To genuinely hate weekends with kids

[ithinkineehelp]

I need to rant as I can’t take it any more. I HATE weekends, to the point that it makes me question why I ever became a mother. I have two boys 5 yo and 3.5 yo. I WANT to enjoy them but they are too much!!! From the moment they wake up (7ish) to the time they go to bed (8ish) they just want want want. It’s constant!! They keep doing their own things, they scream ALL DAY they whine about everything and they whole vibe at home is so negative.
I shout so much and I become a person I hate, but I feel that I am so sick of this whole motherhood thing. I am so overwhelmed and overtouched and overtalked. I can’t do anything I like or eat anything I like. They won’t eat anything, they won’t watch tv not even for 5 minutes, if they play together they pull all the toys down and make a mess and then they fight over one toy. I have to constantly be on top of them. I have zero down time or any time to catch up on any housework or anything else that's not kids related. My husband is useless so everything is on me (story for another thread, please dont fixate on this!!!).
I also have to batch cook for the coming days (we both work full time), sort out all the weekend meals (my kids won’t eat take out or anything from a restaurant) but then they won’t eat anything anyway. I might need to pop to the shops but if I take one of the kids with me I end up yelling or too annoyed at them. We take them out to parks and stuff but they soon get hungry, won't eat anything and then they are miserable. I love them to bits and I want to enjoy them but I can’t!!! They are too much along with everything else I need to do!! I hate my life and I wish I could just leave or jump out a window sometimes... Everyone keep telling me that I am still in the trenches but honestly when will it get easier?? I just need them to eat the food I make them and watch TV without talking to me for an hour! Is it too much to ask??

They wind each other up, try separating them. Take one away for the weekend , your useless husband will have to step up.

Some of this brings back memories. I used some of the tips others have given. I saw someone say pretend it's a job. And someone else say pretend you are being videoed. I used to do these. I also used to break the day up into chunks, each with a designated thing to do. Made it seem less long and less daunting to get through. I used to set out some toys the night before, on a bit of a rota. We used to take turns for a lie in. It also took years before dh would take the kids out alone, let alone together. My kids are nearly 7 & 9 now and it's entirely different. And waaasy better.

Have not rtft thread, but could you start supplementing them with zinc (you can put it in juice if they drink that?).

Children have a huge requirement for zinc. A deficiency can lead to reduced appetite and picky eating!

I first read about it in Dr Jenny Goodmans book. Supplementing with zinc can actually change your child's pallet and they start wanting healthier things that they wouldn't touch before.

I have had to try this with my son, and among a few other supplements we are making progress. It's so stressful when they won't eat.

I absolutely hated that age when my knee ds were smaller.
The days just drag in.
What I used to do some weekends was either bring them on a train or bus to a new park.
Or let them have splash time in the bath.
Buy books,paints for the bath
And just let them splash.
Do that nearly at bed time. Straight to bed after.
Just give them what they'll eat as they seem to be eating well elsewhere,so I wouldn't worry

But I really think your DH needs a kick up the arse,is there anyone ( a man) that can talk sense into him.

Working full time and parenting is so hard! What helped me was leaving the children in childcare for an hour after I finished if I had chance and getting some housework done in that time so not as much to catch up on at the weekend and I could chill in the evening when they went to bed. It sounds like you really need some time for yourself and the evenings could be the time for that, bubble baths, music, exercise, whatever helps your mental health.
Getting out a lot at the weekend, we would spend hours at soft play. It was much less stressful than being at home and they would use up their energy and usually be more chilled at home.
Let them mess one room and try not to stress about it, doesn't take too long to tidy it up once they're in bed.
Short bursts throughout day of undivided attention to meet their needs, read a story, rough play, crafts.
Shopping first thing in the morning or evening, a lot quieter so less stress and done quicker.

