’d try and come up with a compromise between you before it gets to the courts. If you think about what the court might see, it’s feasible that they could offer him 50/50, or even more if your ex pushes for it. He could offer your DS a stable home, both him and partner home and not working so no need for wrap around care or full time nursery, living in a nicer area with good schools, potentially private school, and living with his half sibling. That would actually be a pretty good opportunity for your DS. They will also likely we into account that you loved your DS away from his father.

He didn't abandon his child. He left his mother and that doesn't mean a father leaves the children or is automatically a bad father. It's not being a bad parent to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in anymore for a child's sake. Whether they cheated or not,which obviously isn't a good thing.
This rhetoric needs to stop and doesn't do people like the op any favours either

Sorry to talk about you as if you aren't here, op, I wish you the best with your solicitor's appointment

OP may have moved but she didn't move the DS. He was born in the hew location. Facts matter.

@Overthebow what a helpful post.

OP, this will not happen. Not at such a young age when XH has been creating a whole new family. Thinking worst case is the worst thing (I know) and you need to remain calm and sure.

If her ex had been the one who moved away, even whilst she was still pregnant, he’d be all the names under the sun and should have stayed put. But because op is the one who moved, that’s totally fine. Are you suggesting that her ex should have followed her when she moved?

Thank you. It's my worst fear to be honest. Ex has money, can afford private school, he's good with him, he is in a stable relationship with a new baby on the way as he's had time and freedom to pursue this while I've stayed away from dating and worked on working and saving to buy a house for DS and I for security and stability. But on paper, I guess ex looks like the better option as a parent. I just hope a family court don't think the same.

To be fair to me, I had to move. It was his house, I couldn't stay there as he was proposing living as 'friends' whereby he could bring women back. Staying there wasn't an option and being on SMP, I couldn't afford to rent in Glasgow either.

Absolute facts! 🙄

What's with the belligerence? Are you after some stupid men's rights bunfight, even if you have to construct the most grotesque of strawmen to reach that point?

The facts are pretty simple. OP moved for good solid reasons - the cheating is immaterial, but she couldn't have afforded to stay in Glasgow, and pregnant women aren't serfs bound to a particular piece of land. Her DS was born in the new location, has lived there all his short life and it's where all his medical care and social contacts are. If OP is smart she'll emphasize that fact. It's a very different situation from one parent taking an older child out of an existing marriage and social context and moving it away. Is that sad for dads? Maybe, but them's the facts of biology. Your throwing a fit about it makes just as much sense as all the Twitter MRAs bellyaching about how they ought to get an equal voice on whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term.

Completely understand this, I am not criticising your decision- of course you weren’t going to live together as ‘friends’. What I don’t agree with is how you and your ex living an hour apart is somehow your exes fault ( as some posters seem to have suggested).

Thank you, this is very helpful. Yes, I do all medical appointments, GP surgery is in Perth, I did all childhood care, DS and I do lots of activities together ie on his day off nursery, we attend a weekly playgroup, afterwards we go to a baby/toddler class which we've done since DS was 16 weeks old, we often go to a local song/story session at the library after this. I'll write it all down and store all medical appointments letters etc.

Perhaps their thinking is that if ex hadn't cheated during pregnancy, then I wouldn't have had to move away and he'd still be around his DS. Not that that matters, the court won't take into consideration the reasons for me moving, so there's no point in me focusing on it I guess.

50:50 for a 2 year old? With a speech delay? When you have a newborn?

I agree with PPs that this is for dad's benefit not for the child's. A small toddler needs stability and predictability. I would not agree to 50:50, make him go to court. A newborn in his house will clearly take time away from time with his dad anyway so this is an odd time to be asking for an increase in contact.

Perhaps he's asking now so that he can try have more legal sway when he's school age to get your son to go to a school near him. Knowing this, I'd fight it as much as possible.

My response was in relation to other posters who basically criticised the ex because he lives an hour away. He wasn’t the one to move, op did- and she had perfection valid reasons for that. But it makes no sense to then blame the ex for the distance.

Part of being a good dad is not cheating on the mother of your child while she's pregnant, talking about bringing other women to the house and then swanning off to immediately create another family with someone else.
If a man abandons the mother of his child while she's pregnant then he's also abandoning the child. He can't then have his cake and eat it, not to mention that it's really bad for a child to be split between two homes.
If it were me I'd absolutely be fighting this request. Don't let people gaslight you into feeling like you're being unreasonable. If anything you're being very generous.

Your ex doesn’t look better on paper. You’ve found your little ones nursery, liaised with professionals around his speech difficulties, taken him to all his medical appointments, whether routine or when he’s been ill, and you’ve been a continuous loving stable parent. You’ve also allowed contact and not denied it, despite it likely being difficult to not have him every other weekend and despite any personal feelings you have about his father, because you’ve been prioritising your child’s needs. Unless there’s significant risk factors relating to you that you haven’t disclosed, there’s nothing that makes your ex sound better. It’s not in the interest of your child to be spending excessive amounts of time in a car, to have his settled place at nursery challenged by a potential move, to move away from the extended family relationships he has made or to have to stop attending play dates or activities he has. Wealth isn’t something they will give a great deal of weight to, it will be more about the attachments the child has and current things that offer them stability, such as educational setting. On that basis I wouldn’t see a court making a 50/50 decision. They might ask you to consider how you can extend contact though so it might be worth giving that a thought.

These are my thoughts exactly. I do refer to him as a good father as he's kind to him, loving, lots of fun, patient. But very much a man which, when if it was a choice between his own happiness or our sons, he would choose his own. As he did when I was pregnant and following the birth of our son.

50/50 won't work long term unless one of you moves when it comes to nursery and then school.

Who's caring for your son when he does 50/50?;does his partner want to do 50/50 with a new baby in tow?

Maybe stick with the current agreement and do EoW and a big chunk of school holidays with dad once your DC starts school.