Op it's obvious you are at breaking point and it sounds like you know all the theories of good parenting.
I think possibly a few issues have derailed you because you clearly know what the problems are and I think what you are asking is how to get back on track.
I saw you said you had left the boys with dh for a family issue and you hired in help to make dh life manageable. Is that not an option now whilst you de - escalate and get yourself some much needed regulation?
I also think perhaps the "I miss you" so activities stop is a sign that perhaps in your overwhelm you have become too reactive. Too wary of the next problem. It's ok to miss your mum for a hour. What's also OK is building resilience safely by encouraging our children to be independent even if they miss us.
You have carried on too long and it's all become very emotional in your home. I think you have a picture in your head of what life should be like and you are holding yourself to a high standard.
Along with your meal prepping I would plan out the time. Yes dh should step up but if he won't then plan his time for him and send him off with at least one ds to do something. If mess is an issue and fighting over toys then shove a huge amount in a box and pop it out of sight.
Take the small steps back to simplicity. Your children have become reactive because they are in free fall too. Clearly they are used to the childcare boundaries but at home they've sensed things aren't the same and through the hard graft of parenting you've lost the connection. I would focus on getting some time to yourself regularly and on re building that bond. Parenting is so hard but I never want to throw myself out the window. Please take some time to really look after yourself. And perhaps just look for the joy in your children again. Connection. Over everything and hopefully things will start to come round. Also maybe a trip to the GP over the whole window thing x

I can’t imagine how exhausted you must be. I’m in a similar boat, DH doesn’t do much, 4 year age gap in kids, but I only work part time! If I worked long hours like you, I wouldn’t be able to cope.
You need to make the easiest choices you can. Play games and activities that you actually like to play with the kids. Reading, drawing, jigsaw puzzles, monster trucks, hide and seek, chasing them around the house “mummy robot can’t catch me!”. My kids don’t have a particularly great diet, but I do the best I can. Breakfast they’ll eat toast, waffles, cereal. Lunch - toast, sandwiches (only one eats sandwiches) fruit yoghurt (only one eats yoghurt) crisps. Dinner, I stick to kid staples, chicken nuggets, fish fingers, pasta, chips. One will eat sausages but won’t eat mashed potato but the other one will. They will eventually eat, I make this stir fry thing and my oldest wouldn’t eat the noodles, but I kept giving her them and now she loves them! So persistence is key, as annoying as it is, it will eventually pay off. That’s my only success with persistence, still waiting for other things to pay off lol.

What about milk or smoothies to fill their tummies ? They’re not totally unhealthy, and will help fill a hole.

That's very worthy @3526y but you can't pour from an empty cup etc

@ithinkineehelp I empathise although I've only got one DS - 'I'm bored' etc. Asking time and time again for a bit of tidying up etc.
It is wearing.

Two things: one, you need support from DH. Book something, send them all out.
Every weekend. Then you do the same the other day so he has some time. DH and I are definitely better parents when we have had time to regulate ourselves. Or divide and conquer. Or risk it all together sometimes.

Secondly, please seek some support from GP, friends, anyone. Home start. Any friends or family, even if some travel is involved

Hi OP, not read thru all the comments but read your post as I can relate (but with just the one 3.5 yr old!). Also work full time. You sound mega stressed and in need of some time out.

What I have found helpful is to book a day of annual leave every month or 6 weeks, take DD to nursery as usual in the morning, and just do whatever the bloody hell I want for the day. Sometimes DP and I do that together and we go for lunch then watch a film at the cinema in the afternoon. It's lovely. If your employer will allow it maybe you could build up the lieu time rather than using up your annual leave.

Do DC eat at nursery? If so, can you get a copy of the meal plan(s) and maybe try some of their favourotes at home? Also, if they are eating well at nursery, a weekend of beige food is not so bad, IMO.

And if it's helpful I would manage my hard weekends by

• getting up and going out first thing. Staying out til lunch. Get involved in what your boys are doing. Play with them. Outside. All morning. Don't try to send them to play. Don't try to snatch a few moments. They are craving connection so give it them. No phone. No coffee shop. Just outside.
• go home for lunch. Don't try to eat out. Give them a safe food they will eat. Eat something you like too. Don't try to eat the same thing.
• in the afternoon try to create an invitation to play. Look on Instagram. Jelly with animals in. Digger with sand. Shredded paper. Have low expectations they will play alone. Put it in the kitchen whilst you do your meal prep.
• eat another safe meal. Try and go outside again

Alternate who cooks with dh and who sets up the invitation to play. Google ideas. Don't let dh off the hook for anything. Don't save him. Communicate. Plan the day together. Don't martyr yourself. Agree two hours over the weekend each where you get time out alone.
This is now I would start to plan my weekends.

You are in the trenches and it's normal for parenting to be a roller coaster. Please again consider getting some professional help for your mental health which may in turn help with you finding joy in your children again, you clearly love them and want to enjoy them x

Reading your post I have flashbacks of when my twins were little. I actually had a few meltdowns. In hindsight it was probably burnout/depression, but you just need to soldier on right. And my husband was hands on, the main problem was that bedtime was an absolute nightmare.
I'll just write what worked for me:

1. Reminding myself that I loved them. Looking at them and forcing myself to list in my head all the things I loved about them. Yes it had reached the point where I couldn't stand my kids. But this trick kind of worked.
2. Have an "off" day: you just want pasta? Have it. You want cuddles all day long? No problem? You want to spend 2 hours in the park? Whatever. Let them "take the lead" so to speak. Because it unknowingly helped me relax, since I didn't really care about anything else.
3. Try other ways. For food for ex, I read that we have to try a food 14 times before we start "liking" it. That means being used to it and accepting its taste. We were actually enrolled in a study for twins, and they got us to try different tricks. Basically the idea is to just put it to the mouth. Touching it with the tongue works. That could be a new game for the kids. The study also said to not do it at meal times (the child shouldn't be hungry or full, basically). So really, just as a game. Absolutely no pressure. You can play too, obviously.
4. I haven't read all the pages, but do you have family not too far? Maybe they could give a hand for a couple of days?

In any case, I'm sending plenty of good vibes. It can be hard.

First things first - you need a break.

Book a day of annual leave- stick the kids in with a before and after school care or husband if he can sort himself out. And go take a day to do something relaxing or nothing. Sit somewhere, eat good warm food and literally block the world out.

Then formulate a plan to fix everything else.

I hear you! I don’t have family here either and it feels like a never ending cycle of work at times! My kids are currently 3 and 7, and some weekends are exhausting when DH is working and I am holding fort by myself!

Like a lot of people said you can’t pour from an empty cup, so you need to figure out how to make yourself feel better. Could you cut down the number of hours you work? That would give you some time during the week to batch cook or catch up on chores or do something for yourself? It is important that you get some time so you don’t feel so overwhelmed. Do you have good friends? It would be nice if you could take the kids out with friends who have kids a similar age. Then they play together, you have adult conversation and they eat better with peer pressure. Sounds like you are in London as you mention the tube, can you buy home cooked food to give yourself a break. I know a lot of asian ladies sell food and that is a great option in London. Not as expensive as takeaway and less work for you. If you work hard all week you need a break some time. Also your hubby seems like weaponised incompetence! You have to take turns like a tag team. Tell him there is no other way!

Where are they during the week ? Is there any reason why they behave this way , I do t feel it’s normal . My children are always on the go but yours seems destructive and that’s there are some issues going on with their behaviour ?

It will getter I promise but right now I understand it feels overwhelming. Also I have to admit that spending 12 hours a day every weekend doing only child focussed activities would have been impossible for me.

I was desperately in need of time to get my chores done and some me time. Some things that worked for me -

1. Get DH responsible for batch cooking and meal prep for the weekend while you are with the kids.
2. Get them involved in your chores. They are not too young - they can match socks, separate folded clothes into their own laundry baskets, Scan groceries for you at the supermarket, set the table at mealtimes, water the plants in your garden, dusting etc.
3. Homework / Study time: I know it sounds nuts for children who are this young , but if you can get them to sit and count or practice writing, it’s good practice for them - breaks up your day and their day.
4. Family exercise time - Take them out running / cosmic yoga / Joe wicks videos etc

Hold on - it does get better !!!

My husband is useless so everything is on me

That’s the crux of the problem.

There is a parenting App called positive parenting solutions which I highly recommend. It has transformed the way we look after our kids. It highlighted to us that our kids needed more 121 time with us & now we try really hard to give this to them. We both work full time & can’t do it daily, but we try to do 3 half hour 121 sessions per week with each kid & it has transformed their behaviour … so much better!

I won't lie - I got chills reading your OP because that's the exact ages mine were at during lockdown. I love them to pieces but it was such hard work...as others have said, you're really in the trenches.

It'll sound random, but one thing that really helped me was to have to an audio book (something familiar and very unchallenging) or white noise or radio one on in the background ALL the time. It really took the edge off whining / crying and in a funny way made me feel less alone during those long lockdown days.

I can really empathise with that feeling of total overwhelm, constantly cooking and servicing others needs all the time.

I haven’t read all the thread, but it seems that a lot of your stress comes from meal times, the kids not eating etc.
I just wanted to recommend the division of responsibility for feeding’.
So the parents job is to decide WHAT to eat, WHEN to eat meals, and WHERE to eat meals. The kids job is to decide WHETHER to eat it, and HOW MUCH to eat (so if they choose not to, fine, but I don’t make anything else).
I have found it really takes the pressure off meal times, and it really relieved a lot of stress for me. I also learnt not to make dessert a reward, they always get dessert whether they eat their main or not (and sometimes just put it out at the same time as the main). Anyway I found that mealtimes are much more enjoyable and the kids will eat a lot more x

I really feel for you, it sounds like hard work. I'm a single mum, and some things that really help is having a massive clear and sort out of toys - try and only let them have one or two boxes out at a time (easier said than done, I know).
Sacrifice a calm morning for a calm afternoon by getting up and out ASAP. Swimming, library (ours do lego or toy stuff) the park or feed the ducks, i always find the simple things better as we dont have to be there too long and i'm not worrying that i need to get my monies worth on a long day out that none of us can handle. Hotdog sausages in a flask and some bread rolls make a picnic that everyone is ok with, and any fruit that they like is good, strawberries or watermelon, but dont worry too much about getting nutrition perfect at the weekends. Keep bedtimes early so you have some chill time too. it does get easier.

On the pasta front and going out, maybe buy the microwave pasta pouches.
Heat and put in a flask.
But I think you've a DH problem,you need to tell him he has to pull his weight.
He's making it harder for you.

I have two boys nearly 8 and 4 and it's exactly the same!! Groan!!

So they would rather starve than eat something else? That's difficult to imagine (except in some very extreme cases, almost all children will relent and eat eventually).

Motherhood can be an absolute drudge. Mine are older and I still fantasise about running off and leaving them with their father.

Can you enrol them in some sort of activity? Otherwise stop trying to do everything. Either let their Dad take them out and entertain them while you cook or you take them out while he cooks. (Personally I'd prefer the former so you can put on a podcast and have some time to yourself).

And honestly we cook healthy, varied recipes for dinners and my kids refuse every second meal. They've ground me down so much that I literally don't care if they eat healthily or not. They can eat toast, pasta, cheese, apple and peanut butter, crackers, grapes for dinner. I stopped caring. It wasn't worth the stress and tantrums.

I hear you OP. I didn't really enjoy my kids being this age tbh.

Mine are now 10,12,14 and for me, it's so much easier (bar some teenagery stuff which isn't too bad yet). I can pop to the shop without having to bung them all in the car and shop without snot, crying and tantrums.

In work, I moved from primary to secondary which I thought I'd hate but now, I don't think I could go back to primary.

I think we are all different and some are better than others with different ages.
Their dad was absolutely useless when they were babies and toddlers